To think I'm not actually a lazy 'lady who lunches'?

[Tranquiltess]

(I'm looking at you, FIL!)

Background: I worked in a professional setting since graduating, right up until my youngest was about one. DH works away a lot, given the nature of his job, he can be away for months at a time and is often away just through the week as well. As this isn't always known well in advance, and isn't constant, full time after/before school care wouldn't be cost effective, short term (short notice) child care is difficult. As my job required work in the evenings and weekends, it was increasingly difficult to juggle everything while DH was away for long periods, as there wasn't anyone to help out with pick up/inset days/sick days, etc. So....

I have been a (mostly) SAHM for the past few years, but regularly volunteer at school AND have always done contract work. This is the bit I wanted to ask about. I am able to do professional contract work in total about 3 months of the year. I really enjoy the mental stimulation, although it is a really intense work period with tight deadlines - I am literally working every waking moment apart from eating/sleeping/organising kids, etc. It's definitely not sustainable long term even if the work was available, and if DH is away during this time it is extremely stressful trying to complete without any adult assistance with kids/household. But I do enjoy it, and it's good money. In fact, the money I make for the approx 3 months is equivalent to what I would earn doing a 3 hour shift 4 days a week in retail (which is the only job I have seen recently that I could possibly qualify for and would fit with our family at the moment) OVER NEARLY 10 MONTHS!
I am completely happy going back to work when the kids are a bit more independent (early primary atm) and/or DH isn't working away as much. I enjoy the contract work, I don't think I would enjoy shift work, which would then come with all the associated difficulties when DH is away again.
However, FIL has expressed his opinion that I'm just a 'lady who lunches' and has implied that I am lazy for not working now, despite earning as above, running the house, and volunteering. Of course, he has only said this directly to me while DH is away. I find his views personally offensive. I don't go out for coffee/lunch every day and spend loads of money, so it's not like I don't contribute financially overall. AIBU, am I lazy, or should I be deliberately making life difficult for myself for slightly more money in a regular job? WWYD?

Just ignore him. What would he rather you do? He has no idea.
I work two small flexible self created jobs which fit around the three kids and my husband who has a demanding job. I could have more of a career and am looking into moving back into salaried work when the children are older but for now it is useful that one of us be home.
My FIL is constantly implying I should "go back to work" (I work about 15 hours a week apart from all the kid wrangling). Why do they feel the need?

I don't think you are lazy at all OP and to be honest even if you hired a PA and sat sipping cocktails all day it's nobody's damn business but yours. FIL needs to mind his own. Very nasty, you need to address that with him.

When I read your title, I thought you probably are a lady who lunches but when I read your post - you actually work quite a lot. Your contract work is a job. Ignore FIL.

Sounds like an idiot. How much time did he spend looking after his own children when they were young? It is a full time job. If you are out at work, someone else has to look after them. Which is all fine. But it does mean it is full time. Either you and someone else doing it or just the mum or dad doing it. But someone has to do it. He's made me quite cross!

Tell him that you sacrificed your career so that his son could continue with his.

Ignore your Fil you are not a lady who looks lunches ffs! You could suggests he spends a day sorting a house, kids and some work that earns him the same rate per hour as you!,

TapOut - loved your comment

YANU, but I think the real problem is that you feel you're being lazy otherwise why would it hurt you so to be told 'lady what lunches'. Besides what is wrong with being a lady what lunches. Why do so many women undermine the importance of being SAHM. Isn't it bad enough that men do it?

Suggest FIL helps with the childcare while do is away so you can work conventional hours

Thanks for all your positive comments. Seems like there's a lot of us who still experience this on a regular basis!

Nilly when you are told to your face that you are lazy it is hurtful. DH doesn't really discuss this kind of thing with his df, at least not in front of me, so I can't help but wonder. If you're a sahp no one realises what you do, until you don't do it. Consequently, I do feel dh (who can be a bit like his dad) might also feel I'm lazy when there's no real results to show at the end of the day, even when I've had a day filled with little jobs here there and everywhere. It doesn't feel productive to me either, as it's the same old stuff in a never ending cycle.
More and more mums I know are looking for part time work, so when I have so many work free weeks, I do feel like I should be doing more. Although I see the sense in sticking with what works for now, thanks everyone for the outside perspectives.

YANBU. You are doing whats best for you and your family and sounds like you can't fit much more in tbh. Honestly, we can't win these days can we? If we go out to work the poor darlings are 'neglected', if we stay at home, we are lazy sods!! Try not to give a sh*t what FIL thinks and carry on as you are. You are a

When my dd was young my husband stayed at home and I worked. I did crazy hours. I was so grateful to my husband, made my life easier. Your FIL should not of said this. I'm not sure why people feel the need to judge others life choices. You won't get these years back, enjoy your children and have lunch out when you get half a chance. And if it wasn't for the parents out there who have the opportunity to help at schools then schools wouldn't be as good. I'm very grateful to school helpers as I don't have the time to help.

Reminds me of a friend who used to criticise me because I went through a period of changing jobs every couple of years. She had been with the same company since graduating. One day after another attack I got so fed up, I asked her if she was planning on staying with 'Robot Manufacturing' until she retired. She never ever mentioned it again.

Can you think of a similar come back?

My thoughts are that your 3 month contracts keep you in your skilled job loop and therefore once your family situation allows you to work more regular hours you could hopefully find a job to suit.

What is working school hours in retail going to get you long term career wise? not putting retail down, I work in retail Probably not a lot in your field I'm guessing?

Just tell him that you actually do quite a lot of contract work and earn a good salary and due to the fact that your DH is away a lot you do nearly all childcare/housework etc Therefore work at least as hard as him., not that it is any of his business. Ultimately just be thankful you are not your MIL.
I wouldn't mention that your DH works long hours and that you can't work because of this etc etc as to be honest that just sounds like an excuse for not working.

Or just ignore him. You don't have to justify your choices to anyone, least of all him.

Wow..why do so many in-law relatives seem to take issue with what the wives/partners do or don't do? Do they think we are simply using their son/brother/nephew or whatever, to our own greedy advantage? Spending all their hard earned cash while we hold fort at home sipping cocktails and drinking green tea??
I have had sooo many similar comments from OH's relatives, yet not one of my relatives would ever be so rude.
When we visited his mum & sisters last time, they kept commenting every time he got his card out to pay for something. Usually meals out for them. In the end I had to snap and remind them that we had a joint account, and it was OUR money!
Whether you worked contract or not OP, your FIL is bang out of order!

He may carry on making comments if OP just ignores him. As it's annoying her it could be worth shutting him up.

of course you arent lazy, you work.
you look after the children. the amount you can work is severely diminised by the fact you need to be the main carer for the children and house.
Women are shafted by this kind of situation, and often end up with inlaws going, oh well, what is it you do? because they think that their precious son keeps the family afloat.

People make comments whether you work or not. For example, SIL gets lots of comments from her SAHM sister (who probably is a lady who lunches as her children are teenagers) about how "lucky" she is to have a career she could do with children. This really winds SIL up as it has nothing to do with luck. She was just determined to keep the career she trained for and works really hard because of it (brother works away a lot).

Haven't read the whole post . Could fil do some child care etc free up time for you to work more / relax for at least 2 minutes. Maybe see what his view on being a short notice child minder is ?

daddy he's made it pretty clear in the past that he considers them too far away to take the kids if there's an inset day and I have work. He's not all bad, when OH has been away for long periods they will have the kids at the weekend one day/night a fortnight, and I appreciate that. Unfortunately they don't mind changing this if their social calendar changes. I missed a deadline once due to them cancelling one week for an outing or something, all I can think is they don't take my work that seriously.

Or (thinking more charitably) possibly were oblivious, as they're not that interested?

I'm so sick of the judgement of who does what. I worked for 30 years' juggling kids and a pretty in your face job. Finally, had. Bit of a meltdown. Then had comments from so called friends that I was just doing housework and had no life. Think I did an amazing job actually.