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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I'm not actually a lazy 'lady who lunches'?

148 replies

Tranquiltess · 28/03/2017 00:01

(I'm looking at you, FIL!)

Background: I worked in a professional setting since graduating, right up until my youngest was about one. DH works away a lot, given the nature of his job, he can be away for months at a time and is often away just through the week as well. As this isn't always known well in advance, and isn't constant, full time after/before school care wouldn't be cost effective, short term (short notice) child care is difficult. As my job required work in the evenings and weekends, it was increasingly difficult to juggle everything while DH was away for long periods, as there wasn't anyone to help out with pick up/inset days/sick days, etc. So....

I have been a (mostly) SAHM for the past few years, but regularly volunteer at school AND have always done contract work. This is the bit I wanted to ask about. I am able to do professional contract work in total about 3 months of the year. I really enjoy the mental stimulation, although it is a really intense work period with tight deadlines - I am literally working every waking moment apart from eating/sleeping/organising kids, etc. It's definitely not sustainable long term even if the work was available, and if DH is away during this time it is extremely stressful trying to complete without any adult assistance with kids/household. But I do enjoy it, and it's good money. In fact, the money I make for the approx 3 months is equivalent to what I would earn doing a 3 hour shift 4 days a week in retail (which is the only job I have seen recently that I could possibly qualify for and would fit with our family at the moment) OVER NEARLY 10 MONTHS!
I am completely happy going back to work when the kids are a bit more independent (early primary atm) and/or DH isn't working away as much. I enjoy the contract work, I don't think I would enjoy shift work, which would then come with all the associated difficulties when DH is away again.
However, FIL has expressed his opinion that I'm just a 'lady who lunches' and has implied that I am lazy for not working now, despite earning as above, running the house, and volunteering. Of course, he has only said this directly to me while DH is away. I find his views personally offensive. I don't go out for coffee/lunch every day and spend loads of money, so it's not like I don't contribute financially overall. AIBU, am I lazy, or should I be deliberately making life difficult for myself for slightly more money in a regular job? WWYD?

OP posts:
WashBasketsAreUs · 28/03/2017 21:59

Not quite in your situation but similar. I work 2 short shifts a week, the rest of my time is my own. ( Ha ha ha! )
I look after my grandson various days, depending when my daughter works (that varies and can be short notice, as in Monday she can be asked to work Tuesday.) I also look after my other grandchildren when needed and sometimes two at a time! (2 x3 year old boys, anyone? )
Anyway, when I'm not doing that I do all the housework apart from the cooking (hubby does that) all the shopping, the washing, the house administration etc. My hubby works full time. (So I don't have to)
I get beyond pissed off when my kids say I only work 8 hours a week (that's not the one who's little one I look after, I hasten to add! ) I do things for my other children, who are actually grown up and working and should appreciate that time in paid work is not necessarily a measure of the value of the things I do.
One of the kids had a bit of a rough time with her ex last year, good job I wasn't "working" so I had time to work my fingers to the bone sorting out the shit situation she had been left in. She doesn't make the "you only work 8 hours a week " comment now!

KERALA1 · 28/03/2017 22:07

My mil described my earnings as "abit of pocket money". I am a solicitor Hmm

Justanothernameonthepage · 28/03/2017 22:12

* Was explaining how a friend in a similar position had her kids with her parents or in laws on inset days/holidays and he got very aggressive! Despite managing to get to ours early when it suited, they wouldn't be able to do it for inset days etc because they apparently lived too far away! * Easy solution is for you to drop them off the night before Wink

Original poster
Tranquiltess · 28/03/2017 22:16

Although given that for nine months of the year you are a SAHM to kids who go the school, you're hardly ready for sainthood just yet
Never said I was a saint Smile. Although given how hard I work during those three months (in order to make that money) I maybe feel it evens out a bit and compensates for at least one or two of those nine Wink

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 28/03/2017 22:20

Wow kerala dear thay almost sounds like a proper job. You know, like men have
;)

MimsyFluff · 28/03/2017 23:08

MIl told DH "Fluff should be working again now! Not sat down all day playing with a baby!" DC1 was 3 weeks old Hmm she hasn't worked since finding out she was pregnant and her DM had all 3DC 4 days a week

miserableandinpain · 28/03/2017 23:21

You are not lazy at all. And even if you were a 'lady who lunches' it really isnt anything to do with him. Well done op keep up the good work and ignore the old sod

Original poster
Tranquiltess · 28/03/2017 23:21

Fluff hmm, there seems to be a lot of that going on...have their memories become hazy with age or something? Or do they suddenly think there's more opportunity for child friendly jobs nowadays? (or is it because we have it easy at home now with convenience food, vacuum cleaners, washing machines and dishwashers etc....I've heard all this too Grin)

OP posts:
Original poster
Tranquiltess · 28/03/2017 23:23

Oh, and thx miserable Smile I posted on top of yours and didn't see it

OP posts:
Original poster
Tranquiltess · 28/03/2017 23:24

kerala genuinely Confused

OP posts:
RubyBluesey · 28/03/2017 23:25

Tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck!

geordiedench · 28/03/2017 23:43

How about very pleasantly and patiently and earnestly boring the fucking pants off him by womansplaining to him that someone needs to make the children's breakfast and packed lunches and sort out their school clothes and get them ready and take them to school and tidy up the kitchen and buy the food for the week and do the laundry and sort out forms that need filling in and wait in for deliveries and pay the window cleaner and mop the floors and put the shopping away andf hang out the laundry and fix play dates and dental appointments and collect children from school and discuss things with their teachers and cart children to after school classes and cook tea and tidy up after tea and supervise bath time and mop bathroom floor afterwards and get children into PJs and check they cleaned their teeth and learned their spellings and read them a bedtime story and listen to them read to you and you also work three months a year where you.... and voluntary jobs where you....
Bore him into silence or apology. And every time he mentions it, gently, patiently enjoy womansplaining very slowly all over again.

ThisAintALoveSong · 28/03/2017 23:50

Look at him square in the eye and tell him the story of the last person who said this to you.

'I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice chianti'. Then walk away.

reluctantlondoner · 29/03/2017 07:58

That is outrageous! YANBU at all! Well done you, it sounds like you do a great job.

LaurieMarlow · 29/03/2017 08:29

He sounds like a misogynistic dick and stupid to boot.

Has he ever held down a demanding job while shouldering all the domestic and child related responsibilities? Uh, don't think so.

Tell him he should be in awe at your ability to land an extremely well paying contract while also picking up all the slack your DH leaves for you.

Many men have no fucking idea. He sounds particularly clueless.

happypoobum · 29/03/2017 17:55

I would have told him to fuck off.

Disclaimer: My XPILS didn't like me very much Grin

Agree with PP - cut back the contact, especially when DH is away and tell them the bare minimum.

diddl · 29/03/2017 17:57

Do you have to see him when your husband is away?

If not, I'd be tempted not to.

If you do, I think I'd merely tell him that you have no interest in his opinion on what you do day to day.

Is it possible that your husband has said anything at all?

DawnSharpe · 29/03/2017 17:57

I suggest you get your horrible sounding FIL to look after your kids and do contract work for weeks on end and then he can have an opinion on whether or not you're a 'lady who lunches'! My husband was away for months on end when my ds was small, I also worked freelance plus was mum and dad to my ds dealing with everything life threw at us so I know exactly where you're coming from.

Craigie · 29/03/2017 17:58

Tell your FIL to jog on. He's probably not berating his son for putting his career ahead of his family is he? Is He suggesting that he'd take over the childcare so you can work full time? No, so he can fuck off. The way you and your husband arrange your family is bugger all to do with anyone else.

damewithaname · 29/03/2017 18:02

Ohhhhhhh the OUTLAWS!!!!! But I bet they don't give you much positive feedback...

Tveflick · 29/03/2017 18:03

I'd tell him where to go! If he wants you to get a job tell him he's to look after the children, bet he soon changes his mind.

Mmest75 · 29/03/2017 18:04

I agree with the above - you don't have to justify yourself. It's s family choice you have made.
We have a similar situation and opted for me to SAH.i Dont contract or anything either.
It's one if those myths - lunching .... I know lots of SAHM but I don't really know any that are out lunching. My children are young and of course I appreciate I will have more time when they are school ... and hey who knows but hopefully a few lunches.
There is a guilt initially with SAH ( especially when you had a good career) and I did struggle at first. I have overcome that, and I do feel fortunate to be able to SAH and for us it allows some family time at the weekend which we struggled with before as the reality is foid shopping, trips to BBQ, haircuts, new shoes and of course house work have to be done and we found that's all weekends were for us

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/03/2017 18:08

If he speaks to and about you like this, why do you even bother seeing him while DH isn't around? Unless there's a really positive aspect to his personality that you haven't mentioned, I would be tempted to cold shoulder him from now on. He sounds like a total dick and not someone you want influencing your children.

Lovelymess · 29/03/2017 18:14

Ignore! Sounds like a twat (sorry!) and her your OH to have a word

Venchi · 29/03/2017 18:20

ignore!

Every single book I used to pick up, my xfil would say ''chick lit?" and he wasn't even trying to wind me up.

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