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Original poster

WIBU To contact his Parents?

125 replies

frizzfactor · 26/03/2017 21:47

Long post so I'm sorry in advance!

I have a nearly one year old. She was the loveliest accident to ever happen, and her father and I have been seeing each other on and off for around 7 years. In that time he told me that he had broken up with the partner he was with when I first met him. The details around that are somewhat fudgey.

Anyway, I found out I was pregnant and told him immediately at 4 weeks. I gave him the option of walking away, I am financially independent and do not need that help particularly (although it of course helps). He decided he would stick around, and that he and I would try and make things work with each other. We would meet each other's parents and he would be open with people about our situation.

Fast forward to 31 weeks pregnant, and after hardly seeing him for one excuse after another, I asked if he would rather we just did this as friends. It was embarrassing how quickly he confirmed that would be his preference.

Baby is born, and he turns up to the hospital once again full of promises of being around. It was perfect for 2 weeks until he started pleading various reasons for not being around. This sort of ineffective contact continued up until around a month ago, when something I saw on social media (why does anyone think they can get away with anything these days?!) made me do some digging.

I ended up confronting him, and it turns out, he has lied to everyone about me and baby. His parents have no idea she or I exist. His 'ex' is still living in his house, although he insists they are split. I do not believe him for a second.

As I let my anger subside, I'm left with this question: What about his parents? Do I contact them? I have their email address, and I know their residential address, so I could easily do so.

The reason I'm torn is pretty obvious, do I want to invite them into my and her life? There is a part of me that thinks they and she both deserve to have a relationship, and it isn't really up to me to deny either party that. On the flip side, they've raised a manchild who thinks he can treat people with such disdain and behave with such cowardice.

There is a horrible part of me that wants to expose him and his vileness, especially as he is currently being lauded around as 'the most amazing guy', for doing some charity work.

My anger resides with the audacity of the man, and the devastation for my beautiful daughter who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. He has said out loud more than once that he doesn't love her. I am beyond dismayed at the idea that the very first man in her life has discarded her so easily, and I desperately need to protect her from the impact of that.

So with that in mind, what would you do?

OP posts:
Ragdoll545 · 26/03/2017 21:50

I think it mostly depends on how much involvement you want from his parents? Do you want them to be actively in your daughters life? Do you want him in her life when it sounds like he doesn't want that at all? Tricky situation for you. You sound like a wonderful mother though and I'm sure what you decide will be best for your little girl

pullingmyhairout1 · 26/03/2017 21:51

Is he on the birth certificate? If not I'd be tempted to not open that can of worms. I know they have a right to know but I actually think that as your child grows you should be led by their wish. So no secrets from her iyswim.

Original poster
frizzfactor · 26/03/2017 21:56

Thanks Ragdoll, that's lovely of you to say so. I'm not sure re involvement, but who am I to deny them a grandchild? Re him, right now not so much, his words as much as his actions have been incredibly wounding, and I'm not sure it's a good thing for her to be exposed to that.

Pulling - Yes he is. And I do see what you mean, I am just so unsure!

OP posts:
BonnyScotland · 26/03/2017 22:00

expose this creep..... what's the worst that can happen.... your daughter is young enough to be rejected without pain .. if that happens x

QuiteLikely5 · 26/03/2017 22:06

it looks to me like you are the OW and you are now wondering about exposing your existence?!

Although I do appreciate that you are saying you weren't aware that you were the OW

If you are going to do this best do it ASAP rather than wait otherwise you will look guilty

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 26/03/2017 22:10

Dc manage perfectly well without GPS. And much better having a dm that isn't stressed or dealing with an arse hole useless ex and a family that accept he is such.
Enjoy your dd and don't give any of them a thought. .

Armadillostoes · 26/03/2017 22:11

Hi OP I am so sorry that this has happened and you sound a lovely and caring mum. You are clearly more invested in your daughter's wellbeing that anger towards the pathetic manchild who is her biological father, which speaks highly of you. Given that this family is part of her genetic and personal story, it would be good to give her the chance of a relationship with her grandparents.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2017 22:14

I can see why you would do this or want to. I also understand why you are hesitating. And you don't know how they will react. What he will tell them.

Seven years together is a long time. I'm not sure you really didn't know he was still with his "ex" it would be normal for you to visit his home if in a relationship. And if you had done so, you'd have known she lived there. So the relationship was not a normal one. You never even met his parents,

It reads to me like you both had an affair for several years and you knew it was an affair, you fell pregnant, hoped it may drive you together and are now angry to realise it's done the opposite. Basically it's over with him.

His parents may chose not to get involved. I don't think you want them to know for your child's sake. Which doesn't mean you are wrong to tell them. But I would think carefully about this.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 26/03/2017 22:15

Honestly, I think you will end up painted as the bad guy. He will feed them a load of crap, they will swallow it because why would they trust the word of some random woman they have never met and your daughter wouldn't get the grandparent relationship that you think.

But, I'd want to fuck his life up. I wouldn't particular want to be his dirty little secret whilst his wife and parents live in blissful ignorance.

Bluntness100 · 26/03/2017 22:15

Is his name on the birth certificate op?

Chickiwick · 26/03/2017 22:16

What if they're awful? They've managed to bring up your douche of an ex - no guarantees they'll be a positive addition.

FrogsSpawnofSanta · 26/03/2017 22:16

I was in a similar situation when my ds was born. Father announced he wasn't going to tell his parents and family early on in the pregnancy. I left it up to him, thought he's an adult it is his decision, he will tell them himself when he is ready. He did eventually tell them when my son was 10 months old, I don't know what made him tell them but he did.

Ds' grandfather, although in a very nice way, held me partially responsible for them not being told. His aunt regularly bemoans the fact that they didn't get to see him as a new baby. Knowing what I know now then I would have tracked them down and told them I gave birth. I think they and your child's grandparents had a right to know.

BonnyScotland is right, do it now whilst your child is young enough to not be hurt by possible rejection.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 26/03/2017 22:20

Bluntness you're making a lot of assumptions there based on no real evidence.

Unless you think they're likely to cause you trouble, I'd consider contacting them OP. Trouble is, it's difficult to assess as you can't rely on anything he's told you.

TheCakes · 26/03/2017 22:20

I'd probably write a letter and put a photo in. Let them know she exists and leave contact details and the ball in their court. I wouldn't expect too much, but you've done your bit then.

Starlight2345 · 26/03/2017 22:23

I have to say I wouldn't open a can of worms..It does sound like you are the OW..Your child would not be accepted as part of this family in the conventional way..So no I wouldn't

Original poster
frizzfactor · 26/03/2017 22:23

I absolutely did not know I was the 'other woman'. I would NEVER knowingly do that to anyone, having had it done to me. 7 years on and off, probably more off than on if you added it up. He had a wonderful array of reasons why I never went to his house on the occasions I bought it up, and my own situation meant it didn't arise as an option very often.

I would certainly never inflict a fatherless existence on any child. I am genuinely not bothered about my and his relationship. I had a lightbulb moment a few weeks before the digging when I realised he had been emotionally abusing me. Calling me crazy if I voiced any concerns, keeping me isolated away from his friends and family (I live in a different town to him, close but not close enough for it to seem odd)etc etc. It was that moment that my rose tinted specs fell off and I started watching for things.

I absolutely have no need or desire to tell his parents for my sake, if I had, I would have contacted them when I was pregnant, or a lot earlier.

This is a genuine heartfelt dilemma. I don't care if I never see him again, but it's not about me.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 26/03/2017 22:26

Go for it , I think they have a right know they have a dgd and she has a right to know them bless her , if you don't tell them then you will never know, if they don't want to know then you haven't lost anything. I am not saying this to get back at him I am saying this because I know that I would want to know if it were my dgd , Good luck op

228agreenend · 26/03/2017 22:27

Thecake suggestion is good. why don't you send them a picture of her on her first birthday, or invite them over to meet her on her first birthday. Maybe not for her party (if she's having one) but for coffee and cake.

ImperialBlether · 26/03/2017 22:28

I think at some point the grandparents need to know. I would tell them now, right from the beginning. It would be really difficult to do it when your child is older.

Frankly, he's a disgrace and I think your letter to his parents should be absolutely truthful and unemotive, so that he is left without a leg to stand on.

Original poster
frizzfactor · 26/03/2017 22:28

Testing - that's the exact problem. I have no way of filtering lies from truth. He told me at least 3 times they had had huge rows over my pregnancy. He even said his father had punched him! All fabrication!

It's a horrible anchorless place to be in Sad

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 26/03/2017 22:29

Just be aware that he learned his relationship style somewhere.

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/03/2017 22:29

"who am I to deny them a grandchild?"
Surely it is their son who is denying them a grandchild, by hiding her existence from them?

"his words as much as his actions have been incredibly wounding, and I'm not sure it's a good thing for her to be exposed to that."
I'm pretty sure it is NOT a good thing for her to be exposed to that.

I would be torn. One the one hand, a relationship with grandparents should be a positive. (Note: 'should be', not 'is always'. They could be as shit as their son.) On the other, a relationship with them sort of keeps him in the picture too, which you may find you don't want to risk.

On balance, I probably would not contact them - not right now. Because once contact is made, if it is horrible there's no going back. Holding back for now, you can always involve them later.

SouthPole · 26/03/2017 22:30

Write to them, not in anger or spite. But in your clear erudite way, emotionless. You're done with him but they have the right to know about her.

The ball is in their court then.

Good luck, at least you know now and can leave him be never to be disappointed by him again and her neither.

They could be the best grandparents to her. It would be a shame to miss out.

If they are terrible, walk away. she's little enough not to be damaged, just...

WhereYouLeftIt · 26/03/2017 22:38

Oh scratch that, I cross-posted ( I really should stop opening up multiple threads and not refreshing them before posting. Sorry.)

TheCakes suggestion is a good one. A letter (not an email) with a photo of their grandchild. Unemotional, making it clear their relationship with your daughter is totally independent of him. If they are as shit as him, you can let it drop with a clear conscience. If they are decent humans, you can see how it goes. Best wishes.

LevantineHummus · 26/03/2017 22:39

I really don't know what you should do.

But, I think you have very good ideas about offering your daughter the best and being fair, but they're his parents. You are not being unfair to her by not telling them. Her father is.

Now I'm writing I also like the idea of giving it until her 1st birthday (at least). Maybe they're great GPs, maybe not, but your priority is your relationship with your DD. The potential
stress this could cause is quite high, and stress doesn't usually impact anybody do the better. So stick for now with building your own relationship with DD and put these guys to the back of your mind.

And if you're worried about what to say if they are annoyed you didn't tell them earlier, well, you can definitely lay that at their sin's feet - it's not your job.