Urgh I don't want to go to this wedding

[pinkskyatnight]

Our friends are getting married this Sunday. They are old friends we met them 14 years ago. They moved 6 years ago and we haven't seen the since but keep in touch.

We knew they were getting married as we saw the countdown to the wedding on Facebook. Assumed we weren't invited as we obviously aren't that close anymore. So bought them a card and voucher to send off today.

We were invited to joint stag & hen do but declined because it was a boozey week in Spain and really not our cup of tea.

Yesterday I found out that we have in fact been invited to the wedding. The invitation was sent to our old address by mistake. They do have our new address as we received a card at Xmas.
Obviously we didn't RSVP as we didn't get a invite.

The bride has been in contact yesterday re parking arrangements for their big day. I replied to her that I was confused as we have not been invited.

Despite us not RSVPing they have paid for our meal and are "expecting us to be their" and they will be "disappointed if we don't show up"

I have explained that my husband will be working on Sunday and that it's very short notice. Plus a 2-2.5 hour drive away.

I should of said no we couldn't make it but instead I said I would see what I could do, as she was getting quite upset that we were not going to be there.

I had absolutely no intention of going but told DH late last night what had happened and assumed he would say no way. He doesn't want to go but he thinks we should if we can so is trying to get Sunday off, but won't know until tomorrow.

I bloody well should of kept my mouth closed.
If he can get the day off I'm going to have to arrange child care (it's a child free wedding apart from the bride & grooms children) Dog care and I will have to go into town and get a outfit for myself as I have nothing. Literally nothing apart from jeans (that are bursting at them seems as I have gained weight)

Oh FFS please tell me I am not being unreasonable for not wanting to go.

I agree that you should decline. I've no idea whether they're suddenly low on numbers due to recent drop-outs and you're on the B List due to not having seen them for ages, but I suspect that it's the case - if it felt like more of a genuine mixup between close friends, I'd be suggesting that at least one of you tries to attend to share their day.

If they sent your Christmas card to the new address, they would have sent the invitation to it too.

YANBU.

No way would I be going... especially as DH is also working Sunday... sod that OP...

a police Decline on FB ... and end the issue x

I'm not the bride! Just think that if these people are really the OP's friends, it's weird to start getting all suspicious about their motives like that.

I can see why you dont want to go along - they should have checked your new address before sending off the invites i think.
Be prepared that they wont want to have any thing to do with you though if you dont go - people do get very funny about things like this although none of it is your fault. Its a tricky one - maybe just best to say your dh cant get out of work, nobody to have the kids/ dog etc and just leave it there. cant be helped really- your not being unreasonable, but i bet she wont see it that way i;m afraid.

Well you are hardly close friends now. You haven't seen one another for 6 years ! If they are near enough to travel to their wedding you would have been near enough to travel for a get together at some point over those 6 years if either of you had wanted to.
Just send your apologies.

I wouldn't go either, particularly having decided we'd be uncomfortable attending the stag & hen do's, but I would be curious enough to contact our old address to enquire about missing invitation, and for DH to understand just why you don't want to go at all.

It is possible that people can send a Christmas card to one address and a wedding invitation to another - we are always getting phonecalls for the people who lived here before us (9 years ago) and when I say that they have moved, some of them do say "Oh yes, I knew that, I must have not crossed the old number out". However, I would have been chasing people who hadn't replied before this - or assuming that they hadn't come if they had not RSVP-ed in time. Not your responsibility.

I think you're perfectly within your rights to say "Nope, sorry, couldn't make it work with childcare, work, etc. Hope you have a truly lovely day!".

But I'd be prepared to lose the friendship. You 'keep in touch' but never actually get together. Would it really be that much of a loss?

I'd use all the excuses and pretend you've turned vegan too so her pre-paid dinner ruse would be pointless

Dare I say it? It's an invitation,not a summons!

People are always starving at weddings, someone will happily eat the extra dinners.

I agree, she has probably a few last minute drop outs, and is inviting you to make up the numbers. Just be firm, no sorry we cannot attend, we are busy and it was such short notice.

King, that's so true

Actually I would have paid for those people who hadn't rsvped because if they showed up they wouldn't have been factored in. Since when has it been a bride (or any other host's) job to call those impolie people who don't bother to rsvp.

I know in this case it wasn't the Op being impolite but it would still remain the case that the bride would pay to ensure everyone had a meal in case they did show.

She probably did think it unusual for Op not to reply hence she called.

i too am the type that likes more notice, to have things planned out to the nth degree etc but I think for a wedding I would probably just crack on organise the childcare etc and go and have a good time.

I wouldn't jinx yourself with, oh there's a big etc. Just say you're honoured to have an invite, but at this late stage it's impossible. You'd love to go but it's a long trip, so more notice and you could have sorted everything out.

I don't think you're looking at negatives necessarily, over thinking you were obviously a reserve guest, it's going to cost quite a bit in order to go. Maybe I'm a bit Scrooge like, but I'd send a £10 voucher tops with the card. When I had the massive wedding that cost a fortune, it was £50 a head if not more with arrival drinks etc, one family group had 7 members, we considered them to be well off, we got a £10 voucher, which miffed us slightly, as we accommodated everyone, even step children, not that you monetise amount spent over amount received, it just made us rethink how OTT we went with wedding gifts.

Given that you were an after thought, I wouldn't feel obligated in any way, with attending, the gift and so on.

If anything get a nice bottle of wine or prosecco to toast them at home.

I'm a bit like this with funerals, although obviously I'm ill so it's a big effort, but I do something personal to remember the person, over forcing myself to attend a funeral and wake, which for me would be draining. I always send a bereavement card. I think it's pretty much known that it would be difficult to attend. If we get invited to a wedding then DH and the children will attend if it's someone close, or make it to the evening reception. We've never really had to travel all that far though.

Best of luck, I hope DH calms down a bit.

Sorry due to such short notice, we cannot go as we have other plans. If she goes in a huff, she is not a friend and your well rid.

I want to add I'm pretty sure etiquette wise, a last minute phone call, which to me would be suspicious, about this rogue invitation, especially when they're friends on SM, would not and should not implicate OP has to drop everything to attend.

If you think about it seriously, you invite OP to wedding, OP doesn't RSVP. You drop her a message on SM to confirm attendance. To throw some variables out there, she could be on holiday, someone in the family could have had surgery, they were invited to another event they RSVP'd to, a close family members birthday. You can't assume.

When I had the posh wedding a family RSVP'd then the wife had bad MS, so she went home with her son after the ceremony, returning for the evening. It didn't cross my mind that there were 2 covers down.

It's a shame, but for me, the emphasis seems to be on others attending for whatever reason, when the actual emphasis should be on the couple making a commitment to one another. So it shouldn't matter if a couple can't attend, if you're that friendly they'll enjoy catching up on the photographs at a later date. I doubt this will happen since OP hasn't seen said couple in a long time.

If the bride is that stressed over a couple of covers, which at most is £60/80 lost, far too much emphasis is being put on money over what she should be focussing on. In all fairness, after the big day, how often do you look at all the pictures and in group shots, each and every person? Going oh Dave and Amanda aren't there, their lack of presence in the photo really has an impact.

Ultimately it is an aggressive act to force or coerce someone to attend your wedding. I've had similar happen to me (for different reasons) and its left a sour taste. Not the action of a friend, just rather childish.

In the circumstances it would be unreasonable if you did go.

I wouldn't go. OK, the address might have been a genuine error, but the bride has other methods of contact, and could have contacted OP much sooner.

As you've not actually seen them for 6 years, I'm afraid I'm agreeing with those who think you've been given a call to cover last minute drop-outs.

Your DH is the unreasonable one here, there's no reason why you have to go. There's the work issue, the child and dog care, etc, etc.

Go and try to have a good time. They did think of you and it is always a nice occasion to meet people, and the effort will be worth it.

Life's too short to be doing things you don't want to do and worrying. If they sent you a Christmas card to your new address, then it's their fault for sending invite to the old one PLUS most normal people replace an old address with a new , you don't keep both. I wouldn't mention you can only come if you bring kids and dog ( what if she says that's ok)!! Just say husband has to work and send card and voucher. Don't answer the phone to her again until Monday when it's all over !!

It sounds really suspicious to me! No one would have left it that late to check when you hadn't rsvp'ed! I think they've had guests pull out and are trying to fill the gaps. For a wedding that far away I'd probably be staying overnight so it's a ridiculous expectation. However, it could be fun. If you're desperate for an outfit, throw yourself on the mercy of FB. Either friends or the local FB page. I've lent stuff to complete strangers in need.

DH has managed to get the day off on Sunday.

He really thinks we should go, he's not one for weddings but I think he doesn't want to look bad.

I still really don't want to go, but have put arrangements in place incase we do.

We are going to discuss it this evening.

Go out for a child free day together and enjoy it. Don't think you will be missed at the wedding - not your fault she 'assumed'. If she had really sent your invite to your old address, she would have been in touch sooner than this about your lack of RSVP.