To think I'm not actually a lazy 'lady who lunches'?

[Tranquiltess]

(I'm looking at you, FIL!)

Background: I worked in a professional setting since graduating, right up until my youngest was about one. DH works away a lot, given the nature of his job, he can be away for months at a time and is often away just through the week as well. As this isn't always known well in advance, and isn't constant, full time after/before school care wouldn't be cost effective, short term (short notice) child care is difficult. As my job required work in the evenings and weekends, it was increasingly difficult to juggle everything while DH was away for long periods, as there wasn't anyone to help out with pick up/inset days/sick days, etc. So....

I have been a (mostly) SAHM for the past few years, but regularly volunteer at school AND have always done contract work. This is the bit I wanted to ask about. I am able to do professional contract work in total about 3 months of the year. I really enjoy the mental stimulation, although it is a really intense work period with tight deadlines - I am literally working every waking moment apart from eating/sleeping/organising kids, etc. It's definitely not sustainable long term even if the work was available, and if DH is away during this time it is extremely stressful trying to complete without any adult assistance with kids/household. But I do enjoy it, and it's good money. In fact, the money I make for the approx 3 months is equivalent to what I would earn doing a 3 hour shift 4 days a week in retail (which is the only job I have seen recently that I could possibly qualify for and would fit with our family at the moment) OVER NEARLY 10 MONTHS!
I am completely happy going back to work when the kids are a bit more independent (early primary atm) and/or DH isn't working away as much. I enjoy the contract work, I don't think I would enjoy shift work, which would then come with all the associated difficulties when DH is away again.
However, FIL has expressed his opinion that I'm just a 'lady who lunches' and has implied that I am lazy for not working now, despite earning as above, running the house, and volunteering. Of course, he has only said this directly to me while DH is away. I find his views personally offensive. I don't go out for coffee/lunch every day and spend loads of money, so it's not like I don't contribute financially overall. AIBU, am I lazy, or should I be deliberately making life difficult for myself for slightly more money in a regular job? WWYD?

If he says anything again tell him you're worried about his judgement, he seems unable to read a situation accurately.

If you want to eat chocolates and lie on the sofa all day it's none of business!

With people like this, I find it best to limit the amount of information they know about me. I wouldn't discuss anything that could be criticised so friends, lunches, gym, work, etc. are all out of bounds. In fact, I would probably invent an imaginary freelance job for the other nine months of the year. "Come over for tea? Oh sorry, I've got to finish off a report that night." Lather, rinse, repeat....

I think a three month contract that would pay the equivalent of a regular part time retail job is very sensible. You don't have to justify that to anyone least of all your FIL who probably worked 9 to 5 and is now very happily living on his final salary pension with his wife who probably barely worked at all...

Finances permitting, I think if you can't be a lady who lunches at least a little bit whilst being a SAHM of children who are at school, then you're doing it wrong.

It's a lovely position to be in (assuming you're not chomping at the bit to get back into the rat race), and not one that is likely to last forever.

As someone who worked FT within weeks of her dc starting school, I say relish it! :)

OP take no notice whatsoever! If you were working your FIL would probably accuse you of neglecting your home, husband and DC. You can't win actually.
I haven't worked outside the home for 13 years. Youngest DC now in Year 4. I also have a cleaner twice a week. However, between 3pm and 11pm I literally don't stop and never sit down. I obviously have time in the day, but always seem to be busy with something.
No need to justify anything as long as your family are happy!

No you are not. I work a couple of days a week and my DH is home every evening and I'm still bloody knackered. Your FIL is being a dickhead. He's got no idea.

If you and DH are happy with your arrangement, then its none of his business! No explanation needed/required. But I would ask DH to tell FiL to butt out.

I get so fed up for hearing these random judgemental remarks such as your FIl's. Who cares if you are a lady who lunches if it works for your family. It says SO much more about them than about us.
The other day a friend asked what i did all day (I think a friend) and I have two jobs, a house renovation, a dog a 5yr old and 10Yr old at a school with no after school clubs. Obviously I should have said that I am a lady who lunches!

I have a FIL that disapproves of me working. Just rise above it and ignore him as his ridiculous opinions as I do with mine.

Ask him if he is offering to do round the clock childcare while you work. If not tell him keep his opinions to himself

I haven't read the whole thread, however, I'm so sorry that anyone would be so rude to you never mind a family member. My dh works minimum 10 hours day 5 days a week and 2/3rds of the year more than that and some of that time much much much more. I decided not to go back to work after dd2 simply because we decided it wasn't worth the hassle and stress. Financially we'd have been better off, but similarly I had a professional job that required a lot of commitment and was stressful and I wasn't enjoying it anymore... possibly because of the way it impacted on family life. You are making a legitimate contribution to your household. Your dh couldn't do what he does without your support. Also more money isn't the be all and end all. I've said to several people when they've (more politely than your fil) questioned my decision; yes I could have gone back to work but it seemed silly to put ourselves through the hassle and stress just so we could buy more 'things'. Try to put others judgements out your mind and enjoy life with your children.

Sounds like an irritating twit. Did you tell him, that whilst you do earn a considerable amount actually, you are also facilitating his largely absent son's career and bringing up his children.
Was/ is his wife a "lady who lunches" and he has been simmering in resentment for decades?????

This makes me so cross! Unless he is subsidising your families lifestyle (sounds like he isn't) then it's absolutely none of his or anyone else's business! I'm a SAHM and do a few hours cleaning for friends a week, my hubby works long hours/weekends too, we have two children under 10. I work damn hard Inside the house and out, and used to get a few comments such as "when are you getting a job then" don't you get bored etc....its so rude!
Sometimes you HAVE to answer back, no need to explain yourself but give as good as you get xx

Sometimes I think the only fucking acceptable "lifestyle" is the one utterly utterly impossible to achieve - full time job, whilst fragrantly managing a house, collecting children from school, whilst maintaining said job, fulfilling children's practical and emotional needs and all the school shit that goes on, food bought and cooked from scratch every night and a thriving social life and marriage.

IMPOSSIBLE!!! You either have a big job and lots of childcare or you or DH step back abit to manage the rest of the stuff. Yet if women (not men it seems) veer from this made up perfection men like this FIL snipe - something is wrong either you are a "lady who lunches" or you are a "career woman" implicit criticism neglecting the kids.

Disclaimer - I haven't read all responses, but you ask, "WWYD?" &, having been in a very similar position to you, I would:
Not take it personally, FiL obviously doesn't have a clue
Laugh and agree with him next time he mentions it, perhaps throwing in the name of a local soft play near you where you last had your "leisurely" lunch
Start being proud of the huge amount you achieve on a daily basis (never mind, weekly, monthly, yearly, until DCs are more independent.

Big up OP, well done you!

He's a FIL. Just growl, ignore him and move on! When I stayed at home I was lazy, now I work I'm not dedicating enough time to my family... lose/lose 😂

You sound like superwoman OP!
Fil sounds like a twunt.
I think I'd be tempted, as the last poster said to just agree with him.hes clearly too pig ignorant to understand the intricacies of what you actually do so its easier and less stressful to just say 'yes I am and I love it' and see what he has to say to that.
And do mention it to your husband too so he knows what a twerp his old man is being about it all.

I think OH also ought to keep tum about things - it seems the bigger house and garden thing got to him and he mentioned it to FiL who has turned nasty.

I think it might be worthwhile (when you're not lunching) to sit down with a spreadsheet and work out full-time work v cost of nanny/childcare/cleaner/cover for w/es when both working etc. Being honest. I know someone in the south paying £35000 for a competent nanny not living in just so both parents can work full time but it doesn't cover the frequent lates/weekends/odd sickness for either. Present it to DH with querying look (he might pass it on to DFil. it might also help you work out cover for the well paid contract work.

PickAChew took the words out of my mouth.

And not sure when these idiots out there will realise that SAHM is a bloody job it's a full time job. The fact that you manage / are able to do some other job that's not family related is very good. Your husband is able to work away and work full time because you take care of the things that he doesn't have to do while out working and when you work he helps out so why can't idiot FIL along with other idiots see that?

Agree with Mommy2Ash Kerala1 milliemolliemou whatkatiedidnext31
Pretty good life and Bluebelltippytoes and so many other posters you all have said it well.

I've just returned to the thread and read the Op's update where she overheard her dh say to her fil 'Why shouldn't she go to the gym?' He sounds like a nasty interfering old bastard. I think you need to develop rhinoceros skin with him!

Sounds a little like you're not being true to yourself. The only opinion that really matters is yours, not your fil's or anyone else's. do you think you're being a lazy lady that lunches?
I work full time (well, only 37hrs) but due to my company, finish at lunchtime on Fridays. I still get the same comments about swanning around out for lunch. And let's be clear, I never go out for lunch, don't go to the gym and frankly have too many jobs at home to do (I'm also too tight to spend the money, especially when it's a lot cheaper to make a sandwich at home and would rather spend the money on family days out).
So, you can't win. There'll always be people that judge. You choose whether to listen to them, stand up to them or just ignore them.

The next time FIL makes a comment about you not working AGREE with him.
Tell him you have been on to your husband to request he changes his job so that he can take on 50% of the parenting and home role
You are SO glad he is on board and ask him to be sure to have this conversation with your dh and encourage him to climb down the career ladder in order that you can climb back up the ladder.
If he ever mentions it again talk about the amazing job offer you have had and again urge him to talk to your dh so that you can be free to take up the job which will only be possible with HIS SON taking a step off the ladder so that he can help out at home.

My FIL is always full of ignorant opinions. You need to humour him and don't take anything too seriously or personally and appreciate that he's probably getting a little old and senile 🙈😂🙏!! I used fume in silence but now I brush it off and give as good as I get. E.g. He turned up at my house moaning about 'bloody kids and dogs' so I responded with a 'bloody grandparents'!! Don't stress over it, it is unnecessary but he's probably just bored!

Your family life, you and your husbands decision. If you can make ends meet and aren't going cap in hand to your family to bail you out financially then what's it to do with him. Why push yourself when it's not a requirement I just don't get it, it sounds like it would be a disadvantage to you all if you worked at the moment. Your fil is a douche