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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not agree to support my husbands point of view

107 replies

feelingshittyagain · 30/03/2017 21:57

Ok I'll try to keep it brief. Basically I have a child with my DH who is over 18. When they were born DH and I were not married and we decided to give our child a double barrelled surname, DHs surname and my maiden name. When we married we renamed the child with my DHs surname as I was taking it too, so we would all be the same.

Our child has recently decided that they would like to revert back to the double barrelled name. They say it's because they want to feel like they are honouring both families. Our child is over 18, lives at home still and is very family oriented.

DH has flipped, he thinks our child is dishonouring his name and breaking up the family unit. I don't agree, I think our child is an adult and if they want to change their name then that's their choice. I don't think we can control the actions of our children, only guide them to make the right choices. I have suggested that our child use the name in social media but not change it officially yet, as I feel he should get a feel for it rather than make a rash decision. DH thinks it's a stupid idea completely but has told our child that it's their decision he just doesn't agree with it.

However, the real issue here, finally, is that DH is really pissed at me for not supporting him, not backing him up in telling our child not to change their name. We don't agree on this issue and I don't feel that I should back him up just because he wants me to. Aibu? I see where he's coming from but I don't agree with his opinion, should I be supporting an opinion I don't share to support my husband?

OP posts:
HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 31/03/2017 06:08

In what ways is your son frightened of your husband?
Are you ever frightened of your husband?

And what kind of adult gives their spouse the silent treatment during a disagreement?

Both you and your son are entitled to make your own decisions on this matter. However it sounds like there are much greater problems in your family.

Dozer · 31/03/2017 06:20

Your DS is frightened of his father? Wtf?

And you've done what to address this, and support your DS?

Your H is "often grumpy": emotionally abusive? His attitudes sound like someone abusive. His behaviour (verbal abuse, manipilation, not speaking to you) right now certainly is.

WateryTart · 31/03/2017 06:48

Your son isn't the problem here. It's your abusive husband who is. Please protect your children.

BalloonSlayer · 31/03/2017 06:51

You start out by saying DS is very family oriented which implies he loves you and your DH v much, then later it transpires that he is scared of your DH and drawing closer to his grandparents.

Is there a chance that this is a step on the way to going NC with your DH and dropping his name altogether in the future?

Mummyoflittledragon · 31/03/2017 07:00

I cannot agree with the view of Piglet that double barrelling is bollocks. Dh and I are double barrelled. He didn't want me to be living in the U.K., married to a French man with an Italian surname. I didn't want to lose my family name because it felt like losing a connection to my dead father, whom I lost at a particularly sensitive time. Dh suggested using both names and I said I would if he took the name on too. Which he did.

A name is very much about a person's identity. I didn't have the courage to change my first (ie Christian) name and have finally accepted it in my 40's. So bollocks to not being able to have my identity with my surname to satisfy those, who think me pretentious.

Your husband is being an arse. You know it. The majority of the people on this thread know it. Moreover, he sounds like a complete arse. Please support your son and start sticking up for the two of you. He's only 18 so he still needs his mum backing him up. This surname issue sounds like it could be a drop in the ocean compared with what you may have put up with from. Let it be the one, where you show your mettle.

Properjob · 31/03/2017 07:07

God I can't believe this. There is nothing in law that says your name changes when you marry. Your official name is the 'one you are known by'.
I think your DS is finally rebelling against his authoritarian father the only way he can. When my father left home when I was 18, I changed my name to a totally new one, chosen from a book, as did my DM and DB, he has a whole family named after him now! (SILs choice).
In a final twist, my DS has recently started using my father's surname and I find I like it for him! I have never changed my name the kids are double barrelled.
I think you've given your DS wise advice and your husband is showing his true character and possibly having a midlife crisis to boot. Stand your ground and good luck op

ImGonnaSingTheDoomSongNow · 31/03/2017 07:12

He sounds like an absolute arse. How ridiculous to say he is being disrespected when all DS is doing is changing his name back to what it originally was by adding yours.
And YANBU at all, in no way should you be supporting your husband's opinion over your own just because he is your husband. Why the fuck should his be any more important/valid than yours? Particularly when he is behaving like a petulant child throwing a tantrum. How insulting to you. His attitude has properly given me the rage; what an entitled, shauvinist pig.

IndianWinter · 31/03/2017 07:14

Does your dh have a name from another culture?

pml at Brexita. It's only a matter f time isn't it until we have the little Brexita and Remaina. Grin

May50 · 31/03/2017 07:15

DH sounds like a sexist bully. Up to your DS who is only changing his name back to his original birth name anyway (but even if he was changing it to a new name entirely that's still his choice). Stand up to DH as the grumpy bullying will only get worse over time.

HeddaGarbled · 31/03/2017 07:22

Do you think that your H might have latched onto this as an excuse to have a massive row with you? So, he's narky generally, is speculating about whether he might want out of the marriage and hey presto, here's an issue he can make a big deal out of and pretend to blame you for?

OliviaStabler · 31/03/2017 07:23

Sounds like a power struggle to me between son and father.

Catsize · 31/03/2017 07:26

Yanbu. You could always suggest the three of you stick with your maiden name. Actually, don't.

newdaylight · 31/03/2017 07:37

As someone said earlier, maybe consider challenging your dh about why he is not supporting you in your opinion, tell your mother that you're losing control of the household, and threaten him with divorce if he doesn't step in line.

If he doesn't see how much of an idiot he is being then well, I'm sure you could do better. Sounds like your son would be relieved too.

VeryButchyRestingFace · 31/03/2017 07:44

If the faaaaamily unit and traditionalism was so important why was he making babies outside of marriage the first place, HMMM? Bit hypocritical there.

This was my thought. "Traditionalists" tend not to knock up women outside marriage and then take 5 years to put a 💍 on it.

It was the parents who tinkered with the name the boy was given at birth. He is simply reverting to the name that was - presumably? - on his birth certificate and then changed whilst he wasn't old enough to give consent.

Had his father waited until his son was 16 before marrying his mother, he might have found the boy unwilling to change his surname by this point.

Daddy sounds like he has major ishoos - as a husband, father, and as a human being.

StrangeLookingParasite · 31/03/2017 07:46

He told his dad that he was losing control of the home because I won't agree to support his opinion!

What a diiiiiiiick.

msrisotto · 31/03/2017 07:57

Why are you ok being with a sexist/misogynist bully? The way you talk about it, it's as if it's almost amusing! I don't know your skin colour but if you were black and you told us that your husband was a white supremacist traditionalist, what do you think the response would be? Honestly, I'm disappointed that you've allowed your son you grow up in such a household especially as he is scared of his own dad. Jesus Christ.

GeorgeTheHamster · 31/03/2017 07:57

Why on earth would you even stop to consider that your husband should get to decide your opinions? Of course you don't have to agree with him. As it happens, he's being a complete arse. But even if you were being the arse, you don't have to think what he thinks just because he thinks it.

shovetheholly · 31/03/2017 08:01

Your DH sounds so arrogant. What the hell gives men the right to assume that their wives and offspring will take their name? The fact that he's taking this so personally just shows how enshrined the patriarchal idea of "ownership" is.

He has no right. Your child can choose their own name. And you shouldn't be the victim of this bullying behaviour either. If I were you, I'd revert to the double-barrelled version too, in a show of solidarity against his ridiculous and old-fashioned ideas.

Atenco · 31/03/2017 10:35

"Does your dh have a name from another culture?"

Actually this is a particularly Anglo problem.

Here in Mexico, women do not change their name when they marry and children get the two surnames. My Muslim SIL never changed her name on marriage either.

Original poster
feelingshittyagain · 31/03/2017 11:13

Well firstly can I say thank you to all of you for your words, nice or not. Yes there are issues, yes he's a bully, no I don't find it funny, yes I protect my children, yes I wonder why I'm still here, no I can't afford to leave, yes I do realise I have my own mind but it's easy to forget, yes I'm aware of emotional abuse but it's a new thing for me.

I've always called him my third child. I do stand up for me and the children and we argue when I do. I stand by my ds completely on this one. I don't agree with him and I won't for the sake of peace, which is the problem (his problem).

OP posts:
Dozer · 31/03/2017 11:15

OP, LTB!

SmallBee · 31/03/2017 11:24

Oh he is a flaming thunder cock and a half.
I notice he's not supporting your opinion even though he doesn't agree.
You're doing the right thing sticking by your DS.

Roanoke · 31/03/2017 12:07

What a weird reaction from your DH.

I would take great pleasure in disagreeing with him at every opportunity and reminding him what a dick he's being. Mainly so I could show him that he doesn't get to control others that way.

PyongyangKipperbang · 31/03/2017 13:00

Why cant you afford to leave?

Maybe you could, maybe we could help you find a way that wont impact you to heavily?

Do you own your home? Thats half yours you know......

Ladyformation · 31/03/2017 13:01

Really sorry that your DH is being a dick about this (and, it sounds, about lots of things).

Just wanted to add that I did something very similar to your son when I was 21. Hopefully I can explain simply: my name used to appear on registers as: DFsurname, firstname middlename DMsurname. I changed it to be: DMsurname DF surname, firstname middlename. So I changed which bits of my name were my formal surname, if that makes sense, to reflect both of my parents names. I told them (not asked them, because I like your son was an adult) during the process. My DM was pleased, not sure my DF was but he's never said anything. Because, y'know, I'm an adult and it's my name and it was about honouring my whole family, not about diminishing any part of it.

TL;DR: YADNBU!