HAVE JUST HAD TO HAVE A WORD WITH NEW NANNY

[frenziednester]

My nanny started work on Sunday and today I was working when I heard her really nagging DS1 to eat his tea, in a very abrasive manner which I was very cross about. We are going through a period of immense change as a family which she has been verbally and foramlly briefed on in her welcome notes, and her contract clearly states what sort of discipline and parenting style I am happy with. I have bent over backwards to make her feel welcome - put a fridge, DVD player, TV and video in her room, bought her a PAYG mobile and initial credit and she even has an hour off in the middle of the day, which I am told is not normally expected. I filled her fridge, took her shopping for food as she said she was a fussy eater and did not like what I was cooking, and I am feeling a little bit put out that she has nto even said a polite thank you - is that unreasonable?

I think you and your son both need support from someone you can trust and your current nanny doesn't fulfill that need - start looking elsewhere.

Much better to sort this out sooner rather than later I would say.

good luck!

can you get a temp nanny if your mum doesn't come out?

have you called doctor/midwife/hospital/hv about german Spitex, could solve all your problems, well a lot of 'em...

I am a nanny and a good nanny will put your children above anything else in their life (unless they have their own children) if they are good. The interview you have with the nanny will be the most important time you as a parent have with them and if they offer a free 30min or longer trial where you can work with them and you can observe them with your children is very important. Always look for feeback from your children to how they are or if the child is at none speeking age check for signs of contentment such as good sleeping patten and cleaness which suggests a good nanny aswell as accurate feedback as the nanny gets to know the child. It is a scary and stressfull time asking another to care for your child so it is important you get someone with experience and with a loving nature who can offer the best childcare possible, you should always get someone who is police checked and check this. Surestart who have a website (who offers nannies and childcarers) are a good place to look as these carers have to complete coures are a good place to look. Also if you are on a low income they can offer to pay some of your childcare costs (contact them for details).

I may be reading too deeply between the lines here, but here goes:

A nursery worker may have a tendency to give you feedback on concrete events - eg, he ate x, he had y dirty nappies. This is because this is firm evidence of care. It is hard to say "He's been happy today" if you have been conditioned to respond with hard data. This is true of many childcare workers, ime. The trick is to present the facts within an overall account of the day, ie including your child's feelings.

To extend this, the focus is then on eating the correct amount, not having accidents etc., and the importance of wider concepts - like having fun, working towards encouraging good eating - diminishes.

I think your nanny may be thinking that to do a good job she has to present you with well fed, clean cildren at the end of the day - all the perceived 'good nanny' boxes ticked.

It's my experience as a nanny/childminder/au pair/creche worker/night nanny that what parents want is a happy child. To achieve this, you need to observe,listen to and understand the experts on the children in question: the parents. I think a good nanny will tell you "He didn't eat much lunch I'm afraid, but he didn't get upset, and we had a lovely time in the sandpit" over "He ate a good lunch but I had to nag him into it." Which would you rather hear?

So to summarise, if you feel it's worth it, I think you should - as you have been - continue to 'parent in capitals' (great phrase!) and clearly instruct her on exactly what is important to you, only you know her and will be able to see if and how she responds to that.

If she can't conceive of losing the idea that badgering children into doing something (eg eating) isn't what you want, or will work for your children, well, yup, she needs to go.

She clearly has little experience in being a live in nanny (frankly, she's not the sort of houseguest you'd invite back, is she?!) and doesn't sound as if she's being very kind to the children. I would never and have never treated children in that way. Agree wholeheartedly with ST about her dragging childcarers into disrepute!

However, over the weekend, I very much hope she will surprise you.

If she doesn't, try gumtree.

thanks again for the time you have taken to type. What's gumtree?

I've done it! I went to see her today and asked her to go on Monday, and gave her a decent severence wage and paid for her flight and train ticket home - I feel SO much happier, and thanks again for all your support. My friends here think I am barking and are being quite cool with me, but I feel as if it is the right decision, and today I had such fun with the boys much more so than if she had been with us. when I knocked on her door and went into her room it was an utter pigsty - 3 day old dirty cups everywhere, food remains on plates overflowing rubbish all over the floor, and I had spent hours cleaning it before she came. I know what she does and how she lives in her own time is not my concern, but once again I felt it was a good indicator that I had made the right decision. Feel a bit bad that I feel so relieved!

well done, I think you have made the right (tho' difficult) decision. She sounded absolutely awful. Hope she is leaving soon.

I also hope your mum can make it out to help you and that the rest of your pregnancy is less stressful than the last few days have been.

Good luck with everything.

I think you've made the right decision and I hope that your mum can come and stay. I don't get your friends' response though - hope they warm up a bit!

If that's how you feel then you have definitely made the right decision. And you have also been very generous to her, so no need to feel bad. I think that if you are not comfortable with the person looking after your children then it just doesn't work, regardless of if there is a "real" problem or not, because communication becomes such an issue. Also working in a nursery is a very different scenario than working in a nursery. Working in a nursery, especially I think in a leisure setting is a sociable sort of environment, which may be more about being with your friends and being somewhere where you are having fun in the evening than whether you really like children. There is also less pressure because there is a team approach, and probably less of a requirement to plan etc. Working alone with children is just different, and the relationship with a parent/employer very different than a normal sort of employment situation. Living in is also very different, and if she has been living in a shared house type of set up she just might not have been thinking that your home was any different to that. So lots of reasons why it might not have worked! anyway, hope your mum can help, and if not that you find some other support that works for you.

Well done, that's great news, and fab that you feel so happy that it is the right decision. Yuk at the state of her room! As she's just started surely she would make an effort to keep that tidy... Am sure you have made the right decision.

Why are your friends being cool with you? Get them to read this thread! All the best with the birth of your new little one. Take care.

Hi Frenzied Nester, I hope things are ok with you today.

To answer an earlier question, www.Gumtree.com is a website where you may find a Nanny/Mothers help as is www.Nannjob.com.

Thanks Scottish Thistle - hubbie is off to Iraq in Aug for 6 months, so I will keep those websites in mind - I have been prevented from losing faith in the profession by the lovely posts of you guys! I took her to the station this morning - and I feel on cloud 9 to be back on my own with the boys - not something I expected to feel when I started this whole process! Took me 2 hours to muck out her room, mouldy food left etc, so I am sure I have made the right decision. The boys look much happier as well, and i am hopeful of a good nights sleep (oh, yes, forgot her parting comment this morning - DS1 had woken up with a nightmare at 4 am - she, in very annoyed tones "WHAT went on last night, I got WOKEN up! WHO was making that dreadful noise." - to which I replied 'welcome to the world of motherhood'). Thanks again everyone for supporting me through such a tough time. V V grateful

Well done - you won't regret your decision. You definitely did the right thing - for you and your dc.

Wishing you all the best.

Had she never even seen a child before?! FGS!

Glad you're shot of her.

She wasn't made for live-in Nannying that's for sure, you get used to being woken up at ungodly hours!...Glad to hear you're all happy without her!

OMG, can't believe she said that, nor that it took you 2 hours to clean out her room. How long had she been there!?!? Definitely the right decision. Well done

Hello again,
Just wanted to say a quick hello - good decision - you'll so much less stressed I think without her.
Could you not ask your cleaning lady if she wanted to extend her hours so that she cooks family meals for you and tidies up etc every day and maybe takes the boys to nursery etc? Then once she's cooked tea, she could go home. And the boys already know her. Just a little thought. I really feel for you at the moment especially with pending birth. Is your mum coming over for a while?

Hi Lucie, Thanks for the message: Mum's coming out next week, and I am sure I can cope until then. Magda's employed by the firm, so I am not allowed to ask her to cook or do child care as it violates her contract, and there are several around here that would twitch curtains if they saw her doing anything like that, but it was a good idea in principle! Great to catch up the other night - hope you have a great time with DH on R&R.

Ahaaaa - just pinged you an email back - I was right about the name then!
See what you mean about Magda - pity.
You'll be fine though - you always come across as a strong person.

You are too sharp by half!!!!!! thanks for the compliment - but don't be fooled by the calm exterior - spend a lot of time frreaking out about everything!

So glad you have reached a decision with which you feel comfortable.
Enjoy having fun with the boys,look forward t the baby,take whaterver help is offered by friends and family and the rest will come.
Definitely think you made the right decision!

Hi,
Glad you came to that decision. Having read all the posts Im shocked she even thought she could be a live in nanny! I was one and would never never have behaved like that, left a dirty room, or any of the other what seem like a million things she did wriong! when you live in someone elses house you live by their rules. Also what was the complaint about being woken up?! I used to get up for night feeds!!

I wish you so much better luck the next time, if you do have a next time. Please listen to us nannys who have posted, there are good ones out there...honestly! If you get a real Mary Poppins you will see what a difference it can be.
Good luck with all.

Fiona

I think the issue is not so much whether her terms and conditions are good - which they seem to be - but what she is like as a person. The above poster is right, if she is harsh on a child about eating - and that is prob a b ad approach to taketo food anyway_ when she knows yuo are around, I dread to think what she would or could be like when you are not there or the child is actually naughty. Some people think it is good and ok to speak firmly, even harshly to children, if that's how you feel, then fine, if not, then you should think carefully about whther this is the right nanny for you as a family.

pearlym - do you realise that this thread is 2 years old?? PMSL How did you stumble upon it??