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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt by my dh comment about my weight

324 replies

givemestrengthorgin · 22/03/2017 09:48

Getting ready this morning I commented to dh that he was still as slim as he was when we meet 18 years ago. He laughed and said, "well you've put on enough for both of us". While it might be true (probably about 3 stone since we met) I have carried two babies who are still young (3 and 18 months). I'm fully aware that I've put on a lot of weight and so while his comment is true it's still hurtful. When I told him I was upset by what he had said his response was, "well you have" (put on weight enough for two). Am I being too sensitive or is this a shitty thing to say even if it is true?

OP posts:

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 18:28

I agree Manijo

Meekonsandwich · 22/03/2017 18:36

It is horrible and it does hurt I completely understand.

But give as good as you get and see how he reacts.

I learned to do this as I am incredibly sensitive, stupidly so. Dh actually said to me "I don't really find you physically attractive since you've put on all that weight" ( 5 stone due to bring on 4 medications that cause weight gain, life or death situation) I was so hurt. I just turned around and said "that's okay I've never found you physically attractive" :D he soon shut up and realised what a dick he'd been. Obviously it's not true, but it made my point and he's never mentioned it again
Don't allow yourself to Be a victim, I could have mulled over it and gotten really down or proved a point.

So yes. If he likes to put his foot in his mouth, give as good asyou get.

flumpybear · 22/03/2017 18:48

I'd say- no but your hair is thinning, you've got hair in your ears and coming out your nose, you snore, your feet pong and I'm sure your willy got smaller .....

PerpendicularVincent · 22/03/2017 18:56

I think it's an unkind comment. It wouldn't have taken a lot to say something like 'and you're just as lovely as when we first met' etc etc.

If he's worried about your weight that's one thing. Belittling you is hardly the way to help though.

I've put on several stone since having DC. I need to lose it, DH knows I need to lose it, but he never makes nasty comments. He supports me and is very encouraging.

He can want you to be healthier without acting like a twat.

NotInMyBackYard1 · 22/03/2017 19:01

I've gained and lost 3 stone probably 10 times in the last 20 years, including during and after three pregnancies. My husband has never once expressed an opinion on my weight or paid me anything other than compliments, he does wonders for my self-confidence, I honestly believe he thinks I am the most beautiful woman in the world. I'm not! But he says it over and over again.
When I lose weight, I have to do it for me, and because I want to - not because I've been shamed into it, as a PP said - that only makes me eat more!

LoveDeathPrizes · 22/03/2017 21:42

Sadly very true backyard. Hard to stay body positive enough to be healthy when your self-esteem is rock bottom. Your DH sounds lovely.

Tortycat · 22/03/2017 21:50

I know how you feel. 've gained 1 stone since having 2 dc (youngest is 7 months). I def have a mum tum, but still back in size 8 jeans so not enormous. Dp didn't want to hug me the other day as he said I felt 'weird' ie big tum. I was really upset but also mightily pissed off. And it hasn't motivated me one bit

Bluntness100 · 22/03/2017 22:00

tortycat

What? He didn't want to hug you because you'd gained a stone,,,and you're a size eight?you seven months post partum? Something wrong with your partner. That's not right,

Ok, three stone you might not fancy someone as much, but you would still want to hug them. Be close to them. Show affection. Honestly that's a million times worse than the ops. He made a stupid comment, yours doesn't even want to hug you. I'd have kicked that into touch.

Sallystyle · 22/03/2017 22:18

He was an arsehole.

Giving someone a compliment does not entitle them to talk about your weight gain

When my husband told me I lost weight I would not dream of turning round and saying 'well yes, I think I have given it all to you' because that would be an arsehole move.

OP was not asking for compliments and she was not asking about her body size. She also wasn't asking for people's advice on dieting.

Tortycat · 22/03/2017 22:21

I know he has hugged me since as he knew how upset I was but I can tell somehow he doesn't feel the same way about it. But too tired to even try to exercise by the time dc are in bed, and grab biscuits in the day for energy. I think the problem is he likes exercise and can't understand why I wouldn't relish going out for a run etc.

I think it's all in the tone of how someone tells you - Yes sometimes you have to be told the 'truth' but there are ways of doing it more or less hurtfully

LouKout · 23/03/2017 06:04

If you are a size 8 and he is turned off you and thinks you are too fat, he has some weird fucked up issues about the female body. Dont let him pass them on to you.

NikkiP53 · 23/03/2017 06:22

It sounds like he gave you and honest answer but put it the wrong way. I would be a bit upset too if my husband said this to me, even if it were true. Put this in context - does he normally make hurtful comments? If not maybe it's just one of those things.

malificent7 · 23/03/2017 06:46

Curves are sexy... ignore.

Joey7t8 · 23/03/2017 06:49

Newsflash: Overweight people are less attractive to the average person

There are a small number of people who find chubby people more attractive, but the chances are that, if you first met your husband or wife when you were slim, then they are not one of them.

You are of course totally entitled to put on weight and be as comfortable in your body as you wish. Your partner is equally entitled to no longer fancy you.

bigbuttons · 23/03/2017 07:00

Curves are sexy... ignore.- to some maybe, not to others. I don't find them sexy at all. The curves are sexy line is usually rolled out to make people feel better about being overweight, as is the 'it's ok to gain 3 stone over 18 years' one or 'I have put on masses of weight since having kids a few years ago and that's ok because I have kids' one

Coughandsplutter · 23/03/2017 07:03

I'd have been v annoyed!

CactusFred · 23/03/2017 07:06

You kind of set yourself up for it didn't you?

He could've worded it better and been more sensitive but I can't see how there was another way out of this for him. You say you have put on 3 stone and to say you haven't would be just as annoying for you.

My DH would have replied similarly as he's quite literal. I'd then huff at him and be annoyed whilst he'd be confused what he'd done wrong.

LouKout · 23/03/2017 07:10

Newsflash: some people are not shallow and fancy and love their partners because of who they are not what they eat

LouKout · 23/03/2017 07:11

Also it IS ok to put on weight..unless you are someone who thinks people's value should be judged by their appearance.

roselondoner · 23/03/2017 07:18

He's a dick. No need for that. He's your partner and he is making jokes at your expense in private.

If, like pps have said he wanted to let you know, then he could have used that opportunity to broach it in a good way not his attempts at fat shaming you.

whattodowiththepoo · 23/03/2017 07:29

"What a nice parter should have said, apart from not saying in the first place, woukd be, I am sorry, I dident mean to hurt you. Your body has made and formed our beautiful babies and I will love and cherish it forever more."

And then he should immediately write a book of poems dedicated to Ops parents because they formed the former of his formed children.

Neutrogena · 23/03/2017 07:33

It sounds like it was a joke, so I wouldn't take it seriously.
Some jokes are crap, and maybe it was one of those.
Let it lie and move on, and stop torturing yourself.

Joey7t8 · 23/03/2017 07:40

Also it IS ok to put on weight..unless you are someone who thinks people's value should be judged by their appearance.

Absolutely. It's also OK if your biological urges cause you to not fancy fat people.

Joey7t8 · 23/03/2017 07:45

And then he should immediately write a book of poems dedicated to Ops parents because they formed the former of his formed children.

LOLz.

PoorYorick · 23/03/2017 07:49

The only reason I was able to lose the baby weight was because my husband did his share of night wakings and housework so I had the time and energy it requires.

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