Could you share your husband?

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm watching a documentary about Mormons and it focuses on men being able to have more than one wife. I watched an episode last week too so I imagine it's an ongoing series.

Anyway, I always thought that the family set-up was one that all parties were happy with but in both episodes I've seen the families certainly aren't harmonious with some of the wives being jealous, resentful and appearing to not like the other wives. It all just seems very awkward and unhappy at times with some wives overtly displaying their anger and frustrations to the husband and I'm genuinely shocked.

I assumed it is done for religious/cultural reasons hence why I thought the women were happy to be one of many wives because they had a belief that it's the right way to live, but it appears they aren't all comgortable with it.

I'm just so surprised that some of the wives aren't happy with their way of life because I genuinely believed that the women were just as willing participants in the bigamy as the men were.

Is anyone else watching it?

[Philoslothy]

Polyandry exists too - but AFAIK it's a construct to ensure the men in a family are waited on hand and foot and then serviced by the one slave woman."

It is rare, it exists in Tibet as a way of preventing land from being split up into tiny chunks through inheritance. Brothers will marry one woman and so they all keep their patch of land together as one large area.

[Aeroflotgirl]

No way, even though I may joke about it, in reality it would not work. I cannot see how this benefits his wives, apart from they have each other to lean on, and they have people to look after the kids if needs be, but apart from that, the disadvantages outweighs the advantages.

It is a totally misogenistic and patriarchal set up, to benefit the man and keep the woman just where he wants them. That blokes 2 wives were not very happy, and to throw another two wives and family in the mix. One of the wives who just had a baby, said that if it gets too much, with the new additions,she will leave, I hope so. I don't know where in the bible it says that a man should take more than one wife, there are deeply religious men, that have monogamous marriages. It is just an excuse, as he wants his cake and eat it.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Also what made me uncomfortable, was the notion that the two wives cannot cope without a man, that they needed a man to function. So their dying husband asked his brother to take them and their family, into his family. the wives were seen as helpless and unintelligent beings.

[Pandamanda3]

Been catching up on thread, but just found this interesting but sad story of "Mary mackeret the six of seven wife's" the escape from modern day polygamy'.
(Sorry can't seem to copy link 😕 but that's the title to google)
it's an eye opener tbh, to think this actually happens still to this day.
Feel sorry for the kids too being prevented from simple education incase they become curious of the outside world.
it just seems to be a cult no other word for it, from what iv read anyway.

[gillybeanz]

I know this is talking specifically about fundamentalist mormons and focuses on religion, or so it seems.
In this respect it does seem to be born out of a patriarchal society and typical misogynistic views.

However, take the religion out of it and look at polyamorous relationships and they are just as beneficial to women as they are to men.
www.bbc.com/future/story/20160623-polyamorous-relationships-may-be-the-future-of-love

[KathArtic]

The husband also seemed extremely immature compared to the other guy. I thought both husbands were very immature especially the first one who pratted about on his motorbike and in the swimming pool - very child-like and immature.

I also felt sorry for the third wife (of the second family) who had her baby and then the husband buggered off to another wife. How lonely and vulnerable she must have felt. You just want your little family at times like that.

Finally, with the monogamous couple that young lad 'courting' the daughter should run mile. Having to go shootin' with the father and then having to discuss how far the courting would go...sort of perverted and inappropriate. Did they say the mother's father was the founder of the cult sect?

[Notcoldbutbaltic]

I agree gilly, I can see the appeal to polyamorous relationships. I do know people that it works successfully for.

Have caught up with the episode and the second and third wife appears miserable with this set up. I felt really sorry for them. Generally on the whole of the two episodes women seem to be treated as baby making machines.

[Raffles1981]

I felt very sorry for the heavily pregnant wife. Not sure the women were smiling from genuine happiness, or because they knew they had no choice. The whole idea is not something I could get into. I would hate to think my man was out smooching another woman, making her laugh, sharing jokes the way we do, while I sit at home with other women's kids under my feet. Just no.

[DJBaggySmalls]

I believe some people are monogamous and some aren't, and that its best if we each stick to our own kind. I would have to leave a polygamous culture.
I cant condone children being denied an education.

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

I think in the Muslim faith a man can only have more than one wife under certain circumstances that he can treat them all equally and it provided a home for women who were single or widowed when there were few men about as they were either at war or been killed fighting

Of course sown just feel it's their right and other feels it would be impossible to treat all women equally so only have one wife and of course the wife would object

But these ideas did combine the nature of males being dominant and society looking after each other and they are totally out dated now

[VestalVirgin]

However, take the religion out of it and look at polyamorous relationships and they are just as beneficial to women as they are to men.

Are they? Who raises the children if the men decide to walk away? Who shoulders the financial burden of that?
A man - any fertile man - can father more children than he can pay child support for. Many men manage that in a series of monogamous relationships already, now imagine what would happen if polygyny were to become commonplace. (And the burden of contraception is still, as it has always been, on women.)

As I said, in a culture where that problem is solved, I can imagine polygamy working. But in the world as it is today? No.

[VestalVirgin]

In a society where polygamy is practised widely, there must be loads of single men around. Don't they get really cheesed off?

They do. That is why they are either kicked out of the community (in modern day US) to fend for themselves, or send to a war where they are promised to get 72 virgins if/when they die (Muslim countries).

Superfluous men always lead to violence. Perhaps the prevalence of mass shootings in the US is not so much due to the lack of gun laws and more because they have to many single men.

(And yes, things look very grim indeed for China.)

[slug]

They're known as the Lost Boys Many end up in the sex industry

[gillybeanz]

VestalVirgin

There are lots of women and men in poly relationships, there are groups where you meet like minded people.
it's the same as any relationship where one person decides to leave, why would they automatically have children? Why would a man leave and not a woman?
I don't think you know much about poly relationships. They don't have to involve marriage or even ltr if the poly decides against this.

[KayTee87]

If I didn't love my husband then the thought of sharing child rearing and having company (on maternity leave) sounds nice. However I love my husband and couldn't stand the thought of sharing his affection with another woman.

[EffinElle]

Interesting articles slug

[gillybeanz]

vestal

Here is a good site about polyamory it's different as the individuals don't get married.
it isn't linked to any culture or religion, hence my comment about keeping religion out of it for a moment.
I think it shows how polyamory can work, and how the women are as happy as the men, how the relationships are equal and look towards the happiness of all in the poly.
It's not for me, i don't think but I'm the type to never say never.
www.morethantwo.com/

[The80sweregreat]

I saw a bit of it last night, did look very odd, i couldnt live that way. He just seemed to have his cake and eat it ! No, i couldnt share.

[VestalVirgin]

You cannot take patriarchy out of your relationship if you live in a patriarchal country. I.e. basically anywhere. on earth.

Why would a man leave and not a woman?

Possibly because a woman has to pay a much higher price for having children, and therefore, evolution has made it so that women are less likely to leave their children to the mercy of others.

Men tend to leave and not pay child support at much higher rates than women.

[scaryteacher]

I make sure that dh can't afford more than one wife! I couldn't deal with it, monogamy for me.

[Xarra]

I'm polyamorous, so, yes, I have. He's shared me too. :) Currently I'm only with him, but hoping to get back together with an ex (we split for reasons that allow us to get back together) and it works fine. :)

[gillybeanz]

vestal

I meant why would you presume this to be a problem in a polyamorous relationship.

[IAmNotAWitch]

Whenever I watch those shows I end IP wondering what they need the husband for.

I think I would prefer to live in a big group of women and have men turn up when called.

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm polyamorous, so, yes, I have. He's shared me too. smile

Is polyamorous just a term used to describe an open marriage?

I suppose extra marital sex can't be classed as an affair if the other person knows about it?

Do you both meet the people you/your partner are sleeping with beside each other? Do you all socialise together in the same kind of ways the family in the documentaries do?

Or is it more of a case you are just leading separate lives alongside being married?

[BrieAndChilli]

scaryteacher
Typically in these marriages the husband can only afford 1 wife and family, the other wives are on benefits and declared as single parents