To think regretting having children is almost the norm

[user1489943514]

I've been shocked at how many of my friends (from all different social circumstances) have said if they'd known what was involved in bringing up a child they would never have had one.

Out of my four closest friends all of them, although they love their children and would never give them up, would never have had them had they known the reality of having children.

I have always wanted a child but I'm similar. While I wouldn't want to be childless and look forward to the day my son is an adult, I certainly won't miss these younger years as he gets older. I will look back and wonder how I ever coped!

I think regretting having a child is very very common, and my experience is that while it's not the norm, I don't think it's far from it.

It's just considered very taboo and anyone who discusses their thoughts seems to be labelled as having postnatal depression when in fact they don't.

Aibu to think regretting having children is far more prevalent than is politically correct to say?

Everyone saying you don't know anyone who feels like this- how on earth do you know?

It's definitely not true for me - my children are by far the best thing in my life.

I absolutely agree. I wouldn't swap my life and love my children but I do have regrets. It's so much tougher than expected especially when they get older

I know one person who regrets it.

I know some people who have said that if they had their time again they wouldn't have children but they don't really regret having them as such.

I have five children and don't regret having them at all (I wouldn't have had 5 if I did, although two were conceived on birth control) but of course it's a lot of work. The hardest thing for me now is not being able to take away their pain now three are teens. My son has had relationship problems with a girl which has now finally came to an end and while he is sobbing away I hate that I can't make it better.

As they get older you can't protect them from pain so much and I find that part incredibly hard to deal with. The teens have been through an awful lot, grief, one with bullying etc and I can't stand it. It really is like having your heart walking around outside your body.

I love having teens in some ways, they are all lovely but oh the worry!

Parents may be reticent about telling other parents that they have regrets, but as someone without kids, I've been confided in - and then sworn to secrecy - by a number of the most unexpected people.

Interesting thread.

I think parenthood seems to last so long these days. In the 70s/80s it was easy to leave home for uni at 18 or as in my case nursing college with accommodation etc.

We brought our first house at 24 with a £300 deposit and 100% mortgage.

Child care was the next door neighbour or local cm for cash or nearby extended family.

Kids were more independent and got 2 buses to school from a much earlier age and got themselves home. Now parents have to be at the gates or it's neglect.

My older kids went to uni and moved back in. Oldest has a job and house, rented, and other 26 year old still at home.

Teen dds looking to live at home through uni as we can't afford to support them.

They may be adults at 18 but most of them can't afford to strike out and fly the nest.

So it goes on and bloody on.

Sometimes I regret it, it's incredibly tough. I'd never give them up but I'm not cut out for small kids. I'm looking forward to them being older so we can enjoy more things together, late primary onwards I suspect. I agree with pp that parenting is more work these days, we are so much more involved than our own parents, although Dads being more hands on is a good thing. I really miss the freedom of childlessness and the time with DH. Our first wasn't planned but I suspect I'd have gone for it even if warned, the reality of parenthood is unknowable until you do it - the relentlessness, all the decisions and the guilt/judgement.

As they get older you can't protect them from pain so much and I find that part incredibly hard to deal with

I could have wrote that

gamerchick Wed 22-Mar-17 10:20:05
"Yep they always always get a kicking if they admit it. People make it about the kids... it isn't about the kids, they aren't loved or treated any less. Few mothers actively punish their kids for being born.

There's nothing wrong with wishing you had made different choices no matter what the choice."

Would agree with this, were it not that the Stately Homes thread is full of children who knew what their parents were wishing. Not actively punishing them, but not hiding their feelings either. And that must be pretty destructive for a child, to grow up knowing that the person you are totally dependent on wishes you had never been born.

I think it's a good idea to admit these things on an anonymous forum or to a friend sworn to secrecy.

But if as a parent one lets slip to the child -either in words or in general attitude- then it's naïve to believe they won't be damaged.

I was told I had fertility problems, when I started treatment, my only goal was to try and conceive. I had losses which made it all the harder. People around me were saying what a blessed life I'd have, being infertile, how I could live a life of luxury, I became obsessed TTC.

It was when my eldest was a few days old I cried through pain and exhaustion, thinking they were right, maybe I'm not meant to have conceived naturally as this motherhood lark didn't come to me naturally. I was distraught. But it was about 3am in the morning, even though BF wasn't the norm there was little support in & out of hospital, I was determined not to use bottles. So that added to my pressures, that for the first few weeks I was woke up whenever to feed.

I remember feeling ill and worrying about whether I should breastfeed. The midwife on the world chuckled, well you refused bottles and breast is best. Was so annoyed.

The pregnancy and birth was traumatic, so instead of celebrating new life, we were pretty much in mourning as DC was born in a state, not breathing, it turned out my suspicions were right and I there was issues, I wasn't an anxious first timer. My pregnancy and birth affected me, well all of us. I kind of got recognition but didn't, I really needed to hear that I was right and they treated me in an awful way, but never complained.

Fast forwarding I have 2 DC I wouldn't swap for the world, we all have times of doubt, but they are rewarded with the most amazing things.

I have never for one moment regretted having children. They are a blessing and have enriched my life in ways I could never have imagined. I don't look forward to them being grown up as I love the life I have with them now. I don't know anyone who regrets having their children. I am very saddened to hear your feelings and those of your friends.

I believe people feel like this, of course, but I'm really surprised.

I think it's a luxury to regret them - as it means you have them. If you didn't have them, you'd regret that too probably. People who can't have children or who struggle to would love just the chance to have their go at being loving parents.

(And before anyone starts - that's not me - am lucky in that it's always been v easy for me to get pregnant and I've had no problems. I just feel for those who can't, that's all.)

I very rarely preach, but here goes:

If you regret having your kids, you should, I think, reflect on the gift it is, and how magical to be able to do this, and what a privilege.

If you thought like that, the 'hard work' wouldn't seem like work at all.

But if as a parent one lets slip to the child -either in words or in general attitude- then it's naïve to believe they won't be damaged

I know that

I'm very grateful that my parents had me and love me - I'm grateful someone gave me my life. And am so happy I can do the same for my own children.

You can't just take. You have to give as well.

I've never regretted it, only the impact on my body and causing thyroid problem

But if I was poor or a single parent I would truly truly struggle. Money solves so much! Even me working FT in well paid job is not enough to support 3 kids as a single parent

With money can relieve stress / induce fun by

• foreign hols with kids clubs, we all love this
• meals out
• days out eg theme park. So much joy.
• camping kids and DH love it so I can chill while they mess about

One child has ADHD traits but so much more online now I can help her alone.

My sister j think is autistic and my parents emotional bullies. So I am grateful there is greater awareness of AutiSm / adhd in girls since 1990s & it is healing having kids and providing a great life for us all, having had a shite childhood.

No I don't think most parents think like this. Difference between regretting having children and pining for your lost youth...

I'm afraid that in full knowledge of what a gift they are, the hard work is still very fucking hard work indeed. And that's from someone who doesn't regret them, so I can't imagine that approach would be especially useful for someone who did.

Even during the early days, the hardest times, in the deepest, darkest depths of PND, I have never once regretted having my children.

I have had a hideous couple of years since DS was born - related to PND, relationships put under strain, money worries, etc. - the usual, really. I do see where you're coming from, OP, in that I occasionally think back to pre-child days and laugh/cry (depending on the day!) about how easy we had it and how free we were, and I might fleetingly think I'd like to go back at have a week like I had pre-babies but I would not say I regret having a child. It's bloody hard work, but I want another one!

If you regret having your kids, you should, I think, reflect on the gift it is, and how magical to be able to do this, and what a privilege.

What a load of patronising drivel.

I had many fertility issues before ds. I know I'm lucky to have him. Really doesn't make any kind of difference.

Here is a little guide for me.

Magical parts of parenting:

• my son sleeping
• my son smiling/laughing
• Quiet cuddles on the sofa
• my son being pleased to see me.

Non magical parts of parenting

• cleaning up vomit
• cleaning up poo
• cleaning up wee
• cleaning up congealed and rejected food
• being bitten
• being hit
• being screamed at
• not having any sleep
• not having any time to yourself, physically or emotionally
• the overwhelming responsibility

-The overwhelming anxiety

• being constantly pawed at

Regret isn't the word that I would personally use for myself but I fully understand the sentiment. I think the problem is that it is so incredibly taboo to say that you're not enjoying it/its hard word/you don't think you can cope/it's not what you thought it was/You don't enjoy spending time with them etc etc etc that the most common thing people equate it to is regret. Nobody prepares you for the fact that you may feel all of the things I just listed plus more. I think conversations like this need to happen more and more and women need to feel like they can express those feelings openly and honestly without being shamed for it.

Oh I missed one! Looking after a sick child while also sick yourself because you catch everything off them = not magical.

Not regret. I have a couple of friends that i am very close with and we have very open conversations. I have said in the past that if i had known the birth i was going to have and pnd i would go on to suffer than i think I'd have never had one. I would have been too scared. Is that regret? I don't think so. Now I've rode that storm and have a healthy older child i realise I couldn't be without her. Parenting isn't one straight forward thing. I have had different feelings at different stages. Some stages have definitely been more enjoyable than others. I think it's good to have friends that you can have open conversations with where no one frowns upon others. I have never met anyone truely regretful just maybe having a really shit day.

I don't regret DS, he is the best thing I have ever done. I regret having him in the situation I did. Does that count?