But can you spoil a baby by holding them?

[Missmac84]

My 2 week old cries unless being held or in his pram.

My sister was up last week and spent the whole week holding him apart from at bedtime.

Can this have caused the issues I'm now having or am I being daft?!

I would really recommend just trying to follow what your baby wants for a good while - and trust your own instincts if you can. If it feels right to cuddle your baby, do that; if you need a bit of space, take it where you can, but try not to worry about what you "should" be doing. For what it's worth, I've had one baby who was stuck to me like glue for at least six months and one who's always been perfectly happy to go off to sleep by himself, even though I've basically treated them the same. The velcro baby found his confidence eventually with no interventions needed, but I found the whole 'rod for yourself back' thing massively stressful as there was no way I could force separation on him without a huge amount distress all round.

It's called the 4th trimester. Babies still need to be held almost constantly at so young! My 16 week old has only just started to settle for a nap in her carrycot. But I usually put her in one of the slings. They love the closeness better than anything and it's lovely to have them so close and still be able to do stuff. Babies that are cuddled and held more, are more emotionally mature and secure as they grow up.

cathf:

Couldn't agree more.

I would have no problem holding my baby 24 hours a day as per MN guidelines rules except that it would mean I never slept, took a shower, left the house without the baby, did any dishes, any exercise and, erm, in the end I think I would go nuts!

So no, OP, you won't 'spoil' the baby by holding it all the time but you may well instill the expectation in the baby that there is something wrong if he or she isn't being held.

Small steps towards balance are appropriate here, I would say.

An awful lot of opinion on this thread prevented as fact.
Mamahanji, is there any proof that babies held more grow up more emotionally secure? And what is the definition of 'more'?

Nope. Can't spoil a baby until they are much much older. It's very common for newborns to want to be held. Think of it from their point of view. They were tucked up inside you for 9 months, warm, safe, quiet. Then they are born and exposed to light, sounds, smells, noise, clothes, nappies! I mean, talk about a shock! Imagine how much comfort being held brings them as they try to adjust to everything.

Just enjoy the snuggles. Honestly, you'll blink and a year will have past and those long, lovely cuddles will be few and far between and you'll miss them!

A quick look on the sleep board here shows how this can escalate - mums in a panic because they are going back to work and baby will only nap on them.

The majority of problems on the sleep board are caused by unreasonable expectations, not holding premature babies (all human babies are born premature).

Doesn't it say more about our society that the needs of tiny babies - which aren't that much different from when we spent 6-8 hours per day just finding food - are ignored because "mum is going back to work"? Ever likely we have the most miserable kids in Europe!

All children will experience separation anxiety at some stage, regardless of how you parent. It is a normal developmental stage when they are more aware of the world around them.
All children will learn to self-settle at some stage, regardless of how you parent. It is a normal developmental stage.
All children will learn to sleep through the night, in their own bed, at some stage, when they are developmentally ready to. All children are different so this will vary widely, regardless of how you parent.
All children will drive their parents crazy at times by being completely unpredictable. Regardless of how you parent.
Being a (new) parent is tough. Trust your instincts, accept all offers of help, take all advice with a large pinch of salt and do whatever works best for you and your baby.

No.
When they can sit up and start to explore I think it's good to give them periods "alone" to do that.

Babies that are cuddled and held more, are more emotionally mature and secure as they grow up

What a ridiculous thing to post. Held more than what? More emotionally mature and secure than what? Can you contextualise that please? Oh and back it up? It takes a heck of a lot more than holding a baby more to bring up an emotionally secure and mature individual.

No, just cuddle and love your baby :)

But can you spoil a baby by holding them
No, you cannot.
But you can ruin a child by not providing the close physical contact s/he needs.
Hold your baby. Don't be afraid, don't be ashamed, don't be put off.
Everything that seems reasonable to you, as a mother, from the kindness of your heart, is good for your baby.

"mum is going back to work"?

Oh yes. How outrageous of them.

I'll admit, I had mine a long time ago, but I had never heard that they had to be put down awake and not fed to sleep until I read it on here. With all of mine(4) I fed until they finished sucking as I was never sure if they had had enough. I then winded, changed nappy, wrapped up tight and put into carrycot and they slept.

No, keep cuddling. Your baby needs it.

So in contrast to Bluntness100's experience 19 years ago, the doctor at the baby clinic I went to with my DS1 18 years ago when I said to him everything was fine, but that DS1 just wanted to be picked up and held all the time, simply replied "well pick him up and hold him then".

It won't spoil them, mine are all v confident and independent and sleep in their beds without a fuss. As small babies they were barely put down!

Premature babies that have to stay in hospital without their parents aren't any easier as toddlers than babies that get to be held by their mother.

That ought to be proof enough that this notion of "spoiling" a newborn is bollocks.

Perhaps you can't hold your baby all the time. That's okay - but it doesn't mean that babies that are held all the time necessarily grow up to be entitled twats, as the word "spoil" implies.

Nomadic gatherer-hunter cultures were such that all babies were constantly carried until they were able to walk, and I am sure those cultures wouldn't have survived if the toddlers hadn't gotten used to walking without much fuss.

You're right. My post wasn't very clear. And I'm definitely not a professional. But I have been told by my family nurse and midwife and others that In those first months, babies still believe that they are a part of you, and only later on do they realise that you are separate people, and when you hold that young baby more than putting them down, they feel complete as they still feel they are part of you and it helps them feel more secure when they do start to realise you are separate people.

And in no way am I saying that you can never put a baby down. I have a toddler and a baby so I know that sometimes you just need to put the baby down. Just stating that holding a young baby more than not, is actually good for them as opposed to spoiling them like parenting manuals use to claim.

And thanks Bluntness I am aware it takes more than that to raise emotionally secure children. But that wasn't the questions. And it wasn't a ridiculous statement. I didn't lay down credentials and claim to be a professional.

There was a study done with baby monkeys (yes I know, not the same) that the baby monkeys that were held regularly and giving soft toys to cuddle, grew up to be calmer than the baby monkeys that were not given physical affection or cuddles, who grew up aggressive.

My point was that cuddles are never a bad thing and make babies feel secure and safe.

No. Categorically not. You cannot 'spoil' a baby by meeting their emotional needs.

OP you will all manner of conflicting opinions rammed down your throat when you have a new baby.

Just listen to what your baby is telling you they need to feel secure (note: all babies are different! Some need to be held more) and trust your instincts (if it feels wrong to you don't do it) and you'll be fine.
Don't twist yourself up in circles trying to second guess yourself!

www.scarymommy.com/even-science-agrees-you-literally-cant-spoil-baby/?utm_source=FBOnsite

neuroanthropology.net/2008/12/21/cosleeping-and-biological-imperatives-why-human-babies-do-not-and-should-not-sleep-alone/

Mine was attached to me (or DP, or anyone else I could persuade to take her for a bit...) pretty much 24/7. This was not really a parenting choice - DD screamed to the point of vomiting otherwise. It was bloody hard as I am not at all a cuddly person and I massively value my own space, and I'd have given my right arm for a baby that was a bit more easygoing, but it was what it was.

Anyway, as soon as she could crawl she was off. "Down!" was one of her first words. Still likes a cuddle from time to time but is a very independent, confident child. So clearly I didn't ruin her, despite the "advice" of the fucking annoying people who told me I had made a rod for my own back at the time!

How are you meant to hold the baby ALL the time, if say, you have 5 kids? It's not practical and a bit PFB. My eldest cried every time I put him down, in the end the Health Visitor forced me to put him down. It was a hard cycle to crack. My 2nd child came along before the oldest was even 2, so she had to be put down - guess what, she didn't cry anywhere near as much. My friend who has 1 child, never put her down as a baby, she even ate her dinner with one hand...child is a nightmare even now aged 5, she demands constant attention, and throws tantrums regularly (for no reason either)....so I would say you can spoil a baby with too much holding, well, maybe you are setting up unrealistic expectations anyway.

I tried putting mine down too, Husky. A lot. She screamed. A lot. And I do not mean a bit of fussing. It took me months of work to get her to to put up with being in a pram without screaming herself into puking hysteria. If you had a baby who could be put down from birth and did not cry too much, then good for you! We had different babies.

It is really, really hard to have a baby like that, and it does not help to be told that you're being PFB, that you somehow brought it upon yourself, or that your child will turn into a horrendous brat as a result. They grow out of it.

Well just my experience but I have a 7 month old. I spend a lot of time holding him and he has the majority of naps on me. He has only just gone into his own room and before that he slept on one of us until we went to bed. We co sleep most nights for about half the night. But I have no problems putting him in his bed for a nap if I need to do something. He sleeps 6 hours in a row in his own bed at night. He is happy to play on the floor by himself. I just like cuddling him! Did the same with dd and I can hardly ever get a cuddle from her now she is 3 and always too busy to come and have a cuddle! Obviously all babies are different but I don't think holding and cuddling them constantly when they are little makes any difference at all.

Also, a sling will save your life.
Like Husky i have 2 children under 2. My DD was 17 months when DS was born (they are now 23 months and 5 months). A sling has saved my life and my sanity. DS spends a hell of a lot of time in there. It means I can give him all the attention, cuddling and security he needs, while keeping up with dds needs - I've done that since he was born. Think about it: in other countries babies are carried by their mothers from birth until toddlerhood in order to go back to work and keep their babies safe at the same time - a study proved that babies from west Africa who were carried almost constantly cried 50% less overall than European babies who were not carried.

The best thing about newborns is that what they want and what they need is essentially the same - it's the one time that you can essentially give them whatever they want. The more you hold them the better! There'll soon be getting mobile and wanting to be on the floor, and then they'll be toddlers and actually be in danger of getting spoiled if you give them whatever they want. The more cuddles the better.