To think I'm not actually a lazy 'lady who lunches'?

[Tranquiltess]

(I'm looking at you, FIL!)

Background: I worked in a professional setting since graduating, right up until my youngest was about one. DH works away a lot, given the nature of his job, he can be away for months at a time and is often away just through the week as well. As this isn't always known well in advance, and isn't constant, full time after/before school care wouldn't be cost effective, short term (short notice) child care is difficult. As my job required work in the evenings and weekends, it was increasingly difficult to juggle everything while DH was away for long periods, as there wasn't anyone to help out with pick up/inset days/sick days, etc. So....

I have been a (mostly) SAHM for the past few years, but regularly volunteer at school AND have always done contract work. This is the bit I wanted to ask about. I am able to do professional contract work in total about 3 months of the year. I really enjoy the mental stimulation, although it is a really intense work period with tight deadlines - I am literally working every waking moment apart from eating/sleeping/organising kids, etc. It's definitely not sustainable long term even if the work was available, and if DH is away during this time it is extremely stressful trying to complete without any adult assistance with kids/household. But I do enjoy it, and it's good money. In fact, the money I make for the approx 3 months is equivalent to what I would earn doing a 3 hour shift 4 days a week in retail (which is the only job I have seen recently that I could possibly qualify for and would fit with our family at the moment) OVER NEARLY 10 MONTHS!
I am completely happy going back to work when the kids are a bit more independent (early primary atm) and/or DH isn't working away as much. I enjoy the contract work, I don't think I would enjoy shift work, which would then come with all the associated difficulties when DH is away again.
However, FIL has expressed his opinion that I'm just a 'lady who lunches' and has implied that I am lazy for not working now, despite earning as above, running the house, and volunteering. Of course, he has only said this directly to me while DH is away. I find his views personally offensive. I don't go out for coffee/lunch every day and spend loads of money, so it's not like I don't contribute financially overall. AIBU, am I lazy, or should I be deliberately making life difficult for myself for slightly more money in a regular job? WWYD?

I think there's some blokes who like maintain their opinion of themselves as utter heroes for going out to work while in their heads their wives were out having a lovely holiday of a life. It's the same guys that carefully avoid ever doing any solo childcare in case they discover anything that might contradict that view.

This shit drives me up the fucking wall. Nobody else gets their lives subjected to fly-by time and motion studies the way mothers do. See when I was working, I had a nice job, I worked 35 hours a week and my boss would try to ensure that we took any banked overtime in the form of long lunches/coming in early or late. Now, I don't work and my kids are in kindergarten so I am actually an official lady who lunches. But I work longer hours than when I was in actual work! I spend an hour in the morning getting the kids breakfast and ready for kindergarten and taking them there. They come home at 2, and are in bed by 8. Plus I spend let's say an hour a day cleaning up after them, making their packed lunches and arranging GP appointments and stuff like that. That's 8 hours' work a day. And maybe I'm doing it wrong, but I find it a damn sight more stressful than fiddling with spreadsheets.

Ask him what he and his wife did for childcare when your DH was young.

^ this. x1000
My father thinks I have emasculated my husband because he helps around the house when he is not away with work. I have lost count of the number of times I have pointed out that my mother has never worked.

You are justifying yourself a lot in your post OP and you really don't need to. It works for you and your family and you're happy, what else matters? I'm a SAHM to a baby and toddler and don't work at all, who cares what small minded people think.

OP - reread your post as if it were written by someone else. Would you judge that woman? Think she's lazy? Not really earning her keep? Sponging off her husband? I'd bet you wouldn't - yet you are worrying that's what people think of you. With the exception of your fil (who is clearly a dick) I bet no one thinks badly of you, however even if they did, your life, your business. Be proud of yourself and what you do.

I agree with the other posters re your fil - next time you see him tell him you've been offered a job but will need him to be on standby to cover childcare for you when DH is away/school holidays/when kids are ill, just say you thought out of politeness you'd check he's ok with that before accepting the job

And another perspective - please leave the p/t school hours jobs for those who really need or want them!
You neither need the money nor want the job so why get it from someone who does.

And another perspective - please leave the p/t school hours jobs for those who really need or want them!
You neither need the money nor want the job so why get it from someone who does.

I see your point museumum. Although it would be nice to have a house with bigger kids' bedrooms (which are tiny atm) before they're teenagers. In which case I'll have to get something else whether I like it or not, as we don't have money to 'upgrade'.

Ask him what he and his wife did for childcare when your DH was young.

Already know this one. She stopped work completely with the first kid, then went back when last kid went to school, and a friend took them in until she got back from work.

It's reassuring to read comments from ppl who haven't felt pressured into doing everything ( ie job+everything else) if they've been able to get by without needing the money. Totally agree that picking up a job sometimes causes more problems than it solves, which is largely unrecognised as it's the same person who sorts out the problems as well eg sick days, childcare etc. I think I'm probably assuming I should be able to 'do it all', all the time....the curse of the modern mum? Thanks for helping me feel less guilty about not managing this! Will have to practice snappy comebacks

Good for you op. I am also dying to know what your work is :o

I have a husband who doesn't travel but works similar hours and I take up all the slack at home. I also work from home in a professional role. I had my nails done this morning and I'm going to my youngest's school show this afternoon. I do most drop offs and pick ups and can pop over to friends for coffee if I need to. My parents make the same comments to me and treat my work as a joke but in the last 2 days I've also submitted 2 pieces of work for clients and billed them £2k for the pleasure. I've currently got about another £1k to bill over the next week or so. If people think I'm skiving and lazy, let them feel free to. I don't care and your FIL has no right to say that to you either. You do what works for you and your family and f*ck anyone who dares say different.

I would just pat him on the arm and say sweetly, " Oh how lucky we are to have you to guide us through life," and move onto another topic.
What a peach.

If you can earn that much in 3 months, good luck to you and well done. Why on earth would you even consider a part-time shift job seemingly just on the basis of what FIL has said?

you really shouldn't need to ask AIBU here - of course you're not. But if FIL ever says anything like that again, please call him out on it. It's desperately rude and disrespectful. I'd simply say in response "I work extremely hard both professionally and in the home and I find that quite insulting." If he persists, you could always 'come clean' and say you earn more in 3 months' work than you could doing 10 months' 'normal' shift work and [tinkly laugh] you don't quite see the economic benefit of doing that.

In short, you sound like an intelligent and diligent person - don't let someone else devalue what you do (which sounds like a lot to me!) and who you are.

I would have said something like

" oh im just lucky I guess, I earn in 1 shift what people have to work a month for" and breezily smile and walk off

then he can think your a smug , lazy woman instead (which would make me happy)

Is your husband happy with the arrangement? If he is it doesn't matter what your "d" FiL thinks and he should tell him to butt out.

If your dh is not happy, tell him to changes jobs so he is available for childcare 2.5 days during the week (and that includes early mornings, late afternoons, evenings and nights, not 9-5pm). Then you can work.

Yes if DH feels the same way then it would need a serious review. But FIL could just be meddling.

Why doesn't he come right out and tell you how lucky you are to have a husband like his son and how grateful you should be, so don't fritter away any of his money, because you need to work for what you want. Never mind £££s you save on childcare or the money you pull in when you do work.

It's really none of his business. Even if you really were a lazy who lunches, so what?

I was a SAHW for some years before we had kids... to people who commented on how lucky I am (sarcastic or not), I always replied back that indeed I married a very capable and kind husband who lets me do whatever I want!

funny you should mention that! Was explaining how a friend in a similar position had her kids with her parents or in laws on inset days/holidays and he got very aggressive! Despite managing to get to ours early when it suited, they wouldn't be able to do it for inset days etc because they apparently lived too far away
Hang on a minute, you mean FIL doesn't work? Lazy bastard..........

Ah you appear to have my FIL's twin brother. My condolences.
I apparently was living the high life courtesy of his son. I earned twice as much but obviously that wasn't relevant.
Twat

Silly knob! He's undermining you behind your dhs back. Typical mysogynistic behaviour.

When your dh is there and mil ask dil loudly what he meant by the comments and see him squirm.

I bloody love being a sahm. With my looking after my kids my grandkids and my dotty parents work would drive me over the edge.

Ignore him.
You are doing what is right for you and your family, and very successfully too by the sound of it.

Your fil has absolutely no right to say anything to you anyway.

I hope you do get out for lunch with friends by the way. It might get lonely for you otherwise as your husband is away so much, so you need the company of adult friends sometimes.

"Ask him what he and his wife did for childcare when your DH was young.

Already know this one. She stopped work completely with the first kid, then went back when last kid went to school, and a friend took them in until she got back from work."

You're missing the point - you have to MAKE him say the words "my wife didn't work when our children were young."

And once he has said those words, you can tilt your head to the side and explain gently but firmly, as if to a toddler, "and that is what I am doing, FIL."

I have a dh who works away a lot and I will soon resign from my job because it's become too difficult to sort out short notice childcare, as well as take time off when a dc is ill. I'm basically prioritising my family so dh can do what he has to do. That's ok as his earning power is far greater. However I am dreading telling the pils as when I was a sahm in the past, they used to make little digs about what did I do all day etc and about spending dh's money. It does piss me off but I know it's right for me, dh and our dcs and deep down I think there's a bit of jealousy that dh can provide such a good lifestyle for his family while their other useless son depends on his wife.

Thank you, you all have really good points to make, hopefully I'll be on the ball enough to use them next time the situation arises. Very perceptive about him thinking I'm frittering away dh's money...was once at IL house overnight, I was coming downstairs after putting kids to bed and overheard the tail end of a conversation, dh was saying rather indignantly to FIL " why shouldn't she go to the gym?" (he could go at work for free , I had started paying for a local gym to try and lose weight with youngest using the creche) went back upstairs, can't remember any more of the conversation now. But that really stuck with me. Especially when I asked dh the next morning and he denied anything had been said at all
bestthing good luck with that, obviously plenty of us here know how it can be the best decision for the family, even if IL don't ....maybe a few comments on here would be useful for you too?

Ignore him.

His opinion counts for nothing.
You are to be admired OP for finding a life/work/ money balance that you enjoy.
I was in a similar situation- OH with a good job, often works away, no family support- really hard to fit in caring for kids, but I managed to work out a way of earning while working at home, fitting around school etc.

I loved the balance so much that it became a permanent situation, my kids are teens now and I still only work 15-20 hours a week and earn a good full time salary.

I have had a neighbour commenting as she sees me flying in and out of the house with shopping, going to the gym etc, she assumes I don't work at all- which is fine with me.

Our home life is calm and relaxed, good food on the table, I get time to myself, no one is frazzled.

I don't really= want a "proper" job.

I am a sahm, gave up work for Ds, do everything in the house and am a part time carer for mum. My sil passed comment that I had an easy life. This is from a woman who has a cleaner a few times a week to look after her house, her children are in boarding school, eats out a couple of times a week and has no commitments, swaning into work as and when she feels like ( family business). I was fuming! She has no idea how my days are spent. Then I realised.... she is judging me by HER standards!

None of his business

Although given that for nine months of the year you are a SAHM to kids who go the school, you're hardly ready for sainthood just yet