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AIBU?

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Original poster

But can you spoil a baby by holding them?

229 replies

Missmac84 · 26/03/2017 12:17

My 2 week old cries unless being held or in his pram.

My sister was up last week and spent the whole week holding him apart from at bedtime.

Can this have caused the issues I'm now having or am I being daft?!

OP posts:
Waterlemon · 26/03/2017 23:02

My late Nan, always used to say "you can't spoil a baby - all they want is someone to love and care for them, feed them, how is that spoiling?"

TheShapeofYou · 26/03/2017 23:02

I'm with cathf all the way. It's about balance. If you want to hold your baby lots, do it. If you'd like to feed them, wind them, change them, have a quick cuddle then pop them down (like me), then do that.

Some poor people have babies who have to be constantly held or they'll scream constantly for whatever reason.

I also think a lot of it is down to the Mother's ability to listen to their baby cry/moan for a few mins here and there. I have a friend who can't bear it and picks her baby up constantly. She's an attachment parent and baby wearer.

I could never get on with slings as they're too much faff and I have a bad back

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 26/03/2017 23:08

You're not going to spoil a baby with lots of cuddles. You also won't damage them by putting them down sometimes.

Baby has needs and you have needs. You still need to go to the toilet, drink, eat, wash etc.

You'll also learn their different cries and noises and their meaning/ urgency.

Joffmognum · 26/03/2017 23:44

Baby humans are, compared to just about every other mammal, shite. They're born waaayyy too early. They should gestate for at least a year, but are born three months early. This is because our brains have developed in size quicker than our pelvises, so we have to carry them around with us on the outside for a few months - keeping them inside would mean their heads would get stuck. It's also why it's so important not to give them anything but breastmilk for the first few months, because their digestive systems shouldn't even be in use yet. (Of course formula is safe, but often upsets newborn stomachs). Baby elephants and giraffes can walk from day 1, and even baby monkeys are alert and can hold onto their mothers' backs from the get-go. Your baby not being able to cope with being away from you is a side effect of our intelligence.

TittyGolightly · 26/03/2017 23:53

This is because our brains have developed in size quicker than our pelvises,

Not quite. In order to walk upright we need narrow pelvises. There's some evidence that human brains are getting smaller though. We just aren't as smart as our hunter-gatherer ancestors.

MoonriseKingdom · 27/03/2017 00:20

This debate always gets presented in such a polarised way. As if you are either permanently attached or you are leaving them in the pram at the end of the garden to cry. Someone also quoted the study about monkeys which actually compares total emotional neglect to normal loving interaction. I do think this makes people who can't live up to the attachment parent ideal feel guilty.

I have and continue to hold my 6 month old lots but also do the putting down drowsy but awake. She now will fall asleep in her cot with me patting her chest, no tears but it was a very gradual process to get to this stage.

In short never feel guilty about giving cuddles but don't worry if you sometimes need to put your baby down!

Original poster
Missmac84 · 27/03/2017 03:59

Sorry showmepotatosalad, your right I have been defensive and taken your reply the wrong way.
Lack of sleep and feeling like I was pushed out when my sister was here all factors but not acceptable for my rant towards you.

Thanks to everyone for your responses xxx

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 04:42

i.e in their best interests rather than those of selfish adults,

It is NOT selfish to acknowledge that mothers as well as babies have needs.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 04:47

I did wonder, OP, about your sister' visit - if she didn't put the baby down for a week, what were you getting up to? Could you not have taken him back?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 27/03/2017 07:07

Thanks, missmac. Flowers

cathf · 27/03/2017 07:12

Trifle, again I agree with you. I think this constant drive to be supermum, enjoying every minute of a screaming baby will be driving up levels of PND no end.
When my oldest was born in 1993, the emphasis was very much on getting baby to fit in with the family, and everything was geared to that aim. Now IMO it has gone too far the other way, with parents tying themselves in knots to ensure this tiny baby is centre of everything.
It is a complete mystery to me how we have got to the point of thinking a woman is selfish for not wanting to hold her baby all day and night.
Some of the arguments about sexism these days make me shake my head, but as one of the generation of women who fought to 'have it all', I fibd it bizarre to say the least that new mums seem to be expected to turn into surrended supermums at the beck and call of a baby.

TapOut · 27/03/2017 07:19

I used t try and get mine to self settle - not at two weeks but when they were older. It worked to varying degrees. (From really badly to quite well). You can still soothe a baby without holding them.

My back wasn't designed to be able to continually hold babies. 😂.

TapOut · 27/03/2017 07:23

Babies that are cuddled and held more, are more emotionally mature and secure as they grow up

This type of comment is barmy. A baby that can self settle may well feel more secure than a baby who gets upset as soon as it isn't being held.

TittyGolightly · 27/03/2017 07:23

It is a complete mystery to me how we have got to the point of thinking a woman is selfish for not wanting to hold her baby all day and night.

At no point have I said that. The majority of women aren't alone when they have a newborn - partners/relatives/friends are also able to hold babies....... Wink

Takes a village to raise a child and all that.

TittyGolightly · 27/03/2017 07:24

A baby that can self settle may well feel more secure than a baby who gets upset as soon as it isn't being held

Babies don't have the mental ability to self settle until much later, and definitely not at 2 weeks.

WowserBowser · 27/03/2017 07:32

I'm with you Titty

I think people are being very defensive.
If you want to get on with the dishes and the baby is happy to be in a bouncy chair, do it. The point is, if you do actually want to cuddle your baby a lot, you can.

And why do threads have to be full of 'screaming babies' - not all babies are like that. Mine rarely cries.

MamaHanji · 27/03/2017 07:38

*Tapout
*
You'll notice that the op has a 2 week old baby. Babies that young are rarely able to self settle. I have never said that you must always hold your baby or they will grow up to be emotionally stunted and evil. Seriously. People always twist the shit out of anything you say on here.

'Can I spoil my baby by holding it a lot'

'No it's actually good for them to be a held more often than put down'

'How ridiculous! You can't hold a baby constantly and what a stupid thing to say! Babies need more than that to be emotional secure'

You will notice I answered the question asked, and did not in fact say 'never put down your baby you evil bitch'.

Stop trying to start arguments.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 07:43

WowserBowser:

That is very sensible. I would suggest, however, that it's much more sensible than the posts it attempts to paraphrase.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 07:45

TittyGolightly:

I have my DH. That's it. He is out of the house 6-6.30 5 days a week, and I do all the nights apart from at the weekend, but because I am BF he can only really do a nappy change.

Straight question: are your posts suggesting that it's okay for someone else to hold my baby, but not okay for me to put my baby down?

WowserBowser · 27/03/2017 07:47

Trifle it's not often I'm told I'm being sensible. I shall take that.

RebelRogue · 27/03/2017 07:48

The majority of women aren't alone when they have a newborn - partners/relatives/friends are also able to hold babies.......

But then you have women in the minority(and are we really a minority?) that don't have relatives or friends,and their partners work long hours. I had my mum with me for the first two weeks and that's it. No other friends or relatives. OH was at work from 6am to 6-7 pm. The baby stage sucked.

Trifleorbust · 27/03/2017 07:52

My (lighthearted) composite of MN conversations I have seen in the last few weeks:

Desperatemum: Please help. Baby won't go to sleep and just wants to be held all the time. I am on my knees with exhaustion. Nothing works!

Superman: Oh hun, it's awful isn't it. Don't worry, it only lasts until they turn 5 and you can get them into their own bed. Just lots of cuddles and lots and lots of tea, all I can suggest!

Desperatemum: I can't even make tea. The sink is overflowing with dishes and every time I move to put her down she just screams. Then if I do make tea (having been lucky enough to rinse out a cup while she's asleep) I'm normally feeding/changing/rocking her so I can't drink it!

Supermum: No, no, just get into bed, sleep when the baby sleeps!

Desperatemum: But I stink! I really need a shower and if I spend the day in bed then I start to feel so depressed, not seeing the sunshine for days at a time. Horrible, really, am really starting to resent the baby... Sad

Supermum: It's so important to get out at least once a day, that's how you stave off PND. Go to lots of groups and baby massage classes, meet other mums.

Desperatemum: I could maybe try for a bit of food shopping tomorrow...

Supermum: Well, food shopping isn't an 'activity' as such but your bubba... -slopes off]

WowserBowser · 27/03/2017 07:53

It's different strokes for different folks, innit.

I absolutely love the baby stage. It's my favourite. But i am the laziest person i know. So any excuse to sit on my arse, ignoring housework is a bonus.

TittyGolightly · 27/03/2017 08:00

But then you have women in the minority(and are we really a minority?) that don't have relatives or friends,and their partners work long hours. I had my mum with me for the first two weeks and that's it. No other friends or relatives.

That's a societal problem. I had a husband that was away Sun night - Fri night and no family within 1000 miles. I built my tribe before DC arrived but had a lot of time on my own with DC. I still didn't prioritise ironing/dusting over her needs.

TittyGolightly · 27/03/2017 08:01

At night she slept on me and she napped in a bouncy chair/pram or in my arms. Of course she wasn't being held the whole time - she was help as much as she needed to be.

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