To not agree to support my husbands point of view

[feelingshittyagain]

Ok I'll try to keep it brief. Basically I have a child with my DH who is over 18. When they were born DH and I were not married and we decided to give our child a double barrelled surname, DHs surname and my maiden name. When we married we renamed the child with my DHs surname as I was taking it too, so we would all be the same.

Our child has recently decided that they would like to revert back to the double barrelled name. They say it's because they want to feel like they are honouring both families. Our child is over 18, lives at home still and is very family oriented.

DH has flipped, he thinks our child is dishonouring his name and breaking up the family unit. I don't agree, I think our child is an adult and if they want to change their name then that's their choice. I don't think we can control the actions of our children, only guide them to make the right choices. I have suggested that our child use the name in social media but not change it officially yet, as I feel he should get a feel for it rather than make a rash decision. DH thinks it's a stupid idea completely but has told our child that it's their decision he just doesn't agree with it.

However, the real issue here, finally, is that DH is really pissed at me for not supporting him, not backing him up in telling our child not to change their name. We don't agree on this issue and I don't feel that I should back him up just because he wants me to. Aibu? I see where he's coming from but I don't agree with his opinion, should I be supporting an opinion I don't share to support my husband?

How can changing a name break up a family unit?
Surely it takes something nasty to happen, for someone to be an utter cunt for this to happen.
The family will still be the same unit, what's he on about?
It's up to your dc what they decide anyway. They are the adult, maybe more mature than their dad too by the sounds.

I'm really struggling to understand what his problem is. Surely your adult child isn't actually rejecting your husband's name? I'm assuming the double-barrelled surname contains the current surname - it just incorporates your maiden name too? So it's just a question of him taking another surname in addition?

Anyway YADNBU. A) You aren't obliged to support your husband's point of view, irrespective of the subject matter. You are ALWAYS entitled to your own view. B) as you point out your child is an adult and entitled to do what he likes - he can changes his name to Princess Consuela Bananahammock if he wants. C) I can't see what his massive problem is.

Your husband sounds like an unreasonable wanker.

Run rabbit it's a new thing. He's been thinking about changing it for a while and felt he needed to tell dh rather than he find out second hand when he changed his social media

When you changed your DS's name did you do it all officially, or did you just drop one part of it? Has he just gone back to his "official" name?

I think your husband is being an idiot. What's dishonourable about your name? He's not taking your name instead of his - he's not taking a made up name and he's not, as is the case of someone on my DH's friendship, changing his name to that of a random company for a sponsorship/gimmick/publicity stunt. He's going back to the perfectly acceptable name you both gave him when he was born.

Pigface exactly that. And I've said all of that to DH. I don't get it either. We are still a family even if he called himself mr lollipop.

Runrabbit because he's a big softie and he's very close to my parents and he wants to share their name. If I'm honest he's always been a little frightened of DH so he wouldn't antagonise him on purpose

Is this the first time you've realised that your husband is a woman hating babyman with an oversensitive ego? Does he have tiny hands and is he running America by any chance?

Ohhh that's so sad that your son is scared of his dad :(

God he sounds awful, what a twat!

Stvincent that made me laugh. 🤣 No, not the first I've realised I've been here too long but just needed reassurance that I'm not being unreasonable

Really?What happens three generations down the line? I'm genuinely interested

Everyone has two surnames (or sometimes even more), their fathers first surname and their mothers first surname. Women don't change their names on marriage. So if Eduardo Fernández Garrido marries a woman named María Dolores Martínez Ruiz and they have a child named José, their child would most usually be known as José Fernández Martínez. New gender equality laws allow for them to be reversed, and also for the mothers name to take precedence on passing down the line if wanted (since in the traditional way mothers names will be lost to the second generation).
So Jose Fernandez Martinez marries Gloria Garcia Iglesias, their child Maria would be Maria Fernandez Garcia. And so on. It's quite simple.

bet he's not talking to a nest of men on the web about whether he's not being supportive enough of you by supporting your opinion that he doesn't agree with. geez. what is it, 1817?
divorce you? sounds like a plus...

Your son is scared of your husband? What the fuck?

So your H thinks your son shouldn't have autonomy and neither should you.

I don't think I could be with someone who frightened my children. In fact I know I couldn't.

It is very important you support your son here.

Underlying problems?

Fucking hell. He's 'losing control control of the household'? Control of the household? I'd ask him where he got the fucking idea he HAD control of it?!

He & I would last 5 minutes.

I'm surprised you're not divorcing the wanker, reverting to your married name & telling your DS he's more than welcome to do the same.

Why exactly have you out up with this twat for so long? Your (now almost adult) child has grown up scared of him...or at the very least scared of upsetting or annoying him.

It is NO way to live 💐

He's already told me that I will have to change my name (threatening divorce?) if I give our child any money to help them change their name (they haven't asked, I wouldn't offer).

So not only does he think he should have control what his adult son calls himself, he thinks he should have control what you call yourself too. What a Cunt.

He can't make you change your name no more than he can make any other adult change names. Does the thicko not realise he doesn't actually own the surname you have and doesn't get to take it off you in divorce, that you can keep it if you choose to? Like many other women to do after divorcing.

He was fine with double barrelling your sons name before, the inky thing different now is you're married. He does realise women a don't become the property if men after marriage anymore?

He does realise women a don't become the property if men after marriage anymore?

No I dont think he does, and therein lies the problem.

Thats why he was happy to share names before they were married but once he took ownership of his chattel, then all bets were off.

I wouldnt have managed 1 day of marriage to this tool never mind enough years tohave grown up children with him.

And presumably the reasoning he went whining to his dad is because his father is the man who taught him this medieval attitude.

You aren't being at all unreasonable. Your husband, y contrast, is being an arse.

I have always told d my DH that I will support him if I think he is right, but if I don't think he is then I will let him know.

Being married doesn't mean you are under any obligation to share his views, and this one is particularly ridiculous.

*by contrast!!!

Some people are never happy, FFS. So many people worried because their kids take drugs and this fool of a husband of yours is worrying about a name?'

He threatens divorce to you.
He scares your son.
He is trying to control your actions and those of your son.

Doesn't sound like a great dad or partner... is this normal behaviour for him. How is he with dd?

Well if the child is over 18 then there's really nothing your DH can do, is there?

"I'm genuinely interested."

No you're not. If you were, you would have read one of the approximately 4973 threads in the past year where the same point has been raised and addressed- usually more politely than you did.

Thought this might be appropriate

I think your husband is being hugely unreasonable and sexist.