To think regretting having children is almost the norm

[user1489943514]

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

And it is my child free friends I admit this too. Wouldn't admit it to another parent so if you don't think anyone feels like this and you are a parent it may just be that you aren't the person they are confiding in.

So much of the stereotypical identity of being a woman is tied up in the view of woman=mother too so the pressure is intense. I've lost count of the times I was asked "so when are you having another?" by people who were in full knowledge of my single status as if i could just wave a magic wand and conjour up a sibling for my child. The social construct is that as a woman, you are supposed to have and want children, be maternal, be a natural born nurturer etc etc. If you're in a relationship/marriage but opt not to have kids, people think theres something odd. If you're single and haven't had kids by early to mid 30s you're to "get a move on". The persona of mother is delagated to you from such an early age that often it doesn't even cross your mind to think "what if I don't want this?". Nobody tells you that even if you do have a maternal instinct, that doesn't automatically mean you have to act on it if you don't want to.
We can all watch our friends and family members have children and change nappies and clean up sick. We all hear the anecdotes about sleepless nights. Nothing prepared me at all for the complete and utter relentlessness of it all. Nobody told me that I would go through what is almost a grieving process for my former life and former freedom. We are told from such an early age that children "complete you" and make your life "fulfilling". So while I wouldn't say I regret my DD because I don't, I don't think I ever had full understanding of how rich your life actually can be without children. I

LlandudnoLlandudno I think it counts. My mother made being a single parent look piss easy. I didn't even know how to parent any other way so when it became apparent during early pregnancy that that is what I was going to be, I wasn't concerned. Now that I'm actually doing it? Hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life and I wholeheartedly wish things had been different.

Sorry to hear that Lost

I am fortunate in that I have a very supportive DH but not other support at all as I don't have a good relationship with my parents and my siblings are significantly younger. I feel very alone a lot of the time and had no idea how hard it would be when there isn't even anyone at the end of the phone.

We also had DS too soon I think. Wish we had lived more first but on the plus we will still be young when he is an adult so can make up for it then. The money worries of not being established in careers is hard too.

I don't think very many people seriously regret having children. I really don't and I would be concerned if I felt that way.

Yes, it's hard work and the biggest challenge ever but for me the love I feel for my children and the laughs, joy and happiness we have is so much greater.

No way. I have had fleeting thoughts about what life would be like with no kids, but do I regret having them? Never ever!

Three of my closest friends have admitted to me that, while they love their children, if they could go back and do it again, they'd stop at two or would not have children with their partner.

It's not the children per se, but the circumstances surrounding their family life that has made them regretful. In all those cases, if my friends had more support from partners, extended family and the general culture surrounding child rearing, they'd probably feel a lot more positive.

*What a load of patronising drivel.

I had many fertility issues before ds. I know I'm lucky to have him. Really doesn't make any kind of difference. *

It's not patronising drivel - your limitation if you take it as that.

This site is supposed to be about people being able to say what they feel without being shot down or laughed at or whatever. My opinion is that we are lucky to have children. I don't honestly know what this 'hard work' is - have honestly never seen it like that - has never once even crossed my mind.

Love for me is giving whatever is needed and not counting it - if I'm cleaning something up I think I'm glad I'm here to do this for you.

Whatever - just a different viewpoint. But don't trash mine. I'm not saying other people are ungrateful and should never have had kids if they get annoyed by their 'pawing'. So don't try to undermine my opinion by calling it rubbish.

Rubbish in your world - and your opinion would be rubbish in mine. If I was posting that looking after my kids was something I resented, I would be seriously worried about myself. But that's me.

That is definitely our situation werk and is why we are sticking with one. I think regretting your children full stop is quite rare but having regrets around the situation you had them in is more common than lots of people let on.

Babies don't sleep, toddlers need constant attention, preschoolers whinge. All common knowledge.

My babies slept and if they didn't they came into bed and we got through it. It wasn't forever. I loved every word that came out of my toddlers' mouths. I was happy to hear every little worry from my preschoolers.

Ok cool - seems like I'm Earth Mother and didn't even realise it - sorry for all you guys who don't get that pleasure and fulfilment from your kids. Yes, it does involve humility and selflessness and not putting yourself first - but I'm fine with that. They're my kids. That's why I had them. And without going into detail I also have a very full career, but work around.

Forgot my golden rule though - never share any personal feelings or details on MN!!

Starting to feel so grateful for my own lovely parents as well!! Also never thought of us as a bind or trouble!!

wings for what it's worth I don't find it hard work either (though that might still be to come).

I do think that more women regret having children than it is politically correct to admit, I don't believe that it would be seen as a natural view of things if you were to stand in the middle of your town centre and shout.

I can see why people would regret it. Honestly having children is distruptive to more than the first few years and your figure, which was the belief when I had my DD, oh I'll be able to work more when she starts school! 5 years on, no not really.

The one thing that I have found harder is the impending sense of anxiety that I carry around with me, that is linked to parenthood. I can't quite place a finger on whether this is because there is so much that I need to be just so, or whether it's just parenthood.

The one thing that I am sure of though, is that I do not regret having her for one moment.
She is nine years of age, and growing into an articulate, bright,caring lady. It's a pleasure to spend my life bringing her up.

wings for what it's worth I don't find it hard work either (though that might still be to come).

Glad you don't - and I personally think it gets easier as they are older, certainly on the physical help front. I dunno. Surely that's what being a parent is all about? I'm not saying people can't speak up and say juggling everything feels hard sometimes - but that's different to the OP's question about actually regretting having the kids. That means: if you could go back, would you not have them?

And presumably if they wouldn't have had the first, then they shouldn't have had any more anyhow?

That's the bit I don't like about this thread. People have had kids because they had a strong instinct to do so, and they wanted to be like everyone else and be part of life, being a parent, etc. Some people even have kids like status symbols - that they can, that they're fertile, that they have a cute kid to dress up, etc.

But when it turns out that - as with a puppy, it's not just for Christmas, and it involves some of your effort and time - then they complain.

I feel sorry for the poor little buggers who have parents like that.

Anyhow, not my business ...

I do and I know plenty of other people who do (if you look online you can see quite a few others who feel this way, but they can be anonymous because it is such a taboo thing to admit).

Having children made my mental health 100x worse. My body is destroyed and I feel awful all the time. I love them but don't enjoy them. I think I could have handled one but I was pressurised into having a second when I was at a very low ebb and suffering from bad PND. I was told that it wouldn't be fair for my child to be an "only" and that I needed to give them a sibling.

I have years of sleepless nights, years of screaming fits, we have no money, live in a tiny apartment and I don't work because of my depression and because we can't afford to pay for childcare.

If I could go back in time I would. I was a much happier person before children. Motherhood isn't right for everyone and you can never imagine how it will be until you are in it.

My honest opinion: The relentlessness and the weight of responsibility of parenting almost equals the joy and fulfilment of parenting. For me its not fully equal, so the happiness and joy and liveliness and connection my children bring into my life makes it worth it.

I also think the struggles of parenting: the relentlessness, the lack of money, time and headspace for yourself have a silver lining. Parenting is a learning curve and we grow as people by facing this learning experience (we are all on a different path and non-parents learn from other experiences...this is not meant as a compare and contrast).

I don't regret having my children, but I am human and I sometimes resent wiping a 7 year olds bum, constantly tidying up after kids, constantly trying to encourage them to eat a more varied diet. I resent the over-arching of schools into parenting choices. I feel the weight of responsibility...I'm not a perfect parent. I hope I am raising them ok, I hope they will not remember that I sometimes drink a bottle of wine of an evening while I am their sole carer.

The difficult part of parenting is you are always answerable to someone else, be it your children, or to your community regarding your parenting choices.

It is worth if for me. I love having my little tribe. I derive great joy from listening to my children laugh and play and they make me laugh. I think I might be a bored sour puss without them but I would like a nice house and just to cook for myself. I would like some of the self sufficient aspects of a childless life...(It's all ahead of me(again)...in another 12 ish years).

Motherhood isn't right for everyone and you can never imagine how it will be until you are in it.

Yes, of course, and I'm really sorry you've been so pressured and trapped. It sounds awful.

But the OP said was it actually that MOST people felt they regretted having kids. I'm not sure that it is.

The older my children get the more I love them. I am besotted with them. (ages 3 & 8)

BUT

I do know that I would have been put off if i'd really been aware of how relentless it can feel, and am so grateful that I ad no idea! and for my first year of being a parent, I was all about regret. but this is what sleep deprivation does to you, do not underestmate the damage that does to your self esteem and your mental health

I think we resent being so duty bound and not relishing the pre-children carefree life we once had.

wings - passively aggressively saying "but that's just me" at the end of nasty sentences doesn't make them any less nasty.

It's ok not to enjoy loving every second of being a mum. As I said upthread, my own mum freely admits this. And we all adore her, she's great.

I absolutely don't regret having children , I can honestly wholeheartedly say that

Are there days I miss my before dc life ? Damn right....several a week for a moment or two, I do need time away on occasion and I absolutely feel it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and until your a parent you don't have a scoobies idea of exactly how tough it is

It irritates me no end when people without dc claim they know what it's like....no...no they don't, it's not the bloody same as a dog or a cat or a parakeet ...you don't generally have to be concerned if a dog is hitting it's milestones and will that affect him on ten years time at school , or how to encourage a parakeet to have its identity and be individual and resist bullying

Sorry off the subject there

My point is its hard as he'll and there are absolutely days I dream and running away....but never not once would I change having them , I do not now nor will ever regret having either boy

My career suffered and will never recover, my marriage broke down and I've lost half ofull who I used to be.....I spend most days exhausted and panicking that I'm screwing them up and beating myself up

But that's my issue not theirs

And just a single giggle , a quick laugh , a step forward and every single sleepless moment is worth it, they are the best hardest most infuriating terrifying thing I've ever done

Regret? Absolutely not, hard? Unbelievably so......those are not the same thing

I could never regret it but I did have very low expectations, so that helped I think. I thought I was going to hate motherhood but have enjoyed it so much more than I thought I would.

To regret having kids must be really hard and this was one of my greatest fears when pg.

Wings you've quoted me out of context there. I never said they were a bind, I was explaining the way that those things sometimes make me feel - usually that they are happening because I might be failing in some way and that worries me. I'm not sure that my children should be pitied for that.

It takes all sorts. I find it difficult to believe that anyone finds every aspect of parenting easy and/or pleasurable. We all have different skills and preferences in all areas of life. There are bits of this I am really good at. There are bits that need work.

I love my girls and by no means regret them at all. However, I do sometimes think what my life would have been like had I not fallen pregnant at 18 with my eldest.
Id not change my girls for the world and dont regret them at all and I am loving being their parent :)

LlandudnoLlandudno- how old are you? If you don't mind me asking.
I'm just curious as to what age is considered too you.