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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

But can you spoil a baby by holding them?

229 replies

Missmac84 · 26/03/2017 12:17

My 2 week old cries unless being held or in his pram.

My sister was up last week and spent the whole week holding him apart from at bedtime.

Can this have caused the issues I'm now having or am I being daft?!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 10:02

there'd usually come a time when it'd be really handy to pop her in a pram (when drinking a hot tea or going to the loo) and I'd wished I'd just taken the pram out to start with.

Totally. My DD likes her sling for looking at the world but she doesn't want to sleep in it, she wants her pram. And when she doesn't get sleep when she is tired, all hell breaks loose.

I have no issue with other people 'baby wearing' - it's just not for me.

skerrywind · 27/03/2017 10:05

trifle what's your beef?

sherazade · 27/03/2017 10:06

Out of interest , what sling are you using trifle ? Are you back carrying so your dd can look out ?

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 10:07

skerrywind:

You've just called my idea of parenting 'hideous' - what do you think my beef is?

StrawberryMummy90 · 27/03/2017 10:08

training babies

What a hideous thought

Not as hideous as your sanctimonious posts on this thread. You should honestly be ashamed of yourself, I've read through this whole thread and all you do is judge other mothers for the choices they make. Vile.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 10:08

sherazade:

I wouldn't want to carry her on my back. We have a baby bjorn and a decent cloth/stretchy sling (can't remember the name). She likes both but not for long periods and I find them physically tricky.

BeaveredBadgered · 27/03/2017 10:11

Skerry the OP tells us her newborn baby cries if put in its pram.

Can you see how telling us your baby never cried might seem a little smug and unhelpful?

Fair enough to answer the OP with your opinion- she ask if a baby could be over cuddled after all, but is the rest totally necessary?

ScoobyDoosTinklyLaugh · 27/03/2017 10:11

You can't spoil a baby with cuddles but you do have to put them down sometimes.

Grin at the poster whose babies never cried.
Well done you.

My baby would only not scream if you held her in a very specific way, of which the requirements changed every few days, an example would be holding her dangling, by underneath the armpits, about 10 inches in front of you. A sling wasn't an acceptable replacement for this, like fuck would she be happy in one of those things. She'd go berserk when I put her down anywhere it was awful. I had to put her down sometimes though, I had to poo, shower, make food eventually - I'd go without for a couple of days but needs must! Thankfully she was also alright in the pram and I could take her out for walks but only if you walked really fast over a rough terrain.

She would only have her daytime naps on me till about 14 months too, the little shit.

sherazade · 27/03/2017 10:12

Am not trying to be patronising at all trifle
But have you tried a soft structured sling like a connecta ? The Bjorn I found really tricky . I had one for my first ( who was rarely carried anyway as she was a placid play mat type baby) and she would never sleep in it as it was facing out so and never held her in a way that would be conducive to sleep. It killed my back too.
The stretchies too i found were no good after a month .
I used to be totally wary of baby carrying / wearing whatever u want to call it but it has changed my life which is probably why I harp on about it !

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 10:16

sherazade/

I don't take it as patronising at all, don't worry! We won't be buying any more slings as she is actually perfectly happy in her pram and (now she has been 'trained' - not through being left to cry but through a steady process of little and often) on her mat or in her bouncer/door bouncer/cot while I do things round the house. She was hard work when she was born but she is a fairly happy baby now Grin

Thank you.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 10:17

I had to poo, shower, make food eventually - I'd go without for a couple of days but needs must!

Oh you poor thing Flowers Cake

BeaveredBadgered · 27/03/2017 10:20

sherazade is the connecta like the nct caboo? I liked the caboo but always felt like I might smother my DD as her face nestled in my chest whichever way I used it. Also have the Bjorn one which has been more successful.
I'd like to find something in between (more structured that caboo but comfier than bjorn).

sassolino · 27/03/2017 10:22

I think if you hold them all and every time they are sleeping they struggle to learn how to sleep alone. Rod for your own back and all that.
What a ridiculous Super-nanny-crap statement. And totally not true. You cannot spoil a baby by holding them.

sherazade · 27/03/2017 10:26

Fair enough *trifle

Beavered* it's not like a Caboo but it's a great thing to move on a from The caboo which is what I did this time round .
It's lighter, thinner and less structured than a bjorn and carries them much higher up so is much easier on your back and hips. I'll try to post a picture later on- just getting ds down for a nap !

BeaveredBadgered · 27/03/2017 10:31

Ah thanks sherzade sounds like it could suit well. We don't use a sling lots but have found it helpful for travel (especially flights) and days out to mix it up a bit with the pram so it'd be good to see a pic if not too much trouble. My lower back isn't great so could be a good choice for us.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 10:36

It does look very good.

MamaHanji · 27/03/2017 10:44

I second the connecta. I have a moby wrap and a ring sling but the connects is the easiest and best in my opinion.

It's hard to take from pictures but the grey is a moby type and the colourful is the connects. Best baby investment!

But can you spoil a baby by holding them?
But can you spoil a baby by holding them?
BeaveredBadgered · 27/03/2017 10:51

I do like the look of the connecta (and the gorgeous baby inside!). Thanks mama

MamaHanji · 27/03/2017 10:54

You're most welcome. Thank you. She loves pulling that face!

noeffingidea · 27/03/2017 11:09

No you won't 'spoil' your baby by holding them, OP.
You also won't spoil them by feeding and cuddling them then swaddling them and popping them in a crib with a dummy and rocking them to sleep, or popping them in their pram and taking them for a long walk.
It's up to you to find out what works best. I did a bit of all of the above (I suspect many parents do) and possibly other things as well, and ocassionally they did cry for a little. None of them were 'spoiled', they all are fine.
Enjoy your baby, and at the same time I would suggest to keep an open mind. Babies and situations can change.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 27/03/2017 11:24

Mine was happiest when cuddled, blissful contented baby when snuggled, desperate and howling when not.

For him, there wasnt any option of any gentle sleep training, he was utterly bereft and clearly couldn't cope when left without human contact, lying on his back in a cot for example.

But all babies are not the same, and I think perhaps this is the issue behind some of the dissent on here. If anyone tried to sleep train DSit would have broken him and been an incredibly cruel thing to do. But, other babies are totally different. For example, the idea of laying down a sleepy calm DS and him whining a little but in a grumpy way that fades into sleep/ calmness again... that would never have happened with DS. So for me, that shows that a baby who will grizzle and acquiesce is a whole different beast to the type of baby DS was. And putting that baby down for a little while would be good parenting, no issue.

I wonder if that's why for some people leaving a baby without human touch conjures up horrific scenes (as for my little squishy limpet DS!), but for others the whole 'baby wearing' as necessity conjures up ridiculous lentil weaving overkill (cushioning a baby who's not that fussed being strapped on the whole time etc).

I think the lesson is, baby's can be so, so, different. And although every baby needs secure attachment and plenty of human contact, one baby's needs will be satisfied in different ways from another.

I'm very glad we've moved on from the days when attachment wasn't considered important at all, that causes untold harm. My mother was told not to pick newborn me up except for feeding/changing as it would 'disturb' the baby. My mother adopted this mantra with enthusiasm (it fitted with her overall warped view of people), and from my earliest memories til today there isn't a bond with her at all. I still deal with the damage her lack of love caused.

But that damage is not caused by a few minutes in a cot when the baby's not actually distressed, and I think we need to remember that.

sherazade · 27/03/2017 12:15

You can still have a hot drink whilst carrying Wink

But can you spoil a baby by holding them?
But can you spoil a baby by holding them?
MrsRyanGosling15 · 27/03/2017 13:02

Trifle thanks for saying all the things that I couldn't be bothered typing on this thread!

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 13:33

MrsRyanGosling15:

Grin
noeffingidea · 27/03/2017 14:29

miscellaneous I think there tends to be an 'all or nothing' attitude on here.
I preferred for my babies to sleep in a cot or crib rather than on me,that doesn't mean to say I never cuddled them or left them crying. If they didn't settle I took them out again and cuddled them some more. I also did other things, like putting the tumble dryer on for white noise (always makes me sleepy as well).
Personally I would only carry my baby around 24/7 as an absolute last resort, luckily I never had to as all of mine settled without having to do that. I would never suggest another parent was wrong to do that kind of attatchment parenting though, it's entirely up to them.
This kind of discussion always seems to get a bit heated on here, not sure why.

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