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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
CoffeeBreakIn5 · 21/03/2017 23:56

There's big difference between acknowledging the harsh reality of having a child and regretting having a child. I acknowledge the reality but I certainly don't regret it.

Unicornsandrainbows3 · 22/03/2017 00:13

I regret so much the DV they were born into and always will, but I will never regret my children.

MargaretCabbage · 22/03/2017 00:22

My children are still very young but I have never regretted having them. My life is harder with them, but more rewarding.

I only know one person who has said openly that they regret having a child, a man who had his daughter unplanned when he was 20. He seems to think he'd have been some sort of acclaimed celebrity who'd be dating a supermodel if it wasn't for having a baby and staying with his partner all those years ago. Hmm

SparkleSunshine201 · 22/03/2017 01:59

I find it so hard to believe that never hearing anyone say they regret having kids means that no one regrets them Confused. As shown by all the judgement on this thread ("your friends are strange" "they must be bad parents"), it is the most taboo thing to admit in real life. It is far more common that you'd think.

kelj2 · 22/03/2017 02:12

I don't regret having children but I do wish I cherished the time when it was just my hubby and I a bit more and had I known the full extent of how hard it was going to be I probably would have waited a little longer.

HuckleberryGin · 22/03/2017 07:47

The people who say it isn't that hard work or exhausting- are you superhuman? I haven't slept through a night for 7 years. I'm exhausted. I knew babies didn't sleep well, but 4ywar olds? Every morning is spent shouting and running round trying to not be late for work, as they slowly ponder putting shoes on or have a meltdown about brushing teeth.

I can't travel like I wanted to (1st was unplanned) and may never be able to. Being good stuck in the drudgery of making other people food, constantly cleaning doesn't make up for that.

Never being alone. I crave to be alone, to have no human contact, to not constantly hear "mummy, mummy, mummy, mummy". How do you deal with that?

My career is dead. I had to give up teaching as it wasn't compatible with having children and staying sane. I'll never achieve much now career wise, because I'm so tired, and I can't so the extra stuff, like evenings and weekends or overtime.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 22/03/2017 07:47

I find it so hard to believe that never hearing anyone say they regret having kids means that no one regrets them

Yy to this. It's the whole "well this has never happened to me so I don't believe it" thing.

Judging by many of the responses on this thread, why would anyone admit to it? I have loads of mum friends and I can discuss this sort of thing honestly with only one of them.

I love my son to pieces but if I'd known all the nitty gritty beforehand I might not have had a baby. I do not think "it is all worth it", though I do think a lot of it is.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 22/03/2017 07:51

Sparkle there's a big difference between a few people speaking privately about a taboo topic and pretty much everyone in a friendship group genuinely regretting having children and all agreeing they wouldn't have had them if they had their time again.

I don't think most people are disputing that some people do regret it, there's lots on this thread, and I know one or two in real life but it isn't nearly the norm and if a whole friendship group agree, this suggests to me that they are talking about hating a life stage (such as little kids) and finding parenting hard, rather than expressing their deep down feelings they all made the wrong life choice (all of them without exception!)

HuckleberryGin · 22/03/2017 07:54

It's worth noting that one of the reasons I regret it is that I think I'm terrible at it. They are wonderful little humans and deserve much bettef

KayTee87 · 22/03/2017 07:59

I've never regretted having my ds. I absolutely love my time with him. We prepared ourselves for parenting to be tough but so far are finding it easier than expected. Obviously there will always be ups and downs though so who knows what the future will hold.

KayTee87 · 22/03/2017 08:02

huckleberry don't be so hard on yourself. To your kids you are supermum and they love you with all their heart - see yourself through their eyes Flowers

AprilTheGiraffe · 22/03/2017 08:03

Huckleberry I could have written your post Flowers

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 22/03/2017 08:04

Huckleberry are you sure that's the case? Children do tend to think their mums are ace (at least early on, not in the teen years). Perhaps start a thread, I think you are probably being overly harsh on yourself.

I do think more is expected of parents now. I don't like playing games with my children and almost never did pretend play with my two, just left them to do that together. I've read quite a lot of threads lately where the demands on the parents, to be entertaining, to do 'fun' things, have 'magic moments' and to parent in a very full on manner 24/7 is unspoken but very obvious. I don't feel remotely guilty I didn't get down on the carpet and play PlayMobil, but I can see why you would. There seems to be a lot of idealised parenting around, especially on Facebook and social media, and no wonder people's daily realities of dirty nappies, disliking the screeching toddler, and so on starts to pull away from this image and make people feel guilty or like they must be 'bad' parents.

victoriusblunder · 22/03/2017 08:15

SparkleSunshine

I find it so hard to believe that never hearing anyone say they regret having kids means that no one regrets them . As shown by all the judgement on this thread ("your friends are strange" "they must be bad parents"), it is the most taboo thing to admit in real life. It is far more common that you'd think.

This.

A friend told me last week how much she hates being a mum. I'm pretty sure she would go back if she could.

Screwinthetuna · 22/03/2017 08:18

I've never met a single person who has said they regret having children. Might be hard work and more worry than I knew existed but having kids is the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Knifegrinder · 22/03/2017 08:19

It's worth noting that one of the reasons I regret it is that I think I'm terrible at it.

Huckleberry, I have an unusually frank set of friends, some of whom do express regret for having their children, and honestly, there is no discernible difference in their parenting to someone who's been witnessing it for years. I don't think that the people who express horror anyone might even think this are necessarily any better parents.

There's also the likelihood that we all have times when we are better/worse parents - I know I was a ghastly, panic-stricken, depressed mother to a baby, but I'm far, far better as a busy working parent to a four year old - I'm much better at these particular challenges. I realise I may be better and worse at different stages yet to come.

EurusHolmes · 22/03/2017 08:20

No one I know regrets it. My mum says she regrets the timing of me and my sister and wishes we both could have been born closer in age though

ShatnersWig · 22/03/2017 08:20

I know many women who say if they had their time again they would not have had children. Doesn't mean they don't love their children, but they don't love the person they have become as they are now just "mum".

But this sort of thing comes up on MN now and again where people DO admit they wish they weren't a parent and they find quite a few backing them up. Every thread of this type reveals it is more common than people think but because "family life is the norm and what you do" they are afraid to break the taboo.

I don't, for what it is worth, agree that regret is "almost the norm". But a LOT more people regret it than is commonly thought.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 22/03/2017 08:22

I do think more is expected of parents now

Yes, totally this. Even bloody weaning is mega competitive with every tom dick and Harry wringing their hands about bleeding baby led weaning and organic puree etc. Just feed your baby. Job done.

There are tonnes of things I do as a parent I know I'd get judged the hell out of for so I keep them mostly quiet.

BoboChic · 22/03/2017 08:23

I definitely have never regretted becoming a mother - I adore my DD and I really enjoy bringing up DC (including my DSSs). However, I do not think that motherhood should be spent in isolation from other adults and it's really important to see other people every day when you have young DC.

jelliebelly · 22/03/2017 08:26

Some of this surely comes down to the amount of thought that goes into having children in the first place. Ops comment about young single parents is more understandable maybe than my own situation married at 26 but chose not to have kids till 36 - stable relationship, more money, more life experience etc etc

ohlittlepea · 22/03/2017 08:26

I don't regret it, although i find it really tough at times being a mum. I know people who do regret it and I know not everyone speaks openly about it, I'm not sure if it's the norm. I think it's pretty sad if it is the norm. Shows what an inward society we've become in a way and also that mums aren't getting the support they need to make their child rearing journey more enjoyable xx

ashestopictures · 22/03/2017 08:30

I regret having DC. DH doesn't and gets very upset with me if I even allude to it. But DH hasn't done any of the work, has he? That's what he fails to grasp. So it's more DH I am disappointed with, than parenthood.

Onlyaplasticbagdear · 22/03/2017 08:32

Some of this surely comes down to the amount of thought that goes into having children in the first place

I'm late twenties, stable long term relationship, very financially secure, lots of family support.

So no.

Factorysettings · 22/03/2017 08:32

I can hardly believe the number of people who have never regretted it for a moment.

I clearly remember trying to soothe my colicky newborn as his crying rolled in to his second hour of crying and my toddler tugging on my dressing gown that I was still in on the afternoon wondering why the hell I never play with him anymore and me crying down the phone to my dh while my over inflated boobs were turning to stone and thinking, this is it, I have ruined everything for everyone, what the fuck have I done.

I can't believe that everyone hasn't hit that point somewhere along the line before and expressed regret. I hope any friends that I sought comfort from at the time don't have me pegged as some regretful mother, without compassion and grit. That would be hugely fucking cruel of them, and smug and inaccurate.