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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to 'love' one of my DC as much as the others?

118 replies

Smashingzucchini · 26/03/2017 15:55

Name changed for this as such a taboo topic....I have 3 DC and just don't feel the same about one as I do about the others. I never felt the same rush of love for him when he was a little baby, and although I do feel affection for him a lot of the time and appreciate when he's being sweet or funny, it feels more like the emotion I feel for my nephews and nieces, or my friends' kids, than my own child. I have been waiting for things to change but he's three now so it seems unlikely. He was actually my easiest birth and I I didn't have PND or anything so no idea really why this is. He is slightly unusual looking (not in a bad way) and not an easy child, but that shouldn't matter to me surely? Of course I do everything for him just like I do for the others and I hope he never has any inkling of how I feel. But I often feel quite sad and guilty about it, especially as I've never heard of anyone else who has this issue. Am I really alone? Don't shoot me down in flames please.

OP posts:

armpitz · 26/03/2017 15:56

In what way is he not easy?

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 26/03/2017 15:58

Is he your youngest?

Astoria7974 · 26/03/2017 15:58

What do you mean by unusual looking? Does he have a genetic illness?

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara · 26/03/2017 16:01

oh OP this must be so hard, I really feel for you.

One of DM's friends recently admitted the same thing, she has 7 DC and just like you doesn't feel the same love for one of them as she does for the others.

I suspect it's more common than society would have us believe.

It took me a few months to bond with DD after she was born and although I talk about it quite freely now (DD is nearly 6) , I have regretted telling some people who looked at me with either disgust or condescension. Society cannot accept that sometimes motherly love isn't automatic.

booksandcoffee · 26/03/2017 16:02

I am pretty sure that you are not the first parent to feel this way. You can not help how you feel and you are doing your best not to let him know, which is all anyone can do. For what it is worth, my mother was like this about me, but grew to love me more when I was in my thirties. We get on really well now.

Crumbs1 · 26/03/2017 16:05

You are going to have to make more of an effort with him. Love doesn't just happen, does it? We work at it every day. Maybe spend a bit more one to one time with him - cuddling and reading not expensive stuff others will,become jealous of. I tell mine I love them all the same but differently.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 26/03/2017 16:05

I can't understand how you feel as I only have 1 DD who I would die for but for you.

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 16:12

This isn't something you can help, so I would try to stop worrying about it and hope those feelings grow in time.

Oblomov17 · 26/03/2017 16:13

I too believe it's more common than you think. Not on MN, obviously!! Because to admit such a thing is deplorable. But actually, I've heard it a few times.

Astoria7974 · 26/03/2017 16:19

What do you mean by unusual looking? Does he have a genetic illness?

knackeredinyorkshire · 26/03/2017 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WheresTheEvidence · 26/03/2017 16:23

How old is he? What dc is he - maybe it played a change in the dynamic of the family causing this issue. .

HeteronormativeHaybales · 26/03/2017 16:27

You should get help, as a priority. Preferably proper psychotherapy.

I don't want to 'shoot [you] down in flames', but this has the potential to do a lot of damage to your poor little boy.

You're not alone in feeling this, but this isn't 'normal', nor is it desirable.

In the meantime, do as a PP suggests and work on it. Spend time with him. Appreciate him. Think of how you would feel if something happened to him. Imagine it. (I know that sounds harsh but it might shock you into realising you do indeed love him).

You must do something about this, because if you don't it has the potential to grow/become established and cause a lot of damage. These feelings will work their way out and he will notice. Don't be lulled into doing nothing by people telling you you can't help it and you're not alone.

I really don't mean to be harsh, but I do believe this really isn't good.

BarbarianMum · 26/03/2017 16:31

I agree with Haybales It's not your fault it's happened but you do need to address it.

Astoria7974 · 26/03/2017 16:33

@muhajaba - oh really? I was taught that the ka'aba (and in particular the stone) is the only reason why muslims face Mecca to pray. If it was thrown again to another city then all Muslims would face that city instead. Mecca's importance as the birthplace of Mohammed does not supercede it's relevance as the site of the ka'aba to many Muslim sects.

Astoria7974 · 26/03/2017 16:34

Oops wrong thread

armpitz · 26/03/2017 16:38

The problem with psychotherapy is that it's not necessarily something that can be fixed.

SukeyTakeItOffAgain · 26/03/2017 16:48

My brother always realised my mum didn't love him as much as her other children. He has had severe psychological his whole life partly attributable to this fact, and he is now in his 40s.

You need to address it somehow. I can't be a person who says " OP this is really common and you can't help it" because I've seen the damage it can do if it's not dealt with. You need to make more of an effort with him and find his good points, and love and praise those. Children are clever, and he will pick up on your feelings.

ahamsternest · 26/03/2017 16:52

What is difficult about him, as he is only 3? Are you sure you mean "not in a bad way", as the unusual nature of his looks was significant enough for you to comment on it?

Is there a chance you had PND but it just manifested in a different way - i.e. inhibited the bonding process?

Aeroflotgirl · 26/03/2017 16:52

Op massive hugs, I think you should go for counselling to help you through this, as somebody has pointed out, he will eventually realise you don't love him as much and could affect him as an adult. My daughter who is 10 has ASD and learning difficulties, and can be emotionally distant, not as loving or caring as her brother who is 5 without these issues. As a result, I do feel closer to him.

1horatio · 26/03/2017 16:56

My brother always realised my mum didn't love him as much as her other children. He has had severe psychological his whole life partly attributable to this fact, and he is now in his 40s.

This. Sorry, but saying... "oh, I'm so sorry OP, that has to be horrible" doesn't cut it for me either.

First of all, "he is difficult and unusual looking"? Well, I wonder why he may be difficult, children are perceptive.

What else? This isn't because of any quality of his. This is you. You don't just love him "somewhat less"/have a favourite child, you actually don't love him like your son at all, but like a nephew.

This is horrible and I fear it could harm all of your children.

Please get therapy asap.
And if you can't "fix this"... Gosh, I don't know the answer. I wish there was an easy one. Or maybe not even an easy one, but a "good one".

But I genuinely believe that all 3 of your children deserve to be loved and deserve loved and cherished siblings. I genuinely think you should love him for his own sake but also for the sake of his siblings...

And I believe that you need to do your best to fix this. But feeling sad and guilty helps nobody, least of all your son...

I'm not sure what to say. Is it a taboo subject? yes. Because I firmly believe that children need love... and I hope you're able to give this love to all of your children.

1horatio · 26/03/2017 16:57

I wish the best to all of you.

Hugs

itsallcrap · 26/03/2017 17:01

I have this too, with my eldest. It's awful as I feel completely differently towards him as the others, but don't know how to change it .

I didn't realise how I felt about him until I had the others, and it was just so different

NavyandWhite · 26/03/2017 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springflowers11 · 26/03/2017 17:02

I think probably you do not feel as close to him, or perhaps as fond of him as the others.. I bet if he was involved in an accident and hovering at deaths door, your love would be brought into sharp focus

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