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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think regretting having children is almost the norm

553 replies

user1489943514 · 21/03/2017 20:15

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

OP posts:
ginorwine · 22/03/2017 15:26

Ps I'm sure have seen a thread on here op where quite a lot of folk have said they regret it ? Different threads can go different ways .
I saw that upthread someone said they feel sorry for kids whose parents felt regret - well I work very hard to ensure that my kids know that they are loved . I love them but if I cd turn the clock back and not get the strong broody thing then I would .

PinkFlamingo545 · 22/03/2017 15:26

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed - did she tell you this? how did you feel?

Elendon · 22/03/2017 15:36

My SIL (ex) was always very open about her regrets. She just wasn't the mother earth type as she put it. But she was a fabulous mum and raised two gorgeous boys. And they adore her. She always felt it was expected of her to have children so she did. She didn't expect to feel so overwhelmed.

LlandudnoLlandudno · 22/03/2017 15:49

I was 27 concerned and DH was 24. Not young in the grand scheme of things but it was too soon for us looking back. We weren't as settled as we would have liked to be financially and we hadn't done any luxury holidays etc. Was focused entirely on degrees and jobs so didn't really live our twenties.

Like I say I don't regret DS though, I just think timings could have been better.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 22/03/2017 15:52

She told me she was unable to have an abortion

Her actions have told me she is very selfish and self absorbed always has been always will be. I don't think it's as simple as regretting as I know in her way she loves me and feels guilty but she has been a crap mum I don't think that is necessarily the case at all if you feel regret

We have never been able to form a close bond i know at times she resents me but she can with her grandson and give him the unconditional love she has never been able to with me

Yes her actions and selfish attitude has hurt me very much

Gottagetmoving · 22/03/2017 15:55

Never regretted it, but then I didn't have unrealistic expectations and I knew it would be tough at times.

LlandudnoLlandudno · 22/03/2017 15:55

The main thing for me though concerned has been the lack of support. I had no idea what that would actually be like.

mowgeli · 22/03/2017 16:00

Wondering if the OP meant they reflect back and think if I knew I'm not sure I would have instead of regret having children?

MuseumOfCurry · 22/03/2017 16:02

I knew a woman once who had two children, and, when asked if she'd have another (her husband really wanted), she said 'no way - I'm not risking another New Year where I can't drink!'

She wasn't joking. She absolutely resented the physical effort she had to give to pregnancy, and looking after children. She wanted the good bits but hated the 'work', as people have called it.

Oh my god, what a cow.

Msqueen33 · 22/03/2017 16:04

I'm in a different situation as I have two children with Sen. It's very very hard. I adore them. Sometimes I do regret having children because it's a constant worry and even with average kids I don't think that ever leaves being responsible for another person. I couldn't imagine my life without them as they're people now but going back would I have kids? I don't know if I would. I do think this is an utter talked about topic and has a stigma attached to it. If I told someone I regretted having my children I'd be seen as an unfeeling monster. In part I regret it as I think they wouldn't have been born so wouldn't have the complex needs they have. Their lives are very hard.

oblada · 22/03/2017 16:06

It must be hard to regret having had your kids.
Yes it is hard work but I can't imagine regretting having mine and I do not know anyone who does. A lot of my friends still do not have kids (I'm in my early 30s and had kids 'young' as far as my 'peers' are concerned) so it could change. I hope not tho, we only have one life, it is sad to regret such a massive part of it.

oblada · 22/03/2017 16:07

I don't know where the 'your' came from - I meant it must be hard to regret having kids.

ginorwine · 22/03/2017 16:18

Oblada
Yes it's a huge chunk of life as even when they are grown you are still the parent .
It's a lonely place at times as you know that you can't say what you feel and have to hide it .
I remember - and feels v bad to say this - my friend saying she's taking her teens on holiday as much as possible as they won't want to go with her much longer - I felt so sad I just don't feel that way and look forward to being able to do things like that as an individual person again
Eg instead of having holiday s were we share what we do eg go to a theme park for the teens - which of course I do for them with a smile on my face whilst hating it !!!!
My dc are lovely young people and I'm v proud of them but rearing them whilst a pleasure has been at a cost of a lot of things to a introverted person such as myself .

Concernedmum4567 · 22/03/2017 16:22

LlandudnoLlandudno- ahh I see. I think no situation is ever going to be 100% perfect. I was 28 when I had my first and I have wondered if it's considered to young. But I did alot before that and went traveling etc so I did feel ready. And like you say you will still be young when dc have grown up. Plus I think traveling with dc is loads of fun, they fulfill my life so much and nothing else compares.

Morphene · 22/03/2017 16:26

Having a child destroyed my mental health and I am only just beginning to get it back 6 years later. I don't think it was essential that this be a part of having children, just a bonus delivered by poor ante and post natal care, along with a traumatic labour.

I don't know what I would feel about having kids if that hadn't happened. As it is I still regret it most days.

SpookyPotato · 22/03/2017 16:39

I don't know anyone who regrets it from my age group (thirties), I do however know a lot of women who don't ever want kids. I find actually (just from personal experience/hearing stories) that some people from my parents and grandparents generation didn't want kids but ended up with them and regretted it/were shit parents. The availability of contraception and abortions gives people the choice these days.
So yeah I don't know anyone who decided to have them and regret it, most find it hard but amazing at the same time.

brasty · 22/03/2017 16:55

Actually would be interesting to know the age range of those who would do things differently if they had their time again. I am in my early 50s, and lots of my friends got pregnant in a long term relationship, by accident. I know very few people who actually planned to have their kids when they did.

ginorwine · 22/03/2017 17:10

Brasty
We are in our early and mid 50 s .

clarkl2 · 22/03/2017 17:37

If I had the money to be a stay at home mum instead of working full-time and juggling child-care, housework and school holidays, I may have taken more joy from being a parent. Instead it just seems like a long tiring grind!

jennymac · 22/03/2017 17:37

I must be unusual because I loved the early years. Still loving being a mum and my dc are 9 and 10 years now. I think these years will probably be the best and the teen/young adult years will be the most stressful as you go through the worry of wondering where they are and if they are safe/not getting drunk etc. If I ever regretted it, it was more because of the unstable world we live in and the responsibility of bringing children into this world and the kind of future they will have. The hard work side of it hasn't put me off at all.

damewithaname · 22/03/2017 17:39

A good thing for parents to remember...stop comparing, stop over doing, stop spending, start accepting, start taking things slow and low key, start using the resources you already have. If you do this, parenting will seem much simpler and more enjoyable 😊

Jessikita · 22/03/2017 17:49

Haven't read the whole thread. I don't "regret" having children. But occasionally I do remember/fantasise about how much easier certain aspects of my life were, without having to arrange child care etc.

fizzingwhizbee · 22/03/2017 17:49

I was diagnosed with a progressive neurological disease that is incurable shortly after finding out I was pregnant with my DS.

My husband suffers from a long term cancer that doctors can manage but don't expect to cure.

For those reasons, there are days when, for my son's sake, I wonder if we should have had him.

But to tell myself I regret it? I just couldn't do that. It would ruin my life and, in my mind, take something away from DS's as well.

Lovelymess · 22/03/2017 17:49

I really don't think this is the norm. In face I don't know anyone who regrets having their children. Of course every parent has completely awful days but surely everyone still thinks their child is a total blessing?! Confused

whirlygirly · 22/03/2017 17:53

Oh fizzing Flowers that sounds terribly hard and I quite understand why you might feel that way.

I think being a parent comes with so much pressure if you let it. Mine are healthy and happy and despite their parents bring divorced, it's an amicable situation and they want for nothing. I have a demanding job but luckily seem to have a lot of energy and somehow it works.

That's not to say that I'm not looking forward to a time where I don't have to do everything at 100 miles an hour. I'm just trying not to sweat the small stuff at the moment. I'm also incredibly lucky to be blessed with dcs who like their sleep as much as me!