Is my sister being entitled or does this sound reasonable to you?

[motherofallhens]

I am feeling fed up! I am having my sister’s two boys to stay over the holidays. This was my suggestion and we are really looking forward to having them here. However, in addition to having them here for 10 days, my sister also expects me to meet her halfway to pick them up, then drive them halfway home again. They live 3.5 hours away from us so quite a lot of driving.

Am I being U in thinking that she is being U?!

Total disclosure here, we don’t have a particularly good relationship and never have done. We get on fine when we see each other but she never makes any effort with me or my children at all. That is, she is a bit patchy with remembering the kids’ birthdays and she never calls me, remembers my birthday or suggests getting together etc. (and I mean literally never in each case!)

However, she is still my sister and I don’t want my children to have the relationship with their cousins that I have with mine (i.e. none at all). Consequently, I invite her children here every holiday and I am sometimes allowed to have them :) They are fab and get on very well with mine (similar ages).

I have had to do overtime this week so that I can take next week off – I am blimmin shattered and could really do without all the driving prior to having a houseful of children all week – although I love having them here it will be very full on! Is it too much to ask that she at least does one of the trips herself? Is it not just a teeny-bit taking the pee, especially given that she doesn’t work and I will have done 50+ hours this week to make time to have her kids to stay?

What d’you ladies think or should I stop whining seeing as this situation is entirely of my own making?!

[ShowMePotatoSalad]

If you offer something on your own volition you can't really complain IMO. It's nice of you to have them but as you've offered you can't add caveats. Meeting halfway makes perfect sense to me.

[motherofallhens]

Yes, Ed, project away! She is totally meh about her family having anything to do with mine. If I didn't offer free babysitting then we would never see them at all as they never ask us there and she is always too busy to come here.

And Serial, that is just what is going on. Unless I make it easy, she'll just say no :)

Basically, I offer to have her kids in the holiday as I have worked out this is the only way for my children to have a relationship with them. But unless I do all the running it just won't happen. Wah! I feel like I'm 6 years old all over again - it's not faaaair!

[museumum]

I've said no to 3.5h driving each way in one day for work before so I get she doesn't want to do that.

I think either she says overnight with you or she meets you closer to yours (1hr from you would be 5 hrs driving for her).

[motherofallhens]

Witchend - I completely agree with you but - in case it's not clear from the thread - I do not have the upper hand in this relationship! The 10 days was her idea not mine :)

[ILostItInTheEarlyNineties]

Will all of your dc and her children even fit in your car? Or will you be driving a bus?
It's also worth thinking about possible delays. You are unlikely to reach your half way meeting point at the same time. It would be miserable stuck in a car with fed up children because one of you is stuck in traffic.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

If you tell her she needs to come all the way, be prepared to accept she may not want to bother. Yes, it's cheeky. However, I think you need to decide what is more important for you. Seeing the children and slogging your guts out. Or not seeing them. That said, once you have them, I'd ensure she came all the way to collect them. You could for example have an awful migraine that day and be unable to drive.

[gandalf456]

I think sisters can afford to be a bit cheeky - I know mine is. But, equally, you know her well so it's easier to be assertive and say, well, no, chuck, I'm taking your kids off your hands so you can do the drive. I think offering her an overnight stay is a good compromise but get a takeaway or something, don't cook.

[KC225]

If you invite someone to dinner, do you expect to collect them and drive them home afterwards? Same goes for 'stays'. I would collect someone from the train station/airport only.

It sounds as if the OP is doing a lot of the legwork in enabling a good relationship with the cousins. The boys were invited, not summoned.

Tell your sister about all the extra hours you have done this week. Something tells me there may be a bit of eye rolling but she will do it.

[diddl]

"The 10 days was her idea not mine"

And if you had said that the 10 days was too long?

[StewieGMum]

Oh honestly. If your sister didn't want you to see her kids, she could just say no. It's hardly rocket science.

7 hours isn't a long days of driving; not with breaks in the middle for lunch when dropping the kids off.

[blueskyinmarch]

Let me see if i can work through this:
1)You have invited them and want them to come to maintain a relationship with you and your DC. This is really good.
2) They live 3.5 hours away and you don’t want to drive all that way and back to get them due to working long hours. This is understandable and reasonable.
3) Your DS has not good a good relationship with you and is unlikely to agree to driving them all the way to you or generally having any interaction with you beyond handing them over.
4) If you don’t agree to the driving half way thing then it is likely they won’t come. But you really want them to come (see point 1).

I think given all this then, if you want them to come, you will need to suck up the driving half way deal. I am not saying it is the right or fair thing, it is just what will need to happen if you want to see these children. Could you collect them then go do something nice in that general area for a while so you don’t have to drive back immediately? How old are all the children?

[BagittoGo]

Yes she entitled and yes it will continue as long as you enable her.

[GreatFuckability]

She's not entitled at all, shes not asking you to have them, YOU want to facilitate a relationship, which is fine, but thats your choice. You can't offer to do something, and then get the hump if the other person isn't as bothered as you are. thats not how life works.

[Mrdarcyfanclub]

Yes of course she's being entitled. Is she the golden child? But she probably will refuse to come to yours so you may have to suck it up and just enjoy the positive feelings you get from enabling both your and her children to have a good relationship.

[MumW]

I'd be tempted to say that if you are having to drive half way then 10 days is too long. To my mind 3-5 days would be more than long enough to keep the relationship going. 10 days is a long time to provide free childcare even to family's children (unless a special reason such as illness).

If you are doing Sat-Sun then suggest Sun- Sat as that gives you a day either end to recover from long working week/week of extra children.

[Witchend]

Oh honestly. If your sister didn't want you to see her kids, she could just say no. It's hardly rocket science

She could. But by the Op's admission she's asking every holiday, and the dsis may well feel she can't refuse every time. It does get awkward if someone is asking frequently for something you don't want to do but don't want to tell them that.

There's also the way things are asked. It could be: "Do the kids fancy coming this holiday? I'm free all Easter if it suits you x"
Or the "I want the children to come. You've said no the last two times and it really isn't fair on my children who are desperate to see yours and you know dm gets upset when she thinks our children don't see enough of each other..." followed by an angry phone call when she says no, and three other emails threatening to tell dm... (I'm not accusing you of that Op, I'd imagine you're somewhere in the middle)

I've certainly accepted things I don't particularly want to do both for me and the dc because of being hassled/pressured into it either because I can't think of a good enough reason quickly enough, or because I can't face the stress of saying no.

[Wishiwasmoiradingle2017]

Would you have to take your dc with you? If so that's a lot of car time for the dc whereas she would be driving back alone!!
She sounds like a chancer...
Makes me glad I am an only child tbh!!

[SmitheringSmithison]

If I didn't offer free babysitting this is the crux of your resentment. You view you having the children as you doing your sister a massive favour-hence why your slightly put out at having to drive half way to collect them. I highly suspect your sister views that she herself is doing you a favour by letting you have that time with her children (as she's made it clear she isn't fussed about having that relationship with you by what you've said), that she feels obliged to say yes to you having them every so often and she actually views her meeting you half way with them as her facilitating what you want. I don't really think either of you Abu but you both view the arrangement and benefits to each other differently.

We had a similar situation with BIL at one point with him telling everyone on about how he was 'doing us a favour' and 'babysitting' for us. Yet we didn't particularly want the childfree time, nor did we need him to babysit. The only reason we agreed was out of a sense of obligation to him building his relationship with them but tbh we became quite resentful of the fact that his desire to have the children would actually put us out massively in facilitating it but also cost us financially too and that not only that it was expected that we just suck that up but that we was then to shower him with gratitude for giving us kid free time that we didn't particularly want.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

YANBU. You are essentially doing her a favour so she could at least give you the courtesy of dropping them off and picking them up.

When I was younger, an adult in early 20s, I got on well with 2 of my young cousins and enjoyed having them for the holidays. I'd ask my aunt, they lived 2.5 hours away, and I'd go and pick them up, bring them back for a week and another relative would take them back and stay up there for a couple of days. One time I drove all the way up there, always stayed 1 night. When I got there my aunt announced that the other relative had invited her down for the week and she was coming, the day after I was leaving hers with my cousins! I was FUMING. She waited until I got there to tell me, she knew this the day before I went. Another example of her deliberate awkwardness, she could be a bit of a cow to me. My aunt didn't work either.

[SoulAccount]

Who says it's a favour? If she doesn't work, maybe she enjoys holiday time with her kids. She has free time when they are at school.

Either she is prepared to do two 7 hour drives or she isn't. If she isn't, and she isn't bothered whether her boys visit you or not, it's up to you whether you invite and do the drive or not. You can't dictate others' lives by issuing invitations.

Drop the martyrdom and comparing your hard tiring life to hers, which you view as cushy. It could be part of the problem.

[mikeyssister]

Drive to collect. Be unable to drive to drop back. Sorted!!

[Porpoiselife]

I think its reasonable to meet half way. Otherwise one person has a 7 hour round trip - assuming no traffic hold ups which is very draining and possible dangerous. Whereas if you meet half way, its only 3 1/2 hours each and if you arrange to meet halfway at lunch that will break the trip up.

Unless she has asked you to ave them, which she hasn't, you are being unreasonable

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

OP, why don't you just phone and ask her, you never know, you may be pleasantly surprised at her answer. Asking on a forum, isn't going to get you the correct reply.

[GreenPeppers]

You proposed to have her dcs because it's something that is beneficial TO YOU (or rayer your dcs but y swim).
It would be interesting to see how your Dsis is seeing things. Does she think she does you a favour by having the dcs at yours (she knows this would make you 'happy', you are really keen on it etc)? Does she feel pressured in any way to do it?

On your side, it's easy to say 'well I have made a huge effort. She is getting 10 with no children. Really she sought to make an effort'
On her side she MIGHT think 'well Ive done her a favour by letting the dcs to go and see her even though I'm not in good terms with her, the least she can do is to drive half way'.

Bottom line is, how important is it for you to see her dcs and for your children to have a relationship with them?
If it's essential, then I would drive half way. Because you are doing that for you and your dcs, not for her iyswim

[DontTouchTheMoustache]

I think YABU you seem to be massively trying to plant yourself as this wonderful, saintly sister by having her kids which is such a stressful thing for you but you are the one that has pushed and pushed for it. Totally reasonable on her part to suggest you share the driving as that's a very long round trip for her otherwise. I feel like ylwhatever she does you will criticise her.