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AIBU?

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Original poster

HAVE JUST HAD TO HAVE A WORD WITH NEW NANNY

132 replies

frenziednester · 07/03/2007 18:03

My nanny started work on Sunday and today I was working when I heard her really nagging DS1 to eat his tea, in a very abrasive manner which I was very cross about. We are going through a period of immense change as a family which she has been verbally and foramlly briefed on in her welcome notes, and her contract clearly states what sort of discipline and parenting style I am happy with. I have bent over backwards to make her feel welcome - put a fridge, DVD player, TV and video in her room, bought her a PAYG mobile and initial credit and she even has an hour off in the middle of the day, which I am told is not normally expected. I filled her fridge, took her shopping for food as she said she was a fussy eater and did not like what I was cooking, and I am feeling a little bit put out that she has nto even said a polite thank you - is that unreasonable?

OP posts:
LucyJones · 07/03/2007 20:41

I find it odd that yo're not saying what she said to your ds
Or is that just me

Original poster
frenziednester · 07/03/2007 20:50

Sorry Lucy - not meaning to be mysterious, just typing and reading too quickly. I will certainly tell you, but when it is typed, it loses the tone in which it was said and the frequency and speed all the comments were coming in with. 'eat your tea now. now. stop messing about. eat it now.' (all with protests coming back of 'I am'). 'Don't kick the chair leg. Sit up. Eat with your fork. eat it now. I don't care if you don't like it'. This was repeated over and over again for about 10 mins, until I had had enough and went in and asked her to take a break while I finished off and then I sent the children away while I spoke to her privately. The tone was abrasive, as I have said before, verging on shouting at them.

she hasn't done live in before. She does have good references. I am in germany, which does complicate things a bit - she is English, and has come from a ski season nannying for esprit holidays where she was in charge of the nursery there.

OP posts:
LucyJones · 07/03/2007 20:52

oh yes, I agree that is OTT. Especially as she is new and she must know you can hear her. You would have thought she'd be on her best behaviour.

jeangenie · 07/03/2007 20:55

sounds horrible to me, especially the "I don't care if you don't like it" - "I don't care" being one set of words I try to resist using with my DC in a (probably vain) hope of minimising them being thrown back in my face...

tbh she doesn't sound great to me, but as you say you have a tricky time ahead and do you really want to be sorting out a new nanny in the midst of it all?

I guess all you can do is watch her carefully over next few days, but at the end of the day you have to feel comfortable with her in your house and in charge of your kids, and it doesn't sound to me like she is doing much to ensure you feel that way at the moment

do you have any good fallback options?

shimmy21 · 07/03/2007 20:55

did she react embarrassed that you'd overheard? or did she behave like this was a normal way to deal with kids?

colditz · 07/03/2007 20:56

awful awful awful

My 4 year old would have been devastated if anyone spoke to him like that (probably except me, because he wouldn't be listening anyway, but hey...)

ScottishThistle · 07/03/2007 20:56

So she isn't actually an experienced nanny or live-in then or did she do a lot before the ski-nursery?

Nurseries are very different, especially at ski resorts & if she was the head she's had nobody above her.

Chloe55 · 07/03/2007 20:57

Bloody hell, you sound like you have really gone out of your way for her - I hope she doesn't take you for granted.

ScottishThistle · 07/03/2007 20:58

In 15yrs I can honestly say I've never said "I don't care if you don't like it!"

You would think she would have started off more gentle trying to make friends with the children, I'd be very wary of her tbh.

Eleusis · 07/03/2007 20:58

I think also it should be pointed out that it is probably harder to live in a stranger's house than it is to have a stranger in your house. Has she lived-in before? If not, perhaps it's worth explaining that you prefer to have the living room to yourself. However, I would never dream of telling my nanny to go to her room when she is off duty. Perhaps I'm the odd one, I don't know.

£200 for a full time job, while I very much sypathise with how hard it is to pay that out, is not high market rates (unless you live in India). So, I think probably you should expect to have to do a bit of managing and hand holding for at least a few weeks. I know £200 per week is a lot, but believe you me you could pay a lot more... and many do.

I also think it is somewhat unfair to expet the nanny to have the very same techniques that you have in first few days on the job. As a nanny employer, I think you have to sometimes stand back and let the nanny do the job her way -- within reason of course.

But, mostly, I think you all have a lot on your plate. I think there are lots of stressful things going on all around you. And sacking the nanny while it might make feel better for about ten seconds will most certainly not relieve anyone's stress. Not the nanny's, not your childrens', and certainly not yours. I've been there. I did sack my first nanny. WEll, sort of. She resigned, then I told her it was effective immediately when she started threatening to pack up and leave without notice. But, it wasn't fun and I really hope to never have to do that again.

Enid · 07/03/2007 20:59

get rid of her

Greensleeves · 07/03/2007 20:59

what Enid said

FrannyandZooey · 07/03/2007 21:00

yes

Enid · 07/03/2007 21:00

I think you know that you do have to bin her

Original poster
frenziednester · 07/03/2007 21:01

She is a qualified nanny, who has done live out work, and in the ski resort although she ran the nursery she had a child care head above her. she has 5 years experience in all. i don't really have any other options, so I am trying not to fire from the hip here, and I know DH would be trying to calm me down and look at things from the big picture, but I would rather struggle, and know they boys felt safe and secure (and as colditz says, when I yell at them they kind of roll their eyes and ignore me, or climb onto me and say they love me as they know it gets round me.... don't men learn young)

OP posts:
dingdongjustforyoufg · 07/03/2007 21:02

couldn't bear to put up with someone talking to my kids like that, get rid

Enid · 07/03/2007 21:03

I expect anyone looking after my kids to love them

or at least act as if they do

ssd · 07/03/2007 21:04

oh God sorry but she sounds awful.

I'm a childminder/nanny/babysitter/qualified nursery nurse and mum!! and I'm sorry, she shouldn't be looking after kids, I don't care how much experience she has. Taking care of other parents kids is hard hard work but the bottom line is you have to actually LIKE kids to start with and by the sound of her she DOESN'T. And I thought in your previous post you saying if the kids are driving her mad and she needs a break she's to ask you - sorry but at week one the kids shouldn't be driving her mad, FGS she's only started. I know when kids are driving me mad its time for a break, hence I only childmind 2 days a week, I never get fed up with my mindees as it's fresh every week.

I really don't mean to sound so negative, but I'm shocked at how she thinks she can speak to your little boy like that.

Please please follow your gut instinct on this nanny, surely in your contract she is still following a settling in period when she can be asked to leave immediately/or can leave immediately?

How hard will it be to get someone else at short notice?

ScottishThistle · 07/03/2007 21:05

It isn't easy to live in somebody else's house but Experienced live-in Nannies aren't like Au-Pairs, in general we spend our off duty hours out of the house or in our rooms.

I rarely accompany my Bosses & I've never met a Nanny (especially a new one) who would feel comfortable taking charge of the remote control in the family living area!

Original poster
frenziednester · 07/03/2007 21:06

I know it isn't norland rates or anywhere near, but she literally has no other overheads at all, and certainly has more disposable income that I do. how can i get rid so quickly without violating a contract?

OP posts:
Enid · 07/03/2007 21:08

do you not have a settling in period

Original poster
frenziednester · 07/03/2007 21:08

sorry ssd, just posted before yours came up, I shall go and look at the probation period stuff in the contract

OP posts:
ScottishThistle · 07/03/2007 21:10

As far as I'm concerned the salary has nothing to do with it, whether she's earning £200 or £400pw she should still be civil to the shildren...She's a professional Nanny & I'm sickened when I hear of girls like this in my profession!

fridayschild · 07/03/2007 21:10

does your contract with her not have a trial period? That would be normal, and might help you day to day. You seem to be feeling worse because you have few options? Just a guess.

The trial period might help kick off conversations with her in a kind of "We're 2 weeks into the trial, how is it for you?" sort of way.

I do think nannying in someone's home, especially shared care, is very different from a holiday creche. But she also needs to show you that she can adjust and fit in with the way things are done in your household: this is one of the advantages of having a nanny, things get done your way.

Good luck with her - and also with the family upheaval, it sounds pretty tough on all of you.

ScottishThistle · 07/03/2007 21:11

children! (sorry 'm so angry I can't type!)