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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is my sister being entitled or does this sound reasonable to you?

135 replies

motherofallhens · 31/03/2017 09:23

I am feeling fed up! I am having my sister’s two boys to stay over the holidays. This was my suggestion and we are really looking forward to having them here. However, in addition to having them here for 10 days, my sister also expects me to meet her halfway to pick them up, then drive them halfway home again. They live 3.5 hours away from us so quite a lot of driving.

Am I being U in thinking that she is being U?!

Total disclosure here, we don’t have a particularly good relationship and never have done. We get on fine when we see each other but she never makes any effort with me or my children at all. That is, she is a bit patchy with remembering the kids’ birthdays and she never calls me, remembers my birthday or suggests getting together etc. (and I mean literally never in each case!)

However, she is still my sister and I don’t want my children to have the relationship with their cousins that I have with mine (i.e. none at all). Consequently, I invite her children here every holiday and I am sometimes allowed to have them :) They are fab and get on very well with mine (similar ages).

I have had to do overtime this week so that I can take next week off – I am blimmin shattered and could really do without all the driving prior to having a houseful of children all week – although I love having them here it will be very full on! Is it too much to ask that she at least does one of the trips herself? Is it not just a teeny-bit taking the pee, especially given that she doesn’t work and I will have done 50+ hours this week to make time to have her kids to stay?

What d’you ladies think or should I stop whining seeing as this situation is entirely of my own making?!

OP posts:

amprev · 31/03/2017 12:11

Yay! Another thread about how easy it is being a SAHP!

dowhatnow · 31/03/2017 12:12

"I've worked 50+ hours this week so I'm not fit to drive to pick them up. What would you like to do? You can drive them here for the 10 days and I'll bring them all the way back to yours or we can shorten the break to 7 days and we can meet half way when I've recharged my batteries and won't fall asleep at the wheel. What would you prefer to do?"

thisgirlrides · 31/03/2017 12:12

Can you ask that she do the lion's share of the drive as you've been working/have kids to entertain etc but you'll meet part of the way to save her the full drive. Find a service station or pub an hour from you so she only has a 5 hr rounds trip with break and you have a shorter trip too. Whilst I do think she should drop them off, I suspect she'll just say no & you won't see the dc.

RB68 · 31/03/2017 12:17

I think the drive has to been separate from the visit - its a bloody long way for a there and back in one day and I just wouldn't do it myself, I would arrange to stop over either at hers or a hotel (excuse for some spa time via groupon or something) but its also alot of petrol/diesel. My DD is going to her Aunties with her two cousins - we live in three different countries!!!! So Aunty is flying in to Liverpool, brother (dad of other two) is flying in with his from Dublin and I will drive two hrs up to meet them. Same in reverse for home after 10 days. She loves having them, (can't now have her own) they love going, I miss her terribly but it gives me a chance to do work and a few things for ourselves. So it could be worse!!! We are a bit slapdash with birthdays and wot not (not unknown to deliver pressies nearly a yr later) but we are family. Families do get busy and different things are important to different people - she is still facilitating them coming - driving, missing them, not doing things themselves so it is all positive.

dowhatnow · 31/03/2017 12:19

I must admit i wouldn't drive for 7 hours in one day. Not for all the tea in china. It's a big ask. She would probably choose the shorter stay if you give her the option.

BarbarianMum · 31/03/2017 12:23

ImperialBlether · 31/03/2017 12:26

Yes, but the children involved are at school! We're not talking about toddlers here.

llangennith · 31/03/2017 12:37

Ask her to bring them, you'll take them home.

ImperialBlether · 31/03/2017 12:56

So the OP should drive 7 hours after looking after them for 10 days? Are you insane?

dowhatnow · 31/03/2017 12:57

She's already offered that option.

lalaloopyhead · 31/03/2017 13:02

I think you need to look at this more like contact, rather than you giving her free childcare. It's not nice of your sister but I suppose you could look at it from the point that she herself doesn't particularly want to see you but she will at least facilitate a relationship between the cousins. If she is not overly fussed whether they come to you or not then I don't think she is being particularly entitled by asking you to meet half way.
I do however think you are being a brilliant Mum/Auntie by doing this.

rookiemere · 31/03/2017 13:02

I've only skim read the thread so apologies if I have missed anything.

A 7 hr round trip is one helluva drive. I certainly wouldn't do it in a day. It seems much more sensible to meet half way so you're each driving for half of that.

I know you feel like you are doing her a favour, but she didn't ask you to have her DCs and as she doesn't work it's not like she needs childcare cover.

It does seem to me that DSIS is not the only one who likes to have things her own way.

diddl · 31/03/2017 13:04

" I invited them, she suggested 10 days."

But you didn't have to agree!

pictish · 31/03/2017 13:11

I don't think she's being entitled, no. This is your trip, not hers. They are coming to stay because that's what you want. A seven hour round trip is quite an undertaking for someone else's idea.
I mean of course it would be great if she was reading from the same page as you in that regard and wanted to contribute more...but the fact is, this is all your doing so therefore it's your responsibility imo.

If I'm being honest I think asking for them to stay every holiday and having them for 10 days is overkill.

Original poster

motherofallhens · 31/03/2017 13:15

But you didn't have to agree!

Please please please, I am not complaining about having the boys for 10 days. I am delighted to have them here, they are awesome. What is doing my nut in is purely the transport logistics and my sister bossing me about as she has done since I could walk :)

Loopy and others who posted similarly Thank you I am not a martyr. I love having my DNs but it is also a nice break for my sister (although 10 days would be too much of a good thing for me!) So I do think she could be a bit more gracious as I think you are implying!

OP posts:

diddl · 31/03/2017 14:14

"Please please please, I am not complaining about having the boys for 10 days."

Ok-so it doesn't matter that she suggested it then!

So she has offered to do half of the driving by meeting halfway both times-thus avoiding a 7hr drive, but you would rather that you both do a 7hr drive each?

Mu123 · 31/03/2017 14:53

I think i would walk my dc 7 hours for 10 days of peace!

Blinkyblink · 31/03/2017 14:58

Sorry I'd already suggested,

But what about finding somewhere nice to stop for lunch? 3.5 hour drive, with a two hour break, a nice pub garden for children to play and let off some steam and for you to recharge for the journey back. Plus some time with your sister.

Blinkyblink · 31/03/2017 14:59

And tbh 10 days is an unbelievable amount of time to want to be apart from your children!!

Original poster

motherofallhens · 31/03/2017 15:00

Sorry if I sounded defensive Several posts have suggested I'm being a martyr and I'm not, honest!

And yes, it's not the driving per se that bothers me. Just that I would prefer to do one mega-driving day rather than effectively spend big part of two days driving back and forth. I appreciate it doesn't sound like a big deal but it would make a lot of difference to me! I guess part of the issue is that I am quite happy to do long drives whereas lots of others aren't so perhaps had underestimated that. Along with the fact that my sister would probably see stopping for lunch/sleepover with us as definitely the worst part of such a long journey

OP posts:

Original poster

motherofallhens · 31/03/2017 15:04

mu123

And yes Blinky will probably end up doing a variation of that. Although I now have about as much enthusiasm as my sister for spending some quality time together, the kids will enjoy a blast outside!

OP posts:

diddl · 31/03/2017 15:47

I guess it depends on what time you meet as to how big a part of the day driving half way would cut into.

You don't have to all have lunch together-you could just have a coffee stop & be back for lunch for example.

purpleprincess24 · 31/03/2017 16:45

Could she not bring them on the train? I would always take that option over a 7 hour drive !

HopefulHamster · 31/03/2017 16:49

I understand how hurt you feel OP. My brother and I actually get on well in person, but he lives more than 3.5 hours away and makes no effort to see us. Last time he came, he got my dad to drive him seven years ago. We have offered to meetup halfway and have a minifamily break and he said it was too much money. We have offered to put them up and they say the train costs too much. We asked about the car, and he didn't want to put it on the motorway for that long.

We have seen them three or four times at an expense that we justified as 'that's what you do to see family'. He does not value us in the same way. Obviously I don't have huge insight into their finances but I would guess we have similar levels of disposable income.

There is no way in a million years he would drive seven hours in one day for me. I had never thought of inviting my nieces. There's an age gap with my kids so I don't think it would work. But they do like childfree time so might agree to that!

I think what's confusing the issue is you are willing to do a seven hour drive and she isn't. That's fine. Most people would find that hideous. If you are happy to do some driving, just give yourself an extra day between working and starting the break with them. Or meet up at a specific location that means she does a little more than half but it isn't terrible in total.

I think you're very kind to keep the relationship going. It's hurtful when someone doesn't dislike you necessarily, but just doesn't care enough to make the effort.

With my brother, I tell myself now that I will do what suits me to keep the relationship going, but will no longer go out of my way for them while they would never help us out.It's not malicious, it just is what it is.

Original poster

motherofallhens · 31/03/2017 18:09

Very sad to read your post, Hamster. Like you say, it is what it is but it's hard being on the receiving end, especially when you sound like you are being so reasonable about it i.e not ranting like me!

OP posts:

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