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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to support my husbands point of view

107 replies

feelingshittyagain · 30/03/2017 21:57

Ok I'll try to keep it brief. Basically I have a child with my DH who is over 18. When they were born DH and I were not married and we decided to give our child a double barrelled surname, DHs surname and my maiden name. When we married we renamed the child with my DHs surname as I was taking it too, so we would all be the same.

Our child has recently decided that they would like to revert back to the double barrelled name. They say it's because they want to feel like they are honouring both families. Our child is over 18, lives at home still and is very family oriented.

DH has flipped, he thinks our child is dishonouring his name and breaking up the family unit. I don't agree, I think our child is an adult and if they want to change their name then that's their choice. I don't think we can control the actions of our children, only guide them to make the right choices. I have suggested that our child use the name in social media but not change it officially yet, as I feel he should get a feel for it rather than make a rash decision. DH thinks it's a stupid idea completely but has told our child that it's their decision he just doesn't agree with it.

However, the real issue here, finally, is that DH is really pissed at me for not supporting him, not backing him up in telling our child not to change their name. We don't agree on this issue and I don't feel that I should back him up just because he wants me to. Aibu? I see where he's coming from but I don't agree with his opinion, should I be supporting an opinion I don't share to support my husband?

OP posts:
2410ang · 30/03/2017 22:39

feeling He's already told me that I will have to change my name (threatening divorce?) if I give our child any money to help them change their name (they haven't asked, I wouldn't offer).

^I bloody well would! Such a cheek. Needs reminding this is 2017 not 1957.....

Viviennemary · 30/03/2017 22:40

Sounds as if your son is doing this to be a rebel. I knew a girl who changed her name when she fell out with her mother changed it back when she fell out with her Dad. Changed to double barelled when she was speaking to both of them. Then changed again. Totally mad. I can see why your DH is annoyed.

Italiangreyhound · 30/03/2017 22:42

YANBU.

"should I be supporting an opinion I don't share to support my husband?"

Of course not and the fact your husband thinks you should is laughable. The idea he has suggested he may divorce you over this is hugely offensive.

It's your child's own name and their own choice as someone over 18.

You are, of course, also over 18 so you get to have your own choices too.

I think your husband is a giant insecure ass.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 30/03/2017 22:43

Your DH is being an absolute dick about it all. Threatening you with divorce? WTF is his problem?

Your kid is only changing his name back to what it was. I don't think you had any real right to change it in the first place, to be honest, but you did. He has every right to change it back though, he's not picking some random name, its his own original name.

knackeredinyorkshire · 30/03/2017 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheProblemOfSusan · 30/03/2017 22:48

If the faaaaamily unit and traditionalism was so important why was he making babies outside of marriage the first place, HMMM? Bit hypocritical there.

But obviously YANBU and your adult child can do as they like. I didn't change my name upon marriage and would either give our children my name or, more likely, double barrel.

Your husband is being absurd.

ThePiglet59 · 30/03/2017 22:51

"Piglet - you're probably right but the point here is really about whether I'm being unreasonable in not supporting my husband's opinion on the matter. If our child wants to change their name and regrets it that's their problem to be honest. It will be stupid but it will be their mistake, they are over 18. But I don't see why I have to support my husband when I don't agree. He's already told me that I will have to change my name (threatening divorce?) if I give our child any money to help them change their name (they haven't asked, I wouldn't offer"

Can't argue with any of that

Carolinesbeanies · 30/03/2017 22:51

Wow, to your last post OP. Is there anything else going on around this? Its seems a hugely disproportionate reaction.

Not sure how to broker a peace on this one, but defo feel theres more bubbling behind it than just the name change. Only you know your DH, do you think theres anything hes not telling you? Work? Parents? Health? Its just so extreme telling you to change yours etc

If I remember correctly, I think the spanish use the womens maiden name.....not that that helps, but perhaps DS could blag its a new EU directive 😀

Perhaps letting dogs lie for now is the best option, dont force the point and see if DH is a little more open to discussion in a few weeks.

stitchglitched · 30/03/2017 22:53

It's a shame you changed your son's name in the first place when it had already been his name for 5 years. Your husband sounds like a sexist dick.

DingDongtheWitchIsDangDiddlyDe · 30/03/2017 22:55

Piglet, you realise you just described the spanish way of naming children, and its not remotely difficult or unwieldy or bollocks?

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/03/2017 22:56

How to broker peace?

How about...

"I will not pander to your tantrums. DC is an adult and do as he/she wishes. I will also not be discussing this again, other than to say that if you really would divorce me over something our child is doing then I dont want to stay married to you anyway, so knock yourself out."

Stop engaging. He cant have a row all on his own.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 30/03/2017 22:56

Can he articulate why his family name is so deserving of respect whereas yours should be cast aside and not acknowledged by your child, even though it was good enough for him or her to have when they were small? Confused If he was modern enough to accept using your maiden name as part of your DC's surname before, why not now?

StVincent · 30/03/2017 22:59

Is your child female and is the irking of your husband therefore down to the fact that she's becoming more feminist? Wanting to honour your original name etc. If so its not about names at all but about his view that he should be able to label and dominate all the women in his family.

Dozer · 30/03/2017 23:00

Perhaps part of your child's motivation is that they're fed up of their father's domineering and sexist behaviour!

StVincent · 30/03/2017 23:03

Piglet, don't be silly. People with double barrel names have the same choice as everyone else: one takes another's name, they blend names (little Brexita White-Black for example) or make up a whole new name. The Herpes family maybe.

Is it that hard? I've seen this "HAHA OMG INSOLUBLE PROBLEM NO ONE HAS THOUGHT OF THIS" bollocks on here so many times.

LadyLapsang · 30/03/2017 23:05

Not much of a traditionalist if he fathers a child out of wedlock. I think, however, there is more to this story. Something is happening in your family unit and from my experience DCs do not suddenly change their names. Either your DH and DC have a problem or your DC is shining a light on a couple problem between you and your DH; maybe both.

geordiedench · 30/03/2017 23:06

He's losing control of the home? Oh good. Sounds like he's not quite mature enough to handle it yet.

ThePiglet59 · 30/03/2017 23:08

"Piglet, you realise you just described the spanish way of naming children, and its not remotely difficult or unwieldy or bollocks?"

Really?
What happens three generations down the line?
I'm genuinely interested.

emmyrose2000 · 30/03/2017 23:09

Your husband is a controlling, sexist dickhead. If I were you and your child, I'd drop his name altogether and both of you use your married name. See how not-dear hubby likes THAT!

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/03/2017 23:14

How often is this coming up as a topic of conversation?

Is child maybe testing you both? Dad for misogyny and failure to see child as an adult? Mum to see if you will back him/her up? Maybe even trying to prove to mum that dad's a bully, hoping mum will escape when child leaves home and is stuck home alone with the hot-headed sexist?

Your child hasn't done it yet, right? Just announced to hot-headed misogynistic dad that he wants to bring your maiden name into his surname. When I changed my name I just did it and told people afterwards. For me it was admin not baiting.

ageingrunner · 30/03/2017 23:17

It's a bit of a red flag thatvyour dh seem to feel that he owns you and your children

Original poster
feelingshittyagain · 30/03/2017 23:17

There are underlying issues between DH and I. He's bored with his life at the moment ( thanks!) and has always been a grumpy arse. I really don't think our child (male) would do this to antagonise DH because he's not like that in his nature.

We changed his name at 5 because that's when we married and you can legally chahge a child's name to the married family name if you marry your child's father.

He has double standards, he wouldn't kick up a fuss if DD got married and changed her name.

No need to broker peace, he's not talking to me at present, which is peaceful lol

OP posts:
ageingrunner · 30/03/2017 23:18

Is he violent at all op? I'd be worried he might become so.

BestZebbie · 30/03/2017 23:19

YABU.....exactly the same amount of U as your DH is. He is not supporting your opinion either!

Actually, on reflection, I think that you are being less U than your DH because he is making a fuss about not supporting your opinion and actually trying to get you to change it, whereas you don't seem to be that active/aggressive about it to him.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 30/03/2017 23:19

DS is doing it for a reason. Or actually, not doing it, just stirring the pot.

If it isn't to antagonise DH then why is it?

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