Easter Hols aibu tired MIL wants to visit

[Brighteyes27]

Long sorry. FIL died earlier on this year. DH and I are both in the midst of restructures at work, DD has been bullied at school recently and both kids play a lot of sports on a weekend so sick of housework treadmill etc. I would love week away abroad or anywhere really. But we darent book anything as worried about our job uncertainty but we could all really do with a break and some down time. I work PT and I had booked some days off either side of the Easter weekend incase we had some good news and could manage a couple of nights away somewhere in this country. Or failing that just have some chill out time together and maybe a day or two out. Anyway tonight MIL phones to say she has decided she wants to visit us Easter weekend as apparently her DD my SIL is off on holiday abroad for a long weekend with her BF and her DS my BIL and his family are off on holiday abroad for a fortnight at Easter. So obviously we are last choice. She wants to visit Thurs afternoon to Tues when DH is off work. We have had her to visit us for a full week last month and DH is seeing her for a weekend next month. What we can do is extremely limited with MIL here as we won't all fit in one car, our house isn't massive so one of the kids has to sleep on the couch and we can't go many places as she is eldetly. She stays up until midnight even though much of that time she is asleep on the sofa (so we get no time together at night) and she doesn't get up until well after 10am. I do really feel for her but her visits are too long and quiet draining. If she visited the week before Easter or the week after it wouldn't be quite so bad but she is insisting on visiting Easter weekend. AIBU to be totally fed up and cancel my annual leave and let her come when she wants to visit and feel resentful or should we say either the first week or the second week when the kids are off or visit another time? Or should I lie and say I had booked a couple of days away for us as a surprise before we knew of job situation (tomorrow night)? She knows the situation with DH'swork and asked him on the phone tonight if we were going away at Easter.

You really are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea with these two aren't you Bright ? for bashing dh around the head with

Is there any way she can baby sit for you when she's here so you can have a night out together? I do think you should have her there but maybe try to have easy teas like barbecues etc, to make it easier for you. I do feel it would be a little unfair to leave her on Easter on her own.

I really feel for her and for you. It's lovely she wants to come stay though! Personally I would let her, the kids would probably love it she you can give her the options on days if she wants to come with you or if she wants to stay in and potter about

Could you say yes, that's fine, but we have planned to do x and y (one of those all day Friday and encourage her to come on Saturday instead), and she's welcome as long as she realises that you will be out for some of the time. If the weather's nice, maybe you could take a picnic somewhere - she can sit in the car with the radio on/on the picnic blanket/in the café with her coffee and cake while you all go off for a hike...?
As for food, I know it's a right pain - I also wing it and the family are fine with that but when the relatives come (rarely - we live abroad!) I feel I have to plan as everyone is always asking just after breakfast what we've planned for lunch etc !!! How about saying that you are having a holiday from cooking every night and that you will be having fish and chips for a treat/some other takeaway, or else have soup and cheese on toast, or ask her if she would mind giving you a hand/doing a meal ? I'd probably knock up a shepherd's pie or something that freezes easily so you at least have one meal in the bag ready to go, too - if you have time that is ! How old are the kids ? Can you get them to make a simple meal for Granny ? Or better yet, get her to babysit with a film if they are little - and even if they're not - whilst you and husband make the most of it and go out for drinks or dinner ?

I also feel your husband could back you up and at least say 'sit next to me' on the sofa instead of having MIL between you !! It's ok for him, too, if he thinks he can just bugger off to the shed and let you get on with entertaining his mother. Make it clear that you are not doing it all and that you need a holiday, too. Maybe plan the time with him before she comes so that you have concrete things organised and you are less stressed.

Feeling for you - good luck.

YANBU - tell her to come another time as your family has made plans and you are both exhausted. Don't feel guilty about it, her 2 other blood children clearly do not. She is imposing, you do not invite yourself no matter what age, unless you are solely preoccupied with yourself.
Being a MIL is not a position that comes with non negotiable benefits, and it's not like she comes to see the children or to lend a hand - she wants to be entertained, all take no give. From what you say, she used to behave in the same manner when her husband was alive: Fact is, all elderly people aren't 'poor nice old ladies/men' by the sheer fact of being old; as for all ages, some are delightful, others selfish, no change with age - she is being rude.
The 'sandwich position' of having to look after children, hold a job, worry about mortgages and pensions, about finding a new job, about being forced to live apart as a family over the next 6 months etc, and also entertain bored MIL is the most stressful (which did not exist before as people had children earlier), so give priority to your own family guilt free. I bet your own parents would not dream of behaving like her!

I would call her up and explain what you've just said about needing family time because of the situation you're in. Your immediate family comes first. Your children are partly suffering at this moment as they can see the stress that you and your husband are under. She has lost her husband but she usually has many people around her so this Easter can be passed. It's okay if it upsets her, you cannot keep everyone happy all of the time. Prioritise.

Had summerhouse built with electric and heating. Give her big breakfast and if like our guests they fall asleep for ages! Win, win!!

I will suggest him phoning tonight and see how it goes down if he's up for it and I will write dates on piece of paper.

I am kind and really do put myself and my DC's out when she visits but I just don't have anything to give at the moment if we had a nice day or so off work together (without taking kids to various sports and activities and without browbeating them into doing homework). I could more easily cope with a slightly shorter visit than was originally proposed (probably incorporating the loneliest days) Sat, Sun, Mon and Tues as opposed to Thurs Fri Sat Sun Mon and Tues (which includes our only 4 days off together). that MIL had invited herself for.

Bank holidays are really hard for widows. It's her first Easter alone. She's grieving. Let her come and make her feel special

I have said she can come and will make her feel special Easter Sat-until the Tues after Easter.

But if she insists on coming the Thurs before Easter to the Tuesday after I will be struggling.

Could you book a short break and invite her along? Own room, full board and built in babysitting? You would get a break from domestic life, and she could spend time with you or other guests...if you chose somewhere that has activities included you could book different things for all of you so you each all get spa/ golf/ ballroom time...together...but not 24/7. If you choose activities for children or too active for MIL she can entertain herself for a few hours with chatting to other guests etc. #goodluck

she sounds really difficult and sounds like she's always been this way. it is hard for her being recently widowed, but you're having a hard time too.

i think you should absolutely stick to your guns for sat - tues which is a reasonable amount of time.

i hope i'm never this imposing on my kids.

Dansmum I can't book a break would love to but prices extortionate over school Hols and money as both undergoing restructures at work and DH likely to be jobless by Easter we've had a very stressful time recently with all this.

You sound like a lovely dil. To be honest, your mil sounds rather pushy. Your idea of Easter Sat etc sounds good. You could also suggest some mother and son alone time to help them both at this difficult time ( while you get the remote control, or to nip out to wander where you fancy.)

Have not read the whole thread, but I really feel for you - either of my in-laws would be a nightmare guest (and my own mother is not far behind). It looks like it's too late for this time and you are probably lumbered, but surely this kind of thing should have been a family decision, involving a reasonable discussion between your husband and his brother and sister. Everyone booking a holiday and "bunking off" leaving those who are having a break at home to "grandma sit" is simply not on - especially with everything else you have to contend with at the moment.
Make sure her son pulls his weight while she's at yours!

Sorry to hear about your job stress. Could your mother spend sometime with your MIL. Coffee garden centre maybe. I am a MIL. I babysit when I visit my children. Have you asked her so you and dh a meal out? Just a suggestion. It's tricky. I am reasonably fit and younger. But I do know I am finding it hard my energy levels are just not the same. I expect your MIL has little energy.

Kids 12 and 13 now. She's never offered to look after them. She insisted on visiting within a couple of days of giving birth to DD they were both babies (neither could walk etc). Both kids twisty crying as tired after lunch I was in middle of taking DD upstairs to try and settle her (having had about 2 hours sleep) DH was making coffees for them. When I was half up the stairs MIL shouts can you get a tissue I think he needs his nose wiped and I think he might need a nappy change as well (re DS not DH). Tissues were clearly on display as was nappy box (with two in nappies at same time) yet she wouldn't dream of wiping it or asking if she could change him or just starting with it.

OP - I really feel for you. You are a good person, because you are well aware of how your m-in-law must be feeling after her bereavement and you are prepared to host her visit even though you are feeling exhausted and she is a difficult person. You have done a great deal to keep the family together despite her problematic attitude and behaviour.

I agree with the comment that you do reap what you sow and if she has been unpleasant to you in the past, it is hardly surprising that you are finding it hard. I think you need to ask yourself:
If you were going through a really tough time or a bereavement, would she put herself out for you if the positions were reversed?
Has she shown consideration for you and your feelings in the past, or is it all about herself and your dh?
If the answer to either is no, you are giving a great deal to let her stay for the shorter time over Easter.

IME you also need to ask yourself, if you are feeling at the end of your tether during a visit that is too long, is there a danger that you will say or do something in the heat of moment when angry or stressed that will cause much greater upset in the long run? I have found that if I am pushed too far, it is a good idea to withdraw because I need to cool off and have some me time. From what you have said I think your family are desperate for a break and that should be put first.

Finally, I totally agree with all the other posters, your dh has to step up and take responsibility. It is outrageously unfair otherwise and he should not be allowed to get away with it, because, as others have said, this could be the thin end of the wedge and you could end up hosting her every holiday. Stand up to him and her and make some demands of your own, please.

All the best..

Honestly? I would say sorry, no, that doesn't work for us this year.

Oh dear. Yes I think your compromise is best. Less time together. You sound Lovely, tolerant. X

Hi you do sound like u need a break OP.
Don't know if this has been suggested but how about booking her into a local hotel, you could say that the kids are having sleepovers/ you are decorating (or other) & you don't really have room for her to stay ATM.
If she sleeps in late anyway then you can pick her up for lunch & spend a couple of hours with her in the afternoon & then drop her back to the hotel to watch her soaps.

Five nights at a hotel is expensive, user, especially when you are in an uncertain job situation. I suspect from what the op has said that MiL would expect to be paid for.

You really need to work out some rules with your husband, op. Limit the length of stays, insist he does some of the work. It's hard, I know as I have done it. It made me feel horrible, I still feel rude as, I suspect like you, my instinct is to look after guests in my home and make it special. But, on the other hand, I still have my husband and my children their grandmother.

Out of interest, did your dh grow up locally to his own grandparents? We live a distance away. MiL had no in laws and her own parents were in the same city, as we're her grandparents. I'm sure this is part of the problem as she simply never experienced having people to stay in her own house.

Thanks white cloud no she wouldn't put herself out when DH said on the phone he was going to lose his job in a few weeks she just said oh and said I'll speak to you soon x is about to start. I was flabbergasted. When we send her a birthday present card photo of kids Christmas presents cards whatever. She never ever phones to say thank you and are left wondering whether she's received it or not eventually I'll say to DH you better ring and see if she's ok and see if she received (whatever). She almost always has to be prompted to say yes I got it and don't even know if she says thank you. She never phones to say thank you and always waits for DH to phone and wish her happy birthday. My family always phone to say thank you. Suppose we are all different but no she wouldn't put herself out.

It sounds to me like your BIL and sil's saw this coming. It won't help you this time, but it sounds like you need to have an assertive answer prepared in future.

yes of course you are welcome MIL we are doing stuff on Thursday & Friday, but you could come on Saturday, then I could drop you back to the station on Tuesday. lovely.

If no one has ever said no to her before, she probably has no concept that you have other stuff going on...

I don't think the OP should feel guilty at all - as she points out, she's offering Sat-Tues to MIL which will cover the loneliest days. It's not like she's refusing any sort of visit.