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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU To contact his Parents?

125 replies

frizzfactor · 26/03/2017 21:47

Long post so I'm sorry in advance!

I have a nearly one year old. She was the loveliest accident to ever happen, and her father and I have been seeing each other on and off for around 7 years. In that time he told me that he had broken up with the partner he was with when I first met him. The details around that are somewhat fudgey.

Anyway, I found out I was pregnant and told him immediately at 4 weeks. I gave him the option of walking away, I am financially independent and do not need that help particularly (although it of course helps). He decided he would stick around, and that he and I would try and make things work with each other. We would meet each other's parents and he would be open with people about our situation.

Fast forward to 31 weeks pregnant, and after hardly seeing him for one excuse after another, I asked if he would rather we just did this as friends. It was embarrassing how quickly he confirmed that would be his preference.

Baby is born, and he turns up to the hospital once again full of promises of being around. It was perfect for 2 weeks until he started pleading various reasons for not being around. This sort of ineffective contact continued up until around a month ago, when something I saw on social media (why does anyone think they can get away with anything these days?!) made me do some digging.

I ended up confronting him, and it turns out, he has lied to everyone about me and baby. His parents have no idea she or I exist. His 'ex' is still living in his house, although he insists they are split. I do not believe him for a second.

As I let my anger subside, I'm left with this question: What about his parents? Do I contact them? I have their email address, and I know their residential address, so I could easily do so.

The reason I'm torn is pretty obvious, do I want to invite them into my and her life? There is a part of me that thinks they and she both deserve to have a relationship, and it isn't really up to me to deny either party that. On the flip side, they've raised a manchild who thinks he can treat people with such disdain and behave with such cowardice.

There is a horrible part of me that wants to expose him and his vileness, especially as he is currently being lauded around as 'the most amazing guy', for doing some charity work.

My anger resides with the audacity of the man, and the devastation for my beautiful daughter who deserves to be loved wholeheartedly. He has said out loud more than once that he doesn't love her. I am beyond dismayed at the idea that the very first man in her life has discarded her so easily, and I desperately need to protect her from the impact of that.

So with that in mind, what would you do?

OP posts:
Justanothernameonthepage · 27/03/2017 07:33

The more I read, the more I think tell them. Write a letter with some photos and a brief explanation (including the fact that although he said he told them, you are unsure if he opened up the possibility of contact. Oh and make it clear that you're happy raising her alone, but you wanted to make sure that if they wanted to know her, you're happy to help make that happen). Just be prepared for the possibility of them asking for a DNA test.

YouTheCat · 27/03/2017 07:39

He has a 4 year old, yet you had no idea you were the other woman even though you have been in a relationship for 7 years?

icelollycraving · 27/03/2017 07:46

Sorry if I've missed it but I would only tell them only if he's on the birth certificate.

Penfold007 · 27/03/2017 07:56

You knew he had a four year old child born during your seven year off/on relationship so saying you didn't know you were unaware you were a OW is naive at best.
You're not denying his parents anything it's up to him to tell them if he wishes. He's on the birth certificate so hasn't denied being your baby's father. You may be financially comfortable but he has a legal obligation to financially support his child, starts a CMS claim.

allegretto · 27/03/2017 08:09

I think it will come out sooner or later - and if they want to be involved it would be far better sooner rather than later. Write to them. He has already told you he has told them so you can easily say "As X will have told you by now...." and take it from there.

Emeralda · 27/03/2017 08:23

I wouldn't. You don't know who you're inviting into your life (and your baby's) by doing that. It's his responsibility to facilitate a relationship with them, not yours. You're assuming they are nice people that you will want to spend time with your child. They may not be. Fast forward to Christmas in 5 or 10 years time and you might not be able to do what you want to do because they want to see her.
Concentrate on building your support network with people you love and trust.

1horatio · 27/03/2017 08:26

Seeing as it will come out... I think it's better to do now, when your DD is still little and won't be hurt by possible rejection etc...

What else? Child support. You don't know what's going to happen. And if you genuinely never end up needing it?

DD will have an awesome fund for things like semesters abroad or whatever she may want....

ToastyFingers · 27/03/2017 08:28

He has a four year old? Conceived during your 'relationship', with the woman who you believed to be his ex? His ex he lives with?

Come off it, you knew you were the OW and now you want to be the meddling, scorned OW. His poor wife, her life is probably already pretty shit, with such a poor excuse for a partner, and now you want to make everything worse by announcing his betrayal to all and sundry.

At least have the nerve to tell her (his actual partner) about your affair before you drag her in-laws into it.

1horatio · 27/03/2017 08:32

Come off it, you knew you were the OW and now you want to be the meddling, scorned OW.

Not necessarily. I mean, if they primarily met on business meetings, fundraisers or similar events and went off to shag later? Maybe she simply assumed he had a similar relationship with an other woman....

Annette1000 · 27/03/2017 08:34

If you feel the need to contact them, send three photos. A newborn one, being held my "dad", a christening one, with "dad" and a near 1st birthday. Mention that it was so unfortunate that they haven't met her, As "dad" said it wasn't possible. But now she's a year old you thought that now "dad" wants nothing more to do with her, that they won't get to see pics anymore. Would they like to continue to do so?

The pics with dad are important for when he starts to deny everything.

Don't do this unless you would trust them, alone in your home, babysitting your daughter. That's what how grandparents spend much time with LOs.

Don't kid yourself, involving them will involve him.

What she is really being denied is her sister.

I wouldn't get back at him through them. Parent's trust their kids, and they'll See you as the problem.

WateryTart · 27/03/2017 08:35

I'd tell him to tell them or I would. Then I'd carry it through. They deserve the chance to be loving grandparents.

ChristopherWren · 27/03/2017 08:40

No good can come from telling his parents. He already has a partner and a child and they already have a grandchild. A child that was born during your relationship with him. Presumably his partner knows nothing about you.

If you wanted his parents in your child's life why didn't you tell them before and invite them to the Christening? If you had 80 people there, all of whom were your friends and family, then you already have a lot of people in your life to love your daughter and be part of her life.

I was once - unknowingly - an OW, and many years later I am still embarrassed at the signs I didn't see and the things I ignored that weren't acceptable in a relationship, so I do understand that it is possible, although 7 years is a long time (less than a year in my case). However I'm not completely convinced about your motivation. You do not need this man in your life and I think you should leave well alone.

IAmNotAWitch · 27/03/2017 08:43

What is best for your daughter? Not him, not his parents, not you, just her.

Hr has said he doesn't love her. He needs to go, now from her life.

What does she get out of you telling them? Time to be really really selfish on your daughter's behalf.

If he wants contact let him go to court. Otherwise keep her away from someone who doesn't love her when he should.

MrsSchadenfreude · 27/03/2017 08:50

Write to them with photos. This happened to someone I know (baby was the result of a one night stand) and they have a fantastic relationship with the child, and the father plays a very full role in the child's life, as does his wife (that took a bit of time).

Miserylovescompany2 · 27/03/2017 08:55

By the sound of things OP, this man has lead you along a merry dance for years.

I would make a photocopy of the birth certificate, attach a photo of your daughter and write your contact number and name on the back. I wouldn't necessarily write a letter at this point. Let them contact you. Essentially, the ball will be in their court.

MamaSchmama · 27/03/2017 09:04

I'd give him an ultimatum to tell his wife and parents, and then contact his parents after that time has passed.

No good will come of secrecy, and it's better to get things out in the open sooner rather than later. It will help you to (a) claim child maintenance, which you absolutely should do through the proper channels because it is part of what your daughter deserves (even if you don't need it, get it and put it aside in a savings account. You will also be able to answer the question 'did my father contribute at all' in a more positive way) and (b) potentially build bridges with the rest of his family.

The fact that he already has a partner and a child is beside the point. It's his responsibility and his problem -- he was the one who lied and cheated. The grandparents may not want to get to know your daughter but you will never know unless they are given the chance.

expatinscotland · 27/03/2017 09:06

You'll come off at OW because . . . you are. I'd leave it. Wouldn't tell them a thing.

SemiNormal · 27/03/2017 09:07

My sons father is horrible but his family have a wonderful relationship with my son. I can't imagine his life without them in it. My son also has a relationship with 2 of his sisters from other relationships his dad has had, the 3rd sister he's yet to meet but I'm hoping they will at some point. As someone who grew up with few family members around I think it's lovely that my son has so much family who play such a huge role in his life.

His family may end up rejecting you and your daughter, they may end up being really awful people - but they could equally be amazing people who would have a wonderful relationship with you and your daughter. I think they deserve that opportunity and so does your daughter.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 27/03/2017 09:07

I'm another one who thinks you should tell them. She's their GC, she's part of their family.

And they might be lovely people. Just because their son is a dick doesn't necessarily mean it's because of the way he was raised. Some people are just dicks. And if he's a narcissist, then most people will think he's prince charming anyway, and have no idea of the 'real' him.

SEsofty · 27/03/2017 09:11

If you do contact them, then you need to be really clear about what you want to happen.

Also, you need to be able to explain how this situation arose, so that you don't feel upset and bad if accusations of ow are levelled at you. Eg have you met the daughter, when did you find out about her etc

Also, i agree with the others who say what about his wife? How are you intending her to find out. If you ask the grandparents that puts them in a truly horrible position

ChristopherWren · 27/03/2017 09:14

I've been reading your post again and I'm not convinced about your motivation. It seems like this has been an issue since you found out about a month ago that he had been lying to you. And it sounds like anger and revenge - understandably - is your motive.

Be honest with yourself. The time to introduce your child was when she was a newborn, or any time over the past year. When arranging the Christening it would have been normal to check when family members could be there but you just accepted that they were 'away'.

Don't use your daughter as a pawn in this sorry game with this man who has treated you so badly and doesn't want you or your daughter. Get the maintenance your child deserves and focus on loving her. Do you have parents? If so, hopefully she already has loving grandparents already.

If I am wrong about your motivation I apologise, but think hard about what you want the outcome to be.

readthethread · 27/03/2017 09:16

Why are you having this dilemma now?
Why not just before the Christening? Hmm

pinkdelight · 27/03/2017 09:17

Just on the OW thing, in the OP this line:

"In that time he told me that he had broken up with the partner he was with when I first met him."

surely shows that she knew he was with someone when they met. That whole par about the fudgey details implies that it began as an affair, even if OP wasn't sure or didn't want to know if it continued as one.

But that aside, I'd tell the father's family, if only so it's not one of those terrible secret other family situations that are surprisingly common, but always come out eventually with horrible fallout for both families. Better to be honest upfront and try to keep things as un-messy as possible.

MrsWembley · 27/03/2017 09:20

Do it.

I never had a relationship with my paternal gps because my I was the result of a brief affair. I've only recently found my father through social media and we are building a relationship but it's been a long time since his parents died and I only have his stories of them.

When you grow up with a very small family, even the slightest contact matters.

TheNaze73 · 27/03/2017 09:23

Putting aside the merits & morals of you obviously being the OW, you need to do what is right for your daughter. I don't see what good will come of telling them? Probably more hurt for you as I don't think they'll give a shiny shit. Look at what they knew about & nurtured