grand-parenting

[strawberrychunk]

AIBU to be furious at my parents?
quick back story:
I have 7year old twins boys, my parents should pick up from school and keep for an hour or 2 around twice a weeks. My parents have no concept of healthy living and we regularly butt heads over them giving kids sweets, biscuits etc.
Back to now:
Now one twins' behaviour at school has become difficult to manage (fiddling/disturbing others/lack of focus etc)he is on report and school are talking about isolating or excluding him. I suspect ADHD, but dont want a diagnosis so am desperately looking ways to manage these 'symptoms'/ behaviours. I decided to try him on gluten/additive/preservative and colouring - free diet for a while to see if it helps as they are known causes. Told mum and Dad, asked them to not give sweets/biscuits etc just stick to natural ie fruit, veg whatever- I dont even think they need to give food as theyre only there for an hour or 2 max. Anyway, we all had a big discussion about it and agreed they would not give 'junk' anymore.
Fast-forward to today;
Just spoke to Dad on phone who said 'oh yes, forgot to tell you gave him Pizza last night' ...I asked why? to which he huffed and replied 'It's fine, it was pizza Hut'...so i explain AGAIN about gluten, additives etc then he says 'alright, alright!' in a stop being so silly tone and then rememberz 'Oh and a biscuit', I said but I thought we weren't doing that anymore, he says ' it's fine- they were Oreos' FFS!I would laugh if I weren't so pissed off by it! AIBU????

Can he be referred by the school?

I think the OP knows pizza doesn't cause ADHD ffs! Some children are over sensitive to additives though and OP is trying to rule that out before going down the ADHD route.
Imagine they just wrongly diagnosed the child and used medication unnecessarily when it could have been managed with diet!
I'd be annoyed too OP, it annoys me now that my parents give them far too many sweets and mine don't have any behavioural issues.

It's a good point about the waiting lists, but if he isn't bad enough for Cahms then maybe school need to step up on the behaviour management stuff. Does he have a behaviour support plan?

If there is autism in the family that does raise the chances of ADHD in my opinion these things go hand in hand and run in families.

I will see if I can find some links for you for the teachers. I'm not trying to be unsupportive but I think behaviour management is the way forward, rather than diet.

When we were children DB had ADHD and my mother cut out colourings and additives on the advice of a social worker. Colourings were worse in those days I think, and it did help.

I suggest you supply a packed snack or something for both boys to take with them to the GPs.

You need him to be referred to a pead, let them help you figure out what is going on.

If he does get a diagnosis his school will have to then put strategies in place to help support him, they also can not lawfully exclude him if his behaviour is a direct result of his needs....as they would be discriminating.

@bathshebaDarkstone he has to 'move up 3 tiers' first and he's only on the first so I am not hopeful! Thanks @Billybonkers76 I'm so glad you replied, I was starting to feel like I had gone mad reading a couple of the previous replies! I have already noticed cutting out additives and preservatives at dinner time makes a much easier bed time which means he isn't overtired the next morning! so already finding positives! I understand nan and grandad want to be 'fun' and treat them but I don't necessarily think biscuits=happiness!

www.education.vic.gov.au/Documents/school/principals/participation/tipsmanagingadhdinclass.pdf

Parents who I have worked with who have put off having their children diagnosed with ADHD all wished that they had done it sooner.

great advice thanks guys!

YANBU. I dont really no much about ADHD or controlling behaviour through diet. So I can't really comment on that. But it does bug when you have set clear rules for YOUR kids and other people just completely disregard them. Your wouldn't have it if their df was contadict your parenting so why should put up with from your parents?
Doesn't matter if your reasoning is right or wrong. Unless your rules are causing harm or distress. Your kids your rules!

thanks @MrsTwix ! x

I recall watching a programme not so long ago, think it may have been called born naughty?? A mum was convinced her son had ADHD due to his behaviour when he was with her. When the behavioural experts met with him they ruled out ADHD because he wasn't consistently "naughty" and he would behave himself when he was with his Nan. They said for it to be ADHD then his behaviour would have to be consistently challenging and not dependant on who was looking after him. He basically just knew how to play his mum and so played up for her. Not saying it is or it's not ADHD but going on that programme they did say the behaviour would have to be consistent.

Strawberry You're just going to get a load of abuse from posters who can't grasp the concept that all GPs aren't sweet and lovely, that we should just all be grateful for being born and worship our parents/IL's. In the unlikely event they can't dismiss your concerns they suggest that one of the GPs has Dementia/Alzheimer's, for no other reason than their age, how ageist! This is very common, if they're doing it with something as important as this imagine what will happen over the next few years as they get older, age appropriate games/films, etc. I'd be stopping letting your parents pick them up, arrange a time they can come to you so you can be there, to supervise, patronise them the way they're patronizing you, giggle and tell them they can't be trusted to follow simple requests, for their GS's health, tell them you don't let your dc hang out with bad influences. This won't go away and it won't get better. Best of luck.

www.ascd.org/publications/books/199273/chapters/Strategies-to-Empower,-Not-Control,-Kids-Labeled-ADD~ADHD.aspx

The section on movement is particularly interesting.

I don't have anything to advise re a diagnosis but can sympathise with you about grandparents, food and not listening.

My parents equate feeding with showing love. My kids are grown up now but I've lost count of how many times we'd be there visiting and it was a constant stream of cakes, chocolate, biscuits and crisps. I'd make a comment to the children that they didn't need to eat any more and a few minutes later my Dad (he's the worst for it) would be handing them another biscuit of whatever. I dread to think how much crap they gave them when we weren't there to comment.

Even though they're grown up nothing much has changed. My oldest son left there with a cheesecake (for 8) a few weeks ago. He lives in university halls and his flat mates, as he'd been telling his grandparents, were all away.

I never minded them having the occasional treat but it was excessive.

@FunnyFarmer that's exactly how I felt! I only put up the back story as the reasoning, didn't realise people would grasp that so much but wonder if I'd have left off that and just asked is it ok for grandparents to totally disregard parents rules on food high in additive/preservatives would people think it was wrong then?

*biscuit or whatever, not of

You need to discuss this with your parents, and by discuss I don't mean tell. They need to be on board, I understand that they want to treat your children it's a grandparents' job. How would you feel about homemade biscuits as you know that there will be no additives and they could have fun making them too

It doesn't matter why you want to cut things out of his diet, forget that for a minute, the fact is, you have asked the GPs very calmly not to give your boys something and they have completely ignored your wishes and done it anyway, that's not on. You have every right to be pissed off. If they want to see their grandchildren then they need to start respecting you as a parent.

Diet and ADHD are not linked.
I suggest you provide your own food for your DSs to eat while at your parents or accept the fact it's only twice a week!
I suggest you get your DS assessed for ADHD, if he does have ADHD he can then get the help he needs.

I would also suggest getting something like this to help him concentrate in class. www.sensorydirect.com/sense/fidget-toys/tangle-texture-2057.html

I think you are getting a kicking op and that's so unfair.

I help care for my grandkids and always listen and accept my own children's wishes regarding them.

It's very nasty to completely disregard you this way op and I would be furious too.

Good luck with everything

We make homemade biscuits and cakes at home so it's not as if they miss out but after a long conversation about how he might be sensitive to these things I thought we were all on the same page....

as a side note in reply to some posts, I don't think my son is 'naughty' he is disruptive and a 'fiddler' (I have sown fiddle toys into all his trouser pockets) but he is also caring and kind and loving. thanks for some lovely words they out weight the mean ones!