HAVE JUST HAD TO HAVE A WORD WITH NEW NANNY

[frenziednester]

My nanny started work on Sunday and today I was working when I heard her really nagging DS1 to eat his tea, in a very abrasive manner which I was very cross about. We are going through a period of immense change as a family which she has been verbally and foramlly briefed on in her welcome notes, and her contract clearly states what sort of discipline and parenting style I am happy with. I have bent over backwards to make her feel welcome - put a fridge, DVD player, TV and video in her room, bought her a PAYG mobile and initial credit and she even has an hour off in the middle of the day, which I am told is not normally expected. I filled her fridge, took her shopping for food as she said she was a fussy eater and did not like what I was cooking, and I am feeling a little bit put out that she has nto even said a polite thank you - is that unreasonable?

Four in total-two out of the four I visited when looking at options for dd.
One in a ski resort and one attached to a local gym where dd used to go occasionally.

I think if she is being like this in the first week.. and whats all that about hogging the remote control downstairs???WTF
You should ask her to leave. You only have 3 weeks till you give birth. You dont have the time to spend on seeing if..what if...
In my experience of nannies and house-keepers, your gut reaction in the first week is ALWAYS spot on. However much I have bent over bacdkwards to accomodate them they still were not right for our family and I endend up totally compromised.

I wouldnt have taken her on has she said to me she was a fussy eater...! That signals something to me! But now Im just hard. (PML at my last comment, even thou' its true. Two of my dc's are very fussy eaters).

I am inclined to agree that you should go with your gut instinct. Also, you have some (limited) time right now to find a new nanny, but I wouldn't have thought you would want this additional stress once the new baby arrives...

I would also get rid. Sounds to me like she thinks she's got you over a barrel, that you won't have the guts to get rid of her as the birth is so close. Presumably you'll be in hospital? So will your son be alone with her or will dh be around then?

Don't know about in Germany, but Switzerland there's an organisation called spitex which sends home ehlp to people who eg have just come out of hospital, mothers with new babies etc. Maybe that would be easier, having someone come in everyday, but then go home at 5 or 6, rather than someone hogging your control and being a bitch to your babies.

I had a similar thing, for a couple of days a week, and it was great having the help, but also fab at 5 when I could wave bye bye and close the door. I personally couldn't do the live-in au pair/nanny thing, and the ingratitude would really piss me off, it sounds like you've gone to a lot of trouble for her.

Be brave and ditch her. If you want I'll check out the German Spitex thing? Did you get her through an agency?How did you find her? How would you get a replacement? Do you speak good German?

Hi everyone - gosh piglit, your experience is literally my worst nightmare. I have tossed and turned about this all night - I found this woman when we went on holiday to esprit last year and watched her for a week with the children in the nursery there, and spoke to her bosses and she really did come highly recommended. But, as someone said, I wasn't there to watch her for children's meals, as I made sure I was always around to feed my own children. She has been much better today, and I have been sort of parenting in capitals, if you see what I mean, so she can see how I like it done. But piglit is ringing more alarm bells - ever since she has been here DS1 has been refusing to sleep anywhere but with me, and that is out of character. If I tell her to go I am stuck with a very real problem that DH is not due home for at least 3 weeks and I have 2 wonderful friends here but they cannot guarantee to be around for when i go into labour. I do speak conversational german, and would be very interested in the Spitex thing - I have heard something simliar in Holland, but didn't realise other countries did it.

also, furcoat I am glad you said the thing about the fussy eating - it never occurred to me to ask (god I am so stupid), but DS1 is very fussy and I have been making headway with him by only allowing him to eat what the rest of us eat, and then he sees her sitting down at the table with a cheese sandwich, turning down our lunch, when if I gave him the chance he would only eat cheese sandwiches every day. I am making myself feel really depressed here - this was supposed to be sucha good idea and I worked realy hard (so I thought) in irnoning out all possible difficulties before she arrived, did lots of research etc and now I feel like a prize numpty.

You are not a Numpty-I think you did pretty much all you could to ensure it was all ok.

See how it goes but do follow your gut feel.

don't hold on to her cos you're desperate, my gut feeling is she's banking on it.

Does your ds go to KG or school?

Will try to find out more about D Spitex - neighbour is German. She says they do have it but each area is different - where are you? She will find out more and I'll get back to you, but having a region would be useful.

You are not a numpty.

just thought, your doctor/midwives/HV/Mutterberatung /hospital must know and be able to put you in touch with the appropriate people. Do you especially want live-in/full time help?

I would be inclined to act sooner rather than later.

My gut feeling at the start was arent you lucky to have a nanny and you were being a bit quick of the mark to criticise her. But to be honest I dont think what she was saying is right and she probably isnt right for the job! If she is saying things at this point when the job is new and you are in the house...what will she be saying when you are out and she is not on her best behaviour?

What is a Mutterberatung? Is there someone special to berate us as well as our partners/consciences/HV s??

Why don't you look for a doula?

I am in Bielefeld, which is nw germany, about an hour away from hannover.

I was a live in Nanny for 6 years (4 years in 1 family and 2 years in an other one), then once I met my husband to be, I was a live out nanny for 4 years to an other family. I know how difficult it can be to move with the family, and I don't understand why your new nanny is already reacting like that to your little child. And she must have known that you could have heard her shouting after your DS... Usually it is the child who play up to the nanny but certainly not the other way around!!! I always took my job as to be the children's bestfriend and the parent's friend. I haven't got a strong temper and I am a calm person and I always managed to get on with the families. I wouldn't recommend to say in front of your child that you are paying her so she should do her job... it does hurt when the child say that back to you (it happened to me once)... You seem to be a great person to work for and yes it is unreasonable for her to not thank you at all. I wouldn't keep her, I am sure you should find a much appropriate nanny. Good Luck.

haha, no beratung comes from Rat which is advice or counsel. So it's a mother/father advisor, a bit like HV.

The mutterberatung you're thinking of is the little old lady in the street, ProfessorGrammaticus

Did you get a chance to call someone to ask about spitex equivalent?

I'd get rid too, I'm afraid. Poor you though - have a hug.

Can you put out a shout for German Mners who might know more about what help you can obtain near you?

Hi,

I read this and felt I just had to write! I am now a mother of three children, but I have been in the past an au pair, then nanny and later teacher! I think your working conditions sound wonderful by the way! Better than any I ever had! How old is this girl?
anyway you sound like you have been very reasonable and att the end of the day she works for you and should do what you want the way you want.
I have worked for ages with kids and love children. When I was a nanny there were definately two types...the ones who were wonderful, as good as mothers, and the useless ones. The way she is speaking shocks me also. I am really sorry for you! She is behaving in an unacceptable way! I would never never have done that with the kids I looked after!
What do you do now though?
Yes I would be worried about what she is saying out of your hearing.
your son should not be being terrorised in this way. Most kids have hang ups about food of one kind or another, he is not unusual.
You need to have another talk with her. Don't let her away with it! She doesnt know how lucky she is with time off in the day and so on...
Try and stay calm......
Good luck!

How are things, FN?

Hi guys. Today has been much better in some ways although I didn't sleep well last night!! She has tried very hard to do things my way and even ate broccoli today with DS1, and told me she had never done it before, (why do I feel like I have another child.....). I finally got hold of DH last night, who said that I must do what I felt was right, but at the end of the day I had to weigh up the fact I am in the house with her and now she knows she is being watched, against going into labour and having no one to leave the children with. I have been through the contract today and know on what grounds she can go, so i am going to ride it out over the weekend and see how she is, and then if I am still not happy on Monday she will be asked to go. I guess that way I feel that I am giving her a chance to settle in and prove herself a bit, but still feel as if I can protect the children - but I am now thinking about the baby too - it might be the best excuse in the world to say that as she has no professional newborn experience I need to consider the other options, and at least keeping her for week or so gives me time to research the other options that have been suggested on this thread. Scottish Thistle, do you think you could clone yoruself and fly out here to help?? You sound lovely!

Your instincts sound spot on to me frenziednester. She is a disgrace to the child care proffession (I am a nanny/nursery nurse). If I could, I would love to come over and be your nanny. Your little boy needs support, understanding, time and patience during this period of great upheaval, not critisism and harsh treatment from somebody you are paying to take good care of him

Really hope you can find someone else, must be the last thing you want to be thinking about right now.

Hi, checking back to see how you are doing. This topic has been on my mind since I read it! I just cannot get over how she is behaving! As an ex-nanny I would never have been hogging your remote, during time off I would either go out, or be in my room. Everyone needs their own space!
If she is trying hard maybe things can improve, but my gut tells me that if she has been like this with your son, you are never going to be able to trust her totally.
this leaves you a big problem I know and you need to feel secure with all thats going on with you.
These must be agencies you could check out?! Or you could I guess place an ad in a paper here in england or in Ireland. All this takes time though, not to mention the pitfalls of trying to interview on the phone and getting an accurate picture!
Let us know how it goes over the weekend...If I get any bright ideas I will post again!
Good luck! Also hope your son is ok?

Fiona

Hi FrenziedNester, I wish I could come & help you or send one of my many excellent Nany friends...Let us know how things go, I think you've found a great excuse to let her go re no newborn experience!

I hope you find someone else quickly however.

Are you registered with an Agency?...I was offered a position in Geneva & started a week later (I won't tell you how awful my Employer was though! ), so it is possible to get a good Nanny with short notice!

Stay positive!

hello ladies! I had a long chat to my best friend today and she agreed with you all and I have mulled and mulled, and I am trying to persuade mum to fly out and stay with me until DH gets back. nanny's day off today, so haven't seen much of her, and I am so surprised how much I enjoyed having the boys back to myself, and that they enjoyed it too. DS1 has not been the same at meal times since, but I guess it will take time for him to relax again. So, I think I will speak to her tomorrow and give the bad news - hope she doesn't boil the cat....... Thanks for the support!!!!!

well done FN, that's good news. The tone of your email is so much lighter already! Fingers crossed your mum can make it over to help you out

Seems like you have come to a decision but thought I would just add my thoughts anyway!

1. If she is like this with your children from the first few days imagine what she is going to be like later. In my experiance people make more effort at the beginning of a new job not less effort.

2. if your son is a fussy eater anyway, such an approach is only going to make mealtimes a complete battlefield.

Hope that your mum will be able to come out and help you.