WIBU To contact his Parents?

[frizzfactor]

Long post so I'm sorry in advance!

I have a nearly one year old. She was the loveliest accident to ever happen, and her father and I have been seeing each other on and off for around 7 years. In that time he told me that he had broken up with the partner he was with when I first met him. The details around that are somewhat fudgey.

Anyway, I found out I was pregnant and told him immediately at 4 weeks. I gave him the option of walking away, I am financially independent and do not need that help particularly (although it of course helps). He decided he would stick around, and that he and I would try and make things work with each other. We would meet each other's parents and he would be open with people about our situation.

Fast forward to 31 weeks pregnant, and after hardly seeing him for one excuse after another, I asked if he would rather we just did this as friends. It was embarrassing how quickly he confirmed that would be his preference.

Baby is born, and he turns up to the hospital once again full of promises of being around. It was perfect for 2 weeks until he started pleading various reasons for not being around. This sort of ineffective contact continued up until around a month ago, when something I saw on social media (why does anyone think they can get away with anything these days?!) made me do some digging.

I ended up confronting him, and it turns out, he has lied to everyone about me and baby. His parents have no idea she or I exist. His 'ex' is still living in his house, although he insists they are split. I do not believe him for a second.

As I let my anger subside, I'm left with this question: What about his parents? Do I contact them? I have their email address, and I know their residential address, so I could easily do so.

The reason I'm torn is pretty obvious, do I want to invite them into my and her life? There is a part of me that thinks they and she both deserve to have a relationship, and it isn't really up to me to deny either party that. On the flip side, they've raised a manchild who thinks he can treat people with such disdain and behave with such cowardice.

There is a horrible part of me that wants to expose him and his vileness, especially as he is currently being lauded around as 'the most amazing guy', for doing some charity work.

My anger resides with the audacity of the man, and the devastation for my beautiful daughter who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. He has said out loud more than once that he doesn't love her. I am beyond dismayed at the idea that the very first man in her life has discarded her so easily, and I desperately need to protect her from the impact of that.

So with that in mind, what would you do?

And to those who are saying that this reads like the OP knew that she was the other woman, you're reading something different to what I am! A casual relationship, not living together, with lots of time in between meetings, throw in some EA so that questions are avoided and then not asked at all, well, I can easily see how things got to this stage.

Please excuse my grammar! I'm very tired...

If he isn't paying child support then make sure he does.

Hmmm. I think I'd send them a letter

So difficult! I would be forensic about what you want to achieve in the long term, as the very real human emotions may compromise your long term goals if you are not careful.
Good luck!

If you tell them, and they are keen to meet her/establish a relationship, then I can see one of two things happening:
a) They nag/pressure their son into being there more, resulting in him being in your and your DD's life, to the detriment of everyone. Do you really want to be thinking about every other weekend overnight stays at 'dad's' house? Do you really want her to be exposed to his lying and manipulation?
b) They try to maintain a relationship without him in the picture. This can work if they are decent people, but as your DD grows older it will highlight to her very regularly her 'dad's' rejection of her.

Either way, you are giving them a place in your DD's life based on them being her 'father's' parents. By doing that, you are re-enforcing him as a 'father'. But though he is her progenitor, he does none of the things a father does, nor do you want him to (you don't even want him to 'provide', the most minimalist role he could have as a father). Imagine you meet someone else in a couple of years, someone who behaves like a father, who may become her step-dad and may even adopt her. In my book that would then be her 'real' dad, and that man's parents her grandparents - the ones that matter.

Thinking in the longer term, I would be reinforcing the concept that a father is as a father does. Sooner or later she will be aware of and have to face the fact of this man's rejection of her. That may be easier if you both view him as a progenitor rather than as a 'failed father'.
The only reason his parents should be in her life is because they are her father's parents. If he were a sperm donor, you wouldn't be considering this, you wouldn't be seeing him as a 'father' and hence them not as 'grandparents'. Stop viewing him as a father. You had some fun together, then you discovered he is a lying, manipulating emotional abuser, the fact that his sperm was involved does not make him a father.

Legally, of course, he is - your biggest mistake was probably adding him on the birth certificate. That could come back to bite you. E.g. if you DO meet someone else who wishes to adopt his step daughter, you won't be able to do that without this guy's consent.

Oh and by the way, you are not depriving her of grandparents. She has grandparents already (your parents). And you are keeping the space open for potential future paternal grandparents, by keeping the space of 'father' open. Rather than assigning this title to a man who does not deserve it.

So at some point during the 7 years you were off and on, he got someone pregnant, had a baby, and has had that child living with him for the past 4 years?

Your OP sounds like you were in an on-off relationship with him for 7 years but there must have been staggeringly big gaps between shags for that to have occurred.

Is he on the bc? Not sure I have seen you confirm this OP.

If you involve them, and something were to happen to you, would you want him/ them requesting custody? Be careful what can of worms you open.

If he is, then Defoe agree that even if you don't want his money, that you get child support sorted. Agree, put it in an ISA/ college fund. The way education is going, you'll prob be paying for GCSE courses soon.

If you later have other children, your ability to fund them will be less. Sort her financial future. Use his money to pay for a life assurance policy with her as beneficiary?

My father was an arse and not involved in my life but my mother always encouraged and maintained my relationship with his family.

His parents and siblings weren't responsible for his behaviour and they pretty much had nothing to do with him.

I grew up knowing my dad was an arse but his family were a good thing in my life.

Are you prepared for a DNA test?

My parents were the grandparents in this situation. A girl appeared from nowhere claiming my brother had got her pregnant. My mum and dad were distraught. When they spoke to my brother, he denied the pregnancy was his. My parents were very confused- who should they believe? In the end, they asked for a DNA test and the woman refused. She said she was disgusted at the suggestion. No one in my the family has seen her since...

I can see why she was upset, if she was telling the truth. At the same time, why should the grandparents have invested time and emotion if there was no proof they were related to the child. I've always thought if it was me I would have given them the bloody test, even if it was just so I could say how dare they doubt me!

I suppose what I'm trying to get at is that there's no reason that they'll just believe you. It sounds like it's going to be a shock for them and they'll need time to get their heads around the news. And expect some unpleasant questions- they wouldn't be human if they didn't have questions for you.

Best of look with whatever you decide.

And ps- I'd be taking the money from him. Even if it's to buy her some premium bonds! She deserved it!

In terms of asking about the relationship between us, Mrs. Wembley has got it spot on. He's lied and lied and lied. It was very very easy for him to do so because of my circumstances. I have an older son who is autistic and I have all the time, so the opportunity for me going to stay over or hang out at his would be rare, never mind that it would have to coincide with when he was 'free'. For a long time he told me he was living with his parents (another lie) so I couldn't go over.

He does pay me a monthly amount but it's not CSA (or the new equivalent), and it's used for her nursery fees whilst I am at university. (Mature student!)

As for his other child. Well, he told me they had split. We were together, 3 months of being 'official' he announces she's 4 months pregnant. I broke it off immediately. Please please understand that circumstance and manipulation made this very easy for him. Perhaps I could have asked more questions, but I didn't and I wish I had, however the result of that was horrible so I avoided it.

His eldest was conceived approx 5 years ago, so only 2 years into my knowing him. In those two years we hadn't done the deed, just dates and snogs. I know I'm not explaining this very well, but I'm trying not to out myself, although I'm pretty sure anyone who knows me will have worked it out anyway.

For brief: I did not know I was OW. I would not knowingly do that to anyone. He is the twat, I am only a twat for believing him. The most important thing in this is my daughter, who I need to protect and parent the best possible way.

I am so sorry you are in this situation.

If you want to tell them, I would write them a letter letting them know they can have contact with baby if they want to. Don't add any pressure. Don't mention the other other woman. Just explain you've been seeing each other for 7 years.

but be FULLY prepared for another set of rejection. He might actually be married and this could be seen (by some families) as a situation they don't want to acknowledge or be part of etc.

Good luck though and sounds like you and your daughter will have a great life without them all anyway x

Who am I to deny them a grandchild?

I'm concerned that you may not get the reaction you hope for - entitled and spoiled men don't just spring into the world fully formed, sometimes their parents heavily influence how they turn out. You could be seen as some awful gold-digger temptress who tried to trap their baby. (Even if you earn more than he does.) On the other hand they might be a lovely addition to your dd's life. But it's a risk and not one I'd take. It sounds like this guy is well versed in lying and manipulating people, and you could end up bringing a lot of drama to your door.

they dont have an automatic right to see their gc its biology thats all

he has another child? and u didnt think it was odd that he carried on seeing u? and theen noone turns up for the christening and you still dont think thats weird

In my mind I totally understand why you're going through a whole host of emotions. I would personally write to the GP and enclose a photo, date of birth, birth weight, name etc. I would steer clear of saying your son is abhorrent as it would be good to just let them know, see how they react.

My experience with DV the first time I got married & divorced, quite young, the parents stood by their son, my MIL wasn't all that pleasant at any stage of our relationship, so she was like what did you do to deserve it. In fact it had mostly been the result of her sulking over stupid things, causing tension, where none needed to exist. I got told by my ex his Dad saw it differently and was really disappointed. I was nudged to divorce for the irreconcilable differences, in case there's a famous relative in the future who goes on WDYTYA and discovers their great great Grandad was unpleasant.

The weirdest situation ever. But it's likely they'll stand by their son, possibly go out there way to make life hard for you, if they perceive you're defaming his character. Unbelievably I had a friend who had a BF who couldn't keep it in his pants, they had children together. His mother basically pleaded for her to drop the pity act (WTF) also to not discuss it on SM or to anyone, as she should understand as a mother, wanting the best for your children, regardless of their actions. It was insinuated even though the Mum knew the actions and what had been taking place, she would take action against any defamatory comments, even if there was tacit proof.

From another angle if you keep the GP on side so to speak, you'll hopefully build a good relationship, they may want to contribute, force their son to contribute, as they want to keep good relations. So going to them to say look you have a GD, may make them see you in a better light, that your overall concern is for that if DD.

Making things sour with her Dad will make things difficult, I don't believe they fund family proceedings via legal aid, so things like visitation rights, could end up stressful and costly. You never know how he'll react, he could (stupidly) deny paternity. Paint you out to be something you're not.

I agree what he's done is disgusting, but simply trying to show you, being amicable, being nice to them about it all, put you in a better light. Even though you don't need any defence, but taking revenge could just make things really awkward. You want to enjoy this time with DD regardless of his actions. She is his Dad, for me his parenting actions are what's important to DD, over his behaviour thinking he's living in pre/post war Britain, when we found out via a family tree a direct relative who died a hero in the war in fact had 3 families concurrently. So I think the war was a welcome breath of fresh air to him possibly.

When this was discovered, DH discovered why his GM/DF never spoke about her parents. I can't begin to imagine how she felt as a child/adult if she knew of these half siblings, scattered over England/Scotland.

So please focus on your DD. By all means contact them with a photograph and letter, see where it goes from there. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I think ultimately you'll regret any revenge.

I hope I haven't offended you at all. I understand it might not be the response you want. But YANBU let's make that plain and clear.

Are you any closer to deciding what you are going to do OP?

Since he's on the birth cert, I would include a copy of that as suggested up thread. Otherwise he could (and probably will) paint you as delusional.

I would keep it very brief:

"Dear Mr & Mrs x,

I have very recently been informed by Cockwomble, that contrary to his numerous reassurances over the past 18 months, he never did in fact tell you of my pregnancy with his child or of our daughter's birth. I am appalled that you have been unaware that you have a grandchild and am writing to rectify this. Please find enclosed a copy of her birth certificate and a few photos. My email address is [email protected] and I would be more than happy to introduce you to her if you wish. I will however leave it entirely up to you as I am aware this will come as a huge shock.

Kind Regards

I know people are talking about rejection, but that's a possibility in every child's life at any stage. I think honestly to be reasonable to his parents, show them you're the good guy, maybe advise that you'd be together 7 years on & off, you weren't aware that he wasn't single. Leave it at that.

I say this as his parents could be totally reasonable with you, for the sake of DD. This is about you building a relationship with them, it can be as much or as little as you want. But if you appear amicable, you state you were totally unaware of his circumstances till recently. You are totally blameless. Hopefully they'll want you as an ally.

When my parents split, for the sake of the 5 GC, my GM remained amicable with my M. My GM has always said, regardless of what she did, her knickers were off more than on but were all my DF's DC's, she was our Mother. It's something I struggle to understand, but I think it's very magnanimous of my GM. She's even be friendly with my Mother's husbands and partners, having them round her house.

I sincerely hope and pray that your DD's paternal GP's are the same with you and DD. Even though this isn't your fault. You sound unsure, you sound like a really nice person. Just think for a minute, how with it make DD's Dad look, that he knew about a pregnancy and birth, withholding it from them.

Any vitriol can be shared here, we'll support you and listen to you, whatever you want. Maybe I'm too much of a pacifist, you can say you're hurt, you had such a history you pictured this happy family, now that's shattered. But for DD's sake you want things to be amicable and if possible friendly, for her future. I had words with DH yesterday about his conduct on Mothers Day, I reiterated, for his faults, I believe they remain between the parents and those that know. The children don't need to know, he's learnt from the past, I reiterated I hope it makes DH want to make DS the best he can be and also to protect DD and always be there, being a supportive figure. I know it's not comparative to your situation, but he is really going to regret missing out on key milestones and moments in his daughters life, if he doesn't wake up fast. As you'll be shocked how quick time actually flies.

It only seems like yesterday I had DS and he's now at High School. On sleepless nights, or when ill, those minutes feel like hours, but she'll be growing up so fast. He'll turn around and his little girl won't even recognise him.

I say this not only from a parents perspective, but relatives I rarely see, the last time I saw their DC they were babies, now they're at pre-school and school. You wonder where the times gone.

I'm always here if you want to talk. I honestly hope I make some sense. It's obviously ultimately you're decision. I can promise I'll be here if you want, offering support and advice, as long as you want/need it.

I would tell them ... unsure how, and definitely when you are feeling calm and able to write entirely for your daughter's sake.

I have a cousin who we only found out about when she was a teenager - we all welcomed her into the family and still have a relationship with her as an adult. Her mother is lovely! She had lost years of having cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents - all of whom welcomed her in, and while loving her dad, we didnt see him through rose-tinted glasses and knew who and how he was.

I would disagree that it's 'just biological', or that a step-father and step-family can slot in neatly to fill the space left by genetic family.

Lots of research into adoption shows that even people who are very successfully adopted into happy families still have a real need to know where they come from biologically and to find their 'birth parents'.

So, definitely wouldn't think of it is as 'keeping a space open'. That space will always be there. I am sure you will meet somebody lovely and much more deserving of you, but your daughter's birth father (and his family) will always be her family too in a different way.

I also think that it is probably in your daughter's best interests if you take responsibility at this stage for telling her father's family about her. Leaving it for longer might make her feel either like a terrible secret (which of course you don't think she is) or make her feel responsible for searching for them and telling them herself.

If they're going to reject her, it will be much less hurtful if it's not to her face and if you handle it for her at this early stage. It would be entirely their loss.

I had a friend write to the grandmother of her child because the father wouldn't tell her about the child. The grandmother wrote back calling her a lying slag. So personally I'd not bother, but I would put through a claim for child maintenance.

Yikes, having flashbacks to a relationship I had in the past...what his first initial?

I'd contact them. This will all inevitably come out in the wash one day, presumably much like an Eastenders storyline. To avoid all that just get in touch with them and leave the ball in their court. You do know that you should not engage further with this man unless it is to sort out CM claims.

OP, do you know what sort of relationship the grandparents have with their other grandchild, if any?

Which also raises the question - does the half sibling and his/her mother know about your DD? (Apologies if this has been mentioned and I missed it). I'd consider a relationship between half siblings to be just as important, if not more so, than one between grandparents/child.

I personally wouldn't do it, more so because I wouldn't want your LO to be rejected by them as much as she has him!

I'm on the other side, my exes family knew about me from the start, they know all about the baby/pregnancy yet when he left me for someone else, all of them including him have rejected our son & quite frankly I am glad because they'd all be flaky & simply be inconsistent.

I know how rejection feels, I can't bear my baby feeling it.