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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to 'love' one of my DC as much as the others?

118 replies

Smashingzucchini · 26/03/2017 15:55

Name changed for this as such a taboo topic....I have 3 DC and just don't feel the same about one as I do about the others. I never felt the same rush of love for him when he was a little baby, and although I do feel affection for him a lot of the time and appreciate when he's being sweet or funny, it feels more like the emotion I feel for my nephews and nieces, or my friends' kids, than my own child. I have been waiting for things to change but he's three now so it seems unlikely. He was actually my easiest birth and I I didn't have PND or anything so no idea really why this is. He is slightly unusual looking (not in a bad way) and not an easy child, but that shouldn't matter to me surely? Of course I do everything for him just like I do for the others and I hope he never has any inkling of how I feel. But I often feel quite sad and guilty about it, especially as I've never heard of anyone else who has this issue. Am I really alone? Don't shoot me down in flames please.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 18:20

Some incredibly OTT responses here. Nowhere has the OP suggested she emotionally unavailable or neglectful.

MN is shocking for people leaping to half-baked conclusions based on things they have read but not properly understood.

Canyouseethis · 26/03/2017 18:26

Well to be fair, as the OP hasn't returned, all people can do is jump to conclusions?

armpitz · 26/03/2017 18:28

That's not all they can do - they can just maybe accept what OP has told us and not make too many assumptions?

Now let's all have Gin

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 18:29

Canyouseethis:

Why? They could just reserve judgement, surely.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 26/03/2017 18:30

Have skimmed....always read ops posts but that hasn't taken long!

I think, if you have a least favourite child, you fake it til you make it. They should never, ever know.

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 18:31

And sorry but I agree with Slattern, while if you do a quick google you will see the causes of attachment disorders listed as awful things like ignoring needs, leaving babies unattended for hours, never showing any affection etc. But I agree regardless of labels, weak parent child bonds can have lasting emotional impacts on children, even if they are not being neglected. I don't think anyone is suggesting that the OP fits any neglectful behaviours, but I think it is important for her to be aware that, not something to just ignore or accept as the status quo. Describing him as "unusual looking" was a little worrying to me personally :(

Slatternesque · 26/03/2017 18:32

I have no idea what Natural Mamas is, but I'm assuming it's some kind of reference to attachment parenting.

I'm not familiar with attachment parenting, but my field is concerned with mental health, attachment theory and child development.

I don't think I have met any service user with BPD/ an eating disorder who does not have attachment difficulties of a greater or lesser degree.

armpitz · 26/03/2017 18:34

I would agree with BPD. Eating disorders? Not sure on that one. But at any rate, that's not what op is describing. We think :)

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 18:38

I think it is important for her to be aware that, not something to just ignore or accept as the status quo.

She doesn't accept it. That's why she is posting about it, because she is upset about it. Hmm

Slatternesque · 26/03/2017 18:40

What's not what the OP is describing?

She's describing not feeling as emotionally connected to one child, as the others. We have no way of knowing how this comes across. There is a strong likelihood, if it is not addressed, that this child WILL become aware as he gets older, that there is an element of emotional distance between him and his mother compared to his siblings. That he's loved "like a nephew".

That's dangerous territory right there, and should be addressed. I think it is very positive that the OP is concerned, and is taking steps to examine what's going on, and if things are dealt with effectively (maybe family therapy, individual therapy for OP) then hopefully things will pan out ok for them all.

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 18:42

Trifle that's my point.Hmm Some posters have replied saying in a nutshell that it's normal to feel this way.

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 18:47

And was going to say similar to Slattern, these things can have a snowball effect and the child's reactions can lead into the role of the "difficult child", because the attitude of the parents perpetuates this. Unfortunately that's what happened with my eldest brother, he was a shit to my mum (all of us) and blames her for treating her differently, she felt disconnected from him because he behaved so awfully. We had a lot of family therapy when we were younger, and only one person was intelligent enough to see what was going on. There was a lot of pandering on his behalf - I guess the difficult thing is, once the damage has been done, it's been done.

Oblomov17 · 26/03/2017 18:49

I do think 'attachment disorder' is a very serious issue, that we must give utter respect to - we mustn't be flippant or dismissive in categorising OP's situation, as meeting the criteria.

What things, which aspects of what the OP has said meets the criteria.

'Love bombing' is, in its basic ideas, a lovely thing, but I'm not sure suggesting such a base thing is a good idea either, for addressing this complex issue.

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 18:52

AllTheGlitters:

It is normal to feel this way. That doesn't mean it doesn't need to be addressed, but the OP shouldn't be beating herself up xxx

Trifleorbust · 26/03/2017 18:52

Those kisses were sympathy with the OP Blush

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 18:53

I think love bombing could be useful if there are tensions between OP and DS if she feels she's not doing a good job hiding her feelings from DS/they are having a difficult time, but agree it doesn't replace proper support for the OP to come to terms with why she feels this way and what she can do to either change the way she feels or make sure it doesn't effect her relationship with DS.

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 18:54

Okay, bad choice of words on my part, but still no need for the scepticism. I simply meant I hope the OP doesn't refrain from seeking support because it's "normal".

thebakerwithboobs · 26/03/2017 18:56

Some posters have replied saying in a nutshell that it's normal to feel this way.

I'm not sure if you meant my post here, as I said I love my children differently, as they are different people. As it's Mother's Day, they're here, so I just asked them if they ever thought I loved one of them more than the others and after much banter and hilarity they have agreed that the only person they feel I would choose over any of them is the dog. They are correct Grin

Elendon · 26/03/2017 18:57

Too right it's a taboo subject. My ex made it clear it was his son he loved the most out of his three children.

He made it very clear to his daughters. Funny, though, his son doesn't really like him. (And I suspect that's exactly why he did it.)

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 18:59

No baker, I don't think so :) When children are older I think it's normal to have different relationships within families just as other non related people do. I always got on well with my dad and not so much with my mum, I still know my mum loves me very much though. Although it's hard to say truthfully I felt close to her growing up.. Childhood and parenting is such a shitstorm! Confused

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 19:01

Elendon that's awful Shock

Elendon · 26/03/2017 19:02

None of my children harmed me physically whilst giving birth to them.

However my last child, my son, refused to sleep alone. So exh not getting his dick wet on a regular basis was the reason why he sought someone else.

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 19:07

Oh bless you, I'm so sorry, what a wankstain Flowers

aprilanne · 26/03/2017 19:08

personally i don,t understand it .i mean sometimes i like one son more than others usually the one who is less annoying at the time .but dont love then any different .BUT i do admire your honesty and obviously you realise it isn,t right or you would,nt be on here

Elendon · 26/03/2017 19:11

Childhood and parenting is such a shitstorm!

Absolutely agree. Thanks for the flowers. I'm off out to a lovely dinner with friends and family. Without the wankstain.