WIBU To contact his Parents?

[frizzfactor]

Long post so I'm sorry in advance!

I have a nearly one year old. She was the loveliest accident to ever happen, and her father and I have been seeing each other on and off for around 7 years. In that time he told me that he had broken up with the partner he was with when I first met him. The details around that are somewhat fudgey.

Anyway, I found out I was pregnant and told him immediately at 4 weeks. I gave him the option of walking away, I am financially independent and do not need that help particularly (although it of course helps). He decided he would stick around, and that he and I would try and make things work with each other. We would meet each other's parents and he would be open with people about our situation.

Fast forward to 31 weeks pregnant, and after hardly seeing him for one excuse after another, I asked if he would rather we just did this as friends. It was embarrassing how quickly he confirmed that would be his preference.

Baby is born, and he turns up to the hospital once again full of promises of being around. It was perfect for 2 weeks until he started pleading various reasons for not being around. This sort of ineffective contact continued up until around a month ago, when something I saw on social media (why does anyone think they can get away with anything these days?!) made me do some digging.

I ended up confronting him, and it turns out, he has lied to everyone about me and baby. His parents have no idea she or I exist. His 'ex' is still living in his house, although he insists they are split. I do not believe him for a second.

As I let my anger subside, I'm left with this question: What about his parents? Do I contact them? I have their email address, and I know their residential address, so I could easily do so.

The reason I'm torn is pretty obvious, do I want to invite them into my and her life? There is a part of me that thinks they and she both deserve to have a relationship, and it isn't really up to me to deny either party that. On the flip side, they've raised a manchild who thinks he can treat people with such disdain and behave with such cowardice.

There is a horrible part of me that wants to expose him and his vileness, especially as he is currently being lauded around as 'the most amazing guy', for doing some charity work.

My anger resides with the audacity of the man, and the devastation for my beautiful daughter who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. He has said out loud more than once that he doesn't love her. I am beyond dismayed at the idea that the very first man in her life has discarded her so easily, and I desperately need to protect her from the impact of that.

So with that in mind, what would you do?

I think I would tell him you are going to tell them...it does seem odd that you don't know anything about him after 7years or any, of his friends or family with this world of social media ..

I think I would write with limited information in.. Not your address or anything maybe set up an email they can respond to or a pay as you go mobile so if they are horrible you can stop contact easily!

They may/may not respond but assume they won't and forget about them after that...at least they will have had the chance....

You can vet them to see if you want them involved.....if you don't like them they have no rights even if he is on the bc...
Have you gone to cms? That is money for your daughter even if you just save it for her..

7 years? and you not only never met his parents(did he meet yours I wonder) but never met his friends, work colleagues or casual aquaintences either? did he meet your friends and colleagues?

I am boggled that you even call this a relationship, it is a hole in the corner affair.

I think the poster who said to do it now, whilst your DD is young enough for it to go by her if it doesn't end well, is very wise.

Best to approach this situation now, whilst you have time for the dust to clear and it not affect DD too badly if it goes awry. You won't have lost anything by doing so but you will have bought the truth to light to a fair few people who deserve to know. And that's including his "ex" but obviously the GPs should really know they have a granddaughter .

I had a friend who refused to say who the father of her son was. She did tell us some years later that the father had been killed in a road accident. The grandparents never knew they had a grandson which may have brought them some comfort when their son died .It was obviously not the right time to tell them.

What happens to her self esteem if her gps are happy to be in her life but her father continues to reject her?

If you can't see him committing to her, and it doesn't sound as if he is honest and trustworthy, then best to go it alone.

DS' dad was a similar kind of twat and I made it very clear to him that either he steps up to being a decent father or he can fuck off and save my DS years of heartache. He very quickly decided to fuck off. Ask yourself, perhaps it's better to cut ties with this twat go completely and that includes making contact with his parents.

I would be tempted to drop them a line with a picture introducing their grandchild making it clear that although the relationship with the father did not work despite spending 7 years together, that you thought they should have the choice to get to know her if they want. No pressure.

For those talking about the 7 year factor. We met through a business network thing. I met a few of his friends in that network, but he would always insist he was very very private. I would always insist I was open. He very rarely uses social media, and would add and delete me regularly. He currently has me blocked from all platforms. It was a constant source of arguments and hurt on my part.

My situation made that very easy to maintain. I am very busy, which leaves little time for socialising so we only ever spent time together. At the christening for our daughter, all 80 guests were mine. He put it down to his family being away (!) and he doesn't really have friends. I know his 'best friend'.

I gave up questioning it after about 3 years. He has been to a couple of dinners with my friends. He met my mother just before the baby was born.

When you are emotionally controlled by another human, you stop questioning to avoid arguments. I did anyway. It is something I beat myself up for regularly.

Dowhatnow I think you've hit the nail on the head. What if that occurs. I think it's even more difficult as he has a 4yo daughter he lives with. God I hate him for this.

It was so incredibly difficult telling my family, but I did it, and they adore her. How could he pretend she doesn't exist?!

I think I like the idea of setting up and email for them to use, and not giving them any unnecessary information. I have already told him I plan to tell them. He has now said he's told them, but once again I don't believe him. I've heard nothing from him since the end of February.

I've just been in to check her. How anyone could bear to not be with her I don't know. She's absolutely beautiful (a cartoon baby someone said the other day) and she's happy, like really really happy. Why wouldn't he love her? It's such a bloody mess I have horrendous guilt for letting her down.

You haven't let her down! Not one bit. You are absolutely putting her first and you are all that she needs.
If anyone is letting her down, it's him, but she isn't missing him.
I agree about the email account. That's a good idea. It offers an extra layer of protection.
But I can't say it enough - she has everything she needs with you and your family.

Thank you TheCakes xx

Well given that it is most likely going to come out someday anyways, I mean at some point your DD is going to know who her dad and GP are, you may as well tell them now when there is a chance for some sort of relationship, no? I do like the email address idea.

Oh yeah, OP, you DID NOT let her down! No way. Read TheCakes post again and again!

YAVeryDefinatelyNBU. But a part of me feels very sorry for his gf.... at some point this WILL come out, and I'm sure it will devastate her, and she's done nothing wrong. Poor woman!

I very much like the email idea, because, personally I adore the grandchild/grandparent relationship. I could write soooo much about how good I think it is for ALL parties... Knowing about possible genetic health problems; sharing family history; blending families; learning and loving different generations.

Also, OP... You say you don't need any money from him, and that's fine. But a baby (even an adorable 'cartoon' one) is very tiring and draining. GPs might be able to offer you time, and that can be invaluable.

I'll finish with saying I think he sounds like a shit, so my advice is whatever you decide to do, don't bother taking his needs/wants/requests into consideration one iota... he doesn't seem worth it. Prick.

And congratulations on your amazing accident!

I would move on without any of them. He sounds like a complete waste of space. He does not love his own child, has been lying to you since you've known him. Nothing good will come of this. Do yourself a favour and walk away.

I would ensure you are getting maintenance for your child.
I would have sent an invite to his parents for her christening, but seems youre way past that.

Drop the grandparents a line. As far as you know, they know about her. Her dad has told them. So an email introducing yourself with a photo saying something like you wanted to let them know youd love for her to get to know her grandparents and what a shame it was they couldnt make the christening but there will be plenty of opportunities ahead.

Is she now 3?

The guy is a monumental cock-womble. Walk away and enjoy your lovely daughter.

My ex has a child with his ex-gf. He walked away, she married (or so I was told) and never saw her again. None of his family know, my children have a half sister.

I'd tell them. My EX-MIL has no idea that she has a 20yo granddaughter. I can't tell her now, it's way too late.

He sounds awful. But, I think you should write to his parents. If they're not interested, they're not, but at least you know you offered the opportunity for them to get to know her.

I think because he's on the BC you might as well make contact with the GPs. He's been back and forth so much with wanting to be involved I bet that behaviour will carry on, especially as she gets older and is more 'interesting' or easy to relate to. His saying he doesn't love her is incredibly hurtful but it doesn't mean it won't change - she's a newborn and one he isn't involved with regularly. Not everyone, whether male or female, experiences that intstinctive bond/rush of instant love.
So, with his changeability in mind, you might as well contact the GP. a) So you can tell her in the future you did that. b) so you can get your side across to them first.
Agree with all the posts saying photo and unemotional.

CONGRATULATIONS on your lovely baby, frizzfactor.

I agree with chastenedButStillSmiling "...at some point this WILL come out".

Also, "... You say you don't need any money from him, and that's fine. But a baby (even an adorable 'cartoon' one) is very tiring and draining. GPs might be able to offer you time, and that can be invaluable."

Plus actually I would take the money from him, maintencance, set it up as a college fund. Do not allow him to get away without paying for his child. Truly, parenting is exhausting at times and if you are responsible for all the parenting and all the paying and the college fund, well, it's a lot. Let him pay for his child even if he does not wish to have an active relationship with him.

And most of all I agree with "I'll finish with saying I think he sounds like a shit, so my advice is whatever you decide to do, don't bother taking his needs/wants/requests into consideration one iota... he doesn't seem worth it. Prick."

My advice, tell, tell, tell. Tell the grandparents, allow them to have as much or as little input into their grand daughter's life as you want and do not allow yourself or your dd to be a secret, if you allow her to be a secret you will put a burden on her. If her grandparents cannot welcome here, then leave them to it.

You can always tell her how much she is loved and wanted and treasured. She doesn't need her grandparents to do that but if they want to be a positive part of her life then that would be good. But whatever happens I would not personally want her to have the burden of being a family secret.

even if he does not wish to have an active relationship with her

You don't really know this man at all. It was never a relationship. Just move on without him or his family. They won't have a clue who you are.

The more I've read the more I'm convinced that you should actually tell his parents. A very concise letter with a photocopy of the birth certificate sent special delivery.

Someone said this will hurt his girlfriend/wife. This is not the OPs problem. It's the fault of the man who created this mess, so he should clear it up.

Also he should pay child support. You may be able to afford your beautiful baby now but as they get older they get more expensive (says she looking at the trainers on her son's feet).

I don't think it's your place to tell them anything. It's his prerogative, not yours.

My eldest was 'denied' by his dad and eighteen years later had a message from his paternal grandmother apologising for her behaviour. She had been lied too but when she saw his picture she 'knew'. I let ds1 take the reins with the relationship and it's been beneficial for him.
Ds2 also had a wonderful relationship with his grandma until her death last year. His dad wasn't/ Isn't great and although ds2 is nearly 16 he would visits the gps at the other end of the country 2/3 times a year.
From my POV I only see them as a beneficial thing. It's not all been a picnic but it's been worth it :)