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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to 'love' one of my DC as much as the others?

118 replies

Smashingzucchini · 26/03/2017 15:55

Name changed for this as such a taboo topic....I have 3 DC and just don't feel the same about one as I do about the others. I never felt the same rush of love for him when he was a little baby, and although I do feel affection for him a lot of the time and appreciate when he's being sweet or funny, it feels more like the emotion I feel for my nephews and nieces, or my friends' kids, than my own child. I have been waiting for things to change but he's three now so it seems unlikely. He was actually my easiest birth and I I didn't have PND or anything so no idea really why this is. He is slightly unusual looking (not in a bad way) and not an easy child, but that shouldn't matter to me surely? Of course I do everything for him just like I do for the others and I hope he never has any inkling of how I feel. But I often feel quite sad and guilty about it, especially as I've never heard of anyone else who has this issue. Am I really alone? Don't shoot me down in flames please.

OP posts:

BillSykesDog · 26/03/2017 17:03

Overcompensate even if you don't mean it.

Gallavich · 26/03/2017 17:06

Your attachment relationship hasn't developed fully for some reason. Did you have PND? Have to go back to work too soon?
There are programmes you can look at to build attachment but basically you need to spend lots of quality time together building the relationship. It can be done - people do with adopted and fostered children. It takes effort though.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 26/03/2017 17:06

You really do need to address this, he will pick up on it. Is he the youngest? -Was he planned or was he an accident that has changed the family dynamic in a bad way?
Please seek help for what is essentially your problem, non of this is him.

Footle · 26/03/2017 17:08

BeingaTwat, I think you probably are being a twat. OP would also, I'm
prepared to bet, lay down her life for this child. He's her child.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 26/03/2017 17:08

This will blight his life from the moment he starts noticing how you feel - and he will notice, if he hasn't started already.

I am sorry you feel this way, it must be hard to live with. But I'm more sorry for your son.

MatildaTheCat · 26/03/2017 17:10

OP doesn't say she doesn't love her son just not the same as her other DC. I strongly suspect that if,god forbid, he developed a serious illness or had an accident you'd find you loved him very much indeed.

My ds was difficult to like at times during childhood due to his really quite atrocious behaviour. We did love him very much but it wasn't the easy love we had for our easier DC. He's actually gone on to become the more caring and loving of the two as an adult so certainly don't think that at 3 this is a permanent situation.

Is it possible to spend some one to one time doing nice stuff together? Swimming is very bonding.

PopCakes · 26/03/2017 17:10

As PP have said it's not like you've chosen to feel this way but I do think you need to address it. Could there be some reason for it that you're not consciously aware of - could you seek counselling?

FoSho · 26/03/2017 17:12

I only have one dd and I love her very much but I have been feeling a lack of connection with her lately, as well as a general feeling of anxiety/depression. I posted a thread about it on here asking if it was possible I could have pnd as she is just under three and I was fine in her first year, and the replies said yes. One poster said that the most common time for it to kick it is when the child turns four. I am wondering if this could the same for your case. Do you think there's any chance it could be this?

Rafflesway · 26/03/2017 17:16

I was that child.

I was her firstborn but father did the "Disappearing act" before I was born - they weren't married - and mother went on to marry another man and they had their own DC. From that day on I could sense I was a massive inconvenience. Left home at 15 and never looked back although did keep in touch with them for a few years.

However, I grew up with dreadful low self esteem and still suffer with this - I have no close friends as I feel second class to everyone else - despite being over 60, having had a wonderfully successful career and a marvellous marriage. This was the main reason I decided to have only one DC myself and we both idolise our, now adult, DD. I have been NC with mother or any of her family for 30 years plus! Don't even know if she is still alive! (Sorry not projecting but just pointing out what can happen when things like this continue.)

Please OP, don't allow your little boy grow up as I did. He will definitely start to notice in a couple of years unless you can discover real feelings for him. Do whatever it takes as soon as possible. He didn't ask to be brought into this world - it was YOUR choice! I do hope you find a solution soon. I can honestly say I have zero feelings for my mother. How would you feel if your DS said that about you in 20/30 years time?

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 17:22

OP I hope you can find resolution, please take on board what posters with first hand experience of this have said. Your emotional bonds will shape your little boy's entire life, it's not that your at fault for feeling this way, because many things can cause you to feel like this. How you act going forward however, is entirely in your hands.

I second that you look into attachment parenting/bonding, even if it is aimed at adoptive/foster parents. PND can manifest itself in different ways and cause bonding/attachment issues too, and it doesn't necessarily have to start shortly after birth either.

Where does your partner stand in all this? Are you able to talk to him about how you feel? You don't even have to say exactly how you are feeling in graphic detail, but explaining to him that you have noticed/are worried that you haven't bonded with DS might be a good start.

Please seek support, I wish you and your DS all the very best, which is what he deserves

thebakerwithboobs · 26/03/2017 17:24

OP, is it possible that you are actually just overthinking the fact that your love is different rather than less? We have six sons and I adore them all. That adoration, however, differs for each one. It's very hard to explain but they are all such different lads. A couple are just like me-I know what they're thinking before they do-and so I find them easy to understand, second guess, empathise with. They are also so similar to me that I could chin them sometimes! Another is a carbon copy of my lovely husband-looks, personality, mannerisms-and my love for him is totally different because I see all the parts of his personality that complement my own. Another is so completely different from all of us and loud, extrovert, attention seeker-he is a riot and I admire his ballsy nature and 'don't give a sh**' attitude (a pig to parent but he worries me the least...) as so the list goes on. If your first two children are very similar-your love and responses to them are possibly similar. This is a different child, with different quirks, different behaviours and so will prompt different responses from you. It's not the same, but consider your closest friends-all very different but for different reasons.

If, though, there really is a problem, I can only echo what you already know-he should never know. Celebrate his successes, commiserate when he falls and be his cheerleader. All children need that.

armpitz · 26/03/2017 17:26

I hate it when posters come on with their sad faces and their pious sob stories about a blighted childhood and assure OPs their child will be the same as them. World revolving round you, much?

Children are people and sometimes you will like a person more than you like another. I think what is quite common in two parent/two child families is one child bonds very deeply with one parent and the other child with the other. They love the other parent/child to bits but there is that special bond with one. I was like this with my dad: we just 'clicked' as you might say to friends.

Now there ARE horrible sinister families where one child is deliberately set up to be the golden boy (or girl) and the other isn't but that doesn't sound the case to me here.

saoirse31 · 26/03/2017 17:27

Would agree with others, he will notice, and it is not nice to realise ur the one whose not loved or cared for as much.

magicgirl74 · 26/03/2017 17:27

I was also that child and i knew my parents prefered my younger brother from a young age and its not nice.As a result of my childhood I've had MH problems most of my adult life and now in my forties i am very low contact with my parents as they still idolise my brother.Well done for acknowledging you have a problem and please please try to get help and please try not to let you son know how you feel as the damage it causes can last a lifetime x

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 17:29

I get your point armpitz but emotional bonds in the early can and do effect children. I don't think the OP should fret that her child will turn out like some posters', but that is what can happen if these things aren't addressed.

It's not the same as having an affinity with one parent's personality at this age, children need to feel loved unconditionally, regardless of personalty differences. At this age that doesn't give the parent leeway to be less affectionate to one child.

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 17:30

And I don't think they thought the world "revolves around them", they are pointing out what can happen as the sad result of attachment disorders between parents and children.. It's not fair to berate them for that.

Msqueen33 · 26/03/2017 17:30

I adore all three of mine. Two have autism and I feel more connected to one of them than I do my eldest. My youngest although I know I love her am struggling with a connection as she's non verbal. I think sometimes we do connect with some of our children more than others. I think you probably need to see why you feel like this.

armpitz · 26/03/2017 17:32

Yes, I was harsh there but I do dislike (as you can tell!) people reading one or two lines, projecting them onto their own situations and surmising that things will be the same!

You cannot know that. It is fine to say 'this happened to me and so this could happen to you' but to state it will is pretty arrogant. It implies superior knowledge the rest of us don't have!

It's common sense that preferring one sibling over the other openly and blatently is unwise (responsible for one of the first attempted murders on record, if the Old Testament is to be believed) but I simply do not buy that there aren't numerous parents who have a child they find more exasperating / difficult / remote than the other one(s) they have. Usually, as I've said, one child tends to gravitate towards one parent anyway.

Vegansnake · 26/03/2017 17:32

I completely understand,and in my experience it changes as they grow and develop,and you change and grow as mother,it passes with time

armpitz · 26/03/2017 17:33

But there's a huge, huge gulf between attachment disorders and what OP describes.

Vegansnake · 26/03/2017 17:36

Just thinking back...I found myself overcompensating with one child where the inlaws clearly favoured the eldest...it made life difficult and was obvious they preferred the eldest child...and I just on autopilot seemed to adjust that at home...could someone be favouring the child yr not feeling the same about..?

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 17:37

I'm not sure I agree. She seems to have not bonded well with her child, and is reaching out because that's how she feels?

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 17:38

And sorry, I didn't realise any posters did say her child will end up like that, if that's the case I think that's wrong too!

Rafflesway · 26/03/2017 17:41

Nobody is saying it WILL happen armpitz but it happens more often than is generally known.

You obviously had a wonderful childhood! So sorry that people who didn't offend you so much. . This is an open forum and the OP is asking for a variety of opinions and experiences which is what has been provided including that of your own which is just as valid as mine in its own way.

AllTheGlitters · 26/03/2017 17:42

And it's not her that could have the attachment disorder, it's her child, if there is potentially inadequate bond between the parent and child. I don't think there is enough info to know how deep it goes though, really. I do hope the OP gets some support though

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