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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not agree to support my husbands point of view

107 replies

feelingshittyagain · 30/03/2017 21:57

Ok I'll try to keep it brief. Basically I have a child with my DH who is over 18. When they were born DH and I were not married and we decided to give our child a double barrelled surname, DHs surname and my maiden name. When we married we renamed the child with my DHs surname as I was taking it too, so we would all be the same.

Our child has recently decided that they would like to revert back to the double barrelled name. They say it's because they want to feel like they are honouring both families. Our child is over 18, lives at home still and is very family oriented.

DH has flipped, he thinks our child is dishonouring his name and breaking up the family unit. I don't agree, I think our child is an adult and if they want to change their name then that's their choice. I don't think we can control the actions of our children, only guide them to make the right choices. I have suggested that our child use the name in social media but not change it officially yet, as I feel he should get a feel for it rather than make a rash decision. DH thinks it's a stupid idea completely but has told our child that it's their decision he just doesn't agree with it.

However, the real issue here, finally, is that DH is really pissed at me for not supporting him, not backing him up in telling our child not to change their name. We don't agree on this issue and I don't feel that I should back him up just because he wants me to. Aibu? I see where he's coming from but I don't agree with his opinion, should I be supporting an opinion I don't share to support my husband?

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 30/03/2017 22:01

Seems like a very unusual situation.

Did your son know this might antagonise his father?

Lots of ways to honour your parents without resorting to this?

Who told him about his old double barrelled surname?

I do think your dh should allow you to have your own views though.

Lovewineandchocs · 30/03/2017 22:03

Certainly not! Like you say, it's your child's decision and I think getting a feel for it on social media etc is a very sensible suggestion. I think your DH is being overdramatic, your child will still have his name, just yours as well. You are under no obligation to support his point of view if you have a different opinion-this isn't a case of parenting a young child where a united front is needed. Your DC is an adult and you are supporting his or her adult decision. Your DH needs to get over himself.

mycavitiesareempty · 30/03/2017 22:03

Well, it sounds like your child is pushing back against their father's dominance and I can't say I blame them.

Dishonour ingredients the family name??! Has anyone mentioned to your DP that this is not the '50s??

mycavitiesareempty · 30/03/2017 22:04

Dunno where ingredients came from! Pls ignore!

bobs123 · 30/03/2017 22:04

Your child is over 18 so his/her choice. Don't know why your DH is upset. Not as if you child is taking your make exclusively. As it's within the family I don't see why he is so upse at the perceived lack of support

Original poster

feelingshittyagain · 30/03/2017 22:06

I don't think our child thought it would antagonise DH as I don't think they thought that far ahead! But DH is hot headed so it wasn't a surprise.

They've always known about their old name, it didn't change until they were 5.

OP posts:

HecateAntaia · 30/03/2017 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ScarlettFreestone · 30/03/2017 22:08

What will "break up the family" is your DH's resistance to the fact that your DS is an adult and that this decision is none of his business.

tigerdriverII · 30/03/2017 22:10

Your DH is a dickhead. Sorry, but this is the attitude of a twat

ThePiglet59 · 30/03/2017 22:10

All those hyphenated names are such bollocks.
When Mr Brown and Ms White has a kid they call her Chlamydia White-Brown. Fair enough. Both families are 'honoured'.

Meanwhile Mr Black and Ms Green get married and have a kid. He is called Timberlake Black-Green.

Now when Chlamydia and Timberlake meet and get married, what do they call their child Brexita?

Is it Brexita White-Brown-Black-Green?
What about the next generation?

Utter bollocks!

Mummymoanasaurus · 30/03/2017 22:10

I have a similar situation in that my 2 elder children have the double barrelled surname (before marriage) and younger children family married name. We could have changed the elder ones surname but they said it was their name. I think husband was a little peeved at first! I just said they could call themselves what they liked and they do, different situations/social media etc, both adults now. Your child is an adult so it is their decision, I think at that age they do sometimes like annoying parents too 😄

RandomMess · 30/03/2017 22:12

My eldest has completely changed ALL her names, yes it hurts but geez she's an adult she can do what she wants!

RJnomore1 · 30/03/2017 22:13

I love the take of chlamydia, timber lake and brexita!

Your dh is wildly unreasonable. Would he feel the same if his daughter married and changed her name?

Original poster

feelingshittyagain · 30/03/2017 22:14

He is a bit of a sexist misogynist traditionalist when it comes to the home. He told his dad that he was losing control of the home because I won't agree to support his opinion!

OP posts:

WindyBottoms · 30/03/2017 22:16

The double-barrelled name was perfectly fine for the first five years of your child's life. Presumably the family unit remained unbroken during that period?

Your child is not your DH's property. They can call themselves whatever they like. I wouldn't pander to the melodrama.

guinnessguzzler · 30/03/2017 22:16

Why won't he agree to support your opinion?!

Original poster

feelingshittyagain · 30/03/2017 22:20

Exactly! Guinness and Windy (yes it remained unbroken) And, what's so wrong with my maiden name that it disrespects his name?

OP posts:

5foot5 · 30/03/2017 22:21

Guinessguzzler hits the nail on the head

hiccupgirl · 30/03/2017 22:22

I'd tell your DH to stop behaving like a small child tbh.

Your child can call themselves whatever they want if they're over 18. What a load of rubbish about breaking up the family.

And why is your DH not having to support your point of view? Of course you shouldn't support him if that's not what you believe.

ThePiglet59 · 30/03/2017 22:24

This actually sounds like the usual 'teen kicking against the parents' thing.

Ohyesiam · 30/03/2017 22:25

Ask him why he's not supporting your opinion.

Original poster

feelingshittyagain · 30/03/2017 22:31

Piglet - you're probably right but the point here is really about whether I'm being unreasonable in not supporting my husband's opinion on the matter. If our child wants to change their name and regrets it that's their problem to be honest. It will be stupid but it will be their mistake, they are over 18. But I don't see why I have to support my husband when I don't agree. He's already told me that I will have to change my name (threatening divorce?) if I give our child any money to help them change their name (they haven't asked, I wouldn't offer).

OP posts:

GloriaV · 30/03/2017 22:32

Perhaps child could wait until he leaves home to change his name.

WellErrr · 30/03/2017 22:34

He sounds awful. Sorry OP.

LellyMcKelly · 30/03/2017 22:35

Your child can call himself anything he wants.

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