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Original poster

But can you spoil a baby by holding them?

229 replies

Missmac84 · 26/03/2017 12:17

My 2 week old cries unless being held or in his pram.

My sister was up last week and spent the whole week holding him apart from at bedtime.

Can this have caused the issues I'm now having or am I being daft?!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 08:09

I still didn't prioritise ironing/dusting over her needs

I'm going to be blunt here and say you are starting to hike my blood pressure. This faux-trivial example of what a person might need to get done in order to make sure they're not living in total squalor is a prime example of the type of ridiculous guilt-tripping crap I am talking about.

I didn't prioritise the fucking dusting either. But I needed to eat. I needed my dishes to be washed. I needed to get through the piles of shit-stained laundry generated by my -explosively shitting-- 4 week old baby. I needed shopping. I needed to put that shopping in the cupboards. I needed to fold the washing and put it away. I needed to change the beds. I needed to wash myself. I needed to fill a top and tail and wash her, then I needed to empty it. I needed to sleep.

All these things I needed to do. That doesn't even touch on things I wanted to do, like the ironing and the dusting.

You are laying guilt trips on women for no reason and I think you should be ashamed.

Applebite · 27/03/2017 08:14

Your baby is tiny! He's just out of the womb where he was warm and held tightly at all times. Now it's cold and lonely and basic instinct tells him he could be eaten by a sabre tooth tiger if he isn't with his mummy.

THAT's why he wants to be held all the time.

I didn't get this at first either - I put my tiny newborn in her massive cold empty cot and then wondered why she wouldn't sleep!

It doesn't last long, OP. I know every minute feels like an hour, esp when it's 3am and they're screaming for milk and won't be put down, but honestly, blink and he'll be a great big toddler who just wants to run around and get everything rather than be held!

cathf · 27/03/2017 08:18

Tittu, do you put memes on fb about sinks full of dishes but homes full of love??
You seem the type.

Applebite · 27/03/2017 08:19

Oh and if it helps, DD slept mostly on me until we cottoned on and got a sleepyhead, which gave me about 3 hours unbroken sleep at a time. I also fed her to sleep until she was about 15 months old. At the moment she's a brilliant sleeper, points at her bed and lies down almost at once (although she does go through phases of being far too ready to get up far too early!).

I have friends who did months of sleep training, rigid routines, and their toddlers won't do this yet.

IN my purely anecdotal and not remotely scientific opinion, there are 2 types of young child: good sleepers and not so good sleepers. There's only so much you can do about it!

Applebite · 27/03/2017 08:20

Pressed post too soon - my point was, don't worry about "spoiling" them or making a rod for your own back, they will be as they are, mostly! I did everything you're not supposed to do for an independent sleeper and mine still goes to bed easily. You just have to do whatever you can to keep sane when you're exhausted :)

Original poster
Missmac84 · 27/03/2017 08:20

Trifleorbust:
I've felt awkward asking her to take a back seat. Her heart is in the right place and she's felt like she was helping me by giving me the rest time. She also was hovering over the basket whenever she was awake ready to grab my ds the minute he even made a noise. I did mention numerous times that he didn't need picking up every 2 seconds but this didn't have much of an impact.
If I had made a fuss of it she would have retreated back into her shell and stayed in her bed for the rest of he visit feeling like I was getting at her so I made he most of the night time cuddles and feeds.
This is the reason for my original post

OP posts:
skerrywind · 27/03/2017 08:21

I never left my babies to cry.

trifleorbust- all those things are important, but none urgent.

All can be done without ignoring the needs of a baby.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 08:26

skerrywind:

See, in some ways this is even worse. Not urgent, so don't do them when the baby needs you (which, according to some posters, is all the time). But important, so still need to be done. But not when baby is asleep because that is when I am meant to sleep. Oh well, I'll just do it all then Hmm

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 08:28

Missmac84:

Well, no harm done. Flowers

Try to assert yourself more. This can be done without being rude.

skerrywind · 27/03/2017 08:29

trifle the baby's needs have to be put first.

I don't leave babies to cry. Period.
I wore my babies and carried on with housework. Not difficult.

TittyGolightly · 27/03/2017 08:30

I'm not guilt tripping anybody. I'm pointing out that nobody needs to feel they shouldn't hold their NEWBORN baby a lot because there's other pointless shit that needs to be done in order to seem like the perfect mother. It's societal bullshit.

Perhaps you should get your mess checked. You're sounding unhinged.

TittyGolightly · 27/03/2017 08:30

*meds

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 08:31

skerrywind:

I honestly can't respond to that without being rude. So I won't.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 08:32

TittyGolightly:

Your posts are enough to wear down anyone's hinges. You are not playing the innocent: "I was only saying..."

Bollocks.

Alwaysfrank · 27/03/2017 08:33

Cathf speaks a lot of sense.

I think threads like these attract attachment parents and give a skewed impression of the world.

I have twins - you physically cannot cuddle two at once. They had plenty of cuddles whilst feeding but after that were put down even at two weeks old - either for naps in a carry cot, or on a playmat under a baby gym for playtime, in a bouncy chair or in the buggy to go out. No lasting damage seems to have been caused.

They were very contented babies though - perhaps that was just good luck.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 08:35

Alwaysfrank:

Perhaps you should have 'popped them in a sling' and got on with housework - not difficult, or so I'm told Wink

grannytomine · 27/03/2017 08:36

My granny, a wise old woman born at the end of the 19th century, always told me, "You can't spoil a child with love." I always thought it was a good motto.

TittyGolightly · 27/03/2017 08:44

Nobody has said that one person must cuddle a baby all of the time. Just that you can't spoil a baby by meetingntheir basic needs. While they're newborn, that's replicating the womb.

It's not about attachment parenting - it's pretty basic science!

skerrywind · 27/03/2017 08:45

trifle- parent as you wish.

My babies never cried.

Alwaysfrank · 27/03/2017 08:45

Trifle - at 7lbs each when born I don't think my back would have lasted for long!

Much easier to get on with things while they were kicking happily on a mat.

Reading this thread you would think there are only two options - a) leave baby to scream in a cold empty cot or b) cuddle constantly

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 08:49

Alwaysfrank:

Well, precisely. My baby has just gone down for her first nap, cuddled and contented, having spent an hour on her baby mat staring at her mobile and gooing at me, feeding 2-3 times since waking. I was up with her three times in the night so a nap would be nice, but instead I am expressing milk for the freezer. I have put a wash on and had breakfast today as well - I did those things between feeds while she was lying down. Balance.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 08:50

TittyGolightly:

I asked a fairly direct question upthread... Hmm

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 08:53

My babies never cried.

Star

There you go.

skerrywind · 27/03/2017 08:53

All babies are different.

My DS wouldn't sleep alone for more than 20 minutes and wanted to be cuddled constantly when awake.
My DD liked cuddles but was also happy to be laid on a mat and look out of the window or at her baby gym.

Jemimapiddleduck · 27/03/2017 08:54

DS1 didn't enjoy co-sleeping but was never left to cry slept through the night from 12 weeks. We used the sling more than the pram at a guess. Also did the whole Eat Wake Sleep thing unless he was crying in which case the boob went in. I was a super mum.

DS2 screamed the house down from day 1 was permanently in the sling or on the boob or else miserable. On the boob every hour and a half most nights until 16 months when I had to go away and DH had him for three nights. He wasn't left alone to cry but apparently he did for hours and hours and hours. Came back and he was night weaned once he slept through the night he was sooo much happier still bf and worn a lot but much more rested and content.

So I practised full on attachemnent parenting and had a miserable child and practised putting baby to beddrowsy but awake in own room from 3 months and had a lovely baby.

I'm pregnant with number 3 and I plan on cuddling this baby to as often as needed but not using the breast as the fixer of all things

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