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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt by my dh comment about my weight

324 replies

givemestrengthorgin · 22/03/2017 09:48

Getting ready this morning I commented to dh that he was still as slim as he was when we meet 18 years ago. He laughed and said, "well you've put on enough for both of us". While it might be true (probably about 3 stone since we met) I have carried two babies who are still young (3 and 18 months). I'm fully aware that I've put on a lot of weight and so while his comment is true it's still hurtful. When I told him I was upset by what he had said his response was, "well you have" (put on weight enough for two). Am I being too sensitive or is this a shitty thing to say even if it is true?

OP posts:
PushingThru · 22/03/2017 12:34

You give him a compliment, he slices you down. I'm agog at the 'poor guy' & 'can't win' comments at the start. They must be from women so used to being around insensitive, dreary men that they think this is a normal way to speak to someone you love. It's not.

Saltedcaramel2016 · 22/03/2017 12:35

That sounds mean especially as you were giving him a compliment!!!!

Actually 3 stone over the course of 18 years isn't actually that bad especially as your children are young!!! I have put on about 2.5 stone since meeting my husband 15 years ago, he has probably put 3 on! We are both trying to lose weight but it's hard work and our kids are older now!

Does your husband exercise and eat sensibly or is he just lucky?? Maybe you need to take more time out for yourself when your husband is home so you are not so exhausted and have time to think about diet and exercise!!! Maybe sign up to a gym, boot camp style thing, joe wicks or another marathon? Let him take the slack at home for a bit while you focus on reaching his desired weight!

Applebite · 22/03/2017 12:36

I think it's honest to acknowledge that you've gained weight, but he said it in a very shitty way.

A lot depends on the wider context, though - does he tell you that you're beautiful regularly; do you moan about being overweight etc? So to illustrate, my DP is open with me that I need to lose weight, but he makes it clear it's not for him; he would love me whatever. But what winds him up is my bleating on about being fat whilst doing precisely jack shit about it! Which is fair enough, to be honest, it must be fucking irritating to listen to.

So whilst I can see why it upset you, you need to look at the bigger picture to see how shitty it was. Also how he reacted to you being upset, as that's perhaps more telling.

In the meantime, you can't control him, but you can control how you respond to it. If it's upset you, and you know that's because you'd like to be slimmer, use it as motivation. Then who'll have the last laugh!

user1486562272 · 22/03/2017 12:38

I beg your forgiveness missgoggins.

What I was rather insensitively trying to do was shut down any more judgement of my own personal past and close the subject.

Mainly because the people commenting on my situation know fuck all about me or my past partner and this isn't my thread.

I gave the example of why I defended the OP's DH and suddenly I have unwanted personal advice on a relationship which ended 6 years ago. I know what he did and why, and I know my own feelings and responses to it. It's no-one elses to judge.

Now let's get back to the OP and HER question shall we?

WorraLiberty · 22/03/2017 13:04

Well that's you TOLD! Grin Grin

bigbuttons · 22/03/2017 13:09

Actually 3 stone over the course of 18 years isn't actually that bad especially as your children are young!!!

this is an astonishing comment. 3 stone is lots of weight, lots. It's the attitude that it's ok to let the pounds pile on that are making us fatter and fatter.

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 13:10

User seventeen thousand and sixty four

I'm not sure what your sarcastic comment has achieved apart from making you seem a bit, well a bit.

It's the internet. You post something, people will reply. That's how it works. The thing that is confusing is the pp you had a pop at where actually being supportive of you. I don't know why you made the drama and said such a disparaging thing about having a penis to defend horrible behaviour.

I don't like your "shall we" either, if I'm going to be very specific. If rubs me the wrong way - as if you are the thread moderator or something. That's not how these things work. There is the main op, then responses, little sub conversations related but not specific to the the op... I'd say more training is required before you can be renamed userrandomnumbersmumsnet

Anyway, in the spirt of your last post I will sign off with a classic..

as you were Wink

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 13:11

X post worra Blush

WorraLiberty · 22/03/2017 13:14

Don't bring me into it. I'm too scared to type Grin

pointstaken · 22/03/2017 13:14

Actually 3 stone over the course of 18 years isn't actually that bad especially as your children are young Shock

and this is why we have an obesity problem in this country.

MissGoggins · 22/03/2017 13:17

I'm going to slip away from this thread now - I'm awful in a bun fight. Never ends with my dignity intact! Blush

Aeroflotgirl · 22/03/2017 13:23

user148 your with the wrong partner then, if he goes and fucks around because your apprearance has changed, than hes a twat and your well shot. Sorry, op partner was rude and nasty, there are ways to be subtle and supportive, that was not it!

user1486562272 · 22/03/2017 13:38

Standing by my original comment that I'd rather have a partner that is able to say something to my face, than say nothing and have it fester.
That's all.

PuntCuffin · 22/03/2017 13:40

Actually 3 stone over the course of 18 years isn't actually that bad especially as your children are young!!!

Shock really?! I didn't put on 3 stone at 9 months pregnant. If I gained 3 stone non-gravid, I would be huge, it is over 1/3 of my bodyweight.
We have completely lost sight of what is a normal healthy weight in this country if we think that kind of gain is not 'that bad'.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/03/2017 13:44

You might user, but op obviously does not, and for her to compliment him, and for him to just tear right through her like that is awful, that would offend a lot of people. She should have said thanks and left it at that, not hit her literally with a backhand.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/03/2017 13:45

If he goes astray because of your weight, he is not worth it.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/03/2017 14:27

You should be loosing weight because you want to, not because you are nagged into it or fear loosing your partner.

Manijo · 22/03/2017 15:37

I am the insensitive one in our house. I have no trouble letting my DH know that he has put on weight and to stop moaning when something he tries on in the shops does not look good on him.
I've also had 2 kids, worked full-time etc etc. and have managed to keep the weight off. Having children is not excuse for putting on weight and never has been. As per pp, the people that think it is ok to put on 3 stone are the reason we have an obesity issue.
I would tell him that rather than criticise your weight, he could be supporting you in getting back to the weight you use to be.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/03/2017 15:46

It was mean of him and completely unnecessary.

blackteasplease · 22/03/2017 16:48

How many babies has be had in that time?

Aeroflotgirl · 22/03/2017 16:49

wow Manijo what a dream you sound Hmm.

scampimom · 22/03/2017 17:47

Who are all these people going round with ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA that they are overweight until somebody points it out to them? And who are these people who cannot tolerate deviation from the physical form of the person they are with from the moment they get together? What are you going to do if they have a drastic haircut? Surgery? Accident?

BagittoGo · 22/03/2017 17:55

Honesty is one thing. Wording a reply to stress he's concerned about your health is also allowed but he was plain nasty. I would struggle to come back from that comment to be honest.

tinglyfing · 22/03/2017 18:05

"Poor guy" my arse!!!!!!!!!!

Tell him his breath stinks.

bigbuttons · 22/03/2017 18:12

How many babies has be had in that time?

what has that got to do with the op being 3 stone heavier than she was when they got together? This isn't about having babies. Having babies doesn't make you retain 3 stone.
This is about whether the dh should have said what he said.