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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not actually a lazy 'lady who lunches'?

148 replies

Tranquiltess · 28/03/2017 00:01

(I'm looking at you, FIL!)

Background: I worked in a professional setting since graduating, right up until my youngest was about one. DH works away a lot, given the nature of his job, he can be away for months at a time and is often away just through the week as well. As this isn't always known well in advance, and isn't constant, full time after/before school care wouldn't be cost effective, short term (short notice) child care is difficult. As my job required work in the evenings and weekends, it was increasingly difficult to juggle everything while DH was away for long periods, as there wasn't anyone to help out with pick up/inset days/sick days, etc. So....

I have been a (mostly) SAHM for the past few years, but regularly volunteer at school AND have always done contract work. This is the bit I wanted to ask about. I am able to do professional contract work in total about 3 months of the year. I really enjoy the mental stimulation, although it is a really intense work period with tight deadlines - I am literally working every waking moment apart from eating/sleeping/organising kids, etc. It's definitely not sustainable long term even if the work was available, and if DH is away during this time it is extremely stressful trying to complete without any adult assistance with kids/household. But I do enjoy it, and it's good money. In fact, the money I make for the approx 3 months is equivalent to what I would earn doing a 3 hour shift 4 days a week in retail (which is the only job I have seen recently that I could possibly qualify for and would fit with our family at the moment) OVER NEARLY 10 MONTHS!
I am completely happy going back to work when the kids are a bit more independent (early primary atm) and/or DH isn't working away as much. I enjoy the contract work, I don't think I would enjoy shift work, which would then come with all the associated difficulties when DH is away again.
However, FIL has expressed his opinion that I'm just a 'lady who lunches' and has implied that I am lazy for not working now, despite earning as above, running the house, and volunteering. Of course, he has only said this directly to me while DH is away. I find his views personally offensive. I don't go out for coffee/lunch every day and spend loads of money, so it's not like I don't contribute financially overall. AIBU, am I lazy, or should I be deliberately making life difficult for myself for slightly more money in a regular job? WWYD?

OP posts:
ScarlettFreestone · 28/03/2017 03:48

Don't do jokey. Don't go all guns blazing. Walk the path between.

Quietly say "that's unfair and hurtful. Don't ever say it again"

When he says (as he inevitably will) that it's only a joke just say "well now you know it's not in the least funny"

LindyHemming · 28/03/2017 04:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mathanxiety · 28/03/2017 04:17

Your FIL presumably spent many long years enjoying free childcare services provided by the mother of his children and never had to think about any of the logistics of managing a career and family as a result?

I'd say, 'Don't mind him,' but I think he should apologise to you for being so rude and scathing.
I like this from Scarlett:
Quietly say "that's unfair and hurtful. Don't ever say it again"

Hopefully you pointed out to DH when he made his asinine suggestion hat if you were to go back to work then he would need to make himself available on a daily basis to be a parent to his children.

Original poster
Tranquiltess · 28/03/2017 04:58

Hopefully you pointed out to DH when he made his asinine suggestion hat if you were to go back to work then he would need to make himself available on a daily basis to be a parent to his children.

Ha, not going to happen while he's in this job!

Euph Maybe it's me being sensitive that I don't feel like I'm doing enough now both kids are in school, iyswim? A part time job that fits in with school would be nice while he's home every night, but I think I'd be potentially making life difficult for the next time he's away and bringing it all upon myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
Tranquiltess · 28/03/2017 04:59

Oh, I know why he said it - I said I wished we had a bigger house/garden!

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 28/03/2017 05:29

Meh, stop seeing him when DH is away - tell him you're far too busy having lunch

Justanothernameonthepage · 28/03/2017 05:31

Or state you've found a job, and since he's been so keen for you to work, you've assumed he's OK to do holiday and sick cover for the kids when DH is away.

Original poster
Tranquiltess · 28/03/2017 05:40

Or state you've found a job, and since he's been so keen for you to work, you've assumed he's OK to do holiday and sick cover for the kids when DH is away.
Grin funny you should mention that! Was explaining how a friend in a similar position had her kids with her parents or in laws on inset days/holidays and he got very aggressive! Despite managing to get to ours early when it suited, they wouldn't be able to do it for inset days etc because they apparently lived too far away! Oh dear, I'm just having a whinge now Grin

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/03/2017 05:44

Are you happy not working full time? You sound as if you are so just ignore him. Or the the next time he says you're a lady that lunches, you could tell him you earn enough on your contracting work to pay to go out to lunch every day of the week and smile sweetly. Personally I wouldn't tell him what he says is hurtful. I would want to put him in his place. Any response telling him your marriage is none of his business is fine.

Walkacrossthesand · 28/03/2017 07:19

So, he's sniping at you for not working regularly, but aggressive when you mention hypothetically a possible role he could have in supporting you to work regularly? There speaks a man - as someone said upthread - with not a clue about the realities of juggling work and children.

Walkacrossthesand · 28/03/2017 07:23

Just thought - if DH has made a remark about you considering more regular work, is it possible he has also been moaning to PILs about you not working regularly? But if you earn the same by your occasional flat-out contracts, as you would from a week in week out slog, it's up to you which you choose, surely?

StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2017 07:25

I love "dunno" perfect answer :o

heebiejeebie · 28/03/2017 07:27

Hold on a minute - the context does matter. He wasn't just shoving his oar in - you expressed a wish for something that would probably need a higher household income.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 28/03/2017 07:32

Maybe FIL and son have spoken about him working all hours and you not doing much now the children are in full time school. For your DH to comment he is obviously not happy and likely envisaged that you would go back to work properly once the children were at school age.

FIL can still look out for his son even though he is an adult and likely knows a lot about his sons feelings.

Wanting a bigger house and garden yet doing nothing to make it happen would get most people to comment.

JellyWitch · 28/03/2017 07:35

If you can support yourselves as a family then it's nobody else's business how you juggle your time.

CactusFred · 28/03/2017 07:47

Even if you were out every lunch time drinking champagne and having three course lunches what has it got to do with him?

Tell him what for!

rollonthesummer · 28/03/2017 07:49

I would be seeing him less! Does your DH know he has said this?

Devilishpyjamas · 28/03/2017 07:50

Tell him to mind his own beeswax. Or say 'oh wonderful, are you offering to look after the kids while DH is away?'

feesh · 28/03/2017 07:52

Your OP is really defensive. Why? It's nobody else's business why you make the arrangements you do. Just ignore and rise above it. Who cares what he or anyone else thinks?

FoostyFandang · 28/03/2017 07:54

its impossible to please some people. I get the cocked eyebrow regularly because I'm not dashing about looking for work come september when Fandang Junior starts school. But it will just cause more problems than it solves TBH namely Summer - DH always being away with work - Child with SEN. You're lucky to be able to earn on your own terms, tell him to fuck off.

The80sweregreat · 28/03/2017 08:31

I hate the 'lady that lunches' thing - why is it anyones business what you do? your doing loads already and bringing in money - fil is a controlling arse, what is he like with your mil? poor woman married to him.Your all happy with the way it is and it works, he should but out and tell your dh to tell him that!

SquinkiesRule · 28/03/2017 09:02

He's a knob.
My Dh mentioned me going back to work (years ago when the first two started school) I said I would so long as he stopped doing long hours and was home more. He said he would.
I went back he continued to do long hours, lots of excuses. I kept it up doing it all for a few years and quit again. Dh was much happier so were the boys, house kept, me there as everyones personal secretarty and I started meeting my friends for lunch, so I became a lady who lunches (weekly) I have no guilt at all about doing that, it's what worked for the family and worked well.
No ones bloody business but yours and Dh's
Now Dh is home and I work, no one says a word. It's what works for us.

CurlsandCurves · 28/03/2017 09:48

According to most of the women in DHs family I 'sit around on my arse doing nothing all day'. Told this by the one female member of his family who actually understands the reasons why I am a sahm.

I take great delight in dropping their comment about me innocently into conversation with them and watching them squirm. 'Oh well, what do I know, I just sit around on my arse doing nothing all day...'

DeadGood · 28/03/2017 10:00

Next time he asks, say "what do you mean?" Force him to explain himself. Press him as to who would look after the kids. Having children isn't a convenient excuse - they literally need to be looked after ALL THE TIME. They don't blink out of existence when you're not available. Childcare is expensive. Ask him what his wife did when your DH was young. Looked after for free by a relative? Looked after at home by his wife? Which was it? Is it available to you?

Seriously, he is mouthing off and thinks he knows the situation because he has never had to look after kids. He doesn't understand it. Make him understand it.

DeadGood · 28/03/2017 10:01

"Ask him what he and his wife did for childcare when your DH was young."