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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

715 replies

LaLaCascada · 29/03/2017 21:06

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

OP posts:
MyPerfectCousin · 02/04/2017 06:07

Some of these "complex relationship" and "don't owe my parents anything" posters will already be aware that they have been disinherited anyway. So inheritance isn't a consideration.

This is the point about these more difficult relationships. They do not reflect normal close familial relationships in any way.

xStefx · 02/04/2017 06:30

I would have cleaned it up but knowing my mum she would have said to me as soon as the car was parked " run in and get me something to clean this up with love"
Op had given her chance to clean it, she had put the shopping away and made a beverage for her mum before she asked her to clean the seat.
Op lives away, so once is not something to make a fuss over I agree. However, if OP had lived closer to her mum and if this was a regular occurrence then of course I would be making her clean it up. It's an awful thing to live with , I have an awful bladder now at 33 so god help me. But if this lady's mum has an issue she needs to wear the Correct pads / adult nappies or make sure she managed it by going in sainsburys before she left if it's a possibility she may wet herself In someone's car. I can understand why op gets annoyed at the mum not managing her condition the right way . My dad is terrible and won't go to the doctor but makes us hear his moaning alllllll the time about his issues ( refuses to see a doctor) so yes me and my brother have lost our patience slightly . I would have cleaned it up, yes! But I also get ops point. Some of the personal comments aimed at op are horrible , shows more about the people saying them though really as op has clearly expressed she feels bad. Have none of us ever been in a mood?

Mrsgingermum · 02/04/2017 07:45

There are specialist continence nurses who will behave to help. There is medication that can cure this. As for making a song and dance about cleaning it up, I think this was mean. X

LouKout · 02/04/2017 07:47

Spring it says a lot about you that you project that on to people.

LouKout · 02/04/2017 07:48

Umless just trying to be mean as usual

Mrsgingermum · 02/04/2017 07:49

I also urge anyone who leaks at all to ask your go to refer you to your local continence service. No one should have to put up with leaking urine. It makes me angry when I see tend adverts on the television making out it is to be expected. I work in this area of nursing and can confirm that it is totally treatable. Everyone should be able to sneeze or jump on a trampoline without problems. It's an nus service.

randomer · 02/04/2017 10:13

if you have been on the receiving end of abuse, you feel differently about your parents.

I would be kind to them and help them but sometimes the relationship is far more complex.

I don't care about inheritance money.

Buck3t · 02/04/2017 18:19

Springflowers in my family we don't fight over what's dead and left. A bit crass to even mention that I would have thought.

GogoGobo · 02/04/2017 19:14

OP - are you my SIL? She treats her DM with total disdain and tells her off all the time for "irritating her/getting under her feet" etc.
I can only imagine she will be just like you when her mums health begins to fail

straighttalker · 04/04/2017 14:11

27 pages, and I have no need to say this at all because I'm sure many others have said it more eloquently.

But I'm going to say it anyway.

What fucking awful behaviour from you OP. In the context of the limited info you've given about yourself, you are a repulsive person.
You humiliated your mother because she'd soiled your precious car.

I can occasionally be self-centred and detached from my own mother but you've shocked me.

WTAF.

WhataHexIgotinto · 04/04/2017 14:14

Jesus. Of course I would have cleaned the seat for my mum.

Greenkit · 04/04/2017 14:14

So basically you humiliated her. For what reason? Are you under the impression she did it for fun?

from the first page This

You sound mean

LouKout · 04/04/2017 14:14

FFS

LouKout · 04/04/2017 14:15

Give up already

MyheartbelongstoG · 04/04/2017 14:18

You sound like a right bitch to be honest.

How cruel to make your mother do it.

I hope old age is kinder to you.

Fuck, I'm gobsmacked.

scottishdiem · 04/04/2017 14:21

I'd have done the same. Precisely because as a grown woman able to make her own decisions and deal with the consequences.

She has opted not to tell a doctor. She has opted not to make adjustments like pads or appropriate underwear. She knows this is a possibility yet has not done anything to mitigate the potential for embarrassment and accidents.

This is not like a baby who hasn't a clue was going to the toilet actually means.

Hopefully this will now prompt some long overdue action.

smileymam · 04/04/2017 14:32

My mother has similar problems, there is no way I would instruct my mother and watch her clean up. I would be insistent on doing it myself. You disgust me. I hope your children treat you with the same disregard in your elderly years.

WhataHexIgotinto · 04/04/2017 14:47

Hopefully this will now prompt some long overdue action.

Yes, let's hope it's taught the old dear a lesson eh? FFS

Sprungout · 04/04/2017 14:55

How horrible you have been. She was shocked and embarrassed and you treated her worse than a puppy.
Clean it up yourself with minimum fuss. Gently have a conversation about disposable knickers or pads - even buy her some next time you are at the supermarket (in the Sanpro section) and encourage her to visit the doctors if it seems like the right thing to do at the time or later.
I had an elderly mum and I know how humiliating she found this. As with kids throwing up or teenage period accidents- sort it quickly and with minimum fuss. And a bit of TLC for the person who experienced it if they need it.

Buglife · 04/04/2017 14:57

scottish she WAS wearing a Tena pad. It flooded.

OP, this thread and your OP has given me a sick feeling in my stomach. I'm imagining my mum in this situation in 10 years and it breaks my heart. How could anyone act like this and humiliate their mother. And saying she doesn't get sympathy for her health problems because they are 'her fault'. Really wish I hadn't read this, it's really depressing and I just keep thinking how hurt and let down she must have felt.

Sprungout · 04/04/2017 15:04

If you were concerned about sitting for a long time in the same seat next day, nip out to boots for a maternity mat or similar. Pop it or a plastic bag on the seat and put a tshirt over it. And shut the fuck up about it and get it valeted when you can.

Sprungout · 04/04/2017 15:05

And apologise to your Mum for mishandling it.

BartholinsSister · 04/04/2017 15:08

Imagine reading this thread back when she has gone.

kali110 · 04/04/2017 16:30

Look the op disappeared pages and pages ago.
I don't agree with what she did but stovking the boot in is pointless.

scottishdiem did you miss the part where op says she is wearing a pad but has flooded it? Hmm

JonStark · 04/04/2017 16:42

I'm pretty shocked that someone would not offer to clean up if they accidentally pissed in someone's car. The OP's mum is 70, not 90. I can't even begin to imagine my mum accidentally doing this and not offering to clean it or pay for it to be cleaned, and she is older than the OP's mum. Really bizarre.

If you're that embarrassed about something like this, surely your first thought would be to get it sorted out for the other person?