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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Easter Hols aibu tired MIL wants to visit

267 replies

Brighteyes27 · 28/03/2017 23:12

Long sorry. FIL died earlier on this year. DH and I are both in the midst of restructures at work, DD has been bullied at school recently and both kids play a lot of sports on a weekend so sick of housework treadmill etc. I would love week away abroad or anywhere really. But we darent book anything as worried about our job uncertainty but we could all really do with a break and some down time. I work PT and I had booked some days off either side of the Easter weekend incase we had some good news and could manage a couple of nights away somewhere in this country. Or failing that just have some chill out time together and maybe a day or two out. Anyway tonight MIL phones to say she has decided she wants to visit us Easter weekend as apparently her DD my SIL is off on holiday abroad for a long weekend with her BF and her DS my BIL and his family are off on holiday abroad for a fortnight at Easter. So obviously we are last choice. She wants to visit Thurs afternoon to Tues when DH is off work. We have had her to visit us for a full week last month and DH is seeing her for a weekend next month. What we can do is extremely limited with MIL here as we won't all fit in one car, our house isn't massive so one of the kids has to sleep on the couch and we can't go many places as she is eldetly. She stays up until midnight even though much of that time she is asleep on the sofa (so we get no time together at night) and she doesn't get up until well after 10am. I do really feel for her but her visits are too long and quiet draining. If she visited the week before Easter or the week after it wouldn't be quite so bad but she is insisting on visiting Easter weekend. AIBU to be totally fed up and cancel my annual leave and let her come when she wants to visit and feel resentful or should we say either the first week or the second week when the kids are off or visit another time? Or should I lie and say I had booked a couple of days away for us as a surprise before we knew of job situation (tomorrow night)? She knows the situation with DH'swork and asked him on the phone tonight if we were going away at Easter.

OP posts:
Dozer · 30/03/2017 08:03

I see there's history, and your main issue seems to be DH, but in this instance, her first easter so very soon after bereavement YABU.

You and DC could go out and do a couple of things, and DH should do half the shopping, cooking and other domestic work.

BertrandRussell · 30/03/2017 08:18

"It's a two way street and being a MIL doesn't make you boss!"

Absolutely. And the "you'll be a MIL one day" stuff is bollocks.

But it has been suggested that the OP doesn't run around hosting, and just ask mil to fit into the family's plans, and she said that she wouldn't feel happy doing that and that she feels she would have to completely change all their plans..........

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 30/03/2017 08:31

But it has been suggested that the OP doesn't run around hosting, and just ask mil to fit into the family's plans, and she said that she wouldn't feel happy doing that and that she feels she would have to completely change all their plans..........

And the OP , who actually knows her MIL has explained why this won't work for her situation. Yet still you keep on at her, getting particularly irked when the OP hasn't taken your advice. If she says that her MIL is not the sort of person who will tolerate having to fit in around the family and wants everyone to run round her then your suggestions are not going to work, are they?

BertrandRussell · 30/03/2017 09:01

Sorry- she didn't say it wouldn't work. She said shewould feel shitty and guilty for doing it. And another poster agreed, saying it would be rude.

Dozer · 30/03/2017 09:03

I thought the MIL had said she'd fit around but OP's H (and OP to a lesser extent) would find that difficult.

TheWhiteRoseOfYork · 30/03/2017 09:06

She said it would not work because her MIL is manipulative and would be phoning her other children and complaining about the OP behind her back, telling them how awful it was that she was left alone. I think that not wanting to be bad-mouthed to the rest of the family behind your back is a good enough reason to not want to do what you are suggesting.

LaContessaDiPlump · 30/03/2017 09:13

I was the other poster Bertrand - my exact words were that to me it would be rude and that it would be interpreted as such by my mother. I suppose this is something that varies in families though; DH's family certainly don't pay that much attention to us or each other when we visit them (at their invitation) and will happily keep to their pre-arranged plans and disappear for large chunks of the day. I find it deeply odd, weird and rude (why would you want guests over if you've got plans, esp if they have come a long way to see you?) but it is how they operate. They probably find it bizarre that I deliberately clear my schedule when they visit, because I think that's the correct way to behave. To each their own I guess.

I think the OP feels similar to me, and also her MIL expects that sort of treatment and would be hurt/surprised not to receive it. I suppose it's good that they are on the same page in terms of how you treat visitors, but I can see that it is a nuisance in this case!

BertrandRussell · 30/03/2017 09:16

Fair enough.

Personally, if she was likely to try the divide and rule thing, I, or dp would be on the phone to the other siblings deciding on a party line. Because it's the sort of thing that is probably going to get worse as she gets older.

BertrandRussell · 30/03/2017 09:20

Yes, of course if you invite someone you clear your schedule as far as possible. But if somebody invites themselves then it is more than reasonable to ask them to fit in. Particularly if they aren't physically capable of joining in with the rest of the family in some of the things they want to do.

Petal02 · 30/03/2017 11:23

OP - sorry if I've missed something, but did your MIL accept your Sat-Tues offer, or are negotiations still underway?

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/03/2017 11:59

AntriGrinch. Your grandfather sounded like a nightmare. I can't help laughing at your description of him. He was so self limiting and made his own life incredibly difficult (not to mention everyone else's). He definitely wasn't a happy person. No one, who's happy would act in this manner. He sounds like a character from a sitcom.

BrightEyes she sounds similar to my mother. The relationship your mils children have with one another is a most likely result of her behaviour when they were growing up. I don't think my mother intentionally made my brother extremely competitive but she pitted my brother and me against eachother and her behaviour encouraged sibling rivalry with "divide and conquer", irrational and erratic parenting. Having grown up in this environment, I don't have a strong desire to speak to or see my brother regularly. He's annoying, boastful and competitive. My mother is the matriarch, my brother is now the "head of the family" and being male is therefore superior to me Hmm. And then there's me, the scapegoat, black sheep, inferior youngest female. As a result, everything goes through my mother as well. And she stirs up animosity between us whilst simultaneously berating me for not being able to "just get on" because that's what she really wants.

As I grow older and distance myself, I can stand back and see how ridiculous and amusing this situation is. It's a work in progress and my mother is incredibly fatiguing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/03/2017 12:03

Petal

Op hasn't said, I don't think. Her dh has accepted that having mil arrive the Thursday not Saturday would be putting her and instead of their family and them first at a time when they desperately need these two days for their sanity.

Bantanddec · 30/03/2017 12:11

If it was your mum who wanted to stay after losing your dad/partner would that make you feel differently? Because if it would you are being massively unreasonable.

Astro55 · 30/03/2017 12:47

If it was your mum who wanted to stay

Would DH make the arrangements - take days off to pick her up, sorts beds and food and clear his shedule to run round after her?

Good question

BiddyPop · 30/03/2017 13:02

OP, I hope your DH does get to see that you are looking to put his needs, and the needs of his nuclear family on a par with the needs of his DM. It's not that you are putting yourselves above her - you are still looking for ways to make it work and give her a nice time. But also realizing that the nuclear family does, on this one occasion, also have needs that desperately must be met for everyone's sanity.

I hope he sees that when he takes a step back. And helps you to facilitate that too.

Reow · 30/03/2017 13:17

You're getting a bashing OP.

You have already made plans to go out. She then decides she is visiting those same dates. You will not be home.

Therefore she must come another weekend. Simple.

I have huge sympathy for the bereaved. She must be lonely and sad. However that does not mean you need to cancel your pre-made plans to accommodate her when she did not ask if that was a convenient time to visit. You have offered alternatives. She has not. You are being very flexible.

And don't apologise for the way you feel.

Tell MIL that unfortunately you already have plans that weekend, which you do. She is welcome to come the weekend after. End of.

Sorry if some people think that sounds insensitive, but she sounds manipulative (past form also suggests this). Bereaved doesn't cancel out being manipulative or your own feelings.

TheDayIBroke · 30/03/2017 14:14

OP YANBU at all. You sound absolutely drained and worn out, and stressed too. The MIL needs to come visit when you are ready.

The sense of entitlement from the MIL would annoy me. I know she bereaved, but that doesn't mean that she gets to ride roughshod over you and a much needed break.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 30/03/2017 14:18

I think DH should be busying himself with that party line you mention bertrand but since he isn't, OP is in a difficult position. Harder to do it when it isn't your parent and siblings.

BertrandRussell · 30/03/2017 14:33

The dh concerned is also bereaved.

Swirlingasong · 30/03/2017 14:43

Op, you have spent years putting up with her behaviour and accommodating her needs. You are now asking for just two days consideration of your needs and those of her son and grandchildren. This is really not much to ask.

With regards to being elderly and bereaved, I am going to sound harsh but we all reap what we sow. My in laws spent the first ten years of my relationship with dh making me feel tolerated rather than welcome and on several occasions definitely unwelcome. Much as I might try not to let it, this certainly has an effect on my willingness to put myself out for them now that my life is far busier and they are elderly.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 30/03/2017 16:26

He is Bertrand, but he wasn't when MIL first started this shit. And the bereavement is more of a reason to communicate with his siblings, and also doesn't give any of them the right to expect OP to function as unpaid skivvy.

Original poster
Brighteyes27 · 30/03/2017 17:38

Thanks all. DH has gone all ostrich it would be better to call MIL sooner rather than later but if he doesn't want to do something or say something he often puts off hopes it won't happen or he won't have to do or say something he doesn't really want to which often makes things worse in my experience. She will likely phone him on the hop railroad him into something and he will try and claim he forgot what dates I said but thought it wouldn't really matter as she can just come anyway as it won't really make much difference (to him). Well it will this time.

Poor fella has lots of work worries as well but his approach to is often like this.

Our plans were sketchy depending on weather and finances and because all family social activities are thought of and put into place by me (as he doesn't really do much forward planning). He didn't have a firm answer for her so when she rang he just left it as I'll let you know.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/03/2017 17:44

Perhaps this time you should just ring MIL and give her 2 options that work for your plans? "DH is very busy and stressed so I thought we get can this sorted so you can get those tickets asap - options are x or y what works best for you?"

falange · 30/03/2017 17:50

Yabu. Holiday times that families traditionally spend together are difficult when you're alone. Let her come but shift her feet off the sofa, Hoover before she gets up so she's more like part of the family and such a guest.

BonnyScotland · 30/03/2017 17:53

I am the opposite of everyone on here... sorry

I don't ever have overnight visitors/family...

when we visit Family we stay at a inexpensive hotel... so as not to invade them either... this way nobody feels restricted committed or tied down to entertaining each other ...

home is our haven...