Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU not to 'love' one of my DC as much as the others?

118 replies

Smashingzucchini · 26/03/2017 15:55

Name changed for this as such a taboo topic....I have 3 DC and just don't feel the same about one as I do about the others. I never felt the same rush of love for him when he was a little baby, and although I do feel affection for him a lot of the time and appreciate when he's being sweet or funny, it feels more like the emotion I feel for my nephews and nieces, or my friends' kids, than my own child. I have been waiting for things to change but he's three now so it seems unlikely. He was actually my easiest birth and I I didn't have PND or anything so no idea really why this is. He is slightly unusual looking (not in a bad way) and not an easy child, but that shouldn't matter to me surely? Of course I do everything for him just like I do for the others and I hope he never has any inkling of how I feel. But I often feel quite sad and guilty about it, especially as I've never heard of anyone else who has this issue. Am I really alone? Don't shoot me down in flames please.

OP posts:

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 19:22

Good for you! And happy Mother's day Wish I was spending it not curled up in bed with awful morning sickness :(

pho3be · 26/03/2017 19:36

I'm that child dm made no apologies for disliking me. I was shy & quiet unlike my confident siblings. Hasn't done me much harm I'm a better parent for it though because I know how not to treat my kids

Original poster

Smashingzucchini · 27/03/2017 21:21

A belated thanks to all those who commented supportively on this thread. For context, DS is my middle child: I have a 5 year old and a baby and I'm working as well so I suppose I'd always feel like I'm spread a bit thin. No, he doesn't have any genetic disease; by 'unusual looking' I just mean 'not conventionally handsome' . I don't really understand what someone meant when they said this is a 'red flag' - to me its just a fact. By 'not an easy child' I meant that he is (and has always been) sensitive, easily upset and difficult to soothe, stubborn and self-willed - like lots of toddlers, I suppose. Currently in the middle of horrendous protracted toilet training with him so this may be colouring my views of him somewhat. Yes, they all have the same dad; luckily he and DS have a very close relationship so hopefully this is enough to counter any deficit on my part. I'll try the love-bombing anyway; it's something practical I can definitely do and can't hurt. I haven't the time or the money for therapy anyway!

OP posts:

dementedma · 27/03/2017 21:23

I don't love all of mine equally,and they don't love me equally. Or if they do, they don't show it.

UptheChimne · 27/03/2017 21:27

and I hope he never has any inkling of how I feel

He will know.

You say he's not "easy" - sounds like that's his response already to your ambivalence about him. Poor lad.

Booshbeesh · 27/03/2017 22:02

You second post seemed abit like "well who cares anyway".. what u said was really mean. Not conventionally handsome. Wtaf?! Ur loved is measured by how good looking they are? There not toys to show off. You CHOSE to have them. Thwy didnt choose to be born. I have a middle child also and because of the closeness in age in the other 2 she sometimes feels.pushed put. But my love for her is no different. I think ur very mean. Nothing wrong with an off day but to say ur baby doesnt look as nice as ud want him too and that hes more sensitive then the othwrs amd for that i dont love him like ur own? Ur truely horrible

StripeyMonkey1 · 27/03/2017 22:09

I think I would try to focus a little less on comparisons.

It sounds to me very much like you love each child differently. If you are concerned that it is not enough, then I would try to focus instead on what you think is wonderful about him and also on how you can help him to be the best he can best in his own unique way. If you are working with him and see small successes, that will only increase your love for him

Tigerpaws57 · 27/03/2017 22:28

You are definitely not mean in any way! What a cruel remark to your honest admission. And I am sure he will never have an inkling of how you feel because you are determined to ensure he doesn't. Which shows what a good mum you are and how much you actually do love him. Agree with the advice to fake it till you make it as you will probably find your feelings grow as you get to know and accept him more. My experience is that however they start out, each child can bring rewards - or disappointments - in ways we don't initially imagine.

Funnyfarmer · 27/03/2017 22:32

My db's and I found out a few years ago that our dm received counciling because she was unable to love us. Can't say any of us was surprised but still very hurtful to hear even though it was all 3 off us. Think it would have felt a lot worse if it was just me who was singled out.
Really don't know what to suggest though. The counciling didn't help my mum. She told me my eldest dd is the only child she has ever loved even though she has 3 other dgc's think she just excepted it eventually.
Even though it hurt I wouldn't say either of us are scared for life or anything but it definitely made a difference to her parenting skills. Hope you find a way to resolve this for you and all your dcs because it could also leave your other dcs with a massive burden of guilt if not sorted.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 27/03/2017 22:40

I think many parents feel this way and will not ever admit it and I am sure many over compensate given the impression that child is their favourite

Not all parents have a deep love and attachment to their children, op isn't saying she hasn't just she doesn't feel it on the same deep level as she does for her other children that doesn't make her a bad person at all

So you have the ability to love and feel that attachment (not all parents do) but trying to understand why with your son may help unlock and build feelings

But things may never change but that doesn't stop you being a good, loving and responsible parent as it's down to you how you deal with this difficult feels

nirit · 28/03/2017 01:35

Don t you worry, he ll forget about you very quickly in life. I am a middle child and (according to my mother) the least pretty, and she was always distant with me. Approx when I was in my early twenties I quietly said goodbye to her, and have kept my distance from her, keeping a very superficial relationship. But it wasn t until I became a mother that I really realized how horrendously she treated me. I used to be very angry and I despise her lack of affection and I don t really care about her. She didn t care about me, so why would I?
It s funny though that we hardly ever had any open conflicts.. I found her effusive affection for my DS fake.
She became mother very early and I was her second daughter (out of 3), I don t think she ever knew how to love anyone.

PerspicaciaTick · 28/03/2017 02:16

There have been many similar threads on MN, I think it is more common then we care to discuss.
Advice is usually to spend more 1-2-1 time with your child, get to know them, their sense of humour, their worries, their passions and appreciate their strengths.Give yourself lots of chances and situations in which that bond can start to grow. Be silly with them and laugh with them and comfort them wholeheartedly. Act like you can't wait to hear about their day, take them to the park, listen to their awful jokes. Basically "fake it til you make it". The bond will grow over time, it isn't too late.

Funnyfarmer · 28/03/2017 07:43

Nirit. I was very angry at my dm for a long time. Again it was when I became a mum and realised how it "should be done" even went nc for a while. She only ever contacted me if she needed money or somewhere to stay. Being angry takes a lot of effort though. We get on quite well now. We've not got a mother/daughter relationship but we see each other fairly regularly. I'm also very aware she can't take to my youngest dd. That's ok she doesn't like her either. But she does try in a way

BlackeyedSusan · 28/03/2017 07:52

stop sodding potty training til he is ready. especially as you are ambivalent to him at the moment. (i suspect you do not like the potty training and misplacing your feelings. ) (

give yourselves a break. rekindling the feelings is more important than a dry bum.

there were times when one or other was at a more difficult stage, it is hard not to ascribe the feelings you have about the stage to the child.

we waited with ds til he was ready. we introduced the potty etc, did all the right things, but still kept the pull-ups. lot less stressful. he trained in 1 day all by himself. (ok I did stuff but it was not a major deal)

amboinsainbos · 28/03/2017 08:03

Going against the grain here.....this isn't very uncommon, but as long as you treat them the same then I don't think it requires therapy ASAP. If it continues to bother you and you need to establish why you feel like this then by all means seek help.

Ampersand22 · 28/03/2017 08:06

I was the third girl and a large baby, 10lbs when my sisters had been 6lbs. Naturally they thought I was the much-awaited boy and it was so obvious I wasn't wanted, all through childhood and beyond. They really couldn't be arsed by the time I came along. I tried to oblige by pretending to like motor racing and fishing, nobody bothered to find out what I actually liked. Nobody seemed to like me that much, I could tell from the age of 3.

Pious sob story to some. A tale of a blighted life to others. Get some counselling OP and fake it til you make it.

BeaveredBadgered · 28/03/2017 09:30

OP you do sound spread a bit thin and frustrated, which is understandable as far as the potty training is concerned.
You're self aware enough to have identified the issue and want to improve things so the love bombing sounds like a good place to start. Don't rule therapy out. Yes, it's expensive but it might help to make sense of your feelings and lead to better bonding with your son.

wigglybeezer · 28/03/2017 09:43

I get what you are saying OP, it's my oldest child that I have had to work harder at my relationship with, he has been a handful all the way along and is the only one out of my three who I have really lost my temper with. He is 18 now and has just left home and so I have been reflecting a lot, I think he has ended up with the closest bond with me in , forged through adversity, he demanded a lot of me, I gave a lot, despite sometimes resenting it and in the end it has worked out. I think you can end up loving most the one who needs you the most. I have always been honest with my children about feelings though. The other two have had shorter periods of needing me the most and our bonds have grown at those times too.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5