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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make my mother clean up her own accident?

715 replies

LaLaCascada · 29/03/2017 21:06

For many years my Mum has had a bit of a problem with sudden urge to wee. She's 70 and has given birth twice. She hates going to the doctor and has always suffered a variety of ailments about which there is much moaning and zero action.

During a recent visit to my parents I was driving my mum home from Sainsbury's in a rather nice rented car. It's only about a mile but there was a bit of school traffic so we had to sit a few minutes - about 1 song on the radio so definitely less than 5 mins- and she started panicking and saying get me home I really need the loo. I said hang on, it's only two more turns, keep calm and look the traffic is moving now, she snapped it's too late, I've wet meself. and then went silent.

Back at her house she went straight to the bathroom and sorted herself out while I unpacked the shopping and put the kettle on. When she came out I said have a coffee and where's some stuff to clean the car.

Then I said come on and she made a big show with getting her walking stick and hobbling to the car parked on the drive - 20 steps?- as I followed with the kitchen roll and keys. I unlocked the car and waited a moment and when she didn't respond I said clean the seat please which she did do but with a lot of huff and puff. My dad and husband and daughter were there and noticed us going out to the car but I just said we had to get something. Then we carried on the evening like normal. DH noticed things were a bit off but just assumed a little disagreement had happened.

At no point was I rude or shouty or anything. I was a bit cheesed off because we had a long journey the next day which meant I would sit there when DH was driving but it wasn't like she puked or poohed.

I spent the night researching because I care and don't want my mum to live like this and did encourage Mum to make a doctor's appointment and she is now getting some help that made her worse at first but she now is improving a bit. I haven't said anything about it until now so as not to embarrass my mum. HOWEVER there has been a certain chill since it happened. It hasn't been mentioned except to say the doctor knows about it and the making of various follow up appointments.

So, was I being unreasonable to expect her to clean up her own urine?

OP posts:
DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 29/03/2017 22:43

I cleaned the carpet when DM had an accident owing to her brain metastases interfering with her full bladder signal. Neither of us were overthrilled, but I did because I'm not a...Well, I'd get banhammered if I used the language that first springs to mind.

tiptoeingpixie · 29/03/2017 22:43

There is a lot of vitriol but I won't ask for deletion partly because there is some really good advice here that there are solutions for people who are suffering similar problems. And I know I didn't make an evil plan to destroy a poor old lady. The opinions expressed certainly have me reviewing my entire life.

Can I ask if you still feel justified in what you did OP? I have no idea your relationship with your mother, I've based my opinion on mine with my mother.

HemiDemiSemiquaver · 29/03/2017 22:43

It's the following her out with kitchen roll and standing over her and telling her to do it that bothers me most. Not just asking her, leaving her to get on with it, etc - it sounds so like a mean teacher, school matron, or something punishing a child.

I'm sure it wasn't done with those intentions, but that's what it would have felt like to me.

It's a huge thing for some people to see a GP about such a problem, and there's so little that seems to be available to help for some problems like mine, so I can well see myself being like this when I'm older, not being able to do anythign about it, knowing that there's nothing that will really help, but embarrassed because everyone thinks it should be sortable and that I'm just being difficult by not doing it. I've met that attitude already, and I'm so much younger that her.

doubleshotespresso · 29/03/2017 22:43

This is the saddest and most shocking thread I have ever read here OP. Whatever your intention, believe me YABVunbeliveablyU.

You stated upthread your parents live quite far away and you worry about them greatly. If this is the case I think you need to go )like tomorrow) and apologise profusely and let her know that help is always there.... Your poor mother must be feeling horrendous, you need to fix this you really do.

2017SoFarSoGood · 29/03/2017 22:44

Thanks OP. I am doing my pelvic exercises whilst tears drip from my chin. Just thanks!

Something about the way you told your story really got to me. Please come back and tell us that you have made up for it?

5OBalesofHay · 29/03/2017 22:44

You were horrid to your mum. I hope you piss yourself

MollyHuaCha · 29/03/2017 22:44

I would have cleaned it up out of kindness. How sad - she must have really felt stupid, old and worthless... Sad

Bleu2 · 29/03/2017 22:45

wayfaring

Don't make assumptions re walking sticks and being infirm.

The two situations are not always intrinsically linked.

Gazelda · 29/03/2017 22:45

OP, I think it would do you both good if you go visit, take her out for a bit (just the two of you) and apologise for what happened. Tell her you've been worried, that you care, and that you've hard seeing her virtually housebound for so long. Tell her you regret what happened, but that you're glad she is getting treatment which will hopefully give her a new lease of life. Tell her you love her, hug her.
Don't let this fester and become a constant unhappiness between you. Open up, make her feel loved and less as though she's an embarrassment to you.

Butteredparsnip1ps · 29/03/2017 22:45

BTW way if your Mum is experiencing flooding, this is probably beyond being an issue with her pelvic floor.

Could she ask GP for a referral to a continence nurse, if there is one in her area. She needs a professional who has time to take a proper history and advise on strategies to try.

GP - may wish to investigate first of course, and may think a urology referral is more appropriate.

BaldricksTrousers · 29/03/2017 22:46

"OP's mother is not a patient. She is described as having full mental capacity and, apart from the walking stick, there is no mention of being registered disabled."

A lot of people with carers have full mental capacity as well....
In fact incontinence is a big reason why people need care.....

herethereandeverywhere · 29/03/2017 22:46

I'm struggling to see why everyone is so emotional. It was wee that needed cleaning up. Confused

user1488397138 · 29/03/2017 22:46

Made a big show of getting her stick?? That's one of the very worst things I've read on MN op Sad

SookiesSocks · 29/03/2017 22:46

Blue it is not a false comparison. Abuse is abuse that does not change just because the person doing it is unpaid. That is not how abuse is defined.

The OP took away her mothers dignity. Why would doing that to another person be ok?

DancingDragon · 29/03/2017 22:47
Sad
TuftyFinchy · 29/03/2017 22:47

Fast forward to being your mother's age.
Your daughter treats you the same way.
How would you feel?
I'm guessing you'd feel pretty shit. Sad. Lonely. Old. Despairing that your daughter treated you this way, despite doing your best for her as your mother.
You didn't intentionally set out to be mean, but you were and, if I were you, I'd apologise and try and help your mother address the issue - in a sensitive, kind and empathetic way.
If my mother were still alive I would never, in a million years, have done that. It was degrading and humiliating.

Original poster
LaLaCascada · 29/03/2017 22:48

Those who say I should make it up to her, how? (Somebody said "hug her" but there are no hugs in this family.)

She used to rub my cat's nose in puddles and poohs. And shout. I did neither in this incident. My longhair cats are frequent pukers and the vet is very helpful and I just clean up theirs. When DD was a toddler there was a pooh painting incident and I did insist she wiped it all up (then I did a proper job after she went for her nap) and she did not repeat it. I'm not really a shouty carryon type person. I do pelvic floor exercises like crazy. Oh and my mum was an NHS auxiliary for decades so bodies and unexpected leaks aren't that freaking embarrassing.

OP posts:
FeralBeryl · 29/03/2017 22:50

Like others I imagine, I have tears in my eyes reading your OP and trying to imagine the humiliation your mum felt both during the incident and the car journey the following day where she was probably equally horrified.

To lose control of something so fundamental as a bodily function is beyond mortifying, at the generation your mum is at-magnify that by 100.

The one person who should champion her (and her often ill thought out choices) through this, knew she'd taken precautions and still chose to not handle this more sensitively?
My DM and DH get on fabulously, but if she was your DM I don't think she would be able to see him again for a long time if she thought he'd been privy to what happened too.

Do you have DDs? If they suffered a similar problem with heavy menstruation and didn't see a doctor - would you have treated them similarly?
Is there a massive backstory?

SookiesSocks · 29/03/2017 22:50

Your mother is not a cat Hmm

amberdillyduck · 29/03/2017 22:50

I made Mum a hot beverage

Nobody would write beverage in real life. You must be a wee troll from outside the UK.

If not then you are unbelievably selfish.

Her pelvic floor is probably damaged because she had children.And everyone saying it can be addressed- that is quite a naive view as in the end it isn't always possible to sort incontinence out even after multiple surgeries.

Bleu2 · 29/03/2017 22:51

lot of people with carers have full mental capacity as well....
In fact incontinence is a big reason why people need care.....

This is true Baldrick, but nevertheless the OP hasn't stated anywhere that her mother receives care/ has a career for such issues. Therefore, going off the OP's information, the mother does not fall into the category.

doubleshotespresso · 29/03/2017 22:51

•herethereandeverywhere*
*I'm struggling to see why everyone is so emotional. It was wee that needed cleaning up. confused•

Because it read to me like one of the most inhumane/un-Christian acts I have ever read about, never mind between elderly mother and daughter.

HoldBackTheRain · 29/03/2017 22:52

Fuck me OP I take it back. I didn't want to upset you, now I'm not fussed if this does or not.

She used to rub my cat's nose in puddles and poohs. And shout. I did neither in this incident.

I would think not. Should we all be grateful that you didn't rub your mums nose in her own urine?

There are no words except I despair.

BaldricksTrousers · 29/03/2017 22:52

You can't possibly compare how to respond to your mother based on how she treated your cat when it had an accident.

And she hardly painted with poo ffs, she had a urine accident.

Even if she worked for the NHS and has seen it all, it doesn't make it any less embarrassing when it happens to her. Maybe you should talk to her about it instead of assuming.

amberdillyduck · 29/03/2017 22:52

I do pelvic floor exercises like crazy.

Good for you. They will make no difference at all if you have a prolapse or similar which can cause incontinence.

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