Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

grand-parenting

136 replies

strawberrychunk · 29/03/2017 10:14

AIBU to be furious at my parents?
quick back story:
I have 7year old twins boys, my parents should pick up from school and keep for an hour or 2 around twice a weeks. My parents have no concept of healthy living and we regularly butt heads over them giving kids sweets, biscuits etc.
Back to now:
Now one twins' behaviour at school has become difficult to manage (fiddling/disturbing others/lack of focus etc)he is on report and school are talking about isolating or excluding him. I suspect ADHD, but dont want a diagnosis so am desperately looking ways to manage these 'symptoms'/ behaviours. I decided to try him on gluten/additive/preservative and colouring - free diet for a while to see if it helps as they are known causes. Told mum and Dad, asked them to not give sweets/biscuits etc just stick to natural ie fruit, veg whatever- I dont even think they need to give food as theyre only there for an hour or 2 max. Anyway, we all had a big discussion about it and agreed they would not give 'junk' anymore.
Fast-forward to today;
Just spoke to Dad on phone who said 'oh yes, forgot to tell you gave him Pizza last night' ...I asked why? to which he huffed and replied 'It's fine, it was pizza Hut'...so i explain AGAIN about gluten, additives etc then he says 'alright, alright!' in a stop being so silly tone and then rememberz 'Oh and a biscuit', I said but I thought we weren't doing that anymore, he says ' it's fine- they were Oreos' FFS!I would laugh if I weren't so pissed off by it! AIBU????

OP posts:

Carolinesbeanies · 29/03/2017 15:52

' there's a few of them out today isn't there!? must be a full moon '

OP, youve posted in an aibu forum. The fact you then are having difficulty in accepting anyones view that you ARE unreasonable, is quite bemusing. You persistantly keep repeating you dont have a naughty child, just a fidgety one. Well that fidgety child is about to get expelled. Youre looking everywhere else except at the issue, but finding validation that someone once had a shit teacher, or someone once cured cancer through carrot juice, isnt addressing the issue.

The vast majority of teachers are well aware of adhd, dyspraxia, dyslexia etc and any number of signs and signals of potential abuse at home. If they are flagging potential expulsion to you, its time you listened to them. This is their last resort. You on the other hand appear to be just investigating your first 'resorts'. Has it taken school this long to get through to you? Theyve not gone from zero to expulsion in a month.

If you have any medical concerns, get him seen urgently, but the clocks ticking.

Original poster

strawberrychunk · 29/03/2017 15:58

Who's opinion have I had trouble accepting? I have been very gratefull for many of the opinions today! I did not ask for anyone's view of my child , the OP related to GPs ignoring parents wishes if you recall. I do, however, find the informed opinion of most of the posters here useful and have thanked many people today for that. Yours and a couple of others however was just rudeness and totally unhelpful. I don't feel you were trying to be of any help but rather just finding joy in someone else's dillema.

OP posts:

Original poster

strawberrychunk · 29/03/2017 16:02

and @carolinesbeanies I wasn't the only person to point out your rudeness either but hey ho, that may be your way

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 29/03/2017 16:24

Sometimes people hear what they wish to hear. I thought Carolinesbeanies post was very reasonable.

CaseyAtTheBat · 29/03/2017 16:32

You've only been grateful for the ones that agreed with you actually.

If your child is on the verge of being expelled, I can't imagine why you would be focusing on the grandparents giving them a slice of pizza. Surely you have bigger concerns?
And that is what grandparents are for, anyway!

InvisibleKittenAttack · 29/03/2017 16:40

Wow you've had a kicking!

OP - if you would like to try limiting diet so you see if that helps, then as you know your parents aren't going to enable that, you'll also have to limit their time with your dcs.

Not ideal, but frankly if you don't need the childcare it is supposed to be for your dcs benefit, and this sounds like it's really not in their best interests until you've ruled out diet issues.

Explain to your parents why you are cancelling them having time with your dcs without you there - invite them to spend time with the dcs at your house while you are there too so you can ensure diet rules are kept to for the timeframe you are trying to limit certain items.

Frankly they can't be trusted to follow your rules so they don't get their dgc alone. They want time alone with the dgc, they follow your rules. It's simple.

Original poster

strawberrychunk · 29/03/2017 17:37

you have no idea what you are talking about when you comment outside the boundaries of what little back story I gave which was very small as it WASN'T the focus of this post! You do not know my child, his teacher, the school, me or anything else except what limited info I posted! Also there were many posts that told me to 1) get him diagnosed/ referred 2) not to exclude certain foods 3) not to blame parents....they weren't a problem! I don't need people to agree with me, if I did this would not be the place to post! I don't however expect to recieve rude, spiteful or abusive posts! luckily there were only 3 nasty posters out of many. Telling me 2 of them agree with each other is hardly the shock of the century, nor does it make them right! your bad mannered posts and ignorant comments and judgemental criticisms are sadly what is wrong with society.....glad to see its a minority.

OP posts:

Trifleorbust · 29/03/2017 17:51

This is AIBU, OP. You WILL get dissenting views. You have chosen to be selective and say those that disagree with you come from people who are being unsupportive/rude/don't understand. That leaves you closed to the possibility that there is something in what they are saying.

Good luck.

finova · 29/03/2017 17:52

Coloured sweets and drinks had a terrible effect on my brother as a child. It was really striking how manic and silly he became.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 29/03/2017 17:59

I suspect ADHD, but don't want a diagnosis so am desperately looking ways to manage these 'symptoms'/ behaviours

OP, do you realise that you are actually hurting your child and doing him a disservice by
a) assuming his behavioural problems are due to a neurological condition?
b) Denying him access to medical intervention/support?
c) Messing about with his diet without knowing what you're dealing with? What if he gets an eating disorder due to all the focus and drama surrounding food?

That in some circles you would be classed as willfully neglecting your child's needs and welfare/wellbeing?
I'm not saying you ARE......just that to an outsider/agency this is what they are seeing.

A diagnosis only serves to HELP the person affected by it.
You can discuss this with your gp/support groups without being referred for diagnosis.....right now what you need is information to get more clarity on the 'symptoms' he's showing.

I'd also suggest finding a good dietician to work with you re your sons diet....messing about with the nutrients and chemical balances of a person who you suspect already has a chemical/neurological imbalance is dangerous.

WorkAccount · 29/03/2017 18:03

I agree additives can be a problem, but i wouldn't cut out gluten.
And agree with people tell your parents they can't see your kids on their own as they will not do what you reasonably ask.

MrsRyanGosling15 · 29/03/2017 19:36

There are was to disagree with people without being rude though. No need to be nasty just because someone posted in AIBU. We are all supposed to be adults. I cant actually see what the op has said that's so wrong!

Trifleorbust · 29/03/2017 20:28

MrsRyanGosling15:

Well, I'm not going to speak on behalf of anyone else but I certainly don't believe my posts are nasty. Honest and not to her liking, I'll take that. Nasty? No. I think the OP is defensive towards anyone who suggests that her son's behaviour is naughty and that his issues are probably nothing to do with his diet. That may not be what she wants to hear but it isn't nasty.

GoodDayToYou · 29/03/2017 20:36

Just a flyby to say that I don't think you're BU. I've read lots of good stuff about dietary links with ADHD, autism and lots of other conditions too. I think that I would also want to exclude wheat/gluten to see if it helps. Processed foods too.

I might be tempted to print some info out for your parents - they might get it more if they can read about it. Either that or make sure the chn have already eaten when they see them, if you're not going to be there. Just some thoughts - I'm sure you've got it covered.

Original poster

strawberrychunk · 29/03/2017 21:28

thanks all. had some great thoughts and views x

OP posts:

WobblyLegs5 · 30/03/2017 09:12

Adhd is a disability. Withholding medical assessment and treatment for a suspected disability is horrific.

Undiagnosed childhood adhd has close links to addictions, bipolar disorder, suicide and to a lesser degree criminality in adulthood.

BathshebaDarkstone · 30/03/2017 10:14

GoodDay and some GPs carry on doing whatever the fuck they want. I have a relative who does this and gives me this face if I ask her not to.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 30/03/2017 10:28

Why lump gluten in with additives? Don't get that at all.

I think you would be better off seeking medical advice than restricting your kids' diets like that. Gluten is really not the devil you know (obviously you genuinely can't have it for medical reasons).

ShowMePotatoSalad · 30/03/2017 10:33

Missed unless out of that last sentence

Orangebird69 · 30/03/2017 10:47

OP, just wanted to back you up a little bit - if my ds had behavioural issues like yours, looking at his diet would also be the first thing I'd do. Good on you for not 'striving' for a diagnosis and a Ritalin prescription.

pallasathena · 30/03/2017 11:39

Medicalising poor behaviour when you don't have the qualifications to diagnose is a wilfully dangerous thing to do.
If a child is about to be expelled from school then its because the child's behaviour cannot be controlled in a conventional setting where there are clearly signposted boundaries the child is expected to respect. When a child is so unsocialised that he/she doesn't understand or respect those boundaries, there is obviously something terribly wrong.
These may be autistic spectrum type behaviours expressed by the child; these may also be the expressions of a child who is being poorly parented. I would seek the school's advice on this.
For matters to have come to such a head, there must have been Educational Psychologist involvement, surely?

Original poster

strawberrychunk · 30/03/2017 13:33

Hi all, I didn't expect such a huge reaction to the 'suspected adhd' line in my op as the post wasn't really about that! Anyway just to clarify as the op was so brief on that point many people have assumed the details and I definitely don't want people thinking I'm 'neglecting', 'medicalising' or 'withholding medical help'. We have only suspected adhd for a couple of weeks after numerous issues at school surrounding his attention and fiddling, the isolation/expulsion was mention to ds as a short, sharp shock (as mentioned previously). I will not be rushing him in to an ed-psyc office as a first response to my concerns around adhd because I know my son and he is not strong enough for that process right now (I know this as we suffered through the process with his twin for an asd diagnosis). I don't think cutting crap out of his diet is classed as medicating or neglecting, tbh we have never been happy about ours eating processed sugar in the first place. I changed my mind on gluten following some really helpful info posted on here yesterday until we peak to a professional. The op was about grandparents feeding junk against parents wishes. The decision whether or not we feel adhd is the cause is to be seen and if we feel that is the cause then we will move forward then but I will be looking at other possible triggers for his behaviour first. No one wants to put their child through what can be a distressing process if they do not need to I'm sure.

OP posts:

Doyouwantabrew · 30/03/2017 13:48

Hope it gets sorted op one way or another

ginorwine · 30/03/2017 14:17

Do your parents actually know what is gluten etc ? Might they need guidance - some of my relatives wdnt ....

CaseyAtTheBat · 30/03/2017 15:58

Do your parents actually know what is gluten etc ? Might they need guidance - some of my relatives wdnt

Assuming its the grandparents who don't know what they are doing, how ageist. More likely they knew OP was being daft about gluten....

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Swipe left for the next trending thread