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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

715 replies

LaLaCascada · 29/03/2017 21:06

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

OP posts:
Falafelings · 30/03/2017 23:13

she's only 70, not 100. Of course she should clear up her own wee.

PennyPickle · 30/03/2017 23:18

Meh! My dad is 92 and has alzheimers. No way would I expect him to clean up his own mess in the car. Your poor mum :(

Doyouwantabrew · 30/03/2017 23:19

pacific I get your planning and my dm did the same but when altzimers kicks in and you see your mum basically left in piss and shit in a very expensive care home you tend to bring her home Sad

IloveBanff · 30/03/2017 23:23

PennyPickle "My dad is 92 and has alzheimers"

What's that got to do with it? The OP's mother is 70 and hasn't got Alzheimers.

Lulabell1979 · 30/03/2017 23:24

YANBU.
And now hopefully she will get some help.

OhGreatnotu · 30/03/2017 23:24

Ummm wait a minute? You got your own toddler to clean up her shit? What a disgrace!

PennyPickle · 30/03/2017 23:33

What's that got to do with it? The OP's mother is 70 and hasn't got Alzheimers

But she obviously has a bladder problem as is associated with being "normal" for an OAP? Are you for real? Or just a young person who has not yet encountered the problems associated with older parents??

avamiah · 30/03/2017 23:37

I'm lost for words on this one and I'm a regular on MN.
Just when you think nothing could shock you anymore.
This did.

2017SoFarSoGood · 31/03/2017 00:42

I have been thinking about this thread all day.

Those who have said that most 70 year olds would be able to clean up after themselves are right. Most of us would rush to do so, and be mortified that someone - anyone, including our DC - had to assist. We do not know that OPs mother did not intend to do so, only that the DD made her do so. We don't know her intentions. Just what the DD told us. She may have been catching her breath (with her hot beverage) before doing so.

I'm still upset for that mum. You don't even have to like someone to be a little nicer than that.

LagunaBubbles · 31/03/2017 00:46

I'm more shocked that there are a few people agreeing with OP! Really sad.

OhGreatnotu · 31/03/2017 01:00

I personally find it more disgusting that she made her poor toddler to clean up her poo, Op you should be ashamed of yourself.

BlackeyedSusan · 31/03/2017 07:57

the mum needs to take responsibility for herself. there are products out there that catch wee. she could use those. she could have sought medical help. (physio) there are posters/adverts all over the place suggesting that there is a solution to this.

op did help. she provided the stuff. I would have made my mum clean it up too.

motherinferior · 31/03/2017 08:30

She got her toddler to clean up after a poo-painting incident. But do go on demonising her. Putting the boot in is obviously making some people feel good.

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/03/2017 08:41

YABU. She's not a potty training toddler rebelling for attention. You should have cleaned the car seat.

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/03/2017 08:41

YABU. She's not a potty training toddler rebelling for attention. You should have cleaned the car seat.

motherinferior · 31/03/2017 08:48

The thing is, the vitriol on MN is usually directed towards older people. Often really nastily - I do wonder what people would have said if this had been a MIL.

But because it's a mother the OP is excoriated and told that she's got a lifelong debt she never asked for in the first place. 'How can you do this to your mother' etc etc.

I quite possibly would have cleared up, as resentfully as I did stuff for my own mother - but I would have been extremely taken aback if she hadn't offered to do it. And perhaps if some of the more vitriolic posters would re-read the point in the OP where she says her mother refuses to go to the specialists they might get a bit more context (though they won't, of course, they'll just go on having a whale of a time piling in on her).

dowhatnow · 31/03/2017 09:01

Have not RTFT but I think saying that she is an old woman at 70 is doing most 70 year olds a disservice. 70 is not particularly old. I think the key question is whether you would expect a younger friend to clear up an accident. Obviously I would therefore I would expect my 70 year old mother to do the same - although it wouldn't be an issue as my DM is sensible and responsible so would do it off her own back.

HemiDemiSemiquaver · 31/03/2017 09:04

it's not "how can you make your mother clean it up", though, but "how can you treat her that way/talk to her like that/humiliate her". It's not the actual cleaning - I wouldn't have been hugely keen on that either, and I'm sure most people would rather their mum did it herself, either then or later - it's the way she was told to do it, the lack of sympathy, the humiliation of the op standing there watching her like a naughty pupil. That's what's upset people, the humiliation and patronising side of it.

Not that the OP should expect to clean up after her mother as a matter of course, now or always.

There are lots of reasons for not being able to face seeing the doctors, and several people have described clearly how they find it too embarrassing, have been dismissed, have already tried everything the doctors and physio would be suggesting, don't know what to say, are frightened, etc etc. It's not simply "not bothering". It's hugely unpleasant to have this problem, and there is almost certainly a reason why someone isn't going to the doctor than simply not caring. Finding out what that reason might be would be a more helpful step. I think most people understand the frustration that comes from her not seeking help, and how angry that could make the OP (though she doesn't say she has had to regularly clean car seats etc, only this time). But punishing her mum as a way to make her see this doesn't seem a kind way to go about it.

I'm half the age, and hate having the problem, and don't dare go back to the GP again and have run out of money to continue with the private physio. It's humiliating and I worry a lot about how disgusting people seem to find it, and will find me when I'm old and it happens even more.

It's awful to think that maybe the doctor won't/can't help, and then the mum knows what her daughter thinks of it all now, thinks of her. That's got to hurt. Maybe not seeing the doctor keeps her thinking that maybe there's still something that can be done. Maybe she's afraid that it can't. Maybe she is deep down worried about dementia or aging or loss of control or whatever. There are lots of reasons. And helping her see what they are and that maybe someone could help would be more effective than humiliating her so much that she only goes because of that, not because having to clean it up herself has suddenly given her some big insight that it's not very nice to do. I expect she does it quite often.

Yes I think she probably should have offered to clean it up, but might well not have had the chance. Maybe she was reacting to the way she was being treated and told to do it. Maybe she didnt' really know what to do to clean a car seat effectively - I'm not sure I would, and others here have said they don't. Especially a hire car in someone else's name, I'd want to know what they wanted done. But we might have had a conversation at some point, once I was a little less embarrassed.

ChishandFips33 · 31/03/2017 09:14

I think the fact it happened might have been the push to get your mum to a GP - I think the cleaning it up was a step too far

As an aside does she wear the 'pull em up' Tena pants rather than the pads - they hold an amazing amount!

floraeasy · 31/03/2017 09:21

Just out of interest, if your mother had fainted and had wet herself (it's not uncommon for this to happen during a faint) would you have waited until she had come round and passed her a cloth?

Or is the issue that she hasn't gone to the doctor about this problem as quickly as you would have liked?

Falafelings · 31/03/2017 09:26

Most 70 year olds I know are no different to 65 year olds I know. Most have the odd health issue but completely take care of themselves. They keep mobile by staying mobile. I know one 70 year old who is crippled with arthritis and needs support for mobility but this sounds nothing like OPs mother

MumBod · 31/03/2017 09:37

This had upset me a bit. I think you were really rotten to your mum, OP.

randomer · 31/03/2017 10:02

how can people be upset and crying over something which basically has nothing to do with them?

FairytalesAreBullshit · 31/03/2017 10:22

I just think we should show humility to others, I doubt the woman thought bugger hanging on I'm going to void my bladder now for her inconvenience. Imagine how horrified she must have felt, to effectively have her daughter treat her like a kitten or puppy being toilet trained. To me OP may as well have rubbed her face in the wet seat. God forbid anyone vomits in her shiny hired car. I dread to think of the punishment. At the end of the day that's what this was.

Any person with an ounce of empathy in their body would have gone and dealt with it, whilst the person affected was getting changed. How unhinged do you have to be to think, right, wait till she gets downstairs. If I was her Mother, I would be really upset and also quite scared about my health or mental state declining further.

MumBod · 31/03/2017 10:22

Empathy?