Could you share your husband?

[Writerwannabe83]

I'm watching a documentary about Mormons and it focuses on men being able to have more than one wife. I watched an episode last week too so I imagine it's an ongoing series.

Anyway, I always thought that the family set-up was one that all parties were happy with but in both episodes I've seen the families certainly aren't harmonious with some of the wives being jealous, resentful and appearing to not like the other wives. It all just seems very awkward and unhappy at times with some wives overtly displaying their anger and frustrations to the husband and I'm genuinely shocked.

I assumed it is done for religious/cultural reasons hence why I thought the women were happy to be one of many wives because they had a belief that it's the right way to live, but it appears they aren't all comgortable with it.

I'm just so surprised that some of the wives aren't happy with their way of life because I genuinely believed that the women were just as willing participants in the bigamy as the men were.

Is anyone else watching it?

[Lessthanaballpark]

The system I like is found in southern India. Women sleep with who they like, and men provide for their sisters' children.

Yes, I've heard of this happening! It sounds sensible because children stay with their mother's family, which is natural, but men get the closeness to a child they're related to: their nieces and nephews.

Women aren't naturally monogamous so polygyny benefits the man not the women which is why it only happens in a patriarchy.

[Lessthanaballpark]

She said the wives provide each other with friendship and support. No one is left raising children alone or being solely responsible for the household. I can see how that, in other cultures, could be a positive thing. There's probably less depression and spousal/child abuse, in general at least.

I can definitely see the good in that. The nuclear family is isolating for women. I saw that in a documentary about the Masai too and the women seemed to get on well together.

Interestingly it was quite common for wives to have affairs with beta-males (one was having one with the goat herder!) but they had to keep it secret from the head husband. Which is the bit where it goes wrong.

[DevelopingDetritus]

I just don't get where these women are all coming from. I mean I can certainly see what the guy is getting out of it. The only conclusion I've come to is that these women have come from similar families and are brain washed in to it. For the love of god, what advantage is it to the women??

[DevelopingDetritus]

Ps You could see when he was "consulting the kids" on yet another wife joining the family, the kids didn't like the idea. Then peer pressure and following to the letter what the father was saying, they all "agreed", poor things. Awful! Some of the bloody stuff that's done in the name of "religion" is truly disgusting.

[SuperBeagle]

No, but I'm also not a member of the Fundamental Church of the Latter Day Saints.

I imagine my perspective would be quite different if I had grown up in that sort of culture and religion.

Remember, these are not regular Mormons. They are fundamentalist Mormons. Polygamy is what divides regular Mormons from Fundamentalists. Fundamentalists are the minority and tend to live in secluded cults away from the prying eyes of the law etc.

They also believe that their leader is the President of the US, so...

If you were raised with it, you would likely be quite fine with it.

[nooka]

I live in an area with a FLDS community (and just to second a previous poster it really is only some splinter Mormon communities that still practice polygyny, there are also individual Mormon families that practice it too). Our government has for some time been trying to prosecute the leader of the community (and it's probably better to describe it as a sect) and in one attempt did some extensive research to show that the harms of polygymy were far too great to justify the defense of religious freedom (which is a Right here).

Essentially polygamy is not necessarily an issue at the individual level, but for a community it is very problematic. What happens is that the men at the top of the totem pole get all the women (well girls really as they like to marry them very young, sometimes importing them in from other communities too) and the boys get used for labour and then kicked out. Very dysfunctional abusive dynamics which are shit for everyone except a very small number of top dogs.

[nooka]

Oh and just to be clear, very young is 13 or 14. And lots of wives is not three or four, but 20+

[FritzDonovan]

have a friend who is polygamous and appears to approach potential partners who already are married and have children and run the idea past them.
WTAF?? Sorry, but if I came across this woman running the idea past my OH, I'd see her as a homewrecking bitch of the highest order! I'm sure loads of married men would be flattered and jump at the chance, can just imagine how that conversation would go down at home though....once you knew he had seriously considered it, would you ever look at him the same again?!?
OP - no, just no. He has trouble spending enough time with one family, with a fresh new wife we'd hardly see him!

[Notso]

I couldn't share my husband and I'm not surprised at all the wives are miserable.
It all seemed so false, the constant kissing and touching. How the one who had the baby managed to give birth with the husband and all the wives getting in her face and simpering. It was making me feel angry watching.
What if one of the wives said, I'd like to bring another husband in would that be allowed?

[EnthusiasmIsDisturbed]

I worked with a guy (he is Nigerian) and his father had I think three wives and all the men in his family had more than one wife. He said growing up he had more than one mother and bonded with all his dads wives and all adults parented all children and he really enjoyed his upbringing

He felt everyone was happy they would have squabbles but generally it worked

I am not convinced myself

We really do need a tongue in cheek smiley for those that don't get appreciate sarcasm

[Gwenhwyfar]

"Polyandry exists too - but AFAIK it's a construct to ensure the men in a family are waited on hand and foot and then serviced by the one slave woman."

It's VERY rare. The only example I know of is where two brothers share a wife in a very mountainous area where one brother has to spend months at a time up a mountain. The idea is that the other brother will be there if one dies.

Polyandry slows down the population while polygyny increases it.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"He said growing up he had more than one mother and bonded with all his dads wives and all adults parented all children and he really enjoyed his upbringing

He felt everyone was happy they would have squabbles but generally it worked

I am not convinced myself "

Well, yes, it might be nice for the kids, but not so much for the wives, at least some of the time. On the other hand, there are plenty of women in our society who share their husbands as they tolerate them having affairs. At least those women don't have to look at the other women over breakfast.

[hackmum]

In a society where polygamy is practised widely, there must be loads of single men around. Don't they get really cheesed off?

[LittleCandle]

I've been watching this as well. The main guy featured in this series is a creepy git. I do feel sorry for the youngest wife, who clearly hates sharing, but that begs the question why did she marry a man who already had 2 wives. I thought the bit in last night's programme where one of the wives spouted off about how happy she was that he had other wives and she wasn't jealous at all didn't ring true. And they all kept saying it was only 3 years since the 3rd wife joined them - if its not working after 3 years, then it probably isn't going to work.

I think the whole thing is sick, but creepily fascinating. And now, with the guy's brother has died, and his dying wish was that his brother should marry his two widows - how vilely creepy is that?!

[startrek90]

I'm a Mormon. We don't practice polygamy. What you watched was inaccurate. Probably not members from the lds church

[mrsBeverleygoldberg]

The women aren't allowed more than one dh. The series my four wives the husband said it was disgusting to even hear the idea of a woman having more than one dh. On this programme the men said they were becoming a god by having so many wives.🙄

[Proudmummytodc2]

I haven't watched the new series that is on about this but I watched that one called my four wives.

They all said they are jealous ect but they get over it I couldn't live this way as I'm too jealous but I think it would be really awesome to have the 'sister wives' to help with kids ect but that would be it but I know I couldn't share.

[Roussette]

Did anyone watch last week's episode. The two wives in it were really beautiful and all I could think was... what are you doing with that multiple wife twat. You could do so much better.

I find it all a bit pathetic. Mormon man thinks... I'll become a fundamentalist so I can get my end away with lots of pretty young wives. I also found it pathetic that last episode and this, he's getting 3 bunches of flowers, 3 valentine cards etc. I want to feel special and unique. Not have my husband bring my flowers round, then go off next door with no.2 wife's flowers and so on.

I bet each husband featured on this feels like some sort of sex God.... it's Monday aaaaa yes it's no.2, I'm in for a good night tonight!

I think there is bound to be favourites and a pecking order whatever these husbands say.

[Italwaysworksitselfout]

Watching this last night and it just didn't seem a happy household at all. What struck me was the fact that the couple whose daughter was about to have her first boyfriend had decided to remain monogamous. They seemed uncomfortable about the fact it was expected of them to invite another wife to the family. Maybe I read it wrong?
The little boy who stated that his father was "cheating on his wives" shows that it is human nature, however basic, to feel that having more than one wife is wrong.
I am an "each to their own" kind of person but when he started introducing the idea of marrying his brother's wives even I was a "hell no!!!!". At best this guy is a religious fundamentalist trying to do the best for his God with the enablement of the women but at the worst he is another wannabe cult fanatic or is it the same thing?
Fascinating to watch

[OwlinaTree]

There is a great novel called The Nineteenth wife by David Ebershoff which is a fiction about a modern mormon sect family and about the history of the mormon church. Really interesting read.

[Gwenhwyfar]

"Really? Almost 50% divorce stats, that's not including the couples that live together and then split or the couples staying in unhappy marriages.
"

The ones who live together and then split are examples of serial monogamy rather than monogamy for life. They might be happy with that.

[Italwaysworksitselfout]

I also read an article a while back about the young men (some as young as 14) being shunned from their communities as they were seen as a threat to the older men when it came to taking wives. Most ended up homeless in the cities with no future due to having such a sheltered upbringing. It was really sad

[Gwenhwyfar]

"In a society where polygamy is practised widely, there must be loads of single men around. Don't they get really cheesed off?"

As others have noted, in some of these communities they're sent away.

On the other hand, this happens to some extent in our society. Less popular people are left single while more popular ones are coupled up and some also having relationships on the side.

[Emboo19]

I've not seen the show, so don't know how they organise things. Is it like Monday wife 1 Tuesday wife 2 and so on.... what if wife 1 wants sex and it's not her day? What if it is your day and you don't fancy it, would he stay or just go try his luck with a different wife?
Aside from the jealously side, of my partner with another woman. I don't think I could possibly have my sexual needs met in that kind of situation and my boyfriend has a really high sex drive.
I guess it's not about the wife's sexual needs at all though.

[Dozer]

Horrible patriarchal and fundamentalist set up.