AIBU not to 'love' one of my DC as much as the others?

[Smashingzucchini]

Name changed for this as such a taboo topic....I have 3 DC and just don't feel the same about one as I do about the others. I never felt the same rush of love for him when he was a little baby, and although I do feel affection for him a lot of the time and appreciate when he's being sweet or funny, it feels more like the emotion I feel for my nephews and nieces, or my friends' kids, than my own child. I have been waiting for things to change but he's three now so it seems unlikely. He was actually my easiest birth and I I didn't have PND or anything so no idea really why this is. He is slightly unusual looking (not in a bad way) and not an easy child, but that shouldn't matter to me surely? Of course I do everything for him just like I do for the others and I hope he never has any inkling of how I feel. But I often feel quite sad and guilty about it, especially as I've never heard of anyone else who has this issue. Am I really alone? Don't shoot me down in flames please.

Now come on AllTheGlitters, armpitz clearly had a great childhood. Look at her completely normal healthy reaction to this thread...

Attachment disorder is actually quite hard to give a child. I know many people think it can be caused by not picking a baby up as soon as she cries but in fact to really saddle a baby with attachment disorder you would need to completely ignore her needs, only do the bare minimum to keep her alive, albeit hungry and cold. That isn't what op is describing, and misapplying attachment conclusions in the context of what is presumably (as OP hasn't said otherwise) normal and adequate parenting, is unfair.

I do think it's easy to damage a child's psyche but in cases like this where the feelings are not deliberate (in other words a child hasn't been unfairly scapegoated because of his sex, birth order, father or other reasons outside of his control) then often the caregiver is so anxious about transmitting the feelings that the child not only doesn't know but mistakenly his siblings feel he is the favourite!

I do find topics like this frustrating because I recognise many of us on MN came here to gain parenting support we didn't have from our own families but assuming everyone who may have shared a fleeting thought with your own parents is as bad as, or worse than, them, isn't right.

So - do I think OP should try really hard to bond with her little boy? Yes. But I don't think because of passing feelings, feelings she didn't choose and feels by all accounts horrendous about, she's screwing him up. I'm sure many parents have thought 'stop fucking screaming' for instance!

Anyway, OP, the unusual look thing is the biggest red flag. What exactly is different about the way he looks and why do you think it's causing a reaction for you?

Me? Ha ha no, mine was shit! But I don't assume every mother who has a glass of wine turns into my mum either.

but in fact to really saddle a baby with attachment disorder you would need to completely ignore her needs, only do the bare minimum to keep her alive, albeit hungry and cold.

Where are you getting this misinformation from?

Armpitz your explanation of attachment isn't entirely accurate; it's about 'good enough' parenting, so meeting enough of their needs enough of the time. A child doesn't need to be cold and hungry 100% of the time in order to develop an attachment disorder. If that were the case I'd have far fewer children in my work with attachment problems.

armpitz

so your mum was an alcoholic? i thought two posts ago you were explaining how you just "clicked more" with your father and that it was perfectly fine. is this really about minimizing your old childhood wounds? pretending that children only need one good parent, that sort of thing?

i appreciate it's probably a defense mechanism thing but i don't see how it's helpful to pretend to the OP that this is just hunky dory in order to make your own parents seem better in comparison.

I did click more with my dad Apple, and my brother always clicked more with my mum. In itself that would have been harmless and positive even but unfortunately my mum wanted perfect children

But it's not about me. I think when people leap all over an OP they actually stop subjects being discussed. The intentions might be good but if people are saying to you 'well MY parents were Fred and rose west and YOU are just like them or you will be if you don't get help!' - it's not really cricket, is it?

Coz this ain't headlice, you can't nip down the chemist! What we CAN do is let people explore why they might feel as they do.

I think op has vanished though!

in fact to really saddle a baby with attachment disorder you would need to completely ignore her needs, only do the bare minimum to keep her alive, albeit hungry and cold.

Totally untrue.

There's more than one type of attachment disorder, and many many causes of them.

armpitz you're correct in that attachment disorder is a serious disorder and not what is happening here (most likely)
But, poor attachment relationships are very common and can be improved. So there is nothing wrong with advising the op on how to improve the relationship. A poor attachment relationship can and regularly does lead to emotional difficulties as a teen or adult so it is perfectly reasonable to advise the op to work on it for the child's sake. Nobody said she was fucking the child up did they?

My mother was absolutely shit as a parent to both me and my brother, but it manifested itself in different ways : he was mollycoddled and not allowed to grow up and reach his potential and I was told I was useless and ugly. It too until I was an adult to really work things out and I found that I just felt nothing for her and that was such a relief. It was very much her problem and not me.

She died a couple of months ago and I felt nothing other than relief that a very unhappy women has finally been put out of her misery and ours too.

I don't think I've completely bonded with either of my two girls. I love them, but in a vague, distant way. My husband compensates for my failings though and, you know what, they are happy, well adjusted and have no idea at all of my failings because it's normal for them. Just as my childhood was normal for me.

We only have very limited info from the OP but she says "I do everything for him just like I do for the others."

So I assume he has been picked up and held when he cried, had his nappy changed, sang songs too, read stories, went to the park and the beach and swimming and so on.

Where attachment is concerned, there is no evidence at all that following the precepts of so called attachment parenting has any long term impact on a child's attachment to his caregivers. That is not to say attachment can't be damaged along the way but usually by abuse or neglect which without any other information from the OP I would tend to say isn't the case.

Smashingzucchini you are not alone. I think only you can work out if you need to do something about it. Here are a couple of older threads that may help you realise you are
a) not alone
b) not the devil incarnate - just human
c) maybe some stuff to think about doing to change things is you want.

If you want a thread about this I would seriously consider starting one on the Relationships board not AIBU - somewhat more supportive!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/531361-do-you-secretly-have-a-favourite-child

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2011250-I-do-have-a-favourite-And-I-feel-sick-about-it

armpitz I think you're derailing this thread, minimising potential harm and have already been offensive to other posters. Maybe it's time to step back.

Galla - sorry, we're cross posting! I'm afraid yes if you read through the thread, there are a number of posts heavily implying or indeed outwardly stating that OP needs to change her feelings at once.

Other than that I agree with your post.

I see the OP has posted and not returned.

I don't think I am derailing it. Certainly I am approaching it from a different angle but no harm in that :) I don't think OP needs to feel guilt or shame or remorse about her feelings - I wouldn't recommend she discusses them over the breakfast table but I think if she continues to care for and show affection to her child the love will come.

I have noted I was harsh with my earlier post and am happy to apologise for offence caused but stand by the main principles, i.e., the thread ain't about you (generic 'you'!)

Msqueen. Yes this is me too. All of us are nd in our house. I find I feel more attached to whoever needs me most at the time. Which I think is natural. I don't think I actually love one more than the others but I feel more loving & compassionate towards whoever is having that hardest time at present. Unsure if that relates to op at all. Buy I don't think it's unnatural to love children differently as they are all different people.

"Nobody said she was fucking the child up did they?"

Not in as many words, no, but that definitely was the gist of a few posts.

I think armpitz is catching a lot of grief, which is a shame, because I agree with her, and certainly she hasn't pretended that anything the OP has said is "hunky dory".

I would probably never start a thread on mumsnet about a genuine concern, especially on AIBU, because people respond in a way they never would to a friend. A lot of posters are very short on sympathy but quick to fire off damning verdicts based on not much information.

Where attachment is concerned, there is no evidence at all that following the precepts of so called attachment parenting has any long term impact on a child's attachment to his caregivers

But nobody said that did they?

Ok I'll admit I haven't read every reply in detail so maybe I'm missing them but it does seem that you're arguing a straw man.
Attachment relationships exist between every child and care giver. Just like any other relationship, they can be strengthened. Attachment parenting is a completely different concept and not related.

I think you need to actively work on your relationship. Spend time alone with him, really listen to him, give him time. Connect with him, meet his needs and build attachment.

Children are people and sometimes you will like a person more than you like another.

armpitz Yes you are right. Many children go through phases of being annoying or unpleasant or challenging and you might either totally gel or totally clash personality-wise with any of your children, but that is a completely separate emotion to the love you feel for them. You can dislike your child intensely at times but still love them with a passion that never waivers.

The fact that you don't see that and talk about 'liking' or not 'liking' them in such detached and overly simplistic terms worries me.

We have a post which says '(people are) pointing out what can happen as a sad result of attachment disorders between parents and children.' I am pointing out it's pretty hard to give a child attachment disorder - which isn't to say you can't cause problems and distress for them in any other way.

At any rate I think we all agree OP should work on strengthening the bond with her child but where we disagree is where she is now so to speak. Some seem to think we have a cold woman deliberately favouring her other children over this little boy. If that's the case, I agree - he's being set up for long term damage, but I didn't get that impression from OPs post :)

"Attachment disorder is actually quite hard to give a child. I know many people think it can be caused by not picking a baby up as soon as she cries but in fact to really saddle a baby with attachment disorder you would need to completely ignore her needs, only do the bare minimum to keep her alive, albeit hungry and cold. That isn't what op is describing, and misapplying attachment conclusions in the context of what is presumably (as OP hasn't said otherwise) normal and adequate parenting, is unfair."

Stonking utter bullshit right here.

Attachment issues are not black and white. It's more of a continuum. RAD or DID are on the severe end of the scale as regards possible outcomes, and would be more likely in the scenario you describe.

Emotionally unavailable parents create a perfect environment to develop BPD, for example (or traits, which still has a profound effect on one's ability to maintain healthy relationships, but doesn't meet criteria for clinical diagnosis). Regularly seen when attachment is "not good enough", and BPD traits ain't exactly a walk in the park either.

I would very genuinely be interested in a study that shows the above - a 'proper' one not one from natural mamas or similar!

Yes, you can easily, easily damage a child's sense of self worth, identity and self esteem. I'm not disputing that. But that's not the same as AD.