WIBU To contact his Parents?

[frizzfactor]

Long post so I'm sorry in advance!

I have a nearly one year old. She was the loveliest accident to ever happen, and her father and I have been seeing each other on and off for around 7 years. In that time he told me that he had broken up with the partner he was with when I first met him. The details around that are somewhat fudgey.

Anyway, I found out I was pregnant and told him immediately at 4 weeks. I gave him the option of walking away, I am financially independent and do not need that help particularly (although it of course helps). He decided he would stick around, and that he and I would try and make things work with each other. We would meet each other's parents and he would be open with people about our situation.

Fast forward to 31 weeks pregnant, and after hardly seeing him for one excuse after another, I asked if he would rather we just did this as friends. It was embarrassing how quickly he confirmed that would be his preference.

Baby is born, and he turns up to the hospital once again full of promises of being around. It was perfect for 2 weeks until he started pleading various reasons for not being around. This sort of ineffective contact continued up until around a month ago, when something I saw on social media (why does anyone think they can get away with anything these days?!) made me do some digging.

I ended up confronting him, and it turns out, he has lied to everyone about me and baby. His parents have no idea she or I exist. His 'ex' is still living in his house, although he insists they are split. I do not believe him for a second.

As I let my anger subside, I'm left with this question: What about his parents? Do I contact them? I have their email address, and I know their residential address, so I could easily do so.

The reason I'm torn is pretty obvious, do I want to invite them into my and her life? There is a part of me that thinks they and she both deserve to have a relationship, and it isn't really up to me to deny either party that. On the flip side, they've raised a manchild who thinks he can treat people with such disdain and behave with such cowardice.

There is a horrible part of me that wants to expose him and his vileness, especially as he is currently being lauded around as 'the most amazing guy', for doing some charity work.

My anger resides with the audacity of the man, and the devastation for my beautiful daughter who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. He has said out loud more than once that he doesn't love her. I am beyond dismayed at the idea that the very first man in her life has discarded her so easily, and I desperately need to protect her from the impact of that.

So with that in mind, what would you do?

I would consider sending a very neutral email (from a newly set up address) informing them they have a grandchild, their son knows she's his and came with you to register her so is named on the birth certificate but has now told you he has no intention of being involved. That way you've told them she exists and put the ball in their court. If they reply in a good way, great. If they send back a nasty reply or don't respond at all, you've lost nothing and you know where he gets it from.

As a grandmother, I certainly think you should tell your daughter's grandparents.

Do it. Friend in similar situation did and ended up with amazing supportive very consistent gps for her child. That father was quite hopeless the first few years but it didn't matter - the gps made up for it and were quite happy to crack on without his approval.

Why bother with them?
You don't want to tell them to enable them to have a relationship with their GD, you want revenge on the twat who dumped you.
What happens if the GP do form a bond and you then enter into a serious relationship with a bloke.
Will you and him want the biological GP hanging around then?
Let them go and get on with your life.

I would write to his parents and tell them. I would want to know if I had a grandchild.

I would tell them. The ball is then in their court and you've done all you can to help your daughter have a relationship with her grandparents. Just because her father is flakey doesn't mean her grandparents wouldn't like to have a loving relationship with her. The only caveat is that you don't get your hopes up incase they are just as disinterested as him, but at least she is too young to feel rejected if that's the case.

I can't really understand why the first concern it with the grandparents. I mean, if you tell them , they will have to ask Ex about it and then it will all come out. And he'll probably just lie. but presumably you have photos with him in from the christening, holding the baby etc.

So are you really just trying to find a way to get this all out in the open indirectly , without telling his wife directly?
Ultimately, he should pay for his child (and also face consequences of his actions)
And your daughter has a half sister.
And his wife/ partner is living with a total twat- she's want to know, I'm sure!

I've read this entire thread and gone to both camps but I do think I'd tell them. Just so they're aware and the ball is in their court. I'd include a birth certificate, pictures of them together and an email.

You're a better woman than I! And you sound like a wonderful mum

I would not tell them, unless I already had a good/special relationship with them.

For the simplereason that they mayreject her, OR facilitate your ex being a shitty kind of disney dad when it suits him.

Having THEM in your lifemeans having EX in your life. Forevermore.

Thinkabout it.

I think you should tell them. I watch things like Heir Hunters and Long Lost Family and the amount of times people say they wish they had known someone existed is heartbreaking. Also he may have other women still in the background and if they know about you other things may come out. My bro in law has a member on his team who has found out her husband of 24 years was having an affair and when she confronted him he got so tied up explaining he accidentally revealed he had not one but two other women, one of which was a 3 and a half year affair . The one she found out about was 8 months. He is a builder so does long and odd hours. Anyway I think they deserve to know.

Yes - a letter (sent signed for so you know that they have it), letting them know kindly 'I don't know how much you know about our relationship or your granddaughter but I wanted to establish contact myself as my relationship with X has broken down and I am hoping you would like to take the opportunity to be involved in her life.' That kind of thing, with some photos of her and sneakily him with her (not sure about birth certificate yet as it implies you think they won't believe you!). Good luck OP, he sounds like an arsehole.

I was duped on a much smaller scale a long time ago by a compulsive liar who kept another relationship going whilst I was with him - I couldn't believe I'd fallen for it and was lucky enough to find out after 6 months. Seven years is a long time to lose to a tosser like that. Good luck .

I'd go against the grain and say walk away. From him included. All he/they may add is complication, disappointment and heartbreak for your DD and you. So the grandparents are awesome? Best case scenario she gets an amazing close relationship with them and is reminded on a daily basis how her dad doesn't give even of a shit to maintain his own relationship with her. It's been 7 years, he hasn't changed he WON'T change.

My Dsis is technically a 1/2 sister but her dad has never been in the picture and my dad is her dad pure and simple. You may now meet "the one" or you may do it alone and be her whole world, that's enough, no negatives.

All he's done is be there at the biology but really, are those children who are conceived via sperm donation in need of tracking down their grandparents? I never understand why just because a biological father is "known" why there has to be a relationship forced when it is clearly going to be full of friction and ongoing issues.

Take your freedom and Walk away.

The fact here is that you don't know for sure if they are aware of your DD.

You suspect he hasn't told them, but in all honesty you don't know that is true.

It would appear his relationship with the mother of his other child is, despite his assertions otherwise, ongoing.

So we can assume the GP's have a relationship with this child and her mother.

So scenario one, is that they do know about your DD and have chosen not to make contact. Hence getting in touch is unlikely to change that.

Scenario two is that they didn't know and are now in a very difficult dilemma about meeting your daughter in a clandestine fashion, or being the people that break this news to the mother of their other grandchild. Both of these options put their relationship with their older GC at risk.

Scenario three is they didn't know about your DD, but the relationship with the mother of their other GC and your DD's father has broken down. As such there may still be some sensitivity around them being in contact with your DD and yourself, but far less than the above.

There is no scenario four where you can expect them not to have some reservations or concerns about what a relationship with your DD might "cost" them wrt their son and older GC.

Now, it is feasible that despite all this they they decide to get involved. However, even if they do, you don't know these people and what type of influence they are likely to have on your DD. Would they be supportive of your parenting or undermine you?

So my own decision would be not to contact them. I feel there are so many more outcomes that could be negative vs a small chance of being beneficial to you and your DD.

Contact whomever you like.... then you know once and for all they rejected you... if they do of course.. x

My advice is to hold on for just a while... so much to think through, possibilities and potentialities and what might be's.

Time and space is what you need, you don't have to make a decision right this minute. And as it is one of those genie out of the bottle decisions, some emotional longitude will help you be certain what is the best thing for you to do.

Having a bad man involved in your babies life forever is a heavy burden to bear - some of us had to escape from that situation and it cost us dear, well, me dear. I cry for my little boys heart ache as he doesn't understand why his daddy doesn't come see him. But it's the best situation out of several shitty ones. I tell DS about the extended family he has on his fathers side, as belonging is so important to him. But right now I think they are better as ideas than reality right now.

But on the other hand, family is precious. So precious. And leaving that door unopened may leave people that love and adore her out in the cold until your child grows up and finds them.

Tough decision either way, so difficult for you.

Without knowledge of birth parents, it can really mess up a child. I know many are adopted and don't want to know, but there are those to whom it's a big deal.

A simple letter & picture should suffice. If they're unpleasant then it's a reason to keep everything on your strict terms. But I'd be hopefully they'd see DD like you do..

So it seems that most of the arguments for and against are what have been running through my mind. I'm not a lot clearer on what I should do, but very grateful for the advice and angles I hadn't considered.

I think I will set up an email account and send a letter. I won't be asking them to her first birthday, I think my own family might have a few things to say about that!!

Ironically my eldest's father chose to cut contact but I have maintained a relationship with his parents and my son often visits his grandparents. I suppose my hope was a similar scenario but I knew them a long time before I was pregnant and so knew how great they were.

All I have to go on of these people is what the twat has told me, which I have absolutely no faith in anymore. Incidentally I have met his eldest child. She even came to the hospital to meet the baby but I only have his word that she knows mine is her sister. She's been once more since then but being small stayed close to her daddy.

I am very conscious of their potential relationship.
I am also conflicted about the supposed 'ex'. Once again all I have to go on is what he's told me. Which is that she's a psycho and mental etc etc. Usual story. He's also told me that she knows about me and baby, but who knows.

It's a bloody bloody mess. And people having a dig at me for not knowing. That's how an emotional abuser works.

Those who have offered their support and kindness, thank you. It's all been a bit bleak, so I'm very grateful.

I think when others have behaved badly your best bet it to behave with the utmost integrity.

Be honest with your child, be honest with those connected to her, make it clear you were not knowingly the other woman, if indeed he is in a relationship etc.

It's your call. But I think getting this out in the open is best. That is just my opinion I've not been in this boat myself.

I think you should tell them. See how it goes, you never know.

I was in an almost identical situation - ds is now 5, and I told his grandparents via letter when he was 5 months old.

I was very clear (actually, I wasn't, I didn't know what to do for ages, and analysed my motives for a long time!) that it was my job as ds mum to do my best for him even if it was hard for me. I felt like if a relationship didn't work out I had to be able to say I had tried to keep it going for him when he was older. Obviously that was me in my hormonal new baby state (please don't feel I'm putting pressure on you!)

I ended up writing a letter to them saying that they had a wonderful grandson, that I had cared very much for their son and that regardless of what happened with ds and his dad, they were welcome to have their own relationship with ds if they wanted to. I gave them my email addy, phone number and enclosed 3 photos.

Ds grandma called me pretty much straight away and they came to visit him (they are in another country) a month later. They see ds now every few months and dote on him, but it's not always been easy as ds relationship with his dad hasn't always been straight forward and we all try not to step on anyone's toes.

It was the right course of action for me and ds, and his dad is still with the 'other woman' although their relationship was rocky for a time when this all came out. Ds loves his grandparents and knows where he has come from, they provide him with a stable relationship where his dad did / could not.

I think at this age you can minimise any rejection / manage their relationship and protect your daughter so I would try, if only to say you did when she is older. They can't be positive influence if they don't know about her, and if they are negative you can walk away.

Good luck!

I think it's wrong people being nasty in what must be an awful situation, can't begin to imagine what it feels like. Thankfully a lot of people have offered objective advice.

One thing maybe to consider how he'll react when he realises his parents know.

Everyone in 'those' situations, seems to have a mental ex. It shows you really what little regard he has for women. You'd hope having a daughter his attitude would change. Considering in the future if the same happened to his daughter how would he feel?

His daughter has met your baby? Who did she think she was meeting?

I won't be asking them to her first birthday, I think my own family might have a few things to say about that!! - Why would that have a few things to say about your childs other side of the family being there? They have, as of yet, done absolutely nothing wrong? (If you're right in the fact they don't know about their grandchild). I actually feel very sorry for them, if you do invite them into your childs life please be welcoming, they will likely already feel like 'outsiders'.

Why would my family have something to say? Because they've watched me go through hell and back over the last year and a half at the hands of their son. I am able to be boundaried and would be warily welcoming, but it's not going to be beer and skittles overnight for any of us. They may well have no idea we exist, in fact after some social media posts last night I'm pretty sure they don't, but it's going to be hard for everyone to pretend there isn't hurt and resentment floating around the room, and my family will feel affronted if they rock up to her first birthday to celebrate a year they know nothing of. Whether that's right or wrong is a different matter, but I'm not in charge of how others behave emotionally, however I can predict their reactions. So for the sake of everyone, I will spare us all.

Re his eldest coming over, I don't really know, I think she thought the pedal tractor was more interesting.

Op, hope your well? Have you decided to tell them?