To think regretting having children is almost the norm

[user1489943514]

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

I don't know anyone that regrets it, including me, once the child is past 6 months. I regretted both of mine during the first 3 months as I find the newborn stage so hard.

I think there is a difference between truly regretting having your children and struggling with aspects of parenting, or feeling a loss of freedom, or wishing you could take that longer hours job, go on holiday alone etc. I imagine many people feel all those latter things, but to me the phrase 'regret having your children' seems a lot more serious. I've never regretted having my DS, in the sense that even at times when I've found it hardest I knew I'd not want to change the fact he was here. And there's enough joy in parenting him to balance the shit or even just the utter tedium. On the whole he gives me much more happiness than sadness. This is all just in response to the idea 'most' people regret having children, I am certainly not saying no one should regret it, just I think that it's overstating it to say most do. I think most people find parenting very tough at times and that's something no one should feel they can't share with friends.

moiradingle 11? Wow well done!
I have 4, 2 in my arms 2 in my heart, dd1 can be challenging at times she was a preemie and is being assessed for SN but I can hand on heart say I never regret either of my dds or the time I carried my DTs.
I have a number of chronic illnesses and with those and the circumstances with dd1 we may never have another but even on our worst days I am glad we are the family we are (that sounds horribly trite but with our loss and other family events it's true).

However I also know someone who had 2 close together in an abusive relationship very young and feels she never had a chance to live herself, which I can understand. In a way it wasn't her choice to fall pregnant as she was very easily dominated and controlled by this man and although she does love her children she also sees them as a reminder of a very dark time too and does regret the choices made at the time

I dont think it is the norm. I have only heard one person in rl say this, along the lines of she regretted having her children and if she had the choice, she would go back in time and not have them. If im to be honest, I lost a lot of respect for her as a mother and a person, because I cannot reconcile that desire with the unconditional love you have for your child.

wings - passively aggressively saying "but that's just me" at the end of nasty sentences doesn't make them any less nasty.
I'm not being nasty at all, or passive aggressive - I'm sorry (and frustrated) if it's coming across like that.

Quite simply: if I don't feel having kids is a burden and others do, it isn't their place to criticise me and not believe I don't, or for me to criticise them and say they're in the wrong. My sentence wasn't nasty - it was giving an example of what I would be saying were I criticising them, which I was actually saying we shouldn't be doing here.

Whatever.

taybert I wasn't trying to quote you out of context - I meant more those who have produced lists of irritating things about children, and that does make me feel sad for the children, a bit, because we've all been children and needed help. I would have felt sad if I'd known my parents resented giving that help (I'm not saying you say you resent it - but others have said that).

I find it difficult to believe that anyone finds every aspect of parenting easy and/or pleasurable.
I didn't say that - I said that it required humility, selflessness, etc, but that I didn't mind giving that.

Really, I'm going from this now - I feel like the only person saying that I don't resent anything at all about being a mother, and I'm grateful to be one. That isn't because I have some weird complex or am somehow resentful but not saying it, or have ever had any issue conceiving - it's just simply how I feel. I would be immensely sad and would feel very bad if I ever thought my kids felt I had resented anything I'd ever done for them.

And when I say 'but that's just me' I really do mean it - I can see I'm way in the minority here, which is absolutely fine - I'm happy with how I feel, and that's my business, and how others feel of course may be and is entirely different, and equally fine, for them.

I'm not judging at all - I'm just saying what works for me. Because I read the point of the question as about the frequency of parents regretting having their children, and the responses are a sample - of those mostly who have had some regrets about some aspect of being a parent. I haven't so I'm just saying, as much in the interests of getting a wider view of how opinions may range.

None of this is a competition!

Yes you were being critical. That's great you feel like that but you were implying it was weird for other women to not feel like that. It isn't.

I've seen you on other threads pulling similar stuff though and then being surprised when you get called on it so surprising it ain't.

Buglife
but to me the phrase 'regret having your children' seems a lot more serious.

• yes, I think that's what got me. That implies you'd rather they weren't here.

Totally agree that surely everyone someone is a bit tired and of course shouldn't feel bad about that, or about admitting it to friends or whoever. But that's entirely different to regretting having your children.

No, I have never regretted having kids for one micro second.

No-one has ever said to me that they regret having their children, not ever. Yet on message forums, lots people claim women with children say this all the time. And it's often the child-free who claim this.

I reckon you're far more likely to regret not having them than you are to regret having them.

As for the comments like 'you must have a sheltered life or must have no friends if you have never heard anyone say this' are just plain silly. Don't assume just because YOU feel a certain way, that others will. Or that if you have a certain belief, that others must have it, and if they don't, they're 'wrong.'

It really pisses me off when someone call you a liar when you say something they find hard to believe. Very narrow minded!

I feel very sorry for women who regret it, and can't help but wonder why.

IMO, it seems like some child-free people want mothers to regret it. I have no idea why.

I knew a woman once who had two children, and, when asked if she'd have another (her husband really wanted), she said 'no way - I'm not risking another New Year where I can't drink!'

She wasn't joking. She absolutely resented the physical effort she had to give to pregnancy, and looking after children. She wanted the good bits but hated the 'work', as people have called it.

Some people are like that and there is every person in between, right up to the opposite extreme (which appears to be me!!). What I've reacted to on this thread is that some people literally told me that I must not be telling the truth to say I think having kids is amazing and a gift, etc. That I'm criticising them for not feeling the same. That anyhow it's too impossible for me to feel like that.

Well, I do.

plasticbag
That's great you feel like that but you were implying it was weird for other women to not feel like that. It isn't.
Nope, I wasn't. But if you don't understand my posts, you really don't have to read them. In fact, please don't. ...

Actually I have not met many older women who regret not having children, unless they had not made the choice not to have children. Most seem pretty happy with that decision.

Wings i hear you and totally agree
I love being a mum and although it takes a lot of work (i have 2 sn kids out of my 5) i would not change my life for anything.
And when i say hard work i mean the physical effort involved in parenting 24/7) but i even enjoy that.

user14
*No-one has ever said to me that they regret having their children, not ever. Yet on message forums, lots people claim women with children say this all the time. And it's often the child-free who claim this.

I reckon you're far more likely to regret not having them than you are to regret having them.

As for the comments like 'you must have a sheltered life or must have no friends if you have never heard anyone say this' are just plain silly. Don't assume just because YOU feel a certain way, that others will. Or that if you have a certain belief, that others must have it, and if they don't, they're 'wrong.'

It really pisses me off when someone call you a liar when you say something they find hard to believe. Very narrow minded!*

Thanks ... really. Thanks. That's all I was trying to say too! xxx

I feel sorry for the poor little buggers who have parents like that.

Yes but you definitely aren't being judgmental!

Got 4 and am blessed every day I get to spend with them there is noone i would rather be with. So no I dont think most people regret it and if they do i feel sorry for the children

Wings I don't mind giving those things either. I don't resent my children for anything I do for them, my time is freely and willingly given but I don't always enjoy it or find it easy. Also my list clearly wasn't a "list of irritating things about children" if it's read in the context of my post. It's a list of things children do. I appreciate that you say you are not aiming at me but if you're talking about something someone else has said then you should quote them, not me.

The silly thing about this is that almost all of the people talking about the things they find difficult are saying they wholeheartedly DONT regret having children and that perhaps the OP's assumption that people who say these things do regret their children is perhaps misguided.

oh flapjack thank you, too - yep - I'm in the same camp as you! That's how I feel, too.

So it isn't impossible - there's at least three of us on here : D

I also never met anyone who has regretted having a child/children. I've met many who aren't sad that they weren't able to have more either through secondary infertility or circumstances, but never anyone who hasn't thought that having children enriched their lives on so many levels.

OP - I think your friends are very, very unusual.

You're welcome wings

I think it's lovely when people are uber passionate about their kids like you.

Sorry, taybert ... maybe I just read it wrong. Bad day here. Nothing to do with kids - they're actually my sanctuary. A world away from the sh*t I seem to have to deal with on another front.

Yes, a lot of this thread has turned into people saying they're pissed off because they have to get up in the night, but that they adore their kids and wouldn't be without them - so actually not regretting having them at all.

Ok so I wd say dh and I regret it
We never wanted to have children and then I got a biological urge and it took over
Up thread I read that someone said that they almost wished that if they have not felt broody and not had dc then they wd have been happy
And I think we wd have been the same if the biological clock had not gone off
To counter my guilt at not logically or historically wanting dc I think I have worked very hard to be the very best parent I can - not at all like the other example upthread of a woman who just wanted to oarty etc - have been v child centred . Didn't get a night out for 9 years . It was hard as we were married 14 years before we had dc and then got two v travel sick dc s and to get an hour from our city was unpleasant for us all .
My d s il says she didn't want dc - she is v introverted and the idea wd depress her - I too struggled with being with little dc all day much as I loved them I did not enjoy it .
I think people who love but regret having dc should be able to say so - it's such a taboo . I think a woman did an article recently about this and got flamed .
Why is it seen to be selfish to want for eg more freedom
Energy and choices such as holidays when surely having a child is also selfish really - we do it for ourself not for non selfish reasons don't we ????

Regret is a big word. But plenty of people on here have said if they had their time again, they would not have had kids. Unlike many choices in life, having kids is not one that you can change, and it changes your life so much.

Yes if you're going to throw around accusations like selfish well then surely having a child is also inherently selfish?

No never felt that way

Must be difficult feeling to have

My mum certainly has felt this