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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

HAVE JUST HAD TO HAVE A WORD WITH NEW NANNY

132 replies

frenziednester · 07/03/2007 18:03

My nanny started work on Sunday and today I was working when I heard her really nagging DS1 to eat his tea, in a very abrasive manner which I was very cross about. We are going through a period of immense change as a family which she has been verbally and foramlly briefed on in her welcome notes, and her contract clearly states what sort of discipline and parenting style I am happy with. I have bent over backwards to make her feel welcome - put a fridge, DVD player, TV and video in her room, bought her a PAYG mobile and initial credit and she even has an hour off in the middle of the day, which I am told is not normally expected. I filled her fridge, took her shopping for food as she said she was a fussy eater and did not like what I was cooking, and I am feeling a little bit put out that she has nto even said a polite thank you - is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
yeahinaminute · 07/03/2007 18:15

So what did you say to her ??

sunnysideup · 07/03/2007 18:24

i think you're right to tackle her about it straight away; you've already made it clear in the contract, but I think in practice it may take one or two prompts and reminders about how you want her to speak to your children. She has to know it's really important and I guess you need to make it clear to her that the bit in the contract about discipline/parenting style, actually in practice, means saying things this way instead of that way, etc.....

Is she quite new to it?

You do sound that you are being generous employers - that's great, but don't be hesitant about setting limits and re-iterating how she should be doing things.

She's very new though so maybe it's to be expected that she has got to have a time of adjustment to your approach.

lostinfrance · 07/03/2007 18:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

sunnysideup · 07/03/2007 18:26

listening to some parents talk to their kids, 'abrasive' is putting it mildly - so she may well have been in a family before where that was seen as quite ok! that's what I mean about her adjusting to your approach..

Greensleeves · 07/03/2007 18:29

I am exactly the same lostinfrance, I even find my temperature rising if I hear dh being rougher or harsher than I think I would be. Which is unfair, because I am certainly not as nice as I would like to be with them all the time, it's just that there isn't anyone here telling me I'm doing it wrong

tinkerbellie · 07/03/2007 18:31

can i be your nanny it sounds better than being at home....just hasve to find someone to look after my kids

FloatingInSpace · 07/03/2007 18:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whoooosh · 07/03/2007 18:44

I think you are absolutely justified.

I don't know if this would help but when our latest nanny started I stuck a list to the fridge of key things which were important such as key duties to be performed each day but there is no reason why yours couldn't include a "reminder" of how to discipline,what to do if DS1 doesn't want to eat etc.

Contracts are all well and good but once they are signed most seems to be forgotten.

DominiConnor · 07/03/2007 18:47

It's hard to specify exactly how you want discimline done, even with written notes, so a little fine tuning is to be expected. If she doesn't cotton on then it's an issue.

Gratitude is a sometimes thing, but again I don't see it as a big issue, yet.

There is a danger that having got off on the wrong foot, one can get into the habit of seeing otherwise minor things as part of big gaping character flaws.
She's looking after your DC so obviously you want to be very sure she's doing it right, but I counsel a gentle hand else you both can get into a spiral of decline.

Judy1234 · 07/03/2007 19:10

"it's just that there isn't anyone here telling me I'm doing it wrong"... yes, one reason I think having people around is good. I like that we have adult children, friends etc around and about, even though I'd often prefer the house to myself because you have that check and balance and others to hand over to if you get fed up whereas parent totally alone with child for 12 hours a day for some parents is actually dangerous (not those who never lose their temper etc of course).

On the nanny thing intervene if it's wrong, always but in a positive way. You're briliant at so and so and they were so pleased with the meal you cooked. Thanks for that. By the way we don't want to make eating too much of an issue so if the food isn't eaten let's not comment on it please or just encourage pleasantly.

Original poster
frenziednester · 07/03/2007 19:41

I sat her down and very calmly asked her if she was happy and if things were working, and explained what I had just overheard her saying, and that although I knew the boys could be a handful and that they drove me mad too sometimes, that I was not happy about what she had said as DS1 was in a fragile place where daddy is working away for 4 months, I am 3 weeks off having my 3rd child, and we have to move soon. I said that as he was 3 and has just started preschool he has a lot on his plate and being spoken too like that would really hurt him. I said that if she was struggling with them at any time, she was to tell me, and I would take over, and I would rather that than her lose her temper. I ended up by saying that this was a 2 way street and I understood she was trying to settle in, and that I was too as I have never had a live in nanny before, and she was to tell me at any time if she was unhappy with her working conditions, or the children or me and we would resolve it. She seemed a little upset, but now is fine (indicentally hogging the remote control and watching soaps downstairs - I wonder why I put the TV up in her room). I am trying to cut her some slack, I really am, but at the end of the day she is paid to help me through this difficult three months. I feel sick if anyone is horrid to the children - I know I am no angel and have lost my temper more than once with them, but as their mother I can apologise afterwards, give them a big kiss and a cuddle and they know that I love them - they are not sure about this shouty stranger in their house telling them what to do.

OP posts:
Whoooosh · 07/03/2007 19:47

Oh pooor you.

It is really difficult having a stranger living in your house,let alone dealing with your children.I know how long it took me to get used to it.
Fortunately both of our nannies have been easy to live with and always "disappeared" when appropriate.

Gratitude is a difficult one-our current nanny I think appreciate me telling her to go to bed this afternoon and plying her with Beechams-the last one would have run home to Mum.

I do feel for you as you are going through such a difficult time-is it worth contacting her previous employers for some genuine parent to parent advice on how to handle her?

Original poster
frenziednester · 07/03/2007 19:49

good idea whooosh, I hadn't thought of that. Thanks for the support - I think when you are on your own it is great to have some sympathetic support

OP posts:
Enid · 07/03/2007 19:53

god she sounds awful

sorry but she does

ScottishThistle · 07/03/2007 20:01

I think you did the right thing, it never helps to let things fester in my experience.

I also suggest if you're not comfortable with her hogging the remote control you have a word!...She sounds very forward & bolshy, I'd never do that not even after 3yrs in my current position!

colditz · 07/03/2007 20:02

To be honest, I'd find another nanny.

Reason being, her approach with no reprimand is obviously her 'natural' approach - and how would she react to a much bigger (in her eyes) 'misdemeanor'? especially if aware you weren't in earshot?

colditz · 07/03/2007 20:04

Sorry that sentence made no sense at all.

I mean, if she was stroppy with him so soon for such a minor thing, how will she react in 3 months to a major thing.

Eleusis · 07/03/2007 20:07

I would install a weekly review/planning session for her first month and see how it goes. Make it something fun, go to dinner. let her choose the place say once a month. If you are getting annoyed with her company, buy her a mivie ticket and send her out (or something else you know she likes to do).

Have you written up a set of house rules? If not, do one ASAP.

I would most certainly not send her packing based on what you have typed here. She has only been there for a few days and you are both new to this. My first nanny went disasterously wrong, and when I look back there are some things I should have forseen.

Greensleeves · 07/03/2007 20:10

On the flip side Xenia, at least my children are being cared for by someone who loves them

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 07/03/2007 20:14

what exactly did she say to your ds?

some people have different styles and what to one might come scross as agressive may not to another etc. also, I think that as parents we're often hyper sensitive to the way others can speak to our children, because they're our children and in reality, it's hard to listen to someone else disciplinning them.

Eleusis · 07/03/2007 20:15

BTW, if yelling at a child to get him/her to eat his/her tea was a criminal offense, I'd definately have a record. I suppose I expect a nanny to know better, then I also think it depends on whom you hired? Is this girl a seasoned experienced nanny for whom you are paying high market rates? Or is she quite young, and you would therefore expect to have to offer a bit of on the job training?

Original poster
frenziednester · 07/03/2007 20:30

funny you should say that, but my gut feeling tonight was to ask her to leave, but I couldn't find anything in her contract I could use this early.

OP posts:
NappiesGalore · 07/03/2007 20:30

hmmmm... im glad whoosh is on this thread, she seems to be saying the stuff most like i would write...
i feel for you, really. its blinkin difficult having someone in your house, and looking after your kids? its about as intimate a thing you can ask someone to do. imo. so youve got to trust her.

i hope it does work out, i really do, but i do get a feeling that this one may not be the nanny for you... tbh, to me, she sounds like youve made every effort to settler her in well, and shes, um... possibly taking the piss a bit. hogging the telly while you hide out on mn? like you say; you bought her a telly, she should make herself scarce after a day like that i would think.

i am totally coloured tho, by an experience i had of a nanny/au pair from canada (not that thats relevent) who really was quite a strong character, took advantage of my generous character, and general unease at having domestic help at all (it takes some getting used to!) and really, ultiumately, wasnt very interested in my dc's well being. she had her own agenda. it took me a good few months to see all this.... but yours is ringing a lot of bells for me!

like i say though, of course, i could be totally wrong!

Original poster
frenziednester · 07/03/2007 20:35

yes, I have yelled at them to eat their tea, but as I said before, I am their mother and so can make it up to them. And they know where they stand with me. i would never yell at someone else's child to do the same thing. She is experienced and qualified and I am not sure what the market rate is, but she is getting £200 a week, which is all pocket money as I cover everything else. That is for 5 days, 8 hours a day, with a break and me in the house too, unless I am on school runs, and she starts at 9 am and finishes at 6, with an hour off in the day. She jumped at the chance when I offered her the job. I did write down the house rules for her when she arrived, and her duties - they are up in her room with the welcome pack type thing I did for her.

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 07/03/2007 20:40

frenziednester where are you?

I suggest you give it another few days & see how she is...You're very lucky you're around to keep an eye on things!

Has she done live-in before?

Does she have excellent references?

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