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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my sister being entitled or does this sound reasonable to you?

135 replies

motherofallhens · 31/03/2017 09:23

I am feeling fed up! I am having my sister’s two boys to stay over the holidays. This was my suggestion and we are really looking forward to having them here. However, in addition to having them here for 10 days, my sister also expects me to meet her halfway to pick them up, then drive them halfway home again. They live 3.5 hours away from us so quite a lot of driving.

Am I being U in thinking that she is being U?!

Total disclosure here, we don’t have a particularly good relationship and never have done. We get on fine when we see each other but she never makes any effort with me or my children at all. That is, she is a bit patchy with remembering the kids’ birthdays and she never calls me, remembers my birthday or suggests getting together etc. (and I mean literally never in each case!)

However, she is still my sister and I don’t want my children to have the relationship with their cousins that I have with mine (i.e. none at all). Consequently, I invite her children here every holiday and I am sometimes allowed to have them :) They are fab and get on very well with mine (similar ages).

I have had to do overtime this week so that I can take next week off – I am blimmin shattered and could really do without all the driving prior to having a houseful of children all week – although I love having them here it will be very full on! Is it too much to ask that she at least does one of the trips herself? Is it not just a teeny-bit taking the pee, especially given that she doesn’t work and I will have done 50+ hours this week to make time to have her kids to stay?

What d’you ladies think or should I stop whining seeing as this situation is entirely of my own making?!

OP posts:

muttrat · 31/03/2017 11:07

Just say no?? I think it's quite odd to even contemplate anyone driving 3.5 hours without them staying over night.

Fwiw I have my dn every summer for 10 days to help my dsis with work (she's a struggling single oarent). She drives her down stays the night, we have a good chinwag and a few bottle of wine, she drives back the next evening.

boolifooli · 31/03/2017 11:10

You're putting in a lot of effort for the cousins to see each other as is your right to do so. It was your suggestion so it's not unreasonable for the journey to be split.

As you're the driving force behind the contact you're being unreasonable for judging her. She doesn't see the regular contact as important and that is also okay.

It seems daft to get upset with other people placing different values on things like this. Either swallow the effort or don't offer. It's mean to harbour resentment in this way.

Falafelings · 31/03/2017 11:13

If your having her kids for 10 days the least she can do is drive them over.

Falafelings · 31/03/2017 11:15

Can't you just say that you're looking forward to having the kids but you'd like her to drop and collect them as otherwise it might be too tiring for you.

dowhatnow · 31/03/2017 11:17

She obviously isn't bothered to maintain a relationship so if you want to then you will have to put up with the negative bits of it. That's it really. It's not fair but it is the situation.

Why don't you ask her if she will do it, given you've worked so much this week and see what she says.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 31/03/2017 11:18

I don't think either of you are terrible people. I think she's being a bit of a pain in the neck. But I think you've known that all along so it has to be sort of "priced in" to these invites. Just drive half way. Is there a National Trust place or something near halfway that you could take the children to?

10 days is really long though, is that because of timing with Easter or what?

BewtySkoolDropowt · 31/03/2017 11:22

This isn't comparable to a dinner invitation because the children can't get there under their own steam.

If this was the kids going to stay with their Dad rather than the aunt, would you think the mum should do all the driving?

I think 50/50 is fair, given that it was your invitation, not her request and the distances involved.

If time is an issue, then you could arrange to meet later to pick up and meet earlier to drop off, giving you the same amount of time at home.

dreamingofsun · 31/03/2017 11:26

i think 50/50 is not unreasonable too. its you that wants to do this. i wouldn't want my kids away for that length of time and i wouldn't especially want 10 days free childcare either - unless it was because of my work - which isn't an issue for your sister anyway.

so who is looking after the kids when they are at your house? it sounds as if you are working some of the time? can you delay pick up so that you can have a couple of days chilling first?

teaandakitkat · 31/03/2017 11:29

I would say "I've been working really long hours this week s I can have the holidays off, would you drive them here at the beginning of the holiday and I will meet you half way on the journey home? Come and stay for a night, it would be nice to see you."

Original poster

motherofallhens · 31/03/2017 11:40

Ouch, some rather harsh judgements on me there!

Just to be clear. I invite them here because I love them and I want them to spend time with us. My kids feel the same, I think! I am not being a martyr - I want them to come because we are family and this is the kind of thing that families do, or at least families that are less dysfunctional than mine!

I offered to drive down and drop them at the end, while my sister brings them here at the start because that suits me as I have been working really hard and I don't want to do a long trip on the weekend. I am not asking her to do all the driving, rather just to work around me seeing as she will have 10 days chilling at home whereas I am coming off a crazy week at work. I am perfectly happy to do a seven-hour round trip to make this happen. They are old enough to get the train but she does not want them to, which is fine. I am offering to do half the driving just would rather split it another way. Previous times she has also determined who will drive where and when.

And, yes, clearly there is a whole lot of baggage going on here, as there always is in these cases. I guess underlying it all is the fact that I find it really hurtful that she never makes any effort for me or my children. She never calls or texts just to see how we are etc. not even at Christmas. We would have no contact with them at all if it wasn't for me. I think in anyone's book that is really sad for her children as well as mine.

FWIW, I've never done anything awful to her, I don't think!. It's just that since we were kids she's always found me a bit dull, although you guys might think the same if you knew me!

Maybe next time around I won't ask my DNs but will post a message on here instead to see if anyone is interested in sending their kids my way - as long as you can be flexible about the driving, I'm sure we'll sort something out :)

Thanks so much for all your ideas everyone.

OP posts:

Roomster101 · 31/03/2017 11:42

Whilst you feel you are doing a big favour she obviously doesn't really see it that way. While you see it as "a rest" perhaps she doesn't want one and any benefits will be outweighed by the fact she will miss her children. I have been in her position and I refused to drive all the way both times as well.

blackteasplease · 31/03/2017 11:46

I can't understand why she agreed to this if she doesnt work. Or have some particular plans.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 31/03/2017 11:48

As someone who has recently gone back to work after bring on maternity leave I can say I find it far less tiring being a working mum than a stay at home mum (and I'm also a single parent so no help from a partner) so I think what annoyed me about your post is the assumption that you are going to be less tired than her because she doesn't work. Massively presumptuous and insulting.

dowhatnow · 31/03/2017 11:50

They are older kids though don't touch

BarbarianMum · 31/03/2017 11:50

Donttouchme being a SAHM to small children is very different to bring a SAHM to school aged ones.

changingnameforthispost · 31/03/2017 11:52

I agree here with Roomster, and I'm sure you really are lovely and well intentioned OP, but you do come over a little 'all burning martyr".

Why the rush to have your nephews for the whole 10 days, straight after a busy period at work? Why not change your plans a little and spend the weekend catching your breath and then meet up half way next week, so they stay for 6 or 7 days?

dowhatnow · 31/03/2017 11:53

Yes good idea to shorten the length.

Cargoboom · 31/03/2017 11:56

Cargoboom · 31/03/2017 11:57

I also think you are coming across as a martyr, no wonder you don't get on if you are so judgemental about her.

Galla · 31/03/2017 11:58

I've a very similar relationship with my sister. She's a SAHP. Seems to have a nice life but I know very little about it. The difference is that we live in the same town!
She has zero interest in me or my family. If we meet at our parents, she is polite to but she is all "me, me me" or talking about how great her children and husband are and how busy her life is to my parents, practically ignoring me.
I assume she has issues. She thinks I'm jealous of her and I've heard that from other people. I actually think deep down the reverse might be true.
She never asks after me or my family.
Anyway, enough of my issues. I regret that this all means I don't have a relationship with her children nor do the little cousins really know each other well.
I can understand what you are doing and its admirable that you can see past the adult issues just to allow your children to have this connection and future network to make their world a little bigger.
But I'm not sure I could do it. It would mean swallowing pride, expecting nothing in return, and putting up with any unreasonable behavior from your sister like this is.
I don't know if its worth it on the long run.
My sister would probably jump at the chance too. Being a SAHP is full on and she would love the opportunity to have a break. But, I just couldn't.

ImperialBlether · 31/03/2017 12:00

Oh don't be ridiculous! Of course someone working full time AND looking after their children is going to be more tired than someone who is a SAHP. If you're working you have to do all of the housework, washing, shopping and cooking outside of your full time hours!

Original poster

motherofallhens · 31/03/2017 12:02

Gah! I totally didn't mean to offend SAHMs. The boys have been at school for several years now so she has all day to herself was what I meant. Sorry to anyone running after small children - we all know how tiring that is!

And again I am not a martyr and I don't do this to help her out or score points with anyone. I invited them, she suggested 10 days. I love having the boys here and am not complaining about that at all - it is the driving and the feeling that she is doing me a favour that I object to. Although some of you seem to share her view on that so I think I'll sidle out now just in case!

OP posts:

DontTouchTheMoustache · 31/03/2017 12:04

imperial it's not the point of the thread so not worth getting into the endless debate about on here as not fair to derail the thread.
But obviously my post was in my experience so I don't see how you can say "don't be ridiculous"....clearly I'm not as I have experienced both and I find that being in an office and being mentally motivated everyday far less tiring than spending all day at home running around after him. Might not be the same to everyone but IN MY EXPERIENCE it was. I missed the bit about her sisters kids being older so may not be the same for her.

Original poster

motherofallhens · 31/03/2017 12:06

Galla - perhaps we should introduce our sisters to each other!

OP posts:

DontTouchTheMoustache · 31/03/2017 12:07

As I say op I missed that her kids were older so I will holster my outrage (all still very raw for me).
In all fairness though is she a confident driver? She might be overwhelmed at the thought of it.

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