grand-parenting

[strawberrychunk]

AIBU to be furious at my parents?
quick back story:
I have 7year old twins boys, my parents should pick up from school and keep for an hour or 2 around twice a weeks. My parents have no concept of healthy living and we regularly butt heads over them giving kids sweets, biscuits etc.
Back to now:
Now one twins' behaviour at school has become difficult to manage (fiddling/disturbing others/lack of focus etc)he is on report and school are talking about isolating or excluding him. I suspect ADHD, but dont want a diagnosis so am desperately looking ways to manage these 'symptoms'/ behaviours. I decided to try him on gluten/additive/preservative and colouring - free diet for a while to see if it helps as they are known causes. Told mum and Dad, asked them to not give sweets/biscuits etc just stick to natural ie fruit, veg whatever- I dont even think they need to give food as theyre only there for an hour or 2 max. Anyway, we all had a big discussion about it and agreed they would not give 'junk' anymore.
Fast-forward to today;
Just spoke to Dad on phone who said 'oh yes, forgot to tell you gave him Pizza last night' ...I asked why? to which he huffed and replied 'It's fine, it was pizza Hut'...so i explain AGAIN about gluten, additives etc then he says 'alright, alright!' in a stop being so silly tone and then rememberz 'Oh and a biscuit', I said but I thought we weren't doing that anymore, he says ' it's fine- they were Oreos' FFS!I would laugh if I weren't so pissed off by it! AIBU????

this has all started recently (aged 7) he has always been a fidget bum but it has become disruptive recently.

Didn't you say you have a newborn?

Does the change of behaviour coincide?

That's a good point piglet

That does sound like a my way or the highway type teacher. They're crap, often bullies to staff and students. DS1 had one like that last year, DS clearly struggling with dyslexic type problems, bright boy struggling badly with reading and writing, no problems according to her, 3 weeks it took the new school to start asking me about DS having dyslexia and with the correct support he's doing brilliantly.

yes we have a newborn but he has taken to her really well, enjoying being a big brother, always happy when he sees her etc. I've made sure he hasn't lost any of my time or attention (as much as possible) I have suspected dyslexia before as his spelling is so poor- may have to double check that too!

Didn't want to read and run. Sorry you've had quite a kicking over this OP.

I don't have much to offer, only that my mum went through something similar with my brother when he was small. He was getting out of control and someone mentioned additives in squash, sweets, etc...

Mum stopped him having those things and his behaviour changed almost overnight. Plus, it's not about right and wrong here, you asked your parents to not give him certain things and they ignored you. I'd be annoyed to be fair.

Poor you OP, you are obviously not saying gluten or diet causes adhd ffs people are dense! And why everyone gets so uppity about 'free childcare' that you've pointed out you don't need they have your DTs because they want to! I think you are right to try and eliminate diet as a cause of behaviour before seeking a diagnosis, so many people seem to jump straight to my child has x y z condition before they've actually considered maybe there is another cause for the behaviour such as the shit processed food a lot of people feed their kids. I don't really have any advice on the grandparents though, my in laws ignore my requests over not having the dog around dd as it's badly trained and she's allergic but it just gets brushed over no matter how many times I ask that they keep the dog out of the room when we are sitting on the sofas as I can't move quickly when the dog lunges if I'm holding dd. But I sympathise entirely, good luck!

It must be hard to be a parent with internet access and a naughty child

You might literally spend years, OP, looking for a cause for bad behaviour - gluten, additives, his teacher. Sometimes it looks like a duck and it is a duck; he is being naughty because a) he is missing the attention b) he is bored and so decides to be naughty c) he has SN d) he has unclear boundaries.

Dont hear hoofs and think zebras.

@Trifleorbust ...I may spend years trying to help him, then again, isn't that my job? "it must be hard being a parent of a naughty child"....? I wouldn't know! My son has trouble sitting still, labelling him naughty, me an Internet researcher then making a precocious comment about assumptions....ironic much!? again, thanks for the support!

OP, people are trying to help you here, myself included.

how was that helpful!?

Obviously you didn't find it helpful. I am sorry about that. But my intention was to help you reach a more realistic place. I think others have tried to do the same.

Me again, my son is also dyslexic ( poor memory, terrible handwriting, poor spelling!), dyspraxia & dyslexia often go hand in hand, seriously get it checked out!
My son had a particularly bad teacher and I had to fight her tooth and nail to get her to recognise my son had a problem. To be fair I've had to do this with pretty much every primary school teacher he had, because you know dyslexia is a made up thing! Secondary school has been much more positive, they seem to get it and have been fabulous.

Who shit on your head today Casey? Are you just in a bad mood, need to take it out on someone? Do you think your coming across as rude and a bit batshit? You don't have to agree with every OP but the ability to read and some manners can go a long way. You don't need to be rude just to disagree with someone. You dont need to kick someone just for the craic. Try and relax

I am going to look into dyslexia and dyspraxia @Yorkshiremum17 thanks so much for your help and support today. @MrsRyanGosling15 there's a few of them out today isn't there!? must be a full moon thanks for commenting, made me feel much better knowing that there is some sanity out there! xxx
Can I just say that I believe we are all parents here trying to do our best aren't we? I wouldn't even consider posting a comment on here just to be spiteful , I like to think these resources are some much needed community support in a world of "you're not good enough" x love to all and thnks for some really useful comments today

I think at the end of the day if you're not happy with the car the GPs give you have to send your children elsewhere.
On a side note, please don't stop your child eating gluten unless they have actually been diagnosed as coeliac by a doctor!

• care not car sorry!

noted! thanks @iHeartdodo

Poor you OP, you are obviously not saying gluten or diet causes adhd ffs people are dense

from the OP I suspect ADHD, but dont want a diagnosis so am desperately looking ways to manage these 'symptoms'/ behaviours. I decided to try him on gluten/additive/preservative and colouring - free diet for a while to see if it helps as they are known causes

Don't be calling other people dense, thats precisely what the OP said.

maybe badly written but most people understood what I meant @Casey

I fully understood what you meant, and so did you when you wrote it.

The behaviours must be worse than just fidgeting though OP if exclusion has been mentioned - that's pretty serious stuff. I understand what you're trying to do by excluding the crap from his diet and I think the GP ought to support you in that if they're caring for him. But at the same time, you really ought to be getting an ed psych report done asap, because there's clearly something you need to get to the bottom of, and he sooner the better for your son. I wouldn't rule out the new sibling though, particularly as you say the worst behaviour is recent. Have you asked him how he feels?

I'm an adult, diagnosed autistic, and many additives (colours and flavours mainly, like a PP orange is a definite no-no!) are triggers for me. You are right that additives can cause symptoms and behaviour, but NOT the underlying condition.

As an adult I can feel the difference when I have eaten or drunk something I shouldn't, I can become very giddy/silly, can't sit still, make inappropriate comments as my mouth seems to move before my brain engages... Later on I often have an energy slump or crash.

Having said that, if his symptoms have really only very recently started then it might not be ADHD at all, as that requires an onset before age 7 for diagnosis. Or do you feel he has always been like this, but it's only a problem recently? As well as looking at his diet, I'd consider the effect that your newborn will have (i know you're trying to minimise the impact on him, but there will still be one) and whether there is a clash with the teacher.

How is he in other situations, any out of school clubs or similar?

Hi @chrohnicallypregnant thank you so much for the message. I have noticed some real improvements since removing these things from his diet (I haven't removed Gluten but was looking into it which I won't now). He has always been fidgety and previous teachers have for example sat him out of large groups finding that he wouldn't concentrate in these situations, however, it has been this year he has really started to be in less control of his behaviour, he will tap/hum/fidget/chat and laugh in class, which I totally understand must be hard for a teacher to deal with but I do think that the school are dealing with it harshly. At first I think they thought a 'sharp shock' would make him comply but he has developed anxieties around school and it's not helped at all. I will request an OT to come and look at his behaviour in class. At home he can be 'hyperactive' and unfocused but I can take him anywhere and he will always follow my instructions....maybe because I know how to manage him?? After school clubs are never a problem (touch wood!)

OP you are correct, E numbers etc can really affect some children. 30 years ago my friend's DS was in much the position that your DS is now - she removed all E numbers from his diet & he was a different child. When he came to my house, I could tell at a glance when he'd had sweets etc containing E numbers - he was awful (bullying, breaking toys, damaging trees and plants 'for fun') - all things that he never did when he hadn't eaten E numbers. Press on - your DS will thank you, as does my friend's (he's now a high-status professional - and is struggling with the behaviour of his own DC )

thank you so so much @seamstressfromTreacleMineRoad after ANOTHER GOOD DAY at school today I will definately be continuing! x