Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DS's school don't understand discipline?

150 replies

mumonashoestring · 22/03/2017 19:58

DS is 5 and I will freely admit can be a ratbag if overtired or coming down with something BUT at home he understands that he does as he's told or there are consequences (time out, loss of TV or tablet time, loss of a treat for example). Recently DH has been called a couple of times to pick DS up during the school day and bring him home early because he's been slapping or kicking, or running away from staff.

After a couple of incidents of either being told about this behaviour at home time or being asked to pick him up, we were properly clear with him at home that hitting is unacceptable, you need to do as the teachers ask etc. and he had a couple of evenings of no cartoons, no story at bedtime etc. However, talking to him about why he's been so naughty at school he says he's confused - and why? Turns out he's being told that he can't hit, but another child in the class is hitting him and not being disciplined for it - DH checked with one of the teaching assistants and they don't use the word naughty, or unacceptable, or actually do anything to provide a consequence for poor behaviour. Literally all they have is a happy sun or a sad cloud, and DS has recently been sent home with DH being told he's been hitting, but having been put in the happy sun during the day Confused My usually happy little boy is quite obviously worried after the last couple of weeks and I'm getting quite cross with the school seemingly having no policy on discipline but expecting the parents to be able to magically convince kids to do as we say, not as the teachers allow them to do...

OP posts:
IamFriedSpam · 22/03/2017 20:27

lavenderandrose

Most three year olds and older understand they're not supposed to hit, but many at some point fail to handle their frustration and struggle with impulse control so end up lashing out anyway. It's the same as adults who know they shouldn't raise their voice but sometimes we do it anyway when we're frustrated.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/03/2017 20:28

Why is he running away from staff, OP?

amy85 · 22/03/2017 20:29

That's a monumentally useless reply

Surely then the op is monumentally useless as what does she want a bunch of strangers on the internet to do when in reality she should be tackling the school about this issue

lavenderandrose · 22/03/2017 20:29

I think we all understand every child will have a bad day Spam but this does sound a little more persistent than that.

Trifleorbust · 22/03/2017 20:30

Actually teachers can legally 'manhandle' a child. They can (although they don't have to) physically restrain a child if he is endangering himself or others, or refusing to stay in or leave a particular place. Check out the law on this.

But yes, OP, you need to find out why he is being sent home and how extreme his behaviour is compared to that of the other child.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/03/2017 20:31

Sounds like you have only had dealings with teaching assistants . Have you not spoken to the actual class teacher about this? Teaching assistants maybe assigned to kids with SEN and so will interact with them accordingly - it may well not be appropriate for other child to be disciplined in exactly the same way as your son if they have autism for example.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 22/03/2017 20:32

I think we all understand every child will have a bad day Spam but this does sound a little more persistent than that.

We all agree with that. The school illegally sending him home is unlikely to solve it though, as isn't making the OP feel shit about her DC's behaviour.

There needs to be a proper plan between school and home to tackle it, so he learns to control his impulses and settles down.

lavenderandrose · 22/03/2017 20:33

Not just to get him in a classroom, Trifle, and it's very risky. I wouldn't put myself in that position, personally, unless it really was life or death.

Original poster
mumonashoestring · 22/03/2017 20:33

"Why is he running away from staff, OP?"

Not a clue. They only give rushed half explanations at pick up time as they're trying to get 30 kids packed up and shipped out, haven't had an appointment to discuss it yet (trying to agree a time and this is a very recent thing).

"Surely then the op is monumentally useless as what does she want a bunch of strangers on the internet to do when in reality she should be tackling the school about this issue"

Did you read the OP amy? I'm trying to work out how much of this is normal, how much isn't and how best to approach it. Thank you so much for your input Hmm

OP posts:
Spikeyball · 22/03/2017 20:35

The school shouldn't be sending anyone home early unless they are officially excluding them.
They should be stopping the other child from hitting your son but otherwise how they manage the child's behaviour is not your concern.

EineKleine · 22/03/2017 20:38

Ask to see a copy of the school's behaviour management policy, and hold them to following it. I bet it doesn't include randomly sending children home.

Eyes on what they are doing with your DS, not the other child. Either it's a suitable sanction for your DS or it's not.

EineKleine · 22/03/2017 20:40
  • of course keeping your DS safe is absolutely your business but sanctions for the other child are not.
MrsKCastle · 22/03/2017 20:41

The school doesn't seem to be communicating with you very well. I would ask for a meeting with the class teacher and if possible the SENCO. Get a copy of the ad's behaviour policy- it should be on their website, but if not ask for a copy- and a copy of the class rules. Make a record of the times your son has been sent home and the reasons. Also any other times you have been spoken to about his behaviour. Make it as accurate as possible from memory, and ulot from now on. Go to the meeting and ask for a specific plan to be put in place for your son, which outlines both rewards/positive reinforcement for God behaviour and sanctions for bad. Do NOT allow them to list 'being sent home early' as a sanction, it should be immediate in school consequences e.g. Time out in class, sent to another teacher or HT. Set a time for the next meeting, preferably in a week's time to review and then perhaps at 2 week intervals until you see an improvement.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 22/03/2017 20:41

I'm trying to work out how much of this is normal, how much isn't and how best to approach it

I think it isn't 'normal' in so far as most reception children don't regularly hit at school. However, it isn't uncommon as anyone with DC in reception will know. The hitter in dd1's reception class y1definitely settled down.

You need to get an appointment with school. It is very surprising to me that he's been sent home without you being called in. That is just Confused to me.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 22/03/2017 20:42

Just re-read and noticed that you are at initial point of considering ASD. This You need to request specifically to speak to the SENCO at school. There is no point people advising you on behaviour expectations of the average 5 year old if your son does indeed have additional needs.

Insist on a time slotted appointment, not just a rushed conversation and a quick handover at the classroom door.

springflowers11 · 22/03/2017 20:42

I have been in schools lots and I have never ever ever heard of a 5 yo child being excluded for hitting back a child who was hitting them.
A 5 year old is not a baby they clearly know hitting/slapping running away from a teacher is wrong .Your DS is spinning you a line OP

sobeyondthehills · 22/03/2017 20:43

Hi Op

I am on the opposite side of this, my son is being hit/kicked by another child, DS is 4.

He doesn't react at school and he does turn the other cheek and goes and tells the teacher, however once he is at home and in a safe place, he reacts badly.

I have talked to the school, and while they are supportive, they can tell me very little about what is happening to this child. I can tell you as far as I know, he is not being sent home.

amy85 · 22/03/2017 20:45

Did you read the OP amy?

I did, and I gave my input (don't blame the school, boom a meeting with the school to discuss the issue etc) only to be told that my input is monumentally useless

MadMags · 22/03/2017 20:49

Personally, I'd be informing the teacher tomorrow that if he gets hit, he will hit and that if they try to exclude them for it again, you'll be bringing a shit storm to their door!

Original poster
mumonashoestring · 22/03/2017 20:51

"only to be told that my input is monumentally useless"

Not by me. Can't see that it was easier to have a go at me than actually address the source of the comment either.

SoBeyond sorry to hear that, no child should have to put up with being hit in what should be a safe space. Has your DS's school offered any kind of meeting or possible solutions?

OP posts:
Coloursthatweremyjoy · 22/03/2017 20:53

Hi OP,

They can't send him home early for discipline or to "cool off". They can't put him on reduced hours either. It is an illegal exclusion. However, now that they have excluded him they need to look at why it happened and if a lack of support in school contributed to that exclusion.

I am shocked that you have had no meeting to discuss this with them. If they have excluded him I would have thought you needed a meeting...um...Yesterday!

They will deny it was an exclusion, they will say you agreed to it (that doesn't matter) mutter about speaking to the Educational Welfare Officer as it is so important that he is getting his full time education. You will find that he has been sent home for the last time.

But really OP, if things are so bad they can't keep him in school they need a plan and quickly.

Chickoletta · 22/03/2017 20:56

'Tablet time' for a 5 yr old?
completely misses point

ArtemisiaGentilleschi · 22/03/2017 20:58

So, your child is regularly (?) sent home from school early because of what the school perceive (presumably) to be pretty bad behavioural issues, and you haven't been and spoken to a teacher or the head yet?
Why?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/03/2017 21:04

Wow some posters are nasty, demonising a 5 year old, and making a already stressed and upset parent feel 10 times worse. Instead of bashing the op, give her some useful,advice, or say nothing if you can't. Glad to know your all perfect parents raising perfect children.

Sounds like illegal exclusions, make sure tge school documents every exclusion, and contact the Lea inclusion departmen for advice.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 22/03/2017 21:06

So, your child is regularly (?) sent home from school early because of what the school perceive (presumably) to be pretty bad behavioural issues, and you haven't been and spoken to a teacher or the head yet?
Why?

The most surprising thing is that the school haven't asked the OP to go in. That is the normal first step I imagine.