Urgh I don't want to go to this wedding

[pinkskyatnight]

Our friends are getting married this Sunday. They are old friends we met them 14 years ago. They moved 6 years ago and we haven't seen the since but keep in touch.

We knew they were getting married as we saw the countdown to the wedding on Facebook. Assumed we weren't invited as we obviously aren't that close anymore. So bought them a card and voucher to send off today.

We were invited to joint stag & hen do but declined because it was a boozey week in Spain and really not our cup of tea.

Yesterday I found out that we have in fact been invited to the wedding. The invitation was sent to our old address by mistake. They do have our new address as we received a card at Xmas.
Obviously we didn't RSVP as we didn't get a invite.

The bride has been in contact yesterday re parking arrangements for their big day. I replied to her that I was confused as we have not been invited.

Despite us not RSVPing they have paid for our meal and are "expecting us to be their" and they will be "disappointed if we don't show up"

I have explained that my husband will be working on Sunday and that it's very short notice. Plus a 2-2.5 hour drive away.

I should of said no we couldn't make it but instead I said I would see what I could do, as she was getting quite upset that we were not going to be there.

I had absolutely no intention of going but told DH late last night what had happened and assumed he would say no way. He doesn't want to go but he thinks we should if we can so is trying to get Sunday off, but won't know until tomorrow.

I bloody well should of kept my mouth closed.
If he can get the day off I'm going to have to arrange child care (it's a child free wedding apart from the bride & grooms children) Dog care and I will have to go into town and get a outfit for myself as I have nothing. Literally nothing apart from jeans (that are bursting at them seems as I have gained weight)

Oh FFS please tell me I am not being unreasonable for not wanting to go.

I think Emily's hit the nail on the head. And if they'd been up front about it fair enough, no harm in asking if you want to come. If they can get the Xmas card address right, there's no way the wedding one wasn't. I don't know about you but I would take a lot more care to check the wedding addresses.

I approached a couple of day guests about bringing a plus one (new partners since invites went out) when we had last minute drop outs, but I was up front about why.

Polite no, you can't make it at such short notice. It will cost you lots, inconvenience you and be awkward as you suspect they are lying.

People seem to think that they can order others about when they are getting married. a girl i went to school with, who ive seen twice in the 10 years since leaving, has DEMANDED my new address so she could send me a wedding invitation. I told her as politely as I could that I wished her a lovely day, and how exciting that shes getting married, but I am unavailable on that day.

You're on the B list and someone else has dropped out

don;t think about it, just say no
thing is I think it's quite possible they sent the invite to the wrong address - some numpty did this to me with a christening and got the rage about it when I found out 2 days before and couldn't travel 4 hours round trip to get there.

but this "paying for meals" etc - so what, there'll be a couple of spare meals if they can't fill the seat. People who set up their weddings so that they are going to have kittens if someone doesn't turn up to eat overpriced chicken don't need your sympathy.

also you haven't seen them for 6 years. Just say firmly "we can't attend at this short notice, have a lovely day" and forget about it. They might be gift fishing I guess? Also it's my experience that people you barely know will always say "oh I will be so sad if you aren't at my wedding". They won't really notice.

No

Well I think YAB completely U. They're friends you've known for years and years. They invited you to their stag and hen dos. You care enough about them to send them a gift even though you thought you hadn't been invited. Of course you should go to their wedding if you can. I don't know why there's any need to be so sceptical about them having sent the invitation to your old address. Seems much more plausible than any of the other explanations that people have come up with.

Simple one - kids come down with an awful virus tomorrow so there's no way you can leave them. If they have sent a christmas card to your new address, then they know where you live. Why go to all that expense and hassle for someone you've not seen in 6 years!!!

On what planet would you assume that a non-RSVP meant 'yes, I'm definitely attending, please purchase my food'?!

I call BS as well. They've obviously had people drop out due them arranging a child-free wedding in Easter holidays. If you received their Xmas card, it's unlikely they sent the invite to the wrong place - plus they obviously managed to somehow invite them you to the stag/hen dos.

Just tell them it's too short notice at this stage and wish them well.

Honestly I think once the day is in swing your absence won't be missed. I fretted about a few non attendants prior to my wedding but on the day you're so caught up. Especially if it's friends you haven't seen for such a long time. Send your apologies.

I think it's odd to invite someone to a hen/stag do but not the wedding. I've seen a thread about couples doing just that but I don't think it's very common. Perhaps they did send it to the wrong address and if they're not terribly organised, it is plausible they didn't chase you. However if this is the case, they made both mistakes so they need to own them. If you really don't want to go, don't.

Jellytussle are you the bride? If so, invite mess up not plausible, sorry.

Despite us not RSVPing they have paid for our meal and are "expecting us to be their" and they will be "disappointed if we don't show up"

If you haven't rsvp'd as you didn't get an invite, that's their daft fault for not checking you were coming earlier! Surely they should have chased up replies and found out who could come before paying for everyone.
What happens if you genuinely can't go?! Less than a week's notice is nothing, you could have been busy. They maybe disappointed you can't go, but they've got no-one to blame but themselves really.

Wise, wise words from Emily.

Cheese "What happens if you genuinely can't go?!"

AFAIC they genuinely can't go - 3 days notice, one person rosta'd on for work, childcare, dog care. To me that totally = genuinely can't go.

So you are FB friends, so even if the card had gone to the wrong address she had the means to contact you for a response?

If you say no, she'll find someone else off the B list no doubt!

Yes, such a shame but can't possibly at this notice, and leave it there.

I very much doubt the bride will notice much either way, on the day. Just try to stay out of her viewfinder while she is stressing in the run-up. Light touch, no long explanations that she can focus on and pick apart.

If the bride really wanted the OP there, she would have been in touch before now!

Well if you cant go, don't. They cant get that upset over it. If there was a invite mix up they should have picked up on it sooner.

But if you can make it work, go.

I don't understand the attitude to weddings o here, like it's a shit obligation. Weddings are fun. I've had some amazing times at weddings. Lots of nice food and drink. Dancing. Catching up with people I don't get to see as often as I'd like. Meeting some new people, drunken chats with a cousin at the buffet table. It's hardly a chore.

Jellytussle has to be the bride . I agree with the other 99.99% of posters - if they sent your Christmas card to your new address, no way would they send invitation to your old one.

A simple thanks but no thanks - not possible due to DH working, arranging child/dog care not possible should suffice.

but this "paying for meals" etc - so what, there'll be a couple of spare meals if they can't fill the seat. People who set up their weddings so that they are going to have kittens if someone doesn't turn up to eat overpriced chicken don't need your sympathy

Disagree - pretty much every wedding incurs a cost per head. RSVPing yes and then not going without a good reason is shameful behaviour. Point here is that the OP didn't RSVP. If she had, and was trying to cry off last minute, I'd have every sympathy with the couple being narked about the wasted 'overpriced chicken'.

fruitbrew- I totally agree, I love them! But OP doesn't want to go.

sonaya "RSVPing yes and then not going without a good reason is shameful behaviour. "

oh absolutely! I meant that that as the couple never had an RSVP they cant get annoyed. Plus I have known a couple of horrible people complain (loudly and at the actual wedding) when last minute illness has prevented guests attending and I think that's really mean. If you RSVP and just don't go, that's totally rude but nothing to do with what is happening here.

Good old Emily.

No way would I go, it sounds like an afterthought because others have dropped out.
She knew your new address so that's no excuse.
YANBU.

Absolutely don't go. Send the card and voucher as you'd intended with a note explaining you can't get child and dog care and your husband is working. Wish them well and leave it at that.

Don't go if you don't want to - you've already paved the way for a no-show by explaining your DH has to work.

And don't feel guilty about the meals - they are NOTHING to do with you.